Sayings of Old (and Young)

 

If they ever come up with a swashbuckling School, I think one of the

courses should be Laughing, Then Jumping Off

Something.

 

When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't

stick your elbow out the window, or it'll turn into a fossil.

 

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that

man.

 

At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would

be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money

on tooth X-rays. But then I thought, if a patient said, "How's my back

tooth?" and you just looked at it with your X-ray

vision and said, "Oh it's okay," then the patient would probably say,

"Aren't you going to take an X-ray, stupid?" and you'd

say, "Aw fuck you, get outta here," and then he probably wouldn't even

pay his bill.

 

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take

my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him

to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said. "Disneyland burned

down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down,

he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the

real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

 

A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then

you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the

phone. "Hear that?" you say. "That's dynamite, baby."

 

Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd

ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking

back and forth you'd probably be able to get a lot of free games.

 

I'd like to be buried Indian-style, where they put you up on a high

rack, above the ground. That way, you could get hit by

meteorites and not even feel it.

 

If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in

my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some

smart-aleck cowboy said something like "Hey, look. He's carrying a

soldering iron!" and started laughing, and everybody

else started laughing, I could just say, "That's right, it's a

soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice." Then everybody

would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the

soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up

for a free drink.

 

I bet when the Neanderthal kids would make a snowman, someone would

always end up saying, "Don't forget the thick,

heavy brows." Then they would all get embarrassed because they

remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and they'd

get mad and eat the snowman.

 

Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're

an astronaught on the moon and you fear that your

partner has been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the

moon pieces, wham!, you just slam the door behind

him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say he's not

Dracula, but you just say, "Think again, bat man."

 

Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth

spin real fast and freak everybody out.

 

The people in the village were real poor, so none of the children had

any toys. But this one little boy had gotten an old enema

bag and filled it with rocks, and he would go around and whap the other

children across the face with it. Man, I think my heart

almost broke. Later the boy came up and offered to give me the toy. This

was too much! I reached out my hand, but then he

ran away. I chased him down and took the enema bag. He cried a little,

but that's the way of these people.

 

I wish I had a Kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both

Dracula AND Superman away.

 

I don't think I'm alone when I say I'd like to see more and more planets

fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system.

 

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why

several of us died of tuberculosis.

 

Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word

itself: "Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate

words - "mank" and "ind". What do these words mean ? It's a mystery, and

that's why so is mankind.

 

I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they

don't just go by size, because I bet there are some

Chihuahuas with some good ideas.

 

I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned

him, and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that

said, "I helped skin Bob."

 

I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is

they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in

the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke

up and go, "What was THAT?!"

 

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the

face.

 

Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite

and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has

little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could

be like ambition.

 

I'd rather be rich than stupid.

 

If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors

came up to you and asked where the gold was, I

don't think it would be a good idea to say, "I swallowed it. So sue me."

 

If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger,

screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes,

Mr. Brave man, I guess I'm a coward.

 

I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every

culture, is the story of Popeye.

 

When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if

they ever press charges.

 

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no

choreography, and the dancers hit each other.

 

What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save

a solid gold baby? Maybe we'll never know.

 

We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at

them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys

me.

 

Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of

striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.

 

I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was

free. To make someone run out with potato salad in

his hand, pretending he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality.

 

To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've

wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the

time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.

 

As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was

very pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all,

but A HUMAN HEAD!!

 

Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been

painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood

screws, can make a child look like a deer.

 

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down?

We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good

reason.

 

Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his

head out when you're coming home his face might burn up.

 

You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make

people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also,

he has severe diarrhea.

 

Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm

myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring

the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know

what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a

knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says "You." After

that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.

 

If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets

right back on you, I think you should buck him off

right away.

 

If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to

keep the students from just trying to yodel right off. You

see, we build to that.

 

If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe

you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch

you because, hey, free dummy.

 

I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I

bet you can really see it in those genitals.

 

Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's

neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I

have to laugh, because what is that thing.

 

He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he

made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when

he kissed her, she disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the

preacher said, "Dust to dust," some people laughed, and the

cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the others, "I'll be waiting

for you in heaven--with a gun."

 

The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me.

I remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what

kind it was - and drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I

think there were some trees there. The smell of something

was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember

a bigger, older guy we called "Dad." We'd eat some

stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never

leave you.

 

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is

"God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying,

another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you

did."

 

Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world

is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's

a shark riding on an elephant's back, just trampling and eating

everything they see.

