first entry - 7th jan. 2000

how was your new year??

are you sick of this question as i am??

new year , new millennium... new beginings...

i'm sick of it.

i've been on my back , and on my ass for a couple of days now.

i've been alone...

well to be honest , i've been places , i've met people...

but i've been alone , even when i was not.

as the world grows smaller we are left more and more alone. television keeps us isolated , the internet makes us feel we're not really alone , there is someone out there. where is everybody?

concider your self , reading these lines , are you alone? when you go home , who is there to great you? does that person really knows you?

have you told him ( or her ) , all your secret wishes , all your darkest fears. if you die this instant , can anyone really say that there is one person in the world that really knows you. is there one person in the world that can tell the whole truth about you. and lets go one step deaper - do you know the whole truth about you? do you want to.

we keep behind masks and walls. we cover our faces with fake smiles and makeup. we hide our fears with lies we tell each other.

the world is a mask we all wear , guided by TV and magazines as to what we should look like and what we should feel. have you ever tried being different. and not caring about it.

do you really know what your fears are? are you able to admit to your self what scares you the most?

and i'm not talking about being scared of insects of being scared of the dark... i'm talking about the big fears...

are you scared of being alone in the world , are you scared of becoming your mother or father , are you scared of failing them and being someone else... are you scared of going out into the world and doing what you've always dreamed of?

i am

we all have dreams , we all have secret wishes and secret dreams. we all want to do them... most of us would never even admit to those dreams. most of us would never think of following them.

why?

we are scared.

or at least let me speak for my self - i am scared.

i've chosen a path through life , i'm following it. it a good path , it pleases the people that serround me , i'm studing , i'm making money , i'm successful. i get up every morning and put on my happy mask , i pick up my wall that i've put down for the night ( free in my dreams ) , and i wear it.

my wall does not prevent anything form going in... on the contrary , the wall lets it all in , i soak it all up , every sound , every smell , every expression. it all comes in and burns itself into my mind and heart. i feel it all.

the wall keeps it all inside... i think it was first there to prevent dreams from showing them selves , but had turned into a mental gag. not allowing anything to walk out , to fly free.

are you the same?

do you feel it all , and ignore it because your wall tells you to do so?

think about it.

i'm going to pick up my wall , and my mask , and go meet masks and walls who i call friends but they don't really know me.

i'm not sure i've got real friends. and by friends i mean those who really know you. with out all masks and with out all walls.

Thursday , Feb. 10

ok , i'm back , i have not been writing for a while... in fact for a while i've been ok , and the whole concept of this site seemed to be a bit stupid.

i started writing about two weeks ago but it didn't feel real.

well guess what , i'm back , i'm not fine!

the pain is back the doubts are back , the constant discomfort , the lack of quiet.

i lack the ability to relax. i'm on edge , i can't sit , can't stop moving , even now while writing i get up and pace around the room , looking at the screen that lights dimmly the darkness.

what you're about to read is soaked in tears , what you're about to read is packed with my pain. what you are about to read is my cry , my shout... i can't take it any more.

i know it sounds stupid but it's all about doubts. it's all about me having doubts and about me not being able to deal with them.

we all have doubts about the way we live , about the path we have taken , about the way we run our lives.

i don't know if i chose the right path.

i wish i could be stupid , doubtless , free of choices.

were you ever frre of choices , when every thing was set and decided for you.

when life is like that i'ts really easy to become stupid. it's really easy to stop using your head.

i've been there , it's fine for a while ( if you want to try you're more then welcome , just join any from of army around you , i spent five years as a soldier and as an officer ) , but if you've got a brain and you're used to use it , and you know you're intelligent , then you've got a problem.

maybe that's one of the routs to my problem.

i can't be modest about this... i'm smarter then most of the people i've met during my life.

i was raised as a child genius , and was used to being treated as the smartest one around.

diagnosed as highly intelligent , and extremley observant ( for example , i picked up the english language alone , at the age of six just by watching tv ) , extremly sensitive.

i'm not ashamed , my mother tought me never to carry false modesty... i'm smart.

the point is , i know what i'm worth , i know what my strong suites are , i know my weak spots.

