[I have a grave responsibility to the school. I must call out to all the junior and senior class men concerning our new comrades in the sophomore class. I think that they are good people (as far as sophomores go, heck, I even have family who is sophomore. But it is time to be honest with ourselves, we have too many sophomores. It is needed for us to lower the number by at least 40%. Let’s look at this problem logically. There are 1650 students in this school in which 700 are sophomores. That leaves only 950 spots between the two elder grades. Translation: Seniors get approximately 475 spots, juniors 475 spots. Anyone can see that that is amiss. My goal will have the number of sophomores at 420. This is less than both the more mature grades. The reasoning is sound, but hard to implement. “How?” rings through your collective conscience. Though the Supreme Court hasn’t ruled, sophomores are to be considered human. That rules out a mass slaughter. Do not be dismayed. There are other attractive plans of attack. We just need to use our knowledge of being a sophomore. It is common knowledge that sophomores of both male and female are enticed by the prospect of a romantic interlude with a senior. You all know how I hate to generalize, but I feel we could get rid of at least 15% by putting notes in their lockers saying they have a date with either a senior volleyball or football player. (The Marilyn Manson fans will receive both.) The note will say “meet me at the bus stop. I’ll be on the bus to Tijuana. If I’m not in the back, I’ll get on in San Jose.” No self respecting junior or senior would fall victim to this, but inexperienced sophomores fall into such pitfalls easily. Number gone, 105. Another well known fact of being a sophomore is trying to fit in. We need to invite 15% of them to a party where a few key seniors are present. We take out really spoiled food and tell them popular people would eat it. Just imagine the look on their faces as one decides to be “popular” and eats. 105 are out of school with salmonella. Number gone 210. Finally, we have the respected Faith Selga tell the remaining sophomores that they are having a field trip and spirit day at the same time. She will also add that the new school colors are red and blue. As the bus leaves for Hilltop, we will all know that the number is 70 gone (only 10% would remember to bring those stupid field trip permission forms.) Grand total, 280. Game, set, match. With the number down, we can enjoy the sophomores. They are not bad people, but there are way to many of them. Once the 40% are gone, the year will be great.]