| ~Jokes~ |
I must warn you that some jokes on here have some bad words, and some of these jokes are not so clean... But most of them are Just fine and Clean.
• What happend to the indian who drank 500 cups of tea?
~He drown in his Tea-pee
• Where is Jesus?
A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that
his students might be a little confused about Jesus because of
the Christmas season emphasis on His birth.
He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus
occurred a long time ago, that he grew up, etc.
So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."
Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."
Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurts out -
"I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"
The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and
waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss
for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and
asked Little Johnny how he knew this.
And Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up,
bangs on the bathroom door, and yells -
'Jesus Christ, are you still in there!?'!"
• Ancient History Explained...
A team of archaeologists found a slab of rock with 5 figures carved on it, in
order:
A Woman, A Donkey, A Shovel, A Fish, A Star of David.
After months of study, the leader took the rock and went on a lecture tour.
He said the carvings were thousands of years old but even so,
they revealed a lot about the people of that time.
The woman being placed first in the line of figures showed that women were held
in very high esteem - most likely a family oriented culture.
They probably used the donkey to till the fields.
The shovel shows they were highly intelligent as they knew how to make tools.
The fish shows they knew how to augment the crops they raised by also reaping
from the sea.
The Star of David of course indicates they were a very religious group of
people.
A little old man in the front row finally got the attention of the speaker.
When acknowledged he said, "I'm sorry to blow your conclusions but
you were reading it left to right. In Hebrew we read from right to left.
That way it reads, "Holy Mackerel, Dig the Ass on that Chick!"
• A blonde, a red head, and a black head were all in the same jail cell. They were put there by the blonde. The red head found a way to break out of jail. So the three of them made it out of the building and started to run off. A police dog found them, and chased after them barking. The three quickly climbed up three different trees. A police officer chased after the dog and the dog led him to the tree where the red head was. The Police officer asked the dog, "What is it boy," as he looked up in the tree. The red head decided to throw the police officer off and said "who! Who!". The officer then said, "Stupid dog, it's just an owl!" So the dog led him to the tree with the red head. The Red head said "Caw! Caw!" So the officer said, "Stupid dog, it's just a crow!" So the dog led the officer to the tree where the blond was. The blonde decided to copy the black and the red head, so she said "Moo moo!"
• Yesterday, I was bored so I decided to paint pictures of cats on my contacts. I put my contacts in my dog's eyes and watched as he ran forward for a long time, even running into walls. So then I decided to take out one contact from the dogs eye. He was running in circles all day long.
• When I came home from work one day, I put the keys in my door to my apartments, turned them and I heard the engine of the apartments start up. So I drove the apartments around for a while until I got pulled over for speeding. The officer asked me where I lived and I said "Right here." The officer left and a drove off again. I went onto the highway and then stopped in the middle of the road. I looked around at all the other cars and yelled, "GET THE HELL OUT OF MY DRIVEWAY!"
• A schoolteacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest. He had no discipline problems with any of his students that term.
•There are two rules to success in life: 1. Don't tell people everything you know.
• The Hunt for Alligator Shoes... A Marine recruit was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana and he wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the Marine shouted, "maybe I'll just go out and get my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes made at a reasonable price!" The vendor said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you will run into a couple of Army Rangers who were in here earlier saying the same thing." So the Marine headed into the bayou that same day, and a few hours later came upon two men standing waist deep in the water. He thought, "those must be the two Rangers the guy in town was talking about." Just then, the Marine saw a tremendously HUGE gator swimming rapidly underwater towards one of the Rangers. Just as the gator was about to attack, the Ranger grabbed its neck with both hands and strangled it to death with very little effort. Then both Rangers dragged it ashore and flipped it on its back. Laying nearby were several more of the creatures. One of the Rangers then exclaimed... "Damn! ... this one doesn't have any shoes either!"
• George meets Moses...
President Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair. The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm. George approached the man and inquired, "Aren't you Moses?" The man ignored George and stared at the ceiling. George positioned himself more directly in the man's view and asked again, "Aren't you Moses?" The man continued to peruse the ceiling. George tugged at the man's sleeve and asked once again, "HEY!... aren't you Moses?" The man finally responded in a very irate voice - "YES, I AM!" George asked him why he was so uppity & had taken so long to answer him. The man replied - "Listen pal, and listen good..." "The last time I spoke to a Bush, I ended up stuck in a desert for forty years!
• For my Birthday I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out... So then I filled the humidifier with wax and left it on. Now everything in my house is shiny.
• For a while I didn't have a car, I had a helicopter. There was no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running... *slow glance upward*
• A friend of mine is a Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street and .........ooooooooooohh....that's much better...
• The other day when I was walking through the forest, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candel making shadows of humans on a tree
• I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot
• "When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked, "Did you sleep good?" I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."
• "All the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hair balls for ceramic cats. The lady across from me tried to rob a department store...with a pricing gun..., she said, "Give me all the money in the Vault! Or I'm Marking down all the prices in the store!"
• "He was a multimillionaire. Wanna know how he made all of his money? He designed all the little diagrams that tell which way to put batteries in..."
• "I bought some batteries, but they weren't included, so I had to buy them again."
• "I made a map of the United States, It's original size, it says one mile equals one mile"
• I was going to commit suicide one day, I must not have been serious, because I brought a beach towel.
• I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add
• I spilled spot remover on my dog and now he's gone