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The Beachullet
This is the story of a special mullet. If you are anything like me, you enjoy the natural spectacle known as the mullet (or the Kentucky waterfall, the Tennessee mud flap, the Western Pennsylvania neck warmer, the super 7, the pretty lady love trap, etc.). When worn properly, it can attract members of the opposite sex better than any aphrodisiac known to man. When the mullet is taken to certain extremes, or pushed to certain limits, it can be as unattractive as a man or woman who bathes in cologne or perfume. If used in moderation, a mullet is quite an elegant conversation piece. If abused, it can cause much damage both to the wearer and to those unfortunate enough to sneak a peek at the devastation upon his cranium. On this web site, you will have the opportunity to witness the unfolding tale of a rare, almost extinct specimen known as the Beachullet (that's pronounced "beech-you-let"). I will let you decide if he is a man who is dangerously careening out of control, or a ladies' man who knows his destiny and is ready to accept the challenges of life with a well-thought out mane. You be the judge...
It all started when my family and I visited the beach in June. I will not name the beach (in order to protect the innocent), but if you were to venture a guess, you might want to try Ocean City, Maryland. Shortly after our arrival to the scenic Ocean City, we were enjoying the surf and sun, when there suddenly appeared a large and gentle man that was sporting quite an interesting doo.
To say the least we were excited by this rare siting. We have been going to the same beach for many years, and the last time any of us remembered seeing signs of a Beachullet was in 1991 when our brother, Joe, had himself a nice little pretty lady love trap. As you can see below, it worked. Yes, that is me on the left. I was sporting a semi that year, and my catch was not quite as bountiful as my younger brother's.
The Beachullet was quite a sight. He had nice bangs, a ponytail down to his buttocks and, of course, the very necessary molester mulleystache. When I first noticed him strolling down past us, I immediately grabbed for my camera. As I said before, a sighting like this is rare indeed. We loved how the salty beach wind helped give the bangs some lift and the tail a bit of movement.
I was also quite impressed how this fellow was so secure with his manhood (this is usually one of the benefits of the mulletude that comes with such length) that he had no qualms about carrying a pink purse/man bag.
This is also a flashback to the late eighties or early nineties. Remember Joe's shorts from the year he had his mullet? Pink shorts or a pink hat are a must for a Beachullet, but a pink purse will definitely make the girls sit up and notice. Our story's hero did not brave the powerful waves on this day, but instead chose to sit under an umbrella. I suppose I wouldn't want to subject my long, lucious locks to the salt water and sun on the first day either. You have to ease into change with such a well-groomed mullet. You know, take a day to let it get used to the new climate. One interesting phenomenon was the fact that so many of the other vacationers stopped by to admire the mullet. Our family could not take our eyes off it for more than a few moments. This guy actually lost control of himself and walked right under the Beachullet's umbrella to get a closer look!
That was pretty much how the day went by. It was exciting, but not as good as it could have been if our hero would have battled the fierce waves. We were just about to head back to the hotel for the day, when out of the sea he appeared! At first we thought it was a mirage or a trick of the evening light bouncing off the water. But, no! This was not an illusion. It was a genuine beach-combing Kidullet! We just couldn't believe our eyes. We thought he must be the son of the Beachullet, but he did not set up camp near the other. Although the mullet was not the longest I have ever seen, the front/back ratio was quite nice. Not a bad start for such a young mullet.
As I watched this young lad frolicking along in the sand, it brought a tear to my eye as memories of the eighties came rushing back. Just when we thought this day could not get better, we experienced something that made it the perfect end to a perfect day. The young specimen's father came by to feed him. Yes, that's right. We got to see a young Kidullet, away from his natural environment, being fed right before our eyes! I must tell you, this was a wonderful event that I shall never forget.
We went back to our hotel feeling very relaxed and complete.
On day two of our vacation, we were treated to the Beachullet arriving with his mullet tucked in and tied up. Yes, he was ready for a day of action in the surf.
After he set up camp and rented a boogie board, he was ready to conquer the pounding waves. He just knew the female lifeguards and all the other fine women on our stretch of beach would be watching him. He did not need the distraction of trying to control his neck guard. He needed total concentration to enter the chilly water and perform his amazing feats of athleticism. Oh, by the way, he even gave me a little look and approving nod as I filmed his trek to the water's edge.
People cleared a path as the hero of the beach approached the ankle-deep water. He knew that getting into the water at least waist-high was a must to perform at the optimum level. His entrance was slow and calculated. He knew the ladies were paying close attention to his every move. He did not want to make any sudden motions and look nervous. Calm and cool was the nature of his game.
The entry was smooth and perfectly executed. The mullet was still dry and snugly tied up in it's nest. The action was hot! The Beachullet caught one wave after another as the entire beach stood and cheered! Well, not really. But, his kid looked kind of amused. All was going well for the mullet head. As you can see by the action shots, he was quite the daredevil. We were all trying to pay close attention to his moves so that we could possibly use some of his huge arsenal of tricks for our own ladies' enjoyment sometime later.
As the Beachullet was preparing to call it a day (with the hair nest still dry and fully intact) the unthinkable happened. He somehow got turned around and a huge wave rolled him! His hair not only got wet, but the nest fell down and he couldn't find his rubber band anywhere. He was calling for kids to come and help him look, but it was a useless exercise. The very waves that had provided him with so much pleasure, had now robbed him of his manhood. Having to step back onto shore with his mullet out of place is like you or me having to step out after a wave has stolen our swim trunks! It was embarrassing to say the least. Beaten down and heartbroken, our hero returned to his umbrella to quickly gather his belongings and leave the beach. We feared that a trauma such as this may be enough to keep our friend off the beach for the rest of the trip. After all, how could he face all those people after such a low moment?
The picture on the right above shows him pleading, "WHY??" You can almost feel his anguish as you watch him slowly making his way back to the rental stand to return his new enemy, the boogie board. Notice how he hides his face from the camera this time. You almost have to feel bad for the man.
We were all saddened as the Beachullet made his way off into the palm trees never to be seen again.
The End