Submitted jokes
Embarrassing Moments....
Curl Up and Die
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and threekids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge
for a shampoo and a blow job?"
Melinda Lowe, 39, Seguin, TX
Pad, please!
An insurance man visited me at home to talk about
our mortgage insurance. He was throwing a lot of
facts and figures at me, and I wanted to follow
as best I could, so I told my 6-year-old son to
run and get me a pad. He came back and handed me
a Kotex right in front of our guest.
Kathy Newman, 46,Winston-Salem, NC
>> > > > >> > Ho, Ho, Ho
>> > > > >> > I was taking a shower when my 2-year-old son came
>> > > > >> > into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper.
>> > > > >> > Although he made a mess, he looked adorable,
>> > > > >> > so I ran for my camera and took a few shots. They
>> > > > >> > came out so well that I had copies made and
>> > > > >> > included one with each of our Christmas cards.
>> > > > >> > Days later, a relative called about the picture,
>> > > > >> > laughing hysterically, and suggesting I take a
>> > > > >> > closer look. Puzzled, I stared at the photo and
>> > > > >> > was shocked to discover that in addition to my son,
>> > > > >> > I had captured my reflection in the mirror -
>> > > > >> > wearing nothing but a camera!
>> > > > >> >
>> > > > >> > Name Withheld
>> > > > >> >
>> > > > >> > Lady Golfer
>> > > > >> > I was at the golf store comparing different kinds
>> > > > >> > of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type
>> > > > >> > I had been using. After browsing for several minutes,
>> > > > >> > I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen
>> > > > >> > who works at the store. He asked if he could help me.
>> > > > >> > Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think
>> > > > >> > I like playing with men's balls."
>> > > > >> >
>> > > > >> > Colleen Collins, 31, Ferndale, MI
>> > > > >> >
>> > > > >> > Nuts about You
>> > > > >> > My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a
>> > > > >> > store that sold a variety of nuts. As we were
>> > > > >> > looking at the display case, the boy behind the
>> > > > >> > counter asked if we needed any help. I replied,
>> > > > >> > "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister
>> > > > >> > started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned,
>> > > > >> > and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this
>> > > > >> > day, my sister has never let me forget.
>> > > > >> >
>> > > > >> > Faye Emerick, 34, Ellerslie, MD
>> > > > >> >
>> > > > >> > Na-na na-na na-nah!
>> > > > >> > While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler
>> > > > >> > decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok.
>> > > > >> > I was finally able to grab hold of her after
>> > > > >> > receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other
>> > > > >> > patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving
>> > > > >> > "right now" she would be punished. To my horror,
>> > > > >> > she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just
>> > > > >> > as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now,
>> > > > >> > I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's
>> > > > >> > pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after
>> > > > >> > this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped
>> > > > >> > what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my
>> > > > >> > dignity and walked out of the bank with my
>> > > > >> > daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the
>> > > > >> > door closed behind me were screams of laughter.
>> > > > >> >
>> > > > >> > Amy Richardson; Stafford, Virginia
>> > > > >> >
>> > > > >> > Surprise!
>> > > > >> > It was the day before my eighteenth birthday. I was
>> > > > >> > living at home, but my parents had gone out for the
>> > > > >> > evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a
>> > > > >> > romantic night alone. As we lay in bed after making
>> > > > >> > love, we heard the telephone ring downstairs. I
>> > > > >> > suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a nude
>> > > > >> > piggyback ride to the phone. Since we didn't want to
>> > > > >> > miss the call, we didn't have time to get dressed.
>> > > > >> > When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights
>> > > > >> > suddenly came on and a whole crowd of people yelled,
>> > > > >> > "SURPRISE!" My entire family: aunts, uncles,
>> > > > >> > grandparents, cousins and all my friends were
>> > > > >> > standing there. My girlfriend and I were frozen in
>> > > > >> > a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed
>> > > > >> > like an eternity. Since then, no one in my family
>> > > > >> > has planned a surprise party again.
>> > > > >> >
>> > > > >> > Tim Cahill, Poughkeepsie, New York
>> > > > >> >
>> > > > >> > Priceless
>> > > > >> > One of the funniest "most-embarrassing-moment"
>> > > > >> > stories I've come upon in a long time was about a
>> > > > >> > lady who picked up several items at a discount
>> > > > >> > store. When she finally got up to the checker, she
>> > > > >> > learned that one of her items had no price tag.
>> > > > >> > Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on
>> > > > >> > the intercom and boomed out for all the store to
>> > > > >> > hear, "PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPER
>> > > > >> > SIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the
>> > > > >> > rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word
>> > > > >> > "Tampax" for "THUMBTACKS." In a business-like tone,
>> > > > >> > a voice boomed back over the intercom. "DO YOU WANT
>> > > > >> > THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU
>> > > > >> > POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"
>> > > > >> >
>> > > > >> > Mom's Advice
>> > > > >> > A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of
>> > > > >> > the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch
>> > > > >> > and not paying attention. She went back to find
>> > > > >> > out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and
>> > > > >> > whispered that he had just recently been circumcised
>> > > > >> > and he was quite itchy. The teacher told him
>> > > > >> > to go down to the principal's office. He was to
>> > > > >> > phone his mother and ask her what he should do about
>> > > > >> > it. He did it and returned to his class. Suddenly,
>> > > > >> > there was a commotion at the back of the room. She
>> > > > >> > went back to investigate only to find him sitting at
>> > > > >> > his desk with his penis hanging out. "I thought
>> > > > >> > I told you to call your mom." she screamed. "I did,"
>> > > > >> > he said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out
>> > > > >> > till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."
>> > > > >> >
>> > > > >> >