and i think i made a mistake with the academic path iv'e chosen... for the first time in my life... i'm failing!

do you remember the first time you faild a test , the first time you did something wrong ?

did it feel bad? did it hurt?

now try to imagine a man who has never failed , a man that always know better ( i know i can be annoying at times - i'm arrogant , and well aware of the problem) .

and it does not matter what it is , or whats cousing it.

i feel pressure.

there was never any pressure on me.

i know some people that as kids , their parents used to pressure them to study , to succeed.

no one has ever demanded any thing from me.

i failed something before - then it was my choice.

things aren't going so well lately.

the pressure i've never felt is building up.

and the worst thing is - it comes from me.

no one is asking anything.

but i'm my own judge , and the judge wants results.

some times i ley in bed and talk to him , he wants me to show him that i've still got it , and i want to please him , so that he would go away.

and the more i want to please him the more i feel stressed , the more i feel fear.

the less i'm able to realx.

i don't know , i can't really seem to make any point today.

i miss the woman i love , we don't meet very often , she lives in another country.

i thought i was going to meet her tomorrow but i don't know if it's going to happen.

it's not lack of sex ( well not only) , it's the lack of companion , some one to talk to , someone that listens.

the only person in the world that came close to knowing me. the only person in the world that knows what i'm about to say , before i say it.

i don't know how she deals with my moods , i feel so bad when i hurt her.

i miss her.

were you ever really in love?

i know it sounds stupid and mooshy , but i'm struck by lightning every time i touch our lips touch.

i'm unable to think , or at least - nothing bad comes top mind!

i'll try to make a better point next time , if you got what i'm trying to say , then you're in better shape then i am ( or worse - it's a matter of point)

Tuesday, March 8

i've not been writing for a while , not responding to my mail.

my computer has been acting up.

my life has been acting up.

i don't know what it is anymore. it's almost like everything i do , say , hear makes me feel bad. it's almost like there is something inside my head wanting to feel bad.

i still feel alone.

the thing is i'm not.

i''ve got friends all around me ( or would be friends ) , i've got a job , i study , some times i succeed. some times i don't.

the thing is that no matter what my state of mind is inside somewhere i'm always sad.

i don't think i've had a happy day in my life.

the saddness inside is not a great thing to carry atound. some times it's like a small flame , like a dying candle , i feel it late at night when i crawl into bed. soemtimes it eating me up from the inside.

some times when i'm down , when i feel bad... i take my car out , at night , to open roads. open the window and let in some cold fast moving air. some times i drive fast , some times slow. i sing old songs with the radio. some times i make myself laugh... some times i break into tears. some times i shout until my throat hurts.

but usually i'm quiet... i drive slow , in my small dark blue car , that needs to be cleaned , and that stinks of cigarette smoke , and gas. i drive slow through the city , looking outside the dusty windows of my car... looking at people walking , talking , having fun. i pick up hitch hikers and talk to them... it makes me feel good. i used to be a hitch hiker , i know that some times it makes them feel good too.

it strange how easy it is to talk to strangers.

it's almost the same as i'm talking to you now.

i don't know you... you know nothing about me.

i'm not scared to admit i'm sad , confused , and feeling alone.

you would not be able to hurt me.

but like hitch hikers in my life , releasing everything on to you... makes me feel better... and like hitch hikers by stearing the car , and changing the gears ,by letting you on for the ride...i might have brought you closer to where you wanted to go or to who you wanted to be.

wednesday , april 12

This is an open letter to the woman i love. i think this is the hardes thing for me to write.

some of it she knows , some of it i'll tell her

the rest are the things i'm never going to tell her. she does not know about this site.

we have been togher for while... but we're not really together... she does not live close ( about four hours international flight ), we see each other about once a month... sometimes for a week , sometimes less. her work requiers a lot of travelling.

here it goes:

My Love ,

it's been about two weeks since we last touched... the phone calles are not really helping , but you know that.

i don't know when i'll see you again and it's making a mess out of me. i miss you.

you told me you might loose your job and might come live here... and i don't know if you heard it in my voice ( i'm guessing you have ) but i paniced... i love you... but are we ready to deal with this?

