02-26-01: around 6:30 in the evening
So my cousin Marianne and I haven't seen each other for ages, well we talked on the phone the other day. (It's very rare for both of us to be home at the exact same time!) You see when I was up in Goshen, Marianne was my best friend. I mean we were tight. She's the bomb and so cool, and she looks just like me! Anyways, it was just really good to talk to her and catch up as much as possible in 10 minutes of phone conversation. I told her about what has been going on with my "love" life, school, work and then I told her about my web page. I'm guessing she saw my things that annoy the hell out of me page and she sent me a really funny e-mail in response. It's called things that really piss me off! If you get a chance to check it out please do, you'll enjoy it. Well, that's all I really have to say right now, it's time for me to eat and watch some movies. Oh yeah, for anyone who has been filling out or wants to fill out an application so I don't have to take blood, guess what?!? I skipped my appointment and you can be the person to take my place! But, hurry, because I dont' know how much longer I can delay the testing. **smiles pleadingly** HUGX
02-26-01: oh sometime @ night
Dear Lordy, it's only 10 o'clock and I feel like it's 3 a.m. in the morning. How horrible is that?!? Oh well, I suppose it's part of that cruel cruel working world. The people waiting in line, the confined spaces, the cracking whips, oh wait, that's not right! Errrr..anyways, yeah, the working world is a bore. I mean I have a good job don't get me wrong. I love working with the people I work with and I love the enviornment, but I don't like the schedules, the rules, one particular boss. God I got in trouble for taking my shoes off for a couple of mins. What a wench!
Now speaking of nothing, (A friend told me to use that line whenever I change subjects. I'm trying to put it to use.) Anyways, where was I? Oh yeah....speaking of nothing, tomorrow I go in to get a bunch of holes poked into my body. Yeah the good ol' blood testing. I HATE NEEDLES! They're pure nastiness and evil! My body was made to hold in substances not to poke holes in so it will loose it's substances! What a "wonderful" world! In order to get better you have to poke holes in your body. I don't think I like that idea at all! In fact I know that I don't like it! Ewwww.......I'm not looking forward to tomorrow at all...if anyone wants to take my place feel free to fill out an application in order to do so! Oh yeah then send it to me, an please do hurry, the blood taking begins tomorrow. By the way did I mention that there will be a future 6 hr blood test included? :)
Anywas I'm sick and tired of writing and I want to drink my orange julious--yumminess for the tummee. Night.
02-26-01: 10ish in the p.m.
This weekend started off on a weak foot, but it ended on a pretty good one. Last night, Overlord, Opiate, and Sparks all had the first cook out of the year. It was quite nice and yummie. Many steaks, hotdogs, brotwarsts, and chicken. Well actually there were only 2 pieces of chicken, but Overlord's mad-cooking skills didn't go over well with the chicken as great as it did with the yummie juicy steak. **tummie growling**
It was so nice, just to sit/stand around and chat with no--and I repeat--NO drama! Well, on the other hand there was the freakee guy in the window, who got a kick out of watching Overlord cook on the grill, but that doesn't count when it comes to drama--I warn you now...beware of the "D" word.
Anyways, yeah it was a good time and I even got to drive KiT<---a name I'm not sure if I'm willing to accept. I still like Night-Rider better. **smile** Perhaps, I'll brainwash Opiate and will get him to change the name--mmmawwwhhaaahaaa.
>
Well, that was my attempt to cheer myself, up and so far it's not working, so I'll see everyone later. It's time for my beddee-bi time. Errr, after I check out air-tickets to Flordia or somewhere warm cozee and FAR away from Madtown. NiNi
02-24-01: 12:30 in the a.m.
