Jon's Rules to Live by


Here they are. Print them out, and paste them all over your walls. Over the next few months, I'll be randomly visiting houses. If my rules are up on a wall somewhere, that person will get a big surprise!


001: Revealing your secrets allows others to use them against you.
002: Love can degrade, but greed is eternal.
003: It never hurts to suck up to the boss.
004: Never trust anyone whose suit is nicer than your own.
005: The bigger the smile, the sharper the knife.
006: Free advice is seldom cheap.
007: Sleep can interfere with life.
008: You can't free a fish from water.
009: No good deed is left unpunished.
010: If it doesn't benefit me, it's just a waste of time.
011: The smarter the man, the more mistrusting the mind.
012: Love is hate covered with a thin candy shell
013: Evil can be deceiving.
014: Mean people suck.
015: Mean people rule.
016: Having is not so pleasing a thing as wanting.
017: We are all prisoners in time.
018: Fate protects fools and little children.
019: Four thousand throats may be cut in one night, by a running man.
020: No one ever said the human race was logical.
021: Only a fool fights in a burning house.
022: Death is the ultimate release from the anxiety and struggle of Life.
023: Poachers make the best gamekeepers.
024: No sensible parasite kills its host.
025: Parody is the greatest form of praise.
026: Knowledge is power.
027: Power is useless without control.
028: The noblest of all dogs is the hot dog; it feeds the hand that bites it.
029: Nothing is to be taken too seriously.
030: Whenever you feel like exercise, lie down until the feeling passes.
031: What's done is done.
032: What you don't know will hurt you.
033: With a little effort, you can trace a blame to anyone.
034: Everything's tidy when someone else is doing the cleaning.
035: Enemies make dangerous friends.
036: What you can control can't hurt you.
037: Dead men tell no tales, but they inspire them.
038: Speculate, but don't arrogate.
039: Emulate, but don't imitate.
040: Turnabout is cheating.
041: Patience is for the young.
042: It takes a great man to admit he's wrong.
043: Employees are the rungs on the ladder of success; don't hesitate to step on them.
044: A life is not important except in the impact it has on other lives.
045: Think carefully before you put another monkey in the cage.
046: Sometimes, the only thing more dangerous than a question is an answer.
047: Laws change, but justice is justice.
048: Light would be worthless without darkness to shine upon.
049: Lack of information results in poor judgment.
050: A yellow light is a warning to speed up, not a signal to slow down.
051: Whatever can go wrong will go wrong.
052: Too many cooks spoil the soup.
053: Live long and prosper at the expense of others.
054: Life is never fair.
055: When a man digs a hole, he risks falling into it.
056: There's no such thing as bad publicity.
057: There are exceptions to every rule.
058: Police aren't there to create disorder; they are there to preserve disorder.
059: When someone says, "It's nothing personal," it usually is.
060: It's always good to know the background of your adversary.
061: Beggars can't be choosers.
062: Skill, cunning, and powers of observation are the most powerful weapons.
063: You can't tarnish a rusty blade.
064: Seize the day after today.
065: The least you can do is nothing.
066: If you treat men like animals, they'll act like animals.
067: You win some, you lose some.
068: Don't allow anger to cloud your concentration.
069: Don't knock it 'til you've tried it.
070: No news is good news.
071: Traditions are meant to be broken.
072: Paranoia ensures victory.
073: No matter what place you reserve, you'll always end up at the back of the line.
074: To understand is to accept confusion.
075: There's a first time for everything.
076: Friendship leads to competition.
077: The best revenge is living well and being able to rub it into everyone's face.
078: Everyone loves a mystery.
079: All good things must come to an end.
080: Take all you need, but use all you take.
081: Everyone makes mistakes, but only intelligent people try to correct them.
082: Never do today what you can put off until tomorrow.
083: One man's villain is another man's hero.
084: Where the tides of fortune take us, no man can know.
085: Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
086: He who laughs last thinks slowest.
087: There's nothing more dangerous than an honest listener.
088: Nothing is free.
089: Sometimes, if you can't have victory, you just have to settle for revenge.
090: Respect is highly overrated.
091: Courage comes in all sizes.
092: Truth is stranger than fiction.
093: Never reach for something you can't see.
094: Set your goals low, so you can easily surpass them.
095: Thought is the basis for all reality.
096: When you fall on your face, you're still moving forward.
097: A mystery is only a mystery while it remains uninvestigated.
098: You can't pick a lock with a key.
099: There's no such thing as 100% accuracy.
100: The truth is just an excuse for lack of imagination.
101: Never tell the same lie twice.
102: Always burn your bridges behind you; you never know who might be following you.
103: Nothing great was ever achieved solely with enthusiasm.
104: Don't be afraid of failure, be afraid of perfection.
105: Only a fool knows no fear.
106: Life's too short to deprive yourself of the simple pleasures.
107: The best place to hide is in the mind of your worst enemy.
108: The fiercest enemy is the one with nothing left to lose.
