[In my continuing scientific analysis of the nature of humans, I have come upon as interesting, some would say shocking discovery- humans relate with one another by gender and yet have no clue how the other being thinks. What other reason could explain the “break-up” of a relationship. People break-up with the full intention of getting back together. Folk sometimes don’t even know a break-up has occurred. Neither party has any clue how to proceed. Science’s major flaw (other than the attendance policy) is that they make discoveries and don’t bother doing anything about it. I will not fall victim to this. I have written a binding legal document approved by the Supreme Court, confirmed by the Pope, ratified by all that is considered good, and victim to several line-item vetoes (that is being appealed.) Here is the Official Break-Up Contract. I, ( name ) hereby decree to the seven winds that I ( name ) sever all ties with ( name ). All associations with the objective is merely an unfortunate coincidence and not an attempt on my part to reestablish diplomatic relations with aforementioned objective. Furthermore, I ( name ) with a curse on your head of (1. A plague on your family for seven generations. 2. You will always have the slowest bumper car, or 3. your parents will rent your room out to a missing-teethed, grizzled-sideburned, moldy-bearded, Grateful Dead style tie- died shirted, gray haired hippie who has a crush on you.) I ( name ) proclaim to the society of which I embrace that you are the equivalent of (1. a migraine headache brought on by a head on collision at 80 miles per hour, 2. stuff that grows under the fridge, 3. car door slam on your hand and a hammer on your toe instantaneously, or 4. _________________ . Any further association is to be filled with animosity. All gifts are to be returned. All friends of yours which I ( name ) have been sociable too will hence forth be referred to as the filth they are. Your ( name ) mother is ugly as well as yourself. All compliments I ( name ) have given you were simply lies enabling me to receive (1. popularity, 2. meaningless companionship, 3. or ___________ . You ( name ) are simply the human equivalent of a bovine. This document is forever binding and in no way represents idle comments. Let it be so stated that you mere existence is an abomination to the legacy of all I ( name ) stand for.
     Sincerely
     ( name )
Hopefully this will help end a few relationships legally with no hurt feelings. Thank you. (The counseling office is always open to recipients of such a letter.)]