[Homecoming victory was glorious. It was unexpected, it was unlikely and it was well deserved/ However, it just didn't make sense. In the days following the game I assembled some of Bethel's most prestigious minds in a scientific "think-tank" to theorize what could have caused this seemingly impossible event.
Theory #1: "The Disney Effect"
This theory, (popularized by such classic films as "The Bad News Bears" and the "Mighty Ducks" trilogy,) states that "any given force will eventually prevail if the opposing force is preppy enough." While the preppiness factor in this case is unquestionable, we found this theory unlikely since Bethel's team lacks the "token female player" which is also a prerequisite for the Disney Effect.
Theory #2: "The Curse of Wernofsky"
The ancient Egyptian concept of demons haunting certain people and places could be behind our past failures. Wernofsky, in theory, could have an evil influence, which was causing Bethel to lose. When Werno became a Ram, he would have taken his hex with him and set us free. However, this too is unlikely, since the rest of Rogers' games have been seemingly unaffected by Wernofsky's plague.
Theory #3: "Money Talks"
The Rams's performance at the game was decidely out of character. Hypothetically speaking, could Bethel's administration have given the Rams an "incentive" to lose? We rejected this theory quickly though, since Bethel can't even pay for toilet paper, let alone bribes.
Theory #4: "The Dirty Bird Syndrome"
Now, I ain't no doctor, but maybe, just maybe, inhaling crusty bird feces for six hours a day had something to do with Bethel's past.]