- COMPUTER JOKES -

Excerpted from The Official Computer Freaks Joke Book

by Larry Wilde and Steve Wozniak

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Editor's note: Some jokes were removed, because they weren't that funny, but I realize that some of you might find them funny, so here's the original file.

(Hold shift to download)

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HIGH-TECH HIGH JINKS

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Did you hear about the programmer whose doctor told him he needed more exercise, so

he started to roll his own joints?

What kind of cookies do computers like?

Chocolate chip.

What's the difference between a computer salesman and a used-car salesman?

The used-car salesman KNOWS when he's lying.

The office manager called IBM and said, "You've got to come in and fix our computer."

"What seems to be the problem?" asked the service technician.

"Someone dropped a rubber band into it and it's been making snap decisions all morning."

A computer is an electronic device that will never replace office workers until it learns how to spread gossip and laugh at the boss's jokes.

How many computer technicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to do it and one to tell him he's doing it wrong.

Have you heard about the new computer from Mexico? You get salsa with your chips.

What did the Indians use to make their computers?

Buffalo chips.

A computer is an invention that will never be the equal of a man until it can put the blame for its mistakes on some other computer.

Cheer for High-Tech High:

Hip hip hooray, for the ultra-violet and photo-gray.

Teacher to pupil: "This homework is a disgrace. I'd like to see a note from your computer.

SILICON SERENADE

"Somewhere over the RAMbow"

Which is faster, a computer or a human being?

Wait -- let me think about that one.

SIGN ON A MAINFRAME:

Beware of computer - it bytes.

Which way did the programmer go?

He went data way.

Why did the robot eat quarters at noon?

It was his lunch money.

Did you hear about the updated version of the three R's?

Readin', 'ritin', and replacin' batteries in the calculator.

"What's the big deal about computers?"

"A computer is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake every time you repeat it."

BUMPER STICKER

Old Programmers Never Die...

They Just Lose Their Memories.

Did you hear about the new computer that's so human that on Monday mornings it comes in late?

A computer is a machine that works faster than people because it never stops to answer the telephone.

COMPUTER PROGRAMMING PRINCIPLES

1. The computer never makes mistakes.

2. If the computer makes a mistake, see rule number 1.

Why do computers like human beings?

Why do you think? Human beings turn them on!

A bank robber decided to knock over a fully computerized bank. He pushed a note into the automatic teller machine that read: "Put the money in the bag, sucker, or I'll blow your circuits out!" The machine shoved back this message: "Straighten your tie, sucker. I'm taking your picture."

A computer