you know the situation here... you know how it's like for someone coming from where you live to live here. and i'm not talking about the small problems... i don't consider language and work as problems. i'm talking about all the rest. about me and you and all the rest... about my family not liking you , about the age difference. about commiting to each other.

and after all that after being so scared i faked a smile and said i want you here.

i can't say it's not the truth... i miss you so much it's tearing me apart. but having you here always... and what if it does not work ? what then?

but that's not my main problem with us.

you know i'm a jealous guy... and you know not being around you only makes it harder for me. and you know that when you're away from home it's even worse.

i don't think you're faithfull. i think you're cheating... and if you haven't yet then you will soon.

i know you're flying somewhere this weekend on duty ( yuo told me that ) , i know that one of your ex loves is living there... i know he wants you , i'm not sure if you want him. i know you sent him an e-mail , letting him know you're coming , and you didn't mention it to me... i know you're going to meet him in about 5 days and there is nothing i can do about it.

i know that if i was next to you there wouldn't have been a chance for any thing like this... but being away... not being able to know... being helpless.

if i had the time... if i had the money... i'd go there and meet you in the air port... i'll even meet the guy and have a nice dinner with you and him... and at the end i'll take a deep breath and kiss you , because i love you.

but i can't do that... instead i'm going to stay at home... not being able to talk to you... knowing that you're going to be there with him , not knowing what happend.

i'll probably never know.

somehow the prospect of you loosing your job does not sound so bad.

i don't think i'm able to trust you... and it hurts me.

maybe it's because you're away... maybe i'll never be able too.

every one is asking me what's going to happen with us... when are we going to meet again and what do we plan for the future... i don't know. looking from here and now... we don't have much of a future. and it makes me feel so dark and empty inside. i've never loved anyone as much as i love you. maybe that is why it hurts so bad.

i don't want to leave you , but i think i don't have much of a choice.

maybe all this jealousy and fears is just me looking for a reason not to talk to you any more... to say leave me alone... get out of my life... i don't want to see you anymore.

maybe i wan't to hate you.

and maybe it's you feeling the same... trying to make me hate you so you would not have to make the hard decision we are facing... i think we both realized a while ago that there would be no way to hold this for ever. there would be no way to avoid splitting up. and i think we are still trying.

the problem with kicking this dead horse is that it hurts us both.

i don't want to sleep alone anymore... missing you , hugging the pillow , dreaming of you.

what are we to do?
 
 

not much more to say... i know it's not my usual load of shit , but hey , it's my page... and it's my time... and i'll say what ever i need to say. and right now i needed to get that off my chest.

does not make me feel a lot better.

i did something that today i have not done before... i sat down and read what i wrote on this page. strange , but i never did that before. i wrote. i posted. i forgot about it.
one thing i noticed is that more then once i said something like "i havn't been writing much" and so on. well i think me and you are just going to live with the fact the i only feel like writing about once a month... so there you have it.
i was thinking about the people that manage to find this site... that actully read my words.
this is a small and remote corner on the net... you have to know what you're looking for in order to get here.
and i think that if you do get here... and do get though all of the above... then sometimes you feel like i do.

i think it's all about company. think about the net. and what it can give us. then about how close we could all be. think about the freedom it gives ( for example... it gave me the ability to say what i want with out fear ).
and what happens to it. it becomes a big shopping mall... every one is selling something.
there is a price for anything.

don't get me wrong. i aprove.
it's not a bad thing.
it's just that every one is blinded by all the money to be made that the rest is lost.
and so i came up and said. here i am. i don't care about money. i don't care if you listen or not. i don't care. i need to say something. and i hope you listen.
and i'm proud to say it's working... not only am i feeling better about my life. but i know through the mail i get that i'm not alone.
and more then that, that i am helping others.
i have to say that when i started this all i wanted was to blow off some steam, and i didn't really care if anyone else reads this or not. but now all i can think of is getting more mail from you.

