My favorite Kid in the Hall.  He's been a few of the funniest characters on TV ever...
Jerry Sizzler... Manservant  Hecubus... Bruno Puntz Jones... The Girl Drink Drunk... The Cat in the Hat (reading The Dr. Seuss Bible)... The Bad Doctor... Jacques... The Alcoholic Father... Lex... Trudie of the Sex Girl Patrol...   He also plays Dave on Newsradio!!!!

Personal Quote:  I'm a Canadian.  Thats like an American, but without a gun.
 

Dave: Mass Murderer Monologue  (From Season 1:  The Kids in the Hall)

          Transcribed from: HBO
          Transcribed by: [email protected]

     Scene: A kitchen; Dave is wearing a robe. He pours a cup of coffee.

     Dave: The difficult thing about being a mass murderer isn't the, uh, murdering
     part. It's the mass past.

     [Dave crosses to table with coffee and plate and eventually sits]

     It's the pace you've got to keep up. The sheer volume of murdering. 'Cause
     the funny thing about killing...After the first time you've killed, the second time
     it's easy. The third time you start to get cocky so you gotta be careful. You
     know, you can't stay humble or you make dumb mistakes. And oh, by around
     the seventh time you're likely to feel you're in a bit of a rut...want to get artistic
     with it...you know, start cutting off the middle toe of each victim so you'll be
     known as the, uh, "Middle Toe Murderer." [He indicates quotation marks
     with his hands] By that point, uh, I don't know, I think that's showboating, you
     know? You gotta ask yourself, "Who am I doing this for? Am I doing it for
     myself or for the press?" And around about the 20th murder, well you're likely
     to be sick of the whole thing, you know? I, uh, sometimes I don't even want
     to look at another corpse. I feel...I feel like if I even see a chainsaw, I'll
     scream.

     It's like what happened the other day. I - I had just finished ending a human
     life in a senseless act of violence, when I run into this old friend of mine from
     high school, and he says, "Hey, whatcha been doin?" And I think to myself,
     "What have I been doing? What am I doing with my life? Where is this
     leading? Am I going to be doing this at 50?"

     Sometimes I really think I should go back to college...

     [Dave opens a copy of The Mirror - headline: Killer Strikes Again]
 

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Dave: And now . . . the Dr. Seuss Bible! "One day," God said, "This is what
     I will do. I'll send down my son, I'll send him to you, to clear up this humpity
     bumpity hullabaloo. His name will be Christ and he'll never wear shoes. And
     his pals will all call him the King of the Jews!"

     He didn't come in a plane, he didn't come in a jeep, he didn't come in the
     pouch of a high-jumping vo veep. He road on the back of a black sasatoo -
     which is the blackiest creature you ever could view. He road to Jerusalem -
     home of the grumpity Jews - where false prophets were worshipped, some
     even in two's. There was Murray von Muir and Genghis Vo Vooze - the one
     you could worship by taking a snooze.

     Christ spoke from a mound, which is a pile of ground and people gathered
     around without making a sound. Thus he spake . . . Sin in socks, socks full of
     sin. How do we quiet this Jehovity din? "Do unto others as they do unto you"
     That includes you young Timothy Foo!! (points to a little boy) One pharisee
     said to another he knew -

     Kevin: What shall we do with this upitty Jew?

     Bruce: We can wash him in wine and make him all clean and into Sam Zittle's
     crucifixion machine!!!

     Dave: Twirl the gawhirl and release the gavlease and in go the nails as fast as
     you please. And it is said that he said as he bled -

     Scott: Forgive them Father, for they know not what they do, for they walk
     through this life in two crappity shoes.

     All: Do you?

     Dave: Amen! [closes the Bible, walks off with child]
 

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Daddy Drank

Cast:

          Kevin: grown son
          Dave: an alcoholic father

     Dave: All right now, son, I want you to get a good night's rest. And
     remember, I could murder you while you sleep. It's easy, son, all you have to
     do is be quiet and willing to do it. And son, I am *willing* to do it. And, I've
     got *quiet shoes*. Good night, son. Sleep well.

     Kevin: Daddy drank...

     Dave: Oh, son! Son, how many girls called you today? Zero? And how
     many girls called you yesterday? Lemme guess -- zero? Well, you know what
     they say, son. Zero plus zero equals FAG! Zero times any other number
     always equals FAG! Think about it, ya little mathematician.

     Kevin: Daddy was a salesman. Daddy drank...