Well, this weekend has sucked pretty much. I spent most of my time at home, being bored. This morning I did go downtown with my Grandma and cousin, that was cool. Later in the afternoon MeMeVirus joined the three of us and we all went to Feista and got haircuts. The poor girl chopping my hair was so worried that she was going to make a rather large mistake on my hair. All I could do was laugh and keep saying "Chop more off, make it choppier!" She must have thought I was nuts. Eventually she loosened up and went all out. Ends up it's one of the best jobs that someone has done on my hair since I got back in town! I'm proud of the girl! Anyways, that was my highlight of the weekend...getting a hair cut. God, what a life I live. Like I said besides that, it's been a lame weekend. I've been worrying all about these blood tests the doctor ordered for me. I'm scared half to death, and I'm really aggrivated that they have to take my blood. I mean it's mine it's in my body for a reason, and it needs to stay inside of me...my skin's destiny is not to be a freakin pin-kuusin. But the mom insists on the 6 hr blood test and on top of that a thyroid blood test! What fun! -=Do you hear the sarcasm in that line????=-
By the time they are finished with me I'm going to be an empty white vessle with lots of holes that can't keep her own blood in her own body! For some reason I'm not looking forward to this. Maybe I can send sWell in my place! Yeah I think she'll like that..:)
Okay, I think I'm done whining and I'm ready to go and do something else. I hate depression. NiNi loved ones.
02-22-01: 10:30 in the p.m.
I'm frightened. Surrounded by pain and agony. I don't know where to go or what to do. I feel all alone in a cruel unloving world. I'm drowning in a pool of cold depression. I hurt, I'm scared. I'm falling. There is no beginning or end to my pain. All I know is that I hurt. I'm living in a dream. Nothing is real. Do I feel pain? Or am I imagining that I feel pain? I'm always cold. I can't get warm. I want to feel love. I need to feel love. I don't know what love is. The loneliness is so harsh. I keep thinking that if I find love I'll find warmth. Where do I look?
I'm empty. There is nothing inside of me. No feelings, not a single comprehendable thought. It's taking me forever to write this entry. I'm surrounded by emptiness, lonliness. Why do the same thoughts come to my mind? Thoughts come into my head, but they vanish into thin ai--ironic--just as fast as they come--sigh.
I'm so cold. I feel like I'm missing a pair of arms that wrap around me. I'm not safe. Something or someone is out to get me. Now where the hell did that sentence come from? No one is out to get me...are they? Do people just want to use and abuse me? Take advantage of me? Who do I confide in? God, I hate being scared, lonely, vunerable. I need to be strong. I want to be strong. No, I want to hide, to curl up in a hole and hide. I want to cry. To wash away the filthy loneliness, the vunerable feeling, the coldness, I want to wash it all away with my warm tears. But wait my tears aren't warm, they are cold. So how does one wash away coldness with cold tears?
Where is all of this coming from? I feel suicidal. I don't care about anything. Someone could run me off the road and I would just say "oh well guess it's time for me to go" and then, I would die without a care. Just like a single flower being plucked from a field of many flowers. And no one will miss that single flower, they have millions of even more beautiful flowers to choose from why miss this single lonely flower. The only people who would miss me or care would be family. At least that's how I feel. I don;t know anymore. I don't even know where these lines come from. I'm just typing what goes through my head. A lot of the thoughts rush by so fast that I can't keep up when it comes to typing them out. I just choose the clearest one at the moment, and then type. God, it's SO cold.
They say that the fastest way to warm-up is to lie skin to skin with other person. I wish I had another person to do that with. Where is Baltimore when I need him, and why aren't we married yet? I need to be held. I need to be told I'm special. I need, I need, I need, argh, I hate being needy and selfish. I need nothing. I need no one. I'll stop bothering people with my problems. I need to think. I need to sleep. I'm not tired. God I'm so confused. Why can't I find a good guy? Why don't I have a guy to hold me, to adore me, to tell me I'm beautiful and special? Why do I always fuck things up? Why am I me? Why do I always end up getting hurt? I hate getting hurt. I hate hurting others even more. I just want to give up. Ugh, there I go again! Being all selfish, God I aggrivate and annoy myself. I'm just going to shut up now. I'm off to bed. Good night cruel world.
02-21-01
I think I'm going to scream! My poor poor car is *sick again. I feel for her I really do. The poor thing has some kind of electrical problem. Who knows when I'll be able to get her fixed. **sniffle** It's only been six hours and I'm already missing her. I mean she's all alone in a big parking lot behind some strange building. She's got to be scared shittless. Ohh...how I hope she doesn't have nightmares tonight, knowing that she's not in her own car-bed* while she's sick. All I can hope for is the best.