there is a lot of crap flowing in. some people are stupid enough to read this , and mail insults.
how dumb do you have to be for that?
but every once in a while someone opens up. someone tells me what he feels , and what he fears. and i try to help.
it's ironic in a way.
me - giving help. my life is falling apart. the woman i love has left me for another man. my academic life is not really great , and i hate my job. i can't realx , and i don't have too much fun. i don't think i have real friends. and yet i give help.
so it's ironic. but it makes sense.
i'm in the same shit as you are.
one step ahead or one step behind.
and we can help each other.
we don't need a doctor here.
this is the global group therapy.
but not really. because to all of you... i'm the only one that speaks - and that's not really fair.
so soon, when i get more time , i'll set up a response page or something like it.
i know i said it before... it's been written on the bottom of my page for a while now. but i'm working on it.
and to those who think this site could use some graphics and so on - this site is low tech because i want to.
nothing should take your mind off the words.
i can do what ever i want with it... i'm a computer programer by trade, and by occupation. i want low tech.

i've always been a man of words. somehow i always had more control of the written word then of the spoken one.
i'm so bad on the phone.
i used to be really shy as a kid. i used to be unable to speak to women , to ask questions in class , to speak my mind out loud.
but i always had a way with words... they are so strong , aren't they?
they can touch gently. and the can cut so deep.
it's like talking to someone , but not really. you say what you want. and no one need to read it to listen.
just think of what my words have done to you. did you agree , did you nod your head?
did they make you cry or feel something.
did you feel that pinch in your heart when somehting hits the mark.
that's what i try doing when i write. i try to make myself cry.
yes i cry. not always. not a lot.
but when i have to. when i need to.
writing helps. i write to someone. to people i know. i tell them things i would never really reveal. i whisper and shout and laugh and scream. but mostly it's a slow soft deep cry.
i tell that world what i don't want anyone to know.

my woman cheathed on me. i can't change that. and though i couldn't do anything about it - i feel shame. i can't tell anyone about it.
my friends know it's over. they don't really know why.
why am i ashamed?
i have no idea.

so me and her is history.
but the thing is... if you read this whole page from top to bottom you can see it coming. i felt it in January and even said something about it. but i was not willing to let it go. to admit it.
i guess i'm scared of being alone.

for a while the pressure was off. now it's coming back on. june is going to be hell. it doesn't matter why. i know it is.
i know that people around me feel the same. every one makes jokes about it. me too. but it's going to be hard.
and yet no one is ready to admit it.
no one is really as he seems.

no life is as happy on the inside as it is on the outside. no family is perfect.
the oposite is more correct... the more perfect it looks , the sicker it is in reality.
 

sometimes i feel like quitting. not writing anymore , and take this site off the net. but i get these messages from you. they make me cry. they make me smile , they make me feel like i hope i make you feel.
they make me feel like i'm not really alone.

it's just a matter of time until i manage to remove a mask , and my companion would be there.
i thought i had a mask removed from the woman i loved... it turned out she had another one underneath.
look at the people you are with... don't be scared of being alone for a while... if you're not happy , if you can't take your mask off , or if you're not sure they have their mask off. make sure. don't wast time.
when i was in the army ( navy actually ) we used to say that the son of a bitch that can stop time was not born yet.
acutally the whole story is - the man that would fuck the whore, that would get pregnant and give birth to a child that would grow into a man that would cut down the tree out of which the crib for the man that can stop time would ve made , was not born yet.
i wasted five years there. i wasted about a year in my last relationship.
it wasn't all bad... but i won't get back the time i spent.

don't waste time... do something with your life.

i was thinking about options... about choices we make and how real is the illusion of control that we have over our lives.

i got a call from my ex-girlfriend. i didn't expect her to call. i know we said we would talk , and keep in touch, bla , bla , crap... but i wasn't ready to call her. i didn't think she would call me. i'm glad she did. and i'm not.
just made me more confused. she does not know what she wants. she's not even sure about what she does not want.
she said she missed talking to me , and that she thought about me a lot. i love to hear it. but since we're not coming back togther , stuff like that just makes it harder for me to move on. to find someone else.... she cheated on me. and i still feel like i'm cheating on her when i go out with other women. damn i love her.

but that's not my point now... it's something else. i was thinking about choices i made in my life. about options i had.

think about your life... when were you ever at a point in whice you had to make a choice. and i don't mean eggs or pancakes for breakfast. i mean something that would change your life.

