03-18-01: red buns--sometime tonight

last night was good, stayed at Opiate's house, watched movies, was extremely lazy, talked a bit and went to sleep. Only to wake up to his younger brother actually coming home with me crashed on his bed. Boy was he a surprised boy! I just remember it being extremely late and 2 guys walking down to the basement when i looked up one guy was like "hell yeah!" and the other--Opiate's bro-- was like "what the fuck?! okay this is cool" haha. it was actually pretty funny, so i jumped up and stumbled into Opiate's room and told him that his brother was home, he mumbled something so I just crashed on his floor. it was all good. pretty funny, now that i look back on it. so anyways, i wake up to Opiate playing his new computer came "Torment" or some take off of Dungeons and Dragons, it's pretty addictive and has a good story line to it. but none the less, i still went to the traditional "church of the pepperoni"--->mr. gatti's...this morn and that was all cool. then my sisters and i kidnapped a friend and went fake baking ooohhhh how nice the warmth and coziness, soft music, aaahh it was nice!
although i could leave the ass burning out of the picture....sigh
anyways, so after a good two days or should i say relaxing 2 days w/ a burnt ass...i'm doing okay. i dont' like being alone though, or just sitting at home, those are the times (like now) that i start to feel really down and i begin to think of things and how things used to be--good--how much i miss people or how much i miss being in a relationship. i mean damnit it's been almost 3 months since my last one and i still look around and see things that remind me..and i'm over it and i wouldn't go back to that relationship and i've learned my lesson yeah all of that good stuff, but....at the same time i miss it. god i make no sense at all....
anyways i'm helpless and useless, so never mind me. i'm going to bed, to be alone and sulk in my depression.

03-15-01: a soul's song?--4:30 in the pm

These are just a few things I've been writing the past couple of nights--they come and then they go as quick as they come. So I've tried to gather that which is left in my memory. I haven't had a chance to edit them, but oh well.

03-12-01: girl's night?--10:30 in the p.m.

good grief i dont' know what to talk about tonight...nothing depressing...i'm not in a depressing mood right now, and i thought i would type in something happy since i'm in a pretty possitive mood right now. who knows maybe it's the medications i'm on---i highly doubt it. :)

anyways, work today was all busy and lame. we had fun down talking a few customers who were bitches. i mean comon we were so busy and this guy brings in 4 huge bags of change--which may i add i was nice enough to accept on a monday--we aren't suppose to accept change, especially in drive-thru..--so anyways, he comes back 20 mins later and when i told him it was going to be another hour or so because we were too busy the bitch practically says i'm busier than you, count this and do it now slave! i so wanted to backhand that guy, lucky for him he was in drive-thru w/ a 4 inch bullet proof glass window between us. >:) i could have done some nasty things...hmm....good ideas for future planning.. :) mwwwhha haha yeah definately good ideas... :)
so the rest of my day was pretty good after that, did a girl's night out thingy...it was kinda freakee..dont' know if i want to do that again...hmm..but it was nice too...strange things these girly femmes are definately...so on our night out we went to eat dinner at Bob Evans and then went to see the new Brad Pitt and Julia Roberts movie called "Mexican". And hey it's a different movie than what I usually watch, but it was good and funny. i needed some funniness in my life today :)
the only bad thing as of right now that i'm trying to concentrate on is a psychology research paper...i swear i'm the queen of procrastination! it's due thursday..i haven't even started on it yet! eek! anyways, i'm off to beddy bi... night world.