     Dave:Son! Son, wake up! Wake up! It's midnight Christmas eve, and I just
     wanted so say thank you, son. I don't deserve this, son. I don't deserve
     anything to be honest with you. I just don't deserve this. [opens present] What
     the hell is this? Tap shoes? I don't dance. I can't dance, ya little bastard!

     Kevin: Daddy couldn't dance; oh, Daddy could *drink.*

     Dave:Hey son, you know how you've been bugging me to go and get you a
     puppy? Well today after work, I went out and I bought you one. But on the
     way home, I got hungry and I ate him! I'm joking. I'd never buy you a puppy.

     Kevin: Why didn't Daddy give up drinking? He couldn't. Daddy drank for
     the government!

     [Son wakes and turns on his lamp, to find Daddy poised with his hands inches
     away from throttling him to death]
 

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Dave's Funniest One-Liners
arranged alphabetically by reoccurring character or character type
 

The Axe Murderer:

"There aren't a lot of women dentists. I don't know why that is. Well, I guess there's one less now, huh?"
"Ohhhh, I'm an *axe* murderer."
 
 

The Bad Doctor (and other doctors):

"I figured, how far can you coast on charm? Well, pretty far, actually!"
"Look at this! Urine. Another man's urine. I ask for it, and they give it to me!"
"I'm not mad. I'm not Mad. I'm not MAD! But, I am going mad so there is a discount."
 
 

Befuddled, Silly or Spacey Guys:

"I'm sorry, but, naked, fat, black, crippled, dykes are hard to find."
"I just want a period that's all! Just one a month, okay?!"
"But until that time comes, I shall continue to look to the night sky, until I become drowsy and fall asleep."
"My blood has an odor. That can't be good."
"Gee, I wonder who owns that moon?"
 
 

Darker Humor:

"It's easy, son, all you got to be is quiet and willing to do it. ~ And son, I am *willing* to do it. And, I've *quiet shoes*!"
"I once shot a man just to watch him die. Then I got distracted, and missed it."
 
 

Businessmen:

"No, pop cans--pop cans, money--money!"
"I get the job--he don't! I get the job--he don't!"
"Come on, lobster! Come on, lobster!"
"Don't blame the clown, Husk!"
 
 

Frenchmen (assorted):

"Ah, I see we have here one of my Quebecois brothers!"
"It stinks in here of stupid women and their wondering about Tony; who he is with, what he is doing, what is he thinking of, is he
thinking of them, and will he ever return someday."
"Let that one go, Francois. He has spirit. Some day he may be vice-president."
 
 

Hecubus:

"Master, do you *like* 16 year old girls?"
"I am Julio de bus driver, ai ai!"
"I've got your rash cream, master!"
"Owa tana siam. Faster. FASTER!"
 
 

As Himself (On the Subject of Me and others):

"My spleen is twice the size of a normal human spleen. This isn't such a big deal now, but when I die, there's going to be a bidding war."

"If I were stranded on a desert island and could only have one book, record and person, I'd probably... die of exposure."

"I'm the guy with a good attitude towards menstruation!"

"Look, I've used 'quibble' and 'fey'-- I'm the next Tony Randell!"

Describing the experience of trying to take his son out of a toy store to Jay Leno, mimicking his son Ned: "Oh, no, please, SIR! Help! Help!"

"'Thanks for the new brother mummy.' Isn't that just exactly what Satan would say if he were a child?"

"Follow this ASS!"
 
 

Sarcasm and Dry Wit:

"Just resting up for that big sale at...Baby GAP!"
"I'm just no good at small talk, ya prick."
"I may not be able to hear with these. But you, you can't hear with this!"
"Huh, ya asshole? Side-WALK?"
"And tests show that a Beach Boys concert is a very sad thing."
"Clearly, if it is a spice rack, it is not a spice rack of the best ilk."
"I'm not being sarcastic. This is just a little speech impediment. I've talked this way all my life. It's made things *very* difficult  for me."
"We're tall enough!"
"You haven't known the meaning of hell 'til you've dealt with the *Tokyo* police, pal!"
"You love me, uh-huh, whatever."
"I don't like fashion rebellion; it takes too much energy away from real rebellion."
"I'm from Wisconsin. Is that the same as 'gettin' a lot'?"
 
 
 

Women:

"Did I miss the big cookie? I did so want to be here for the big cookie."
"You're a filthy liar, mummy."
"Daddy still didn't like Cyril, but after that there was respect."
"You want me to give you a quarter so that you can masturbate in front of my child?"
"Someone has kidnapped Sex Boy!"