for most of us... or at least for me... you have no choices... no real options. you live your life... your life takes you to school , then to work , to the army ( at least in my country ) , to college or to some bad job.
most of us just let life take them , trying to grab on to the good things we see on the way.
we're not really in control are we?

who is?

who can say... i was brave enough to change my life. i followed a dream which is out of the conventional path... don't start mailing me saying  - my dream was to be a doctor or a lawyer or an pilot.... don't jerk me off.

usually we follow the path we know. i'm not saying it's bad... but think about what the world is missing.
didn't you ever see a painting or a movie and thought you could have done it better... if that is what you chose to do... didn't you ever sit in a concert , noticing that one of the musicians missed a note... and you're thinking... if only i was up there.
didn't you ever look in the mirror and felt bad about what you saw.
do you pretend sometimes that you're someone else?

standing in front of the mirror. looking at your half naked body , thinking you could have been something else.

making stupid faces.

but you don't do anything about it. because your too scared... because you're scared of failing.

my ex girlfriend has a chance now. i'm jealouse of her... she was fired from her job. she has a chance to start life again. she has been kicked out of the circle... and now she has a way to leave what she was and re-invent herself.
wouldn't you like that?

waking up one day... and saying... ok, i'm done with what i was... i'm going after what i want now.

how hard is it to be so naive.
why does the world we live in has made it its goal to crush dreams.

i always wanted to write. maybe this place is just the first step.
i never even thought of trying to be a writer... some how it always seemed like a hopeless cause.
but when my life started falling apart it came back to me. it's in my head all the time... why did i give it up? i could have been happy , i might have failed... but i would have known if i'm any good.

maybe one day. right now i'm too lost and fucked up inside my life to have any time to do anything about it.
and i guess i'm still scared of failing.
think about it... it could be the worse thing ever... to follow a dream... and to find out you're no good at it.

there are no options. free choice never really existed. we follow paterns. we follow the conventional path.
follow the yellow brick road... the wizard will show you what you've already got... no brain,no heart, and a home you come back to , not because it's really what you want... but because it's safe. the witch is not there.

the yellow brick road would take you to your office and car and home... but it is also a trap. it would take you away from your dreams.

look inside you. maybe there is another road. not really a road... but a clearing in the bushes... maybe it would let you run in the fields.

maybe i'm stupid... i don't know... some of you out there chose to tell me that. i don't care.
i'm tried of being cold to the world. i'm tired of faking smiles.
i'm tired of driving alone late at night in my car. listening to the same old songs. singing the same old words.

dreams are a scary and strange thing... they give you a goal , something to hope for... but they also give false hope , or to the ones who are awake... it gives confusion , frustration. pain.

some times i wish i had no dreams.
what a great place to be in.
no feelings of loss , of missing out on my life.
wouldn't it be great if i could be pleased with what i've got. to be content with my life... not to want it any other way.
to see every change as a bonus.
wouldn't it be great to have no ambition.

sometimes i wish i could be stupid. sometimes i wish i didn't see and understand what's going on around me.

look at me , look at your self... sitting in front of a computer screen in alone in a dark room or a corner office... you don't really want anyone to see you reading this.
people might read it too , and find out you're not really happy.
someone might think you agree with me.

do you see your self telling someone the truth... do you see your self following your truth.
i still can't see myself doing it.
i'm pinned down by money and family and obligations.
i wish i could be free again.
i wish i could go back on the road. to travel.
to be free of time.
have you ever been free of time. not caring what's the date or day of the week this is. not caring about the time of day.

i wonder where my life went , i guess it chose to leave me when i sat down.
i miss it.

read , read ,read.

here is another small piece of information about me.
you know i traveled for a while. i've been half way around the world and back, on planes and trains , and hitching rides. i wathced the world for a pretty long while... but there was one man that really opend my eyes to it.
thank you Kurt Vonnegut Jr. for showing me the world.
read. read. read.

free will is gone. may be this is all just a timequake.

what are we doing?
nothing much to be honest.

lately i feel confined by the boundries of my life.
yes.

i feel like i can't break the formation i live in. i feel the it closing in.
i don't know what happened. actually i do. i knew June is going to be hell.
and it's here.
it's only starting.

