(The following events are mearly predictions which may actually
happen....some day)

In a faint, dusty room the inhabitants of Planet Console have gathered
to mourn the passing of the N64. They gaze forlorned at the wooden
casket which has been made especailly for the occasion as they begin to
talk to each other in idle chit chat. The N.E.S and the Game Boy talk of
old times including the great war in the trenches against Sega. How they
suffered but, as Game Boy will state quite clearly, superior battery
power length edged it out for him against the Game Gear.

        The S.N.E.S is in a sultry corner crying it's eyes out as
Virtual Boy wonders if any sod has ever seen him let alone remember him.
Even those not directly connected with the family are there to pay their
last respects. Sony PlayStation has just come back from a three week
holiday in it's private villa in Tenerife and the Sega Dreamcast is
being carried in by its parents, Mega Drive and Saturn, because it's
christening was only a few weeks ago. Slowly a hush desends on the
assembled crowd as the vicar (Taking a break in between weddings and
boring schoolkids to death with paragraphs from the bible) begins.

     "We gather here today to mourn the passing of our dearly beloved
N64" he starts "T'was not, unfortunatly, a quick death but a lingering
one that started right at birth. N64's troubles started when it was too
afraid to give an appearence in the U.K. Its parent constantly told it
that if it wanted to get success quickly and easily then staying in
Japan was its best action and this it did for a long, long time. The
people of Europe became even more annoyed when, time after time of being
promised a release, it would once again reconsider a run to the safety
of Nintendo of Japan's headquarters. For some strange reason a promised
European release date of 'Mid 1995' turned into '1st March 1997'. Nobody
knows why.......

    The N64's childish pranks were continued when, upon it's release in
this country, it only decided to offer itself to only those who had been
queing outside Comet with their sleeping bags since the Ice Age and it
decided to charge £250 sterling pounds for people to get their grubby
little mits on it. This wasn't very nice.

   To add a little salt to the wounds the N64 decided that everbody
should have to go mining for it's games at great expense to themselves.
On the day of getting their bright, new N64 people travelled another 20
miles to find a bloody games for it! If they did find a shop that had
the sacred games they faced firstly the relisation that they had a fight
on their hands and then the discovery that they had a massive choice
of.....two titles. It is common knowledge that, for those who didn't get
a game to play, their N64 was used as a doorstop for the first few
weeks. That wasn't very nice either was it?

  When N64 went to school it was bullyed constantly by PlayStation who
had already claimed the U.K as 'It's turf' so the N64 had a difficult
school life and so learned little.

  Things would have got better for the N64 had it not went to the same
university as PlayStation and, once again, it got it's head kicked in.
The N64 spent the last few years smoking dope and drinking to excess
within the halls of residence. N64 constantly chanted 'I don't care
about the stupid idiots in Europe (Hic!) just give then that stupid
little snot green dinosaur and we'll be bloody done with it (Hic!) Pass
the bucket RRRAALLLLPHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!"

   Unfortunatly friends the N64 was found in a pool of it's own vomit
with a whiskey bottle in hand leading to where it is today. So ashes to
ashes and dust to dust........"

    As the speech continued S.N.E.S couldn't help but shed a silicon
tear as the casket was but into the awaiting black Dixons bag. the only
thing left in the will was a golden joypad which S.N.E.S would keep very
close to his heart. The final part of the bag vanished from view and the
Consoles were left with their own private thoughts which created a
silence in the room.

PlayStation broke it by saying.......
"Ah well jolly good show lads, terribly sorry for the old bastard, now
who's coming to get pissed down the Joypad and Multitap?"

Cameron