Once , there's a couple who had a son whom they named Sam . One night , this couple was arguing and in a fit of anger , the husband shouted at his wife , "you bitch !" and his wife humilated shouted back at him , "you bastard !" . At this moment , Sam felt curious and asked , "heh daddy , what's a bitch and a bastard ? " . In order to hide his guilt , daddy replied , " Oh well , bitches and bastards mean ladies and gentlemen ....... " . The day after , Sam was watching a documentary on premarital sex whereby breasts and penises are mentioned . Sam's curiosity overcame him and he questioned his mum , " Heh mummy , what's breasts and penises ? " Well , in order to satisfy Sam's curiosity and not to have him bothering her again , she replied hastily , " Oh , they mean coats and hats , dear " . Night soon came and Sam's daddy was shaving in the toilet when he accidentally cut himself , " Oh shit ! " . Sam heard his shouts and rushed up to the toilet and asked , " Daddy , did you say SHIT , what's that ? " In order not to have Sam bothering him , daddy replied , " SHIT means shaving cream , now get lost . " The next morning , mum was trying to stuff a turkey into the oven but as hard as she tried , that big fat turkey just couldn't be stuffed in and she screamed , " Oh fuck ! " in exasperation . This time , Sam got that word in his ear again and rushed in to ask mum , " Heh mummy , tell me what's fuck ? " Well again to satisfy his curiosity , mummy replied , " fuck means stuff ." Hah well , Christmas soon arrived and guests were invited to Sam's home . " Ding Dong ...... " the door bell rang . Sam rushed to the door to welcome his guests . However , the guests got the greatest shock of their life when Sam shouted , " Welcome bitches and bastards , could all of you kindly remove your breasts and penises and place them at the corner of the door , my dad and mum will soon come and meet all of you as my dad is applying shit on his face in the toilet and my mum is fucking the turkey into the oven .......... " # By Michelle Pong Yoke Cheng
One sunny afternoon , mum was taking a shower when Billy suddenly dashed into the toilet . Mum was caught unaware and Billy saw something that amazed him , " Wow mummy , what's that black patch between your legs ? In order to hide her embarassment and to get Billy out of her sight fast , she replied , " It's ... it's a ... well , a sponge ! " Billy felt satisfied with the answer and went out . Later that evening , Sam rushed into the kitchen and asked mum , " Well , mummy , can I have a look at your black sponge again ? " Mum felt disgusted and said , " Oh my dear , I've thrown it away ..... " Upon , hearing that , Billy ran back to the garden . Few minutes later , Billy ran to his mum and shouted excitedly , " Mum , I've found your black sponge ! " Well , feeling amused , mum replied , " Oh really , where's it ? " Billy then replied , " It's with the aunty next door and daddy is cleaning his tongue with it ! # By Michelle Pong Yoke Cheng
Outside a manila hotel , a japanese tourist gets in a cab and asks the driver to drive him to the airport . On their way , a car zooms past them and the japanese goes : " Aaah Toyota , made in Japan ..... very fast ! " Then another car zips by and the japanese says : " Aaah Nissan , made in Japan , very fast ! " And another . " Aaah Mitsubishi , made in Japan , very fast ! " The taxi driver is getting tired of this . When they reach the airport , he tells his passenger : " Four hundred pesos , please . " The japanese goes : " Four hundred pesos , the airport's not that far from the hotel ! " The taxi driver replied : " Aaah , taxi meter made in Japan , very fast ! " # By Newpaper
Three friends were stuck on an island after their cruise ship had been wrecked in a storm . Months passed . Then one of them found a bottle lying around and the three of them pulled out the cock . POOF !! A genie appeared and said : " Since you have freed me from my prison , I will grant each of you a wish . " The first man said : " I wish I could go home and earn a lot of money . " POOF !! His wish was granted . The second one said : " Me too ! " And POOF !!He got his wish too . Said their third buddy : " I will feel bored here without my friends . Could I have them back ? POOF !! # By Newpaper
A man from the census burnea was doing a door-to-door survey . A little boy answered the door and said his family wasn't in . " Nevertheless , can I have your father's name ? " asked the census man . " My father's name is Laughing , " answered the boy . The census man was surprised , but pressed on , " And your mother's name ? " " Her name is Smiling , " the boy replied . " Wait a minute little boy ! Are you kidding ? " asked the census man . " No , that's my sister , " the boy answered . " I am Joking ." # By Newpaper