Anyways, things are going pretty good. I took my dad out to dinner tonight, that was fun. We had a good conversation about future plans and what may happen. There are so many changes going on in each one of our lives that we can barely keep up on them. It's actually pretty scarey. (For those who don't know the family is officially moving to Indy. We only need to find a house.) I don't know how I'm going to cope with the idea of someone else living in our home. I mean comon I was born in this house in the back room--literally. This is the only home I've known. Who knows how I'll look at whoever decides to buy or rent our home. I might hate them if they ever destroyed the house or did something different that I'm not used to. That's scarey in itself! Can you imagine? Look out new owners of the funky looking house--crazy mad Ceej is out to get you!
The only negative feelings I have today are those super-dooper harsh ones of being lonely. I have the need to be held, but have no one to hold me. It's a bit depressing. Well...I'm off to read a magazine I bought today. It says I'm going to "Make him, Crave Me" (yeah, right, like I have a him--let alone a guy who has a crush on me!) and that I'm going to get a "Deeper, Sweeter Love"(yeah right). OH OH and then it says "Yum! The sexiest male". Makes me wonder who it is...maybe it's Dilbert!
For those people who are illiterate when it comes to car definitions...
*sick: broke-down
**car-bed: a drive-way
02-20-01: night
To anyone who cares...
First of all, just a reminder that these are my thoughts, my deepest feelings, my emotionally scarred self, confused self, my ventings and ramblings...In other words, maybe in clearer words, this is me: exposed, vunerable, and hurting. I don't want people to think that I'm some down-right bitchy person all the time. I'm not. This is just the location or better yet my imaginary "person" that I take my anger out on. I don't like to hurt real physical people, so I've resorted to writing. It's much better than keeping it locked up inside of me, where it will only build and tear me apart.
Anyways, enough trying to apologize or explain what's going on in my head and on this page, then again maybe not...If you can't live with who I am, then I'm sorry. It's me. I'm a young woman whose been hurt emotionally and I'm struggling in my outlook of life, so kill me, dislike me do whatever pleases you the most. I have a lot of soul searching to do, and if you don't like it don't read the entries. It's nice and simple. (That's the anger speaking out.)
Anyways, my thoughts are tangled like a ball of yarn that a kitten has been playing with. I can't seem to find the beginning or the end of the string, so I don't know where to start. I do know that for some reason, pain and depression has stepped back into the game of my life. And it really fucking sucks. I have so many thoughts and questions going through my head it's like a freight train is charging through and, it has no mercy for anyone who stands in it's way. If I try to slow it down I get plowed over. I change my mind all the time. I don't know where I want to go, what I want to do, what I think or believe, who to trust, who not to trust. I have no clue what my feelings are toward people around me, let alone what they think about me. It seems like all I ever hear are put-downs, advice that is not wanted--if I wanted advice I'd ask for it, how disappointed someone is of me, how I'm a failure, or people who are worried about me. Stop worrying about me! I can't live up to everyone's expectations. I have to be who I am, who I want to be, and if you don't like it I'm sorry. I'm tired of trying to be the perfect friend, the perfect daughter, the perfect student, the perfect sibling, the perfect Christian. I can not live a happy successful life,when all I worry about is living up to someone else's expectations. Let me be, and let me be who I want to be. Actually just give me some time so I can figure out who I want to be. It's like I don't have my own identity, because I've been trying so hard all my life to live up to someone else's expectations. Well, I'm through with that. How am I suppose to succeed out in the big wide world all by my little self if I don't even know who I am?
A quick side note--something that has been bugging me. To those people who worry about me "spiritually", and what God thinks...stop preaching to me! God loves all of His children right? He'll always love me. It's not like I have forsaken Him. And I know that he understands what I'm going through, and most of all I don't think he looks down on me, like some people, instead he lets me learn on my own. Anyways, enough about faith. I'm not here to preach. I know where I stand in my "faith" or as I tell my friends, not a faith or religion, but a friendship. One last bit to this side note, and it's a question. If someone really cares about you, why do they worry more about what kind of wittness you are being, instead of, what they can do to help you get through your struggles?
