02-14-01

The strangest thing happened today. An old flame of mine popped up out of thin air. The strange thing...well it's a long story. this flame of mine, well, he's not the typical guy. I mean sure to everyone else he seems like it, but to me--it's a different issue.
We didn't break our relationship off because of arguements or disagreements. Instead it was because of distance. We dated 11 1/2 months while living two states away from each other. After we broke things off we kept in contact, but that contact wavered now and again. Everytime we did get back in contact it was due to something that happened to a relative or to each other. The strange thing is that no one told us something was wrong with the other--it's like--well, we just knew. Call it intuision, a feeling, who knows?
But back to today..we both have suffered in a relationship coming to a rough ending. Both of us have gone through some dramatci situations and some chagnes in our lives just recently. Something even stranger--the relationships we were involved with were quite simular--actually a little too alike for comfort. Non-the-less, we both decided to contact each other about the same time. We were curiously "worried" about each other.
You would think that it's been four years since our relationship and that we would have lost contact ages ago. That at least one of us would have forgotten the other's phone number, address, middle name or something! But no our connection is still strong if not it is definately stronger due to the growth we have experienced: mentally, physically and emotinoally--over the past 3 to 4 years.
And feelings--you would think that your feelings would slowly chip away..for the most part ours is still intact.
Lately I've been bashing "love" pretty hardcore. I dont' want you to think I'm anti-love. Believe me I'm not. Love can be a great thing if you find pure love. Most people just rhow the word around--I can not stant that! Anyways, back to my much adored old flame. He once wrote me a poem in whcih he "proclaimed" his undying love to me and promised that he would stand by my side no matter what happened. To this very day, he has kept that promise. He has always showed me love and has always been there to help me when I needed him the most. Dear God! He even knew--somehow--when I needed him the most. Now if I may say, although we do not have a dating relationship of any sort whatsoever, and haven't had one for over 3 years, this guy is the only guy who has ever come close to showing me pure love. And that, my friends, is my only "love story".
I have a feeling that this is the closest I will ever get to true love, who knows? Maybe when I get the nerve and courage to get back in the relationship life, I will once again serch for such a love. Perhaps there is someone out there who can show me more love than this person has.

02-13-02

My Anti-V-day club is growing! It's for all of those heart-broken single people out there...even the sigle people who are "happily lonely"--if there is such a thing.
Hmm...what is the point of V-day--to smother another person with kisses and chocolate? To make "love"?
Who has ever found love that doesn't hurt? It fucking sucks! And being alone on V-day, well that's bad in itself--people looking at you like you're a failure in the love-life field. The way I look V-day is that it's a day that you spend with someone who is good too you...who makes you feel special or needed. The bad part? What if you don't have a person like that? And in cases simular to mine why did the person you felt closest to fuck you over right before V-day? It's all hate if you ask me. Not only that but it shreds what self-esteem you had in your grasp. Not including tearing apart what you thought was your own "good judgement" in another person.
It's almost as thought your dignity is stripped away from you. Everyone around you sees what is going on, but instead of helping you to see the problem they sit back and enjoy the show. (Sick bastards) Sigh--that leaves you with questionable friendships now doesn't it?
What is the definition of a friend? (Especially when this 'friend' has to choose between whose side to take. In my opinion that friend shouldn't even get involved.) Who do you trust? Who do you get close to? Who can you count on to be there when you need them?
Back to the same friend issue--I know from experience that it's just not a good idea to do "in-group" dating, but what if you are only a couple years into the group, or what if you can't help being attracted to another groupee?
Hell, my thoughts are so jumbled and confused I dont' even know where to start when it comes to untangling them. All I know for sure is that I have feelings and I'm starting to follow them in the moment. If it feels right in the moment or if I'm attracted and think it's all good, then fine I'll follow the feelings. The bad thing? Doing so can cause more pain and agony to my alreayd confused self. Do I risk it?

02-12-01

I'm doing somewHat better today. It was an extremely rough day, especially here at home, but I'm feeling okay now. I woke up late--alarmclock failed me--but work was good. I came home to an extremely tense atmosphere, but I left and enjoyed a tasty Chinese dinner. My computer is a piece of shit, but I have friends working on it. My car died on me (twice), but I got it and myself home safely. Dad yelled at me, but apologized later, and we think we solved the car problem. So, overall...it was a shitty emotional day, but things eventually worked out.
As of the condition of my heart--sigh--it too is getting better. I am still hurt--and probably will be for a while--but the anger is kicking into high-gear. It's starting to soak in that I don't deserve to be treated like shit, and I definately do not deserved to be walked-all-over.
I'm no longer pondering the question, "How do I get even?" A friendhelped me realize that I'll only be hurting myself and others more than hurting the actual person I wish to get even with.
Plus, it seems that the person that would get hurt the most is the person who I want to hurt the least. (And they really don't need to be hurt more.)
The sucky part about everything is the feeling of being alone. I miss the mental and physical contact: the long talks about nothing, the hugs, the naps, the holding of each other, the comfortable silences, the feeling or knowledge that I am important, special, and needed.
And sure some of the above could be found without difficulty, but I don't--no, correction--I'm terrified of getting hurt again. Fear is definately the worst thing about his entire situation.

I'm not, and I don't feel secure in myself.

02-10-01

It's hard to believe its the weekend already, Sunday at that. Time sure flies. Today, well I'm still sick, but I figured I should try to cheer myself up. So I took some good ol' meds and headed to IVY Tech to play on the computers some and help my brother with his homework. It was nice just sitting and trash talking the computer classes. After that we looked at a few new cars and then I realized "oh hey, I need to get home to get in contact with a friend." Ended up going out and seeing Hannabal, the sequel to the Silent of the Lambs. It was actually pretty good. Although I'm not sure about all of this brain-eating stuff--puts a tamper on my appetite. So after the movie I went out to eat, relaxed in silence, and read a book. Then I watched some other movie, animated, actually I really liked it--well at least the parts I could keep my eyes open for. It had a good plot. Anyways, besides all of that I'm back home curled up on my bed w/ my blankets with a box of kleenxs trying to stop my nose from running.

One last thing...I'm starting to realize that you can't trust everyone out there, even some of your closest friends, but thank God that there are some friends out there you can trust and confide in. It's just a challenge finding which ones aren't out to hurt or take advantgae of you.

02-08-01

I'm not sure exactly what I'm going to talk about tonight. I can say that I feel like shit tonight. It seems like not only my head and thoughts are falling apart, but also my physical body. When does it all stop? **sigh** My leg is killing me due to working too hard in Ju-Jit-Su. And thanks to a certain person who grabbed just the right point...well for a second it hurt like hell. (Just picking on you) On top of that my head is pounding, I have a cold/flu, and I can't fucking sleep. Anyways, enough of that bitching. I'm finding out that a couple days after a huge emotional breakdown, things do not go back to normal. Everyone is like don't worry, you'll forget about everything all in time. Well, God-damn it all! I need one of these emotional watches these people own--if anyone knows where I can get one e-mail me already! And if there is no such thing exists--which I'm pretty sure there isn't--these know-it-all-people are wrong. If anything happens, instead of forgetting, you start to go numb. You start to care less about everything around you, and that's when the real shitty stuff kicks in. You question your future, your spirituality, your hopes and dreams, and everything seems goes haywire. And it's not that you're still pondering over what caused this emotional breakdown. The emotional breakdown merely takes a rest and hibernates in the back of your mind. All the other random thoughts merge into your mind at once. Then you find yourself questioning decisions and answers that are already set in stone. For example what you want to do for the rest of your life. Once you are past those, guess what pops back up--the primary reason you are questioning past decisions--the emotional breakdown (the beginning) It's one huge fucking circle. Is there no end?

02-07-01

I was going to go and workout at the gym, go to school, do some studying and try to forget about this last weekend, but for some reason, I can not motivate myself to get out of the house. So as of right now, I'm sitting here in some old boxers and a tankshirt, drinking some hot apple cider, pondering what the hell I'm going to type. So far I've just let whatever comes out of my head come out onto the computer screen. It seems to be working fairly well, so perhaps I'll continue this procedure. So why is it that you can treat someone really good, but in the end they always turn around and slap you in the face? And it's either a person you are dating or a person who you consider to be one of your closest friends. Or even yet, what is with this love shit everyone talks about? In the past few days I've come to believe that it's all bullshit. Love--whatever--whoever thought of the word or even made the word should be shot. Let me tell you something. I have only had a handfull of relationships in my short lifetime. And you might say, "hell that's not enought to make judgements!" but I'll tell you what, I've had just about every fucking type of relationship you can imagine: manipulative, rape, aggressive, verbally abusive. Shit it seems the only type of guys I attract are the ones who are ass holes, what's with that? So anyways as far as I can tell from my experiences with what I have misunderstood as being "love", well, love is nonexistant.

And the worst thing about even trying to find this nonexisting word is the pain. Pain that feels like someone is stabbing you over and over and over again. I'm sure many people have experienced the harshness. And even though anger comes to replace the "love", it's all pointless. Where does it get you? Where does the crying get you? Nowhere, because nothing you say or do can ever bring back the happiness and friendship that you once had with the person who leads you on and then the very same night has someone else in their arms. And what makes it worse? When they tell you they "love" you, and will always love you, but yet you aren't the one who they are showing their affections to.

So my advice to everyone looking for love, just stop. It's pointless. If you want to find something that even comes close to the word love, look for it in the people who dont' say it. They are the ones who make sure you stay alive when you are in critical condition. The ones who pick you up by your belt so to say. The ones who see your hurt and anger and stay to comfort you. They are the ones who will let you confide in them, and will never look down on you or smash your ideas and thoughts. If you are still having a hard time finding those people, look in the backgroud of your pictures. That's where love is.

01-26-01--night

How does it feel not having a significant other? hopelessly lonely
Life is too fucking confussing. Love, like, car....they are mere words with no possitive outcoume. They loose their meanings, then there is no point...They are equal to words such as---"the", "do-do bird", "hurl", "queer"--words that have lost their importance, their original meanings. Words that are used so casually like..."a","I","hey!"...that we don't even realize we use them. They are forgotten, never to be important, found, or cherished again. Exactly like the word "love". It's unimportant meaningless.
So what are you suppose to do when you feel unloved or have the need to feel loved? Fuck if I know! The way I look at it, you either get hurt or you're branded as a whore, slut or player for the rest of your life. Endless Torcher

01-26-01

God only knows...I swear! How is it that you love one person with all of your heart and would do anything for them, but they dont' show their feelings or at that, even share their feelings? Why do they not express them as fully? But wait! There is a third person involved. this person adores you...treats you the way you deserve, and is always there for you when you absolutely need a friend. They would drop everything, all at once, and come to your rescue in a flash. And you absolutely care for this second person and enjoy being with them, but you never gave them the full chance that they deserved, because your mind is submerged in person #1....God it's ot right and it's definately not fair, but life is not fair now is it?
Why is it possible to care so deeply for a large amount of people. I care for all of my friends, but I care about them too much sometimes...then I et the word care and love all messed up in my head. And to think, there are so many more people to befriend and add to the confussion!

01-22-01

What is the poit of emotinos? They are only there to mess with your head and confuse the hell out of you. And love...love is a joke! There is no point to it. No one will ever love just one person and on top of that no one will ever find pure loyal love. Unless you are referrig to God, and even then you can't possibly return His love toit's full extent. Our love is not worthy of His....
So tell me why do we continuously throw our hearts to the sharks? And no matter how great we treat the "sharks" they tear our hearts and emotions to pieces. The more we care the deeper and more they tear. It's so fucking pointless...I might as well be solo for the rest of my young life. At least that way I dont' have to deal with the painful wounds--instead I'll just be lonely. Not what I want or desire, but it will do I suppose.

01-04-01

Well if everything is done correctly this webpage should be somewhat finished by the end of the day. **crossing fingers** It's my first one and so far all is good! **wiggle toosh**