is it possible to change your life.
i don't think so. but i think we can try changing the way we see our self in it. the way we take part and the way we let life sink in to our mind.
i think it's possible to change your perseption of life.

i'm pretty sick of the way i see myself, with the way i'm handling my life.
i exist. i flow. i'm here only for the sake of being here.

i don't think there is really a grand plan , a purpose to it all.
i don't belive in god , and don't try talking me into that crap.
so what are we doing here? if we're not part of a plan. and we're not making dreams come true , and we're not even comunicating with others ( not even with ourselves ). what the fuck are we here for.
it seems a bit of a vacant existance don't you think.
living , dying.

do you think that you've left behind you something that would make people think about  you when you're gone?
and don't tell me you have kids... any idiot can have kids ( and i have to say - usually - the dumber you are, the more kids you make ) , we're programed to reproduce... in that way we're no better then any other creature on the planet. ( actually worse , we've made a big deal out of it ).

i feel pointless. i feel i was meant to do something. i was meant to be something.
i think i'm in that point of life in which i realize most of my dreams would never come true.
so what the fuck are we here for?

the grand question.
i feel alive. i know i'm here. i know i'm somebody to someone. but i also feel missed.
i feel like i'm drifting through life.
oh crap. crap. crap.

i sat down with a lot to say... and now it all seems stupid. pointelss.
fuck it all.
i'm bored with watching people live a life that means nothing.
i'm scared of becoming one of them. having a job. working hard.
working for money. working so that we can retire.
fuck it.
i'm not going to waste my life like that.
i'm not about to live a small life. in a small house with a small family and a small dog. driving around in small cars.
no , no , no . no.
but it's happening with out me noticing it. i wish i knew how to stop it.

i went out for a drive last night.
got in to my dirty little blue car. listened to some great music... Tom Waits , Leonard Cohen, Nick Cave, Moby , Radiohead... i love them.
i turned on the air condition in the car ( i don't know where you are... but it's fucking hot here ), and opened the window  a bit to let the smoke out ( i smoke Winston's , fuck the warning on the pack... if it kills then it kills... driving kills more , shit , walking kills more ).
i think i started driving at about midnight... went out of town and drove north on the free way.
cold air from the air condition vents streaming along my arms... warm air from out side on my face.
after working alone at home all day... it felt so good. i felt free.
but it's in those times i feel alone the most. like i'm in a fish tank... watching the people out side , tapping the glass to see me move from side to side.
it's then , when i can decide where i want to take my car and me in it... it's then when i feel the most out of control. it's then i feel alone and helpless.

i drove down to the beach. to a place where hookers work. it's a strange place. sad place.
young women, old women... selling sex for money. it's the lowest point a person can reach... when the need for money ( or drugs , or what ever ) is so strong that you are willing to loose control of your body , which is usually the only thing we can control.
i parked my car on a dark strip of sand. watching young men , old men , paying for sex. coming with cars , driving away in cars , fucking in the car. i think it's probably the most unsexy thing i ever saw. if there is one thing i wasn't thinking about it's sex.
i was looking at couples going down to the beach. laughing. i watched the pimps sitting on the side , in the dark , keeping an open eye.
the pimps have no control , they depend on the hookers to make a living.
the hookers have no control , they are drifting from back seat to back seat. from young guy to old guy. small dick , big dick. sucknig and fucking their life away.
the clients surly have no control... the need for sex, and the lack of will to go look for it made them come there and pay for it.
i can't understand it... where ever i went in the world, sex was always one of the easier things to get , for free.
and i don't consider myslef pretty.

i was watching them for a while , trying to figure out their srory.
looking at a young hooker, couldn't have been more then 18 , trying to understand what was it that drove her do the streat.
how can a life go so wrong so fast.
thinking about young men, old men. paying for sex. how scared do you have to be in order to pay for it.
how alone must you feel in order to seek this fake companionship.

and i thought of the masks they all wear... the hooker waking up in the morning to send her kids to school. the men lying to their families.
i think they all hide that part of their life.
maybe it's then that they feel alive.

i don't know anything anymore. i feel closed.
it's late.
i think i'll go for another drive.
it helps me think.
 

if you want , i'll post messages with out names or addresses attached. let me know!

T
the couch