Ok here are some jokes that I've collected over the years. I hope you find them as funny as I do :)
Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in
the car I will fiddle with
a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a
road service until long after hypothermia has set in.
Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop
the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If
another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be
able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and
everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer.
Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me
soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You NEVER
get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't an issue.
Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working I will
insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me
twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back
together.
Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my
hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss
a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive
by holding a calculator).
Because I'm a man, I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't
think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a
complete stranger -- I mean, how could he know where we're going?
Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking
about. The answer is always either sex or football, though I have to
make up something else when you ask, so don't.
Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your
mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about
her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for mother's day
is okay, I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something
for my Mom, too!
Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie.
Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't like it.
Because I'm a man, yes, I have to turn up the radio when Bruce
Springsteen or The Doors comes on, and then, yes, I have to tell you
every single time about how Bruce had his picture on the cover of
Time and Newsweek the same day, or how Jim Morrison is buried
in Paris and everyone visits his grave. Please do not behave as if you
do not find this fascinating.
Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what
you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes
is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You
look
fine. Can we just go now?
Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the 2000's, I will share equally
in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the gardening,
the cleaning, and the dishes. I'll do the rest.
This has been a public service message
for women, to better
understand the Male animal.
Super Bowl
A guy named Bob receives a
free ticket to the Super Bowl from his
company. Unfortunately, when Bob arrives at the stadium he realizes
the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium - he's closer to
the Goodyear blimp than the field.
About halfway through the first quarter, Bob notices an empty seat
10 rows off the field, right on the 50 yard line. He decides to take a
chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security
guards to the empty seat. As he sits down, he asks the gentleman
sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?"
The man says, "No." Now, very excited to be in such a
great seat
for the game, Bob again asks the man next to him, "This is incredible!
Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the SuperBowl
and not use it?"
The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was
supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first
Super Bowl we haven't been together at since we got married in 1967."
"Well, that's really sad," says Bob, "but still, couldn't you
find someone
to take the seat? A relative or close friend?"
"No," the man replies, "they're all at the funeral."
Fourteen Rules
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the
pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to
get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignors advice. At the beginning of the
sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a
storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following
note on the door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy,
Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say
he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T".
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this
and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks
for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's,
not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
Asshole
This is a long read, but its worth it.
For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day when you just need
to take it out on someone!!! Don't take that bad day out on someone you
know, take it out on someone you DON'T know!!!
Now get this. I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I
had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely
saying, "Hello?" I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and could I
please speak to Robin Carter?" Suddenly the phone was slammed down on
me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down
Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two
digits incorrectly.
After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there
on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same person once more
answered, I yelled "You're an asshole!" and hung up.
Next to his phone number I wrote the word "asshole," and put it in my
desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a
really bad day, I'd call him up. He'd answer, and I'd yell, "You're an
asshole!" It would always cheer me up. Later in the year the Phone
Company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me, I
would have to stop calling the asshole.
Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number, then heard his voice,
"Hello." I made up a name. "Hi. This is the sales office of the telephone
company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID
program?" He went, "No!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him
back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!"
The reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you how if
there's ever anything really bothering you, you can do something about
it. Just dial 823-4863.
[Keep reading, it gets better.]
The old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the parking
pace. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car began
to move and she started to very slowly back out of the slot. I backed up
a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. Great, I thought,
she's finally leaving. All of a sudden this black Camaro come flying up
the parking isle in the wrong direction and pulls into her space. I
started honking my horn and yelling, "You can't just do that, Buddy. I
was here first!"
The guy climbed out of his Camaro completely ignoring me. He walked
toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to myself, this
guy's an asshole, here sure a lot of assholes in this world. I noticed he
had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the
number. Then I hunted for another place to park.
A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten
off the phone after calling 823-4863 and yelling, "You're an asshole!"
(It's really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial.)
I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro lying on my
desk and thought I'd better call this guy, too. after a couple rings
someone answered the phone and said, "Hello." I said, "Is this the man
with the black Camaro for sale?"
"Yes, it is."
"Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It's a yellow house and the car's
parked right out front." I said, "What's your name?" My name is Don
Hansen."
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home in the evenings."
"Listen Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes,"
"Don, you're an asshole!" And I slammed the phone down.
After I hung up I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialer. For a
while things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had a problem I
had two assholes to call. Then, after several months of calling the
assholes and hanging up on them, it just wasn't as enjoyable as it used
to be.
I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution:
First, I had my phone dial asshole #1. A man answered nicely saying,
"Hello." I yelled "You're an asshole!", but I didn't hang up. The asshole
said, "Are you still there?" I said, "Yeah." He said, "Stop calling me."
I said, "No." He said, "What's your name, Pal?" I said, "Don Hansen." He
said "Where do you live?" "1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house
and my black Camaro's parked out front."
"I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers."
"Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole!" and I hung up.
Then I called asshole #2. He answered, "Hello." I said, "Hello, asshole!"
He said, "If I ever find out who you are..." "You'll what?" "I'll kick
your butt." "Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now,
asshole!"
And I hung up.
Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at
1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon
as he got home.
Another quick call to Channel 13 about the gang war going on down W. 34th
Street.
After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch
the whole thing.
Glorious!
Watching two assholes kicking the crap out of each other in front of 6
squad cars and a police helicopter was one of the greatest experiences of
my life!
Name withheld to protect the guilty.
The Communication Game
For everyone out there who just can't figure it
out, here it is:
In the world of romance, one single rule applies:
MAKE THE WOMAN HAPPY. Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects.. that's the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the point system.
SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed............ +1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows... 0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets... -1
You leave the toilet seat up... -5
You replace the toilet-paper roll when its empty....0
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex... -1
When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom.. -2
You check out a suspicious noise at night... 0
You check out a suspicious noise at night and its nothing... 0
You check out a suspicious noise at night and it's her father... -10
SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS
You stay by her side the entire party.. 0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy... -2
Named Tiffany... -4
Tiffany is a dancer.. -6
HER BIRTHDAY
You take her out to dinner.. 0
You take her out to dinner and its not a sports bar.. +1
Okay, it is a sports bar.. -2
And its all-you-can-eat night.... -3
It's a sports bar, its all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted
the colors of your favorite team... -10
A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS
Go out with a pal.... -5
And the pal is happily married... -4
Or frighteningly single.... -7
And he drives a Porsche... -10
A NIGHT OUT
You take her to a movie... +2
You take her to a movie she likes.... +4
You take her to a movie you hate.... +6
You take her to a movie you like... -2
It's called DeathCop3.... -3
You lied, said it was a foreign film about orphans.... -15
YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable potbelly.... -15
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it... +10
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts.... -30
You say: "I don't give a care because you've got one too".... -800
THE BIG QUESTION
She asks, "Do I look fat?" You say 'of course not' without even looking.... -5
You hesitate in responding... -10
You reply, "Where?"..... -35
COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression.... 0
When she wants to talk, you listen for over 30 minutes... +5
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV... +10
She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep... -20
Financial Needs
A husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is
heating up, but then the wife stops and says "I don't feel like it, I just
want you to hold me."
The husband says "WHAT??" The wife explains that he
must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a
Woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen
tonight and he might as well deal with it. The next day the husband takes her
shopping at a big
department store. He
walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits and then tells his
wife, "We'll take all three of them".
Next they go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each.
Finally they go to the Jewelry Department and get diamond earrings.
The wife is so excited
(she thinks her husband has flipped out). She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says "but
you don't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then
let's get it." The wife is jumping up and down so excited
she cannot even believe what is going on.
She says "I am ready to go, lets go to the cash
register."
The husband says, "No, honey we're not going to BUY
all this stuff." The wife's face goes blank.
"No honey, I just want you to HOLD this stuff
for a while." Her
face gets red and she is about to explode and
then the Husband says "You
must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man!!!
Today's
Joke (Glossary Of PC Terms)
:It
says: "Press Any Key"
It
means: "Press any key you like but I'm not moving.
"It
says: "Press A Key" (This one's a programmers joke. Nothing happens
unless you press the "A" key.)
It
says: "Fatal Error. Please contact technical support quoting error no.
1A4-2546512430E"It means: "... where you will be kept on hold for 10
minutes, only to be told that it's a hardware problem.
"It
says: "Installing program to C:\<Directory>...."It means:
"... And I'll also be writing a few files into c:\windows and
c:\windows\system where you'll NEVER find them.
"It
says: "Please insert disk 11"It means: "Because I know darn well
there are only 10 disks.
"It
says: "Cannot read from drive D:...."It means: "... However, if
you put the CD in right side up...
"It
says: "Please Wait...."It means: "... Indefinitely.
"It
says: "Directory does not exist...."It means: ".... any more.
Whoops.
"It
says: "The application caused an error. Choose Ignore or Close." It
means: "....Makes no difference to me, you're still not getting your work
back."
20
SAYINGS WE'D LIKE TO SEE ON THOSE OFFICE INSPIRATIONAL POSTERS
1. Rome did not
create a great empire by having meetings...they
did it by killing all those who opposed them.
2. If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you
probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.
3. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the
job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
4. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
5. Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.
6. A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a
scapegoat.
7. Plagiarism saves time.
8. If at first you don't succeed, try management.
9. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
10. TEAMWORK... means never having to take all the blame yourself.
11. The beatings will continue until morale improves.
12. Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large
groups.
13. We waste time, so you don't have to.
14. Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!
15. Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent
slacker.
16. A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.
17. When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.
18. INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.
19. Succeed in spite of management.
20. Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.
Today's
Joke: (If Men Ran The World)
1.
Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the butt and a "Nice hustle,
you'll get'em next time" would pretty much do it.
2.
Birth control would come in ale or lager.
3.
Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap
years.
4.
On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking.
Mother's Day too.
5.
St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be
celebrated every month.
6.
Garbage would take itself out.
7.
Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the
Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.
8.
The only show opposite "Monday Night Football" would "Monday
Night Football from a Different Camera Angle".
9.
Instead of "beer-belly", you'd get "beer-biceps".
10.
Tanks would be far easier to rent.
11.
Two words..."Ally McNaked".
12.
When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would
actually reduce your fine. As in: Cop: "You know how fast you were
going?" You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the
place." Cop: "Nice one, That's $10.00 off".
13.
People would never talk about how fresh they felt.
14.
Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style again.
15.
Every man would get four, real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.
16.
Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
17.
It would perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the
following day with a full tank of gas.
18.
Instead of a fancy, expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be
with a giant foam hand that said "You're#1!".
19.
When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear
in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
20.
Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable response to
"I love you".
21.
The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
22.
"Sorry I'm late, but I got wasted last night", would be an acceptable
excuse for tardiness.
23.
At the end of the workday a whistle would blow and you would jump out of your
window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like
Fred Flintstone.
24.
Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public
ugliness" ordinance.
25.
Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.
Occupational Descriptions
An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.
An auditor is someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. (Mark Twain)
An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.
A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.
An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane. (Laurence J. Peter)
A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.
A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn't there. (Charles R. Darwin)
A topologist is a man who doesn't know the difference between a coffee cup and a doughnut.
A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a "brief." (Franz Kafka)
A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.
A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep. A schoolteacher is a disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children.
A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.
A diplomat
is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.