How do you tell the difference between a liberal and a conservative?
Easy. Watch a man drowning fifty feet offshore.
The conservative will throw out 25 feet of rope and shout "swim for it!" The liberal will toss out 50 feet of rope, drop his own end, and go off to do another good deed.

A politician leads an active life.
When he isn't straddling an issue, he is dodging one.

It's only fair that the government is now protecting senior citizens against catastrophic illness.
Sometimes just realizing you're a senior citizen is catastrophic enough.

Bill Clinton went jogging one morning and came upon the Washington monument. He said "George, what should I do?"
After a few seconds George replied "Abolish the IRS and start over." Bill thought about this for a few seconds and continued jogging.
Shortly he came upon the Jefferson Memorial and stopped. He said "Tom, what should I do?"
After a few seconds Tom replied "Abolish welfare and start over."
Bill continued jogging after thinking about this and came upon the Lincoln Memorial. He said "Abe, what should I do?"
After a few seconds Abe replied "Why don't you take the night off and go to the theater?"

Quayle, Packwood,and Kennedy were in a spelling bee.
It seems that Quayle won; Packwood,and Kennedy thought "harass" was two words.

What do you have if you've got Bill Clinton, Al Gore and Dolly Parton all in the same room?
Two Boobs and a country singer.

While flying over the USA, Bill Clinton tells Hillary that he is going to throw a five dollar bill out the window to make someone happy.
Hillary decides to throw out a twenty to make two people happy.
The pilot looks back and says "Why not throw yourselves out and make everyone happy"

How are politicians and dirty dippers alike?
They both need changing for the same reason.

A man parks his car in front of the main entrance of the Congress. Immediately, a member of the security team goes after him yelling:
- Sir! Sir! You cannot park in here! All the congressmen are about to go out!
The man replies:
-Don't worry. I have a good alarm in my car.

A conservative is one who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to run.

He who is filled with hot air rises to great heights.

President & Hillary Clinton were attending a World Series game. One of the secret service agents whispered into the president's ear. Bill said, "Sure, I'd love to."
He then tosses Hillary onto the diamond.
The agent stood up and yelled, "I said the first pitch!"

Two politicians were carrying on a conversation in a restaurant when all of a sudden, one yelled at the other, "You're lying!".
The other politician responded, "I know, but hear me out."

On the first night Hillary's college roommate turned to Hillary, puts her hand on her shoulder, and says, "There's something I want to tell you about myself...I'll be frank..." "No" says Hillary, "I'll be Frank, you be Suzie."

Political speeches are like a steer:
A point here, a point there, and a lot of bull in between.

Law of Parliamentary Procedure:
He who shouts loudest has the floor.