03-11-01: The City--9 in the pm

I left my blinds a little bit cracked open last night and this morning the sun peeked its way inbetween the narrow rows. As I gradually woke up I saw patterns of light dancing on the wall. It was spectacular. I had forgotten how beautiful the little things of life could be. I laid there and stared for what seemed an eternaty.
I turned over to find myself looking at my new "pet"--my tulips. I don't know what inspired me buy them, I just saw them in the store and said, I want some. So, I yanked out the debit card and bought them. I have yet to find out what color they will be, but this morning--and right now--when I look at them, well they inspire me. Perhaps, because I want to be them. I want to be carefree, with no worry in the world. I want to sit back and soak up the light, the possitive things in life, and grow off of those things. I want to fly away from the negativity in the world. I want to grow and be strong. I want people to look at me and think I'm beautiful, to have people be inspired by me, to find peace and happiness when they are around me--to find no flaw in me, and if they do find a flaw, I want them to see how beautiful it has made me, how it has shaped my character and spirit.
But most of all I wish to be confident in myself. I want to look at myself, and find no flaws in myself. No, I want to look at myself and my wounds/scars and think they are wonderful, to believe that they had character. That they are perminant beauty marks. I want to love myself, to be happy with who I have become and who I am.
I feel as though I have labored heavily over building a town. Since I have existed, I have hand laid each stone in each building in the town. I shaped and designed the town to perfection. Then I entrusted it to another person for just a short period of time while I took a nap, because of my hard work. When I returned the beautiful town that I had entrusted to another person for such a short period of time was demolished. It laid in ruins. There was/is no way to restore it to it's original layout. That is how I look at my life. I feel as though there is no possible way to go back to who I once was. To truly be happy and joyful. To find peace and beauty, is merely an illusion, a dream.
One that will never come true.

03-08-01: Dagger--morning
I'm not quite sure how to explain last night, or yesterday at that. I was having a rough time as it was and then my entire journal entries were deleted. That through me over the edge. Something so small and pointless. Opiate said a few things that made sense last night. It's like I can't find peace in the world, or someone who knows exactly what I'm going through in "real-life" so I created a journal on this webpage. When my journal collapsed it was like my only security collapsing all around me. And when that security/safe place was destroyed all of my emotions, thoughts, feelings, whatever you want to call them surfaced and they were so overbearing, that I could not accept nor handle it, so I ran. I didn't want someone to tell me that I'm special. I didn't want someone to tell me that I'm needed. What I did want was to believe those things in my heart. And I don't believe them. No matter how many people tell me, I just can not find it in me to believe them. I mean who am I to trust these days? How do I know that they aren't just speaking mere words, words that are memorized and that flow when someone around them is hurting? What I need, really need, is to get away, to get away from everyone I know, or who knows me, find a spot in the world that feels safe and secure. Somewhere, I can find myself. Figure out who I am, what I want, build up my self-esteem. Right now, well, I'm a no one with nothing to me. The only thing I carry with me is overwhelming pain. Pain I don't understand or want to face, but need to.

03-05-01

Well, I'm breathing, I guess that's all that counts. It was good to see my good friend Tadd this weekend. I just hope we didn't cause each other more confusion that we don't need. It's a long story, maybe some other time. Anyways, it was an okay weekend. It breezed by really fast, thanks to work on saturday. Oh well. That's life. I'm really nervous about my summer and what I'm going to do where I'm going to be. I have things going good for me right now here in Madtown, good job, good friends, great second family--jujitsu peeps. However, I know that these people won't be here forever, and that I'm not going to be here forever, but I'm afraid to face my future and leave my comfort zone right now. Especially with everything that has happened in the last 2 months. God my life is so fucked up. Maybe not as bad as it appears, but my insides are crushing themselves. Oh well, I'm tired and I'm going to bed. Fuck life and this cruel world.

03-03-01

Well, darnit I had to work on a Saturday. It really sucked, but it went by really fast, and I was soon home picking on my friend from Wisconsin. It was all cool. Yeah good ol' Tadd, came down to visit me this weekend just to get away from his hometown. Too much drama is what I think it was :) So now he's down here demanding massages, and not giving them back. I think it's pretty lame, but oh well. Tadd is the same guy that I mention on 02-14-01 in my journal, about the connecting and everything. Go check it out if you get a chance. Anyways, so now I'm typing up a storm trying to say something in this journal entry and have nothing really to say, especially when someone is looking over my shoulder reading as I write. So I can't say much about him, until he leaves that is....Oh now he's pretending not to be looking...how cute. Oh well, I'm off to become a slave once more to another massage-demanding male. See ya around. Night.

Present Jan.4th-Feb.14th Feb.14th-Feb 26th