It's your first time . Your muscles tighten as you lie back . You put him off for a while searching for an excuse , but he refuses to be swayed off , as he aproaches you . He asks if you're afraid but you shake your head bravely . He has had more experience but it's the first time his fingers have found the right place . He probes further and you shiver , your body tenses ; but he's gentle like he promised to be . He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him --- he's done this many times . His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more space for ease entrance . You begin to plead and beg him to be faster , but he slowly takes his time , wanting to cause you as little pain as possible . As he presses closer and goes in deeper , you feel the tissue give way and blood surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues . He looks at you concerned and asked if it's too painful . Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on . He begins moving in and out with skill , but you're now too nimb to feel him within you . After a few frenzied moments , you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you , you lay panting , glad that it's over . He looks at you and smiles warmly , tells you with a chuckle ; that you've been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience . You smile and thank your dentist . After all , it's your first time to have a tooth pulled . Opps .... what are you thinking of ? .... # By Pang Jia'en
A teacher was wrapping up class , and started talking about tomorrow's final exam . She said that there'll be no excuses for not turning up tomorrow , barring a dire medical condition or a immediate family member's death . One smart ass , male student said , "What about extreme seual exhaustion ? " , and the whole class burst into laughter . After the laughter had subsided , the teacher glared at the student , and said , " That's not an excuse , you can still use your other hand to write . " # By Pang Jia'en
A young girl who was a heavy smoker invested in a lighter to economise in matches . After a short while , it began to give trouble . So she spoke to one man who had one , after seen him lighting his cigarette and putting it back in his trousers . * girl's speech * * guy's speech * Now be a dear and tell me about that thing you have inside your trousers . ( Misunderstanding her and feeling embarassed ) , I'm not used to discussing such things with a lady . Now , there's no need to be shy , just tell me how does yours work ? Does it jerk up and down ? Oh , sometimes ... Oh , then it's different from mine , mine just opens and shuts ... Do you rub yours up and down untill something comes ? Oh yes , especially in cold weather . Have you ever try pulling your wick and dipping it ? NO , most certainly not ! Oh , you should . It does it good . You never soaked it before then ? Of course I haven't ... You should try it then sometimes , it takes the stiffness out of it . Er , well ... I'm afraid that you're a naughty girl . ( Thinking he referred to smoking ) Oh every girl does it nowadays anyway . What about your wick , is it a long one ? Yes , it's rather on the long side . I think I will have to try a thicker one because the one I'm using doesn't seem to go far enough to do any good . Does yours go red when it's dry ? Yes ! So does mine , in the past , mine has giving me much trouble . Would you like to have a look at it ? No no , not now . We had better wait untill it's dark . Don't be ridiculous , you can see much better in the daylight . It has been leaking these past few days , so I have put a rag around it . I'll unwind it now ( opening her handbag and producing her lighter ) . It has run out again , damn ... now I'll have to go back to matches . The young man collapsed . # By Michelle Pong Yoke Cheng
A guy got on a bus one day and sit in the aisle seat besides an old lady . A few minutes later , he couldn't control himself and has to let out a big noisy fart . Embarrassed , he tried to make conversation with the old lady and asked her , " By the way , do you any chance have today's newspaper ? " The lady looked at him and said , " No , but the next time we pass by a tree , I'll grab you a handful of leaves . " # By Michelle Pong Yoke Cheng
Many people are still using the wrong way of using toilet papers . ( pulling out a few segments of the toilet paper .... fold it a few times .... before rubbing it hard on their ass .... ) What they are doing are just basically wasting toilet paper !!! This is how it should be done !!! The minimal use of toilet paper , but achieving the optimal results !!! BY JUST USING ONE SMALL SEGMENT OF THE TOILET PAPER . STEP 1 fold the toilet paper into half .. then into half , you can also fold it diagonally if you want to . STEP 2 then at the tip of the toilet paper , tear out a very small potion ( so that when you unfold the paper , you'll get a hole in the center ! ) Remember , don't throw away that small potion , it's the most important !!! STEP 3 stick your middle finger into the hole of the toilet paper and bring it to your asshole !!! Start cleaning your asshole with your middle finger !!! ( remember to clean the inside of your asshole which most people forget to !!! ) STEP 4 After you're satisfied that your asshole is cleaned , take it out . This is the tricky part !!! Carefully wrap the toilet paper around your finger and grasp it tight and pull out your middle finger . This will cause all the shit around your finger to stay on the toilet paper . STEP 5 Remember the small potion of your toilet paper ? This is when it will come in useful . Clean the remaining shit that is left under your finger nail with the small potion of the toilet paper . This will ensure that your whole middle finger is 100% clean !!! ( if you've thrown away the small potion of paper , too bad !!! ) STEP 6 Dispose your used toilet paper properly , do not litter the toilet !!! IF YOU KNOW ANYONE WHO STILL PRACTISE THE WRONG WAY OF USING TOILET PAPER , DO HELP HIM ! iNTRODUCE HIM HERE . YOU SHALL BE HELPING HIM AND AT THE SAME TIME , SAVING THE PLANET .... OH YEH , YOU TOO SHALL BE MAKING THE DONOR OF THIS JOKE LIM TIAN JIANG FAMOUS SOON . SO , DO HELP ...