I'm tired,, hungry, sore and feeling quite bitchy. Thoughts of school, work, friends, men, and life in general are aboard the freight-train that is rushing through my head. In other words, I have too much on my mind to even care anymore, and I'm tired, so good night to all and sweet dreams.
02-19-01: 2 in the A.M.
"Kiss, kis, vi. To touch with the lips; to caress by joining lips; to touch gently--vi. To join lips; to come in slight contact--n."
Dictionary
What makes a kiss so special--so intimate?? The answer I receive when I ask other perople is that..."it's a part of the body that is rarely touched; therefore, giving pleasure when touched by another person." Sure that's a reasonable answer, but I dont' agree 100%. A kiss is so much more than a mere touch or a mere emotional/physical arousal. When meaningful it's the connecting, the touching of each other's souls.
A true meaningful kiss is the beginning, so to say, the birth, of something beautiful. It connects two seperate people, it opens up the other person, it exposes their deepest inner feelings.
A kiss that is yet to be given is like an unopened vase that contains many sweet scents within itself. Scents that smell so rich and sweet, but have not been exposed. When you give a meaningful kiss it's like opening up this vase. Many sweet and rich sents are difused into the air. Well it's the same way with the souls and a single kiss. A sacred kiss is given and received with such a deep meaningful purpose that the bodies temporarily release the souls so they can gently embrace the other with a soft, graceful touch.
My definition of a kiss...well...is to expose ones soul, their deepest care for another person. To give a kiss is extremely special, hence the reason I'm careful to whom I give them. It's very tempting and delightful to kiss just to kiss. However, did you ever wonder why we love to kiss? Perhaps, because it allows us to share and express ourselves in a way that only a soul can speak? Then again maybe not.
02-17-01: 1 in the A.M.
Today, well today was a day full of computer hate. I was actually looking forward to work, thinking that being around fun people would get my spirits up. It started out that way, but then the computer satarted to give me pure hate. Fuck the thing! I tried threatening it with a sludge hammer like I did to mine, but I think it was a suicidal computer. It only continued to give hate. Besides that, life was long and tiring today. And the day is ending on a good note. Sitting here talking with an old buddy of mine, after watching Phyco talking about the good ol' days. Well ol' in the since they were last semester. Anyways, I'm tired and I've had quite a day. Really emotional after last night, but like I said ending on a good note. So good night to all and I'll talk to you later.
02-16-01: early morning
Do you know what I absolutely hate. I hate it when people think they know every little secret in your life. I hate it when people try to turn things around and make everything look like it's your fault. When they say they meant one thing, but it's obvious they didn't, when they misinterput your words, and say that you are trying to change them. I absolutely hate it when they only see the outside of your life and immediately think that's what our real life is like. "Well, your family loves you, and would do anything to make you happy." Bullshit! It might look picture perfect on the outside, but fuck no it's not. There are so many damn problems in every family that isn't seen, people have no right to go about and assume that you have the perfect little life.
I hate it when they make you feel like you've been the one treating them like shit since the beginning the 2 of you met! What the fuck is that about? And on top of all of that they end the argument/conversation with "the three" precious little words, "i love you". Hell what am I suppose to think of that? I don't even know this person anymore, let alone know the meaning of the word love! How am I suppose to get over feelings that don't stop hurting no matter what the other person says?
02-15-01: evening
Tonight ended on a much better note than what it started. I ran a few errands with a buddy--who was constantly trying to make me eat. Then we just vegged the rest of the day away. It was nice. Not having to do anything, be anywhere. Skipping classes and Jujitsu. I do feel a bit like a bitch for skipping the Jujitsu, but my mind needed a rest. And that's exactly what it got. I read, drew a bit, goofed off. It was really nice. Probably the most relaxing day I've had since, well since I can't remember.
