CLAYTOR'S GUIDE TO WOMEN

Claytor would like to share some pointers on how to get and/or keep women...bear in mind that these won't work on all women...

OVERVIEW OF WOMEN

Well, as you might already know, women are a complex subject. If you have not figured that out yet, then you are in for a big surprise. Women like to be cuddled even when they say they do not...they want you to tell them the truth, as long as the truth is what they want to hear. Basically, roll with the punches, nod your head a lot, and make sure you don't argue when you have to sleep on the uncomfortable couch in the living room (for those nights you mess up, even if you don't think you did).

QUICK (GOOD) EXCUSES TO GET OUT OF COMMITMENTS YOU FORGOT

The women: "So why CAN'T you see me tonight?"

• Dear, you know grandma, how she loves to visit...how many more times will I get to see her before she passes on?
• I promised my Mother I would help her wash the dishes and then play Bridge with her and some of her friends.
• Sorry honey, it is my turn to brew coffee at the Soup Kitchen.
• One of my guy friends is getting over a bad break up...I have to buy some Hagen Daze and comfort him.
• My leg is killing me. I pushed a small boy out of the way of an oncoming bus and the bumper of the bus clipped my leg. Doctor told me to take my medication and go right to sleep.

QUICK (BAD) EXCUSES TO GET OUT OF COMMITMENTS YOU FORGOT

The women: "So why CAN'T you see me tonight?"

• ...huh? Oh, there's a Football Game on.

This will get you a good slap, no dinner and a night (or 2) on that uncomfortable couch.

• The boys are coming over for a long game of Poker, y'know, male bonding!

She'll stop the game, yell at you, ask HER friends over for a girly movie and you'll get a night on your uncomfortable couch.

• Going to a Strip Club.

The fool who uses this excuse deserves all he gets...

• Going shopping with Fifi, that underware model from next door.

Well, your women could say "Oh that's nice...have a GREAT time..." And of course, you'll go, and when you get home, the lock's will be changed. Or, she'll just laugh at you, thinking your joking and say "That's a good one dear...if you ever did that, I'd change the locks!!". Hopefully she says the second one, giving you a chance to laugh with her and say "Oh, you know I'm just joking!!!" (Phew!!)

• 'Cause I said so!! You don't own me, I'm my own man!!!

This one will is easy. She'll give you a look, and leave.

• No reason, just don't feel like it.

Seems harmless until your about to make love, when she stops you. You ask her, "Why not?" And guess what her answer will be? "No reason, just don't feel like it." Goodbye bed, hello uncomfortable couch

QUESTIONS WOMEN ASK THAT YOU SHOULD NEVER ANSWER

• Do I look fat in this?

If you say no, they'll pretend like they didn't hear you and ask themselves the same question, then answer themselves "oh, I AM fat in this!!!. If you say yes, you do look fat, well...start hitting the singles bars. Best thing to say is just "You look as good as you always do!".

• What do you think of that underware model next door?

This is a hard one. If you say she's cute, then your women will think you always stare at other women. If you say yeah, she's ugly, then she'll STILL think you always stare at other women. It's best to just say "Huh? Someone new moved in?".

• Should I buy this dress, or this one...or this one...well, this one's nice too...come one, which one?

Whichever one you pick they will pick the opposite one, or neither. Just say "Wow...they both look great!". Remember, your just there to carry her purse.

• Can I play Poker with you and your guy friends tonight?

Well, you could say yes. Then the night is ruined, and your guy friends will be your ex- friends. So you'll have to say no. But not just a simple no. A simple no will get you hours of "What, I'm not good enough for your friends?" or "Are you embarrassed of me?" and a nice night on that uncomfortable couch.