109: History is written by the victors.
110: The beginning of wisdom is, "I don't know."
111: To feel the thrill of victory, there must be a possibility of failure.
112: Timing is everything.
113: No experiment is a failure.
114: Never be caught without a good joke.
115: If you have to say, "At least I still have my dignity," you've already been robbed of it.
116: Don't get your hopes up.
117: Winning isn�t everything, but losing�s no picnic either.
118: To hope is to recognize the possibility.
119: Risk is unavoidable.
120: A picture�s worth a thousand words.
121: There's a vast valley between complexity and chaos.
122: Don't ever misplace your trust.
123: Flare is what makes the difference between artistry and competence.
124: There's a sucker born every minute.
125: Happiness is a serious problem.
126: A fool and his money are soon partying.
127: The best place to hide something is in plain sight.
128: It is better to keep your mouth shut and be called a fool than to open your mouth and prove it.
129: Instinct is just another term for serendipity.
130: Death is one of the leading causes of statistics.
131: If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
132: Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
133: Every two minutes, another statistic is created.
134: Excessive honesty can be cataclysmic.
135: Don't say, "Here goes nothing!" unless you really believe it.
136: Only the wisest and stupidest of men never change.
137: Two wrongs are only the beginning.
138: One death is a tragedy; A million deaths is a statistic.
139: He who hesitates is probably right.
140: People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
141: Tourists are terrorists with cameras; Terrorists are tourists with guns.
142: For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
143: No one is listening until you make a mistake.
144: Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
145: There is someone willing to argue about any point.
146: To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism, to steal ideas from many is research.
147: To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
148: You don�t get harmony when everybody sings the same note.
149: Without struggle, there can be no progress.
150: He who aims at nothing is sure to hit it.
151: The road to Hell is paved with good intentions.
152: Don�t sip from the cup of life if you can gulp from the pitcher.
153: An object at rest cannot be stopped.
154: Most people wouldn't know reason if it walked up to them and shook their hand.
155: You must die before you can kill.
156: Necessity is the mother of invention.
157: You're only young once, but you can always be immature.
158: Ignorance is bliss.
159: A conclusion is the place where you get tired of thinking.
160: Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
161: You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
162: The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
163: A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
164: Early to rise and early to bed makes a man healthy, but socially dead.
165: If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
166: If you think no one cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
167: Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
168: Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
169: Hard work pays off tomorrow; laziness pays off today.
170: Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.
171: Half the people you know are below average.
172: A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel good.
173: Never trust anyone who places your prosperity above his own.
174: When in doubt, be ruthless.
175: Everybody already knows Pig-Latin.
176: The secret to enjoying your job is to have a hobby that's even worse.
177: Weekends don't count unless you spend them doing something completely pointless.
178: Routines can be comforting.
179: One day, all your current experiences will become pointless stories.
180: Life is full of precluded possibilities.
181: If people could put rainbows in zoos, they would.
182: If nobody makes you do it, it counts as fun.
183: People always assume you're some kind of altruist.
184: To make a bad day worse, spend it wishing for the impossible.
185: When life gives you a lemon, wing it back and add some lemons of your own.
186: If you find something easy, you're probably not doing it right.
187: Persistence pays off.
188: If winning isn't important, don't keep score.
189: Great minds think alike; evil minds are all unique.
190: The only lie that is wrong is the one that is caught.
191: Getting there is bad enough.
192: Discussion is an exchange of ideas; argument is an exchange of ignorance.
193: If you can't laugh at yourself, make fun of other people.
194: Soldiers win battles, generals get the credit for them.
195: It is one thing to show a man he is in error, it is another to put him in possession of the truth.
196: Modesty is the only sure bait when you angle for praise.
197: The love of money is the root of all evil.
198: Money can't buy friends, but you get a better class of enemy.
199: Nothing is said that has not been said before, but he who comes last is commonly best.
200: Time heals all wounds, and video rips them right back open.
201: Women feign weakness only to use it as a weapon.
202: Be afraid of cowards, for they will catch you off guard.
203: To nearly lose your life is to find it.
204: There are no rewards for good deeds, only punishments for bad ones.
205: Honor has not to be won; it must only not be lost.
206: A sword is only as good as the warrior who wields it.
207: 96% of all statistics are incorrect.
208: Stupid people require guidance.
209: To spot is human; to overanalyze is insane.
210: Pity the warrior who slays all his enemies.
211: Hope for the best, but have the experience to know that it's not going to happen.
212: No one was ever killed by kindness.
213: Never underestimate the element of surprise.
214: A true victory is to show your enemy they were wrong to oppose you.
215: If you can't beat them, sabotage them.
216: The more you have, the more you want.
217: A penny saved is a penny earned, and we all know how much that will buy you.
218: War is the engine of change.
219: Sympathy is the greatest weakness.
220: Don't make empty threats if you intend to make due on them.
221: There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.
222: Just because you didn't get an invitation doesn't mean you can't go.
223: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
224: Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy.