Jim and his best friend Bob are talking late at night at one of the local bars . Jim turned to his friend , and asked " How do you manage to stay out late every night without making your wife mad ? " " Well Jim , there's a trick to it . When I get home , I slip quietly into the house , sneak quietly up the stairs and into the bedroom . Then I get quietly into the bed , took off my wife's panties , and give her oral sex till she got an explosive orgasm and passes out . " " Oh woh Bob , it sounds easy enough . I'm going to try that tonight . " That night , Jim did just as Bob said . He crept quietly into the house , up the staircase , and quietly into the bed . He carefully pulled his wife's panties off and gave her the best oral sex she ever had ! She had an explosive orgasm and fell into a deep sleep . " Woh it really worked ! " He thought to himself . He then decide he should go to the toilet and clean his hands off . When he opened the door , there stood his wife . " What the heck are you doing in here ? Why aren't you sleeping ? " He asked her . " Well honey , my mum came for a surprise visit , so I let her have our room , we have to sleep in the spare room ...... " # By Michelle Pong Yoke Cheng
Three men : a philosopher , a mathematician and an idiot , were out riding in a car when it crashed into a tree . Before anyone knows it , the three men found themselves standing outside the pearly gates of heaven , where St Peter and the devil were standing nearby . " Gentlemen . " the devil started , " Due to the fact that heaven is now overcrowded , St Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering the heaven . If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer , then you're worthy enough to go to heaven ; if not , you'll come with me to hell . " The philosopher then stepped up , " Ok , give me the most comphrehensive report on Socrates' teachings . " With a snap of his finger , a stack of paper appeared next to the devil . The philosopher read it and concluded that it was correct . " Then go to hell ! " With another snap of his fingers , the philosopher disappeared . The mathematician then asked , " Give me the most complicated formula you can ever think of ! " With a snap of his fingers , another stack of paper appeared next to the devil . The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct . " Then go to hell ! " With another snap of his fingers , the mathematician disappeared , too . The idiot then stepped forward and said , " Bring me a chair ! " The devil brought forward a chair . " Drill 7 holes on the chair ! " The devil did just that . The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart . Standing up , he asked , " Which hole did my fart come out from ? " The devil inspected the chair and said , " The third hole from the right . " " Wrong , " said the idiot , " it's from my asshole . " And the idiot went to heaven . # By Michelle Pong Yoke Cheng
Ah Beng speaks : Under the " and mohs " we all live happily together , no complains . Malaysia and Singapore is one big family in our brains . One day , we both like two durians , cannot get along , got sharp thorns , poke each other , untill " buay song " . One moment like brothers , can give can take , next moment we kenna kicked out by the leg . Wah ! our towkay cry like mad , we all also feel very very sad . Our neighbours all say , " Wah they all sure to die ! They got nothing , where to get next bowl of rice ? " So " boh pian " we all work day and night . We also join the army so that we can fight . We don't care others " see us no up " but actually inside we very pain in the heart . Then slowly hor , we grow rich and a bit fat now others talk about us also got some respect . They scratch their heads and say , " Very funny ! Got nothing how come they can still make money ? " Last time also got no money to buy ice-cream cone . Nowadays even small kids can afford handphones . Sea port , airport also can become Number One . Hee Hee ! Sometimes think about it also very fun . But some people look at us also not happy , actually they jealous don't want to say only . So everytime their country got something wrong they all say Singapore's behind it all long . Everybody know we water not enough , They turn off tap only we all cannot last . They threaten us with water supply and shout " Cut ! Cut ! Cut ! " Aiyoh they all think the water is one big ketupat . We all hear already so " buay tahan " Wah lao , they think we small can makan ! But now they " cow pay cow bu " we all not very scared we want to build water distillation plant already not so bad . But their own economy now all go bust got to sell water otherwise money not enough . Then another neighbour say Singapore no friend friend , got so much money , a bit more also dunno how to lend . They all say we all only one small red dot , like the centre of one big dart board . Maybe they think they cat we mouse , that's why they suka suka anyhow talk like that . But we all still send them a lot of rice . Show the world we actually very very nice . Sometimes we " cho ho sim " also kenna whack but we all gentlemen wan , don't wan to fight back . I think hor , they all don't understand us very well . That's why relationships sometimes like heaven , sometimes like hell . Some say our prosperity is all due to luck , that's why we all " siao siao " can still win the Tiger Cup . I think hor , Singapore like chilli paddi in a pot , size small small but still very hot . # By Lim Tian Jiang