[Pigeon droppings and leaky roofs are not a good combination, and I’d watch that ranch dressing if I were you. But perhaps pigeons and sports would be a good thing to try. With all the debate about the school’s mascot, the Brave, it seems that now is a good time to change. Given recent events, maybe pigeons should be considered. They’ve been filling our roofs, why not our hearts? When you think about, pigeons make perfect sense as our new mascot. Look at all the other mascots around the area. None have the long-range capability of a pigeon. When was the last time a Viking made a mess all over your windshield? When it comes to mascot comparisons, pigeons have no equal. Then there’s merchandising. Pigeons are very marketable animals. We could sell stuffed pigeons, quill pens and
Reese’s Feces in the snack machines. The cafeteria could sell pigeon nuggets instead of chicken nuggets. Though I fear the cafeteria is already one step ahead on that one. When you think about it, there’s really no drawbacks to having a pigeon for a mascot. No ethnic group is being insulted and I don’t think animal rights activists would be offended. Everything works. Of course Skit Night, in honor of our dive-bombing mascot, should be changed to S#$t Night, but that’s not a problem. There are no problems. It’s a perfect plan and a perfect time. Join me in giving our mascot the bird.]