225: Tomorrow's another hell.
226: Abhorrence makes the heart grow fonder.
227: The most frightening villains are those who think they are doing things for good reasons.
228: Fortune favors the bold.
229: Dignity and an empty sack is worth the sack.
230: The distance between genius and insanity is measured by success.
231: Apology is an admission of guilt.
232: Small talk is an assemblance of nonsense that occurs between meaningful conversation.
233: Tension, no matter how thick it gets, can always be cut by a knife.
234: A mind is a terrible thing to lose.
235: Humans are the only animals that attack if and when they're not hungry.
236: Religion is another word for placebo.
237: The overall intelligence of a group varies inversely to the number of individuals in the group.
238: That which doesn't kill you makes you weak to the point that you long for death.
239: If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
240: Trying is the first step toward failure.
241: If you can talk the talk fluently, you don't need to walk the walk.
242: A conference is a gathering of important people who alone can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done.
243: No pain, no pain.
244: Diplomacy is the art of saying, "Nice doggie," until you can find a rock.
245: If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.
246: Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend, and inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
247: Tell the truth and run.
248: Those who live in glass houses should change clothes in the basement.
249: Having control over one's self is almost as good as having control over others.
250: One need not suffer in silence while one can still moan, whimper, and complain.
251: If you learn the innermost secrets of others, they will reward you with ways to keep you quiet.
252: False hope is better than no hope at all.
253: A good scapegoat is almost as good as a solution.
254: Don't waste your time reliving the past when you can spend it worrying about the future.
255: The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working.
256: Before critisizing a man, walk a mile in his shoes; that way, if he gets angry, he's a mile away and barefoot.
257: Every man has his price.
258: You cannot loosen a man's tongue with root beer.
259: Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
260: The second mouse gets the cheese.
261: Bacteria are the only culture some people have.
262: Televangelists are the professional wrestlers of religion.
263: The only substitute for good manners is quick reflexes.
264: Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
265: If you can't repair your brakes, make your horn louder.
266: A shin is a device used to find furniture in the dark.
267: The first casualty when war comes is truth.
268: A synonym is a word you use in place of one you can't spell.
269: Thinking can get you into trouble.
270: An error is the more dangerous in proportion to the degree of truth which it contains.
271: The man who makes no mistakes does not usually make anything.
272: It is not death, but dying, which is terrible.
273: The vanity of others runs counter to our taste only when it runs counter to our vanity.
274: God is dead: but considering the state Man is in, there will perhaps be caves, for ages yet, in which his shadow will be shown.
275: The two great european narcotics are alcohol and Christianity.
276: Man is certainly crazy; he could not make a mite, and he makes gods by the dozen.
277: If the triangles made a god, they would give him three sides.
278: The religions we call false were once true.
279: If you really want to make money, the quickest way is to start your own religion.
280: No man with any sense of humor ever founded a religion.
281: Vice is its own reward.
282: In fifteen minutes, everybody will be famous.
283: Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it.
284: Everybody likes a kidder, but nobody lends him money.
285: Anything's funny that happens to somebody else.
286: The secret to humor is not joy but sorrow.
287: Work expands to fill the time available for its completion.
288: The alarm clock is Man's greatest form of self-torture.
289: Curiosity is a willing, proud, and eager confession of ignorance.
290: What goes around really goes around.
291: It takes a big man to cry, but it takes an even bigger man to laugh at that man.
292: When in doubt, run away.
293: There's one path to success and a million paths to failure.
294: The only way to be happy is to know you won't be happy every single day.
295: To be human is to choose.
296: Negligence is just as bad as malice.
297: We're all blind men touching different parts of the same elephant.
298: Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
299: A jury is a group of twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.
300: Today is the last day of your life so far.
301: When life hands you lemons, just shut up and eat the damn lemons.
302: An expert is someone who knows more and more about less and less, until eventually he knows everything about nothing.
303: Men show their character in nothing more clearly than by what they find laughable.
304: Philosophy is a study that lets us be unhappy more intelligently.
305: One doesn't love a woman because she is beautiful; she is beautiful because one loves her.
306: Life is like a beautiful melody with nonsenseical lyrics.
307: Opportunity knocks only once, but temptation leans on the doorbell.
308: A bartender is a druglord with limited connections.
309: Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
310: Guns don't kill people; people kill guns.
311: Those who say something is fool-proof underestimate the average fool.
312: Lottery is a tax extracted from those who are bad at math.
313: Puritanism is the haunting fear that someone, somewhere, might be happy.
314: If you stop to think, remember to start again.
315: Some people will leave a mark on this world, while others will leave a stain.
316: If you're too open-minded, something might fall out.
317: Question authority and authority will question you.
318: The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
319: Boxing is like a ballet, except there�s no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.
320: Don't sweat the petty things; pet the sweaty things.
321: A babysitter is a teenager acting like an adult when the adults are out acting like teenagers.
322: A true scientist can understand life's most complex ideas but is awed by its simplest concepts.