There are some cracking ones here.  Funnily enough they all seem to be
American Tech Support calls.  Strange, that.

*****

At 3:37 a.m. on a Sunday, I had just looked at the clock to determine my
annoyance level, when I received a frantic phone call from a new user of a
Macintosh Plus. She had gotten her entire family out of the house and was
calling from her neighbor's.  She had just received her first system error
and interpreted the picture of the bomb on the screen as a warning that the
computer was going to blow up.

*****

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Now, do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok Sir. Can you tell me what you've done up until this
point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write "click" and I wrote click."

At this point I had to put the caller on hold to tell the rest of the tech
support staff what happened. I couldn't, however, stop from giggling when I
got back to the caller.

Tech Support: "Ok, did you type 'click' with the keyboard?"
Customer: " I have done something dumb, right?"

*****

One woman called Dell's toll-free line to ask how to install the batteries
in her laptop. When told that the directions were on the first page of the
manual the woman replied angrily:  "I just paid $2,000 for this damn thing,
and I'm not going to read the book."

*****

Customer:  "I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting
the same error message."
Tech Support: "Did you install the update?"
Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"

*****

Customer: "I'm having a problem installing your software. I've got a fairly
old computer, and when I type 'INSTALL', all it says is 'bad command for
file name'
Tech Support: "Ok, check the directory of the A: drive. Go to A:\ and type
'dir'.

Customer reads off a list of file names, including INSTALL.EXE.

Tech Support: " All right, the correct file is there. Type 'INSTALL' again.
Customer: "Ok,  (pause) Still says 'Bad command or file name'"
Tech Support: "Ummmm... The file is there in the correct place. It can't
help but to do something. Are you sure you're typing I-N-S-T-A-L-L and
hitting the ENTER key?"
Customer: "Yes, let me try again." (pause). "Nope, still 'Bad command or
file name."
Tech Support: (now really confused) "Are you sure you're typing
I-N-S-T-A-L-L and hitting the key that says 'ENTER'?"
Customer: "Well, yeah. Although my 'N' key is stuck, so I'm using the 'M'
key...does that matter?"

*****

Tech Support: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see
the 'Ok' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow! How can you see my screen from there?"

*****

Customer: "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word."
Tech Support: " Tell me what you've done so far."
Customer: "I typed 'A:SETUP'."
Tech Support: "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says."
Customer: "It says ('PC manufacturer') Restore and Recovery Disk."
Tech Support: "Insert the MS Word setup disk."
Customer: "What?"
Tech Support: "Did you buy MS Word?"
Customer: "No......"

*****

Customer: "Uhh ... I need help unpacking my new PC."
Tech Support: "What exactly is the problem?"
Customer: "I can't open the box."
Tech Support: "Well, I'd remove the tape holding the box closed and go from
there."
Customer: "Uhhhhhh ... ok,  thanks ....."

*****

At our company we have asset numbers on the front of everything. They give
the location, name, and everything else just by scanning the computer's
asset barcode or using the number beneath the bars.

Customer: "Hello, I can't get on the network."
Tech Support: "Ok. Just read me your asset number so we can open a trouble
ticket."
Customer: "What is that?"
Tech Support: "That little barcode on the front of your computer."
Customer: "Ok. Big bar, little bar, big bar, big bar ....."

*****

CUSTOMER: "I got this problem. You people sent me this install disk, and now
my A: drive won't work."
TECH SUPPORT: "Your A drive won't work?"
CUSTOMER: "That's what I said. You sent me a bad disk, it got stuck in my
drive, now it won't work at all."
TECH SUPPORT: "Did it not install properly? What kind of error message do
you get?"
CUSTOMER: "I didn't get any error message. The disk got stuck in the drive
and wouldn't come out. So I got these pliers and tried to get it out. That
didn't work either."
TECH SUPPORT: "You did what, sir?"
CUSTOMER: "I got these pliers, and tried to get the disk out, but it
wouldn't budge. I just ended up cracking the plastic stuff a bit."
TECH SUPPORT: " I don't understand, sir, did you push the 'eject'button?"
CUSTOMER: "No, so then I got a stick of butter and melted it and used a
turkey baster and put the butter in the drive, around the disk, and that got
it loose.  I can't believe you would send me a disk that was broke and
defective."
TECH SUPPORT: "Let me get this clear. You put melted butter in your a drive
and used pliers to pull the disk out?

At this point, I put the call on the speaker phone and motioned at the other
techs to listen in.

TECH SUPPORT: "Just so I am absolutely clear on this, can you repeat what
you just said?"
CUSTOMER: "I said I put butter in my A drive to get your crappy disk out,
then I had to use pliers to pull it out."
TECH SUPPORT: "Did you push that little button that was sticking out when
the disk was in the drive, you know, the thing called the disk eject
button?

Silence.

TECH SUPPORT: "Sir?"
CUSTOMER: "Yes."
TECH SUPPORT: "Sir, did you push the eject button?"
CUSTOMER: "No, but you people are going to fix my computer, or I am going to
sue you for breaking my computer."
TECH SUPPORT: "Let me get this straight. You are going to sue our company
because you put the disk in the A drive, didn't follow the instructions we
sent you, didn't actually seek professional advice, didn't consult your
user's manual on how to use your computer properly, instead proceeding to
pour butter into the drive and physically ripping the disk out?"
CUSTOMER: "Ummmmm."
TECH SUPPORT: "Do you really think you stand a chance, since we record every
call and have it on tape?"
CUSTOMER: (now rather humbled) "But you're supposed to help!"
TECH SUPPORT: "I'm sorry sir, but there's nothing we can do for you. Have a
nice day."