 

As we were driving, we saw a sign that said "Watch for Rocks." Marta

said it should read "Watch for Pretty Rocks." I told

her she should write in her suggestion to the highway department, but

she started saying it was a joke - just to get out of

writing a simple letter! And I thought I was lazy!

 

If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think

liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy,

wouldn't you? You'd be wrong, though. It's Hambone.

 

Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what

her dinner tasted like.

 

We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we

wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd come

back with some whore he picked up in town.

 

I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to

town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too

bad.

 

As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I

thought back to the salmon I caught that morning, and

how gray he was, and how I named him Flint.

 

If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real

embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.

 

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first

instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what is I was an ant,

and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.

 

If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends

are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would

be to pretend you were swimming.

 

When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school

we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a

while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out

that Uncle Caveman was a bear.

 

Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it

was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky

feeling.

 

The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw.

 

When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie

heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if

it's not, mmmmmmm, boy.

 

Whether they find a life there or not, I think Jupiter should be called

an enemy planet.

 

Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we

should be thinking about getting more use out of the

ones we already have.

 

I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. and

since he is so busy, you'd probably have to run up to

him real quick and give it to him.

 

Just because swans mate for life, I don't think its that big a deal.

First of all, if you're a swan, you're probably not going to

find a swan that looks much better than the one you've got, so why not

mate for life?

 

If you're robbing a bank and you're pants fall down, I think it's okay

to laugh and to let the hostages laugh too, because,

come on, life is funny.

 

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I

bet that will really throw you into a panic.

 

Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.

 

I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says

something like, "Hey, when are you going to pay me

that $100 you owe me?" or "Do you have that $50 you borrowed?" Man, quit

being so cheap!

 

I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed

shrink is our friend.

 

I think one way the cops could make money would be to hold a murder

weapons sale. Many people could really use used ice

picks.

 

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet you

could shoot beer out of you nose.

 

I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our

children's children, because I don't think children should be

having sex.

 

Even though I was their captive, the Indians allowed me quite a bit of

freedom. I could walk freely, make my own meals, and

even hurl large rocks at their heads. It was only later that I

discovered that they were not Indians at all but only dirty-clothes

hampers.

 

I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their

pets, because I'd like to have one of those little beds

with my name on it.

 

It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But

what they don't tell you is that every time you hear a

mouse trap snap, and Angel gets set on fire.

 

If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy,

throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make

everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can

throw a real grenade at them.

 

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

 

The next time I have meat and mashed potatoes, I think I'll put a very

large blob of potatoes on my plate with just a little piece

of meat. And if someone asks me why I didn't get more meat, I'll just

say, "Oh, you mean this?" and pull out a big piece of

meat from inside the blob of potatoes, where I've hidden it. Good magic

trick, huh?

 

Life, to me, is like a quiet forest pool, one that needs a direct hit

from a big rock half-buried in the ground. You pull and you

pull, but you can't get the rock out of the ground. So you give it a

good kick, but you lose your balance and go skidding down

the hill toward the pool. Then out comes a big Hawaiian man who was

screwing his wife beside the pool because they thought

it was real pretty. He tells you to get out of there, but you start

faking it, like you're talking Hawaiian, and then he gets mad

and chases you...

 

Sometimes, when I drive across the desert in the middle of the night,

with no other cars around, I start imagining: What if

there were no civilization out there? No cities, no factories, no

people? And then I think: No people or factories? Then who

made this car? And this highway? And I get so confused I have to stick

my head out the window into the driving rain---unless

there's lightning, because I could get struck on the head by a bolt.

 

The whole town laughed at my great-grandfather, just because he worked

hard and saved his money. True, working at the

hardware store didn't pay much, but he felt it was better than what

everybody else did, which was go up to the volcano and

collect the gold nuggets it shot out every day. It turned out he was

right. After forty years, the volcano petered out. Everybody

left town, and the hardware store went broke. Finally he decided to

collect gold nuggets too, but there weren't many left by

then. Plus, he broke his leg and the doctor's bills were real high.

 

Too bad when I was a kid there wasn't a guy in our class that everybody

called the "Cricket Boy", because I would have liked

to stand up in class and tell everybody, "You can make fun of the

Cricket Boy if you want to, but to me he's just like

everybody else." Then everybody would leave the Cricket Boy alone, and

I'd invite him over to spend the night at my house,

but after about five minutes of that loud chirping I'd have to kick him

out. Maybe later we could get up a petition to get the

Cricket Family run out of town. Bye, Cricket Boy.

 

I think a good product would be "Baby Duck Hat". It's a fake baby duck,

which you strap on top of your head. Then you go

swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you

join them. Then, all of a sudden, you stand up

out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man, those ducks really take

off! Also, Baby Duck Hat is good for parties.

 

I wish I lived back in the old west days, because I'd save up my money

for about twenty years so I could buy a solid-gold

pick. Then I'd go out West and start digging for gold. When someone came

up and asked what I was doing, I'd say,

"Looking for gold, ya durn fool." He'd say, "Your pick is gold," and I'd

say, "Well, that was easy." Good joke, huh.

 

A funny thing to do is, if you're out hiking and your friend gets bitten

by a poisonous snake, tell him you're going to go for

help, then go about ten feet and pretend that *you* got bit by a snake.

Then start an argument with him about who's going to

go get help. A lot of guys will start crying. That's why it makes you

feel good when you tell them it was just a joke.

 

I guess I kinda lost control, because in the middle of the play I ran up

and lit the evil puppet villain on fire. No, I didn't. Just

kidding. I just said that to help illustrate one of the human emotions,

which is freaking out. Another emotion is greed, as when

you kill someone for money, or something like that. Another emotion is

generosity, as when you pay someone double what he

paid for his stupid puppet.

 

Many people think that history is a dull subject. Dull? Is it "dull"

that Jesse James once got bitten on the forehead by an ant,

and at first it didn't seem like anything, but then the bite got worse

and worse, so he went to a doctor in town, and the

secretary told him to wait, so he sat down and waited, and waited, and

waited, and waited, and then finally he got to see the

doctor, and the doctor put some salve on it? You call that dull?

 

I scrambled to the top of the precipice where Nick was waiting. "That

was fun," I said. "You bet it was," said Nick. "Let's

climb higher." "No," I said. "I think we should be heading back now."

"We have time," Nick insisted. I said we didn't, and

Nick said we did. We argued back and forth like that for about 20

minutes, then finally decided to head back. I didn't say it

was an interesting story.

 

If you're a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don't like the stuffing or the

cranberry sauce or anything else, just pretend like

you're eating it, but instead, put it all in your lap and form it into a

big mushy ball. Then, later, when you're out back having

cigars with the boys, let out a big fake cough and throw the ball to the

ground. Then say, "Boy, these are good cigars!"

 

I remember that one fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what

was coming. "You don't have to tell me," I said.

"I'm off the team, aren't I?" "Well," said Coach, "you never were really

ON the team. You made that uniform you're wearing

out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet. You show

up at practice and then either steal the ball and make

us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at

inappropriate times." It was all true what he was saying. And yet, I

thought something is brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees

something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can

mold. But that's when I felt the handcuffs go on.

 

If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don't think I'd call it

Trampo-Land, because you might think it was a store for tramps,

which is not the impression we are trying to convey with our store. On

the other hand, we would not prohibit tramps from

browsing, or testing the trampolines, unless a tramp's gyrations seemed

to be getting out of control.

 

I can still recall old Mister Barnslow getting out every morning and

nailing a fresh load of tadpoles to the old board of his.

Then he'd spin it round and round, like a wheel of fortune, and no

matter where it stopped he'd yell out, "Tadpoles! Tadpoles

is a winner!" We all thought he was crazy. But then we had some growing

up to do.

 

Once when I was in Hawaii, on the island of Kauai, I met a mysterious

old stranger. He said he was about to die and wanted

to tell someone about the treasure. I said, "Okay, as long as it's not a

long story. Some of us have a plane to catch, you

know." He stared telling his story, about the treasure and his life and

all, and I thought: "This story isn't too long." But then,

he kept going, and I started thinking, "Uh-oh, this story is getting

long." But then the story was over, and I said to myself:

"You know, that story wasn't too long after all." I forget what the

story was about, but there was a good movie on the plane.

It was a little long, though.

 

I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was

going to be an eclipse and tell the cave men, "If I have

come to destroy you, may the sun be blotted out from the sky." Just then

the eclipse would start, and they'd probably try to

kill you or something, but then you could explain about the rotation of

the moon and all, and everyone would get a good

laugh.

 

I wouldn't be surprised if someday some fishermen caught a big shark and

cut it open, and there inside was a whole person.

Then they cut the person open, and in him is a little baby shark. And in

the baby shark there isn't a person, because it would

be too small. But there's a little doll or something, like a Johnny

Combat little toy guy---something like that.

 

Some times when I lay in bed at night and look up at the stars, I think

to myself: `Man, I need to fix that roof!

 

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