I'm still a bit down, but that's the sucky part of being emotionally hurt. I hope it goes by fast, because I seriously don't think I can take much more of this depression thing. It does help being with friends who you know care. Actually it helps a lot. I know I should get out and live life to its full extent, but I just can't seem to get motivated. Perhaps things will be better tomorrow. I have a good job and I work tomorrow. The people that work there are great...maybe being around them will brighten my life a bit. Who knows I guess I'll go to bed and wake up to find out. Good night everyone, and sweet dreams.
02-15-01: morning
God I feel like shit today. The depression weighs so heavily on my shoulders, I just dont' know if I can go on much longer. Who would miss me? I'd be easy to forget...
God the lonliness, the emptiness. I feel is too much for me to bear by myself. I'm worthless. There is nothing for me in the future. I can't even clear my thoughts long enough to decide what I want in the future. I do know that I want to be loved. (Not merely hear the word, I want to know for a fact that someone loves me.) I want to be adored, but hell, everytime I even attempt looking for love or someone to adore me...I only get hurt and others get hurt. If I disappear maybe other people will stop getting hurt. God my heart aches so much. This never ending sinking feeling will not leave me in peace! **fuck** I've tried every logical way, but I can't stop the pain. why do we--humans--have to be so vunerable? I hate being vunerable. So easy to damage emotionally. Emotional pain is the worst pain a person can feel. The only cure is time. And I dont' know if I have the strength or the will to wait that long. I'm so sick and tired. I dont' want to face life. I'm unmotivated. I'm sick of being me, being unhappy. I want someone to hold me. Someone to take my problems away. To at least comfort me. I want a warm body next to mine at night. Someone to protect me from others, from the world, from myself. I want to feel needed, special, safe. It's ridiculous, I sit here crying over nothing! Why do I hurt so much, so deeply? I thought I was over my last relationship, I realized that I can do better, and that I don't deserve to be a tag-a-long. So why the fuck do I still hurt so much? Fuck it all.
02-14-01
The strangest thing happened today. An old flame of mine popped up out of thin air. The strange thing...well it's a long story. this flame of mine, well, he's not the typical guy. I mean sure to everyone else he seems like it, but to me--it's a different issue.
We didn't break our relationship off because of arguements or disagreements. Instead it was because of distance. We dated 11 1/2 months while living two states away from each other. After we broke things off we kept in contact, but that contact wavered now and again. Everytime we did get back in contact it was due to something that happened to a relative or to each other. The strange thing is that no one told us something was wrong with the other--it's like--well, we just knew. Call it intuision, a feeling, who knows?
But back to today..we both have suffered in a relationship coming to a rough ending. Both of us have gone through some dramatci situations and some chagnes in our lives just recently. Something even stranger--the relationships we were involved with were quite simular--actually a little too alike for comfort. Non-the-less, we both decided to contact each other about the same time. We were curiously "worried" about each other.
You would think that it's been four years since our relationship and that we would have lost contact ages ago. That at least one of us would have forgotten the other's phone number, address, middle name or something! But no our connection is still strong if not it is definately stronger due to the growth we have experienced: mentally, physically and emotinoally--over the past 3 to 4 years.
And feelings--you would think that your feelings would slowly chip away..for the most part ours is still intact.
Lately I've been bashing "love" pretty hardcore. I dont' want you to think I'm anti-love. Believe me I'm not. Love can be a great thing if you find pure love. Most people just rhow the word around--I can not stant that! Anyways, back to my much adored old flame. He once wrote me a poem in whcih he "proclaimed" his undying love to me and promised that he would stand by my side no matter what happened. To this very day, he has kept that promise. He has always showed me love and has always been there to help me when I needed him the most. Dear God! He even knew--somehow--when I needed him the most. Now if I may say, although we do not have a dating relationship of any sort whatsoever, and haven't had one for over 3 years, this guy is the only guy who has ever come close to showing me pure love. And that, my friends, is my only "love story".
I have a feeling that this is the closeste I will ever get to true love, who knows? Maybe when I get the nerve and courage to get back in the relationship life, I will once again serch for such a love. Perhaps there is someone out there who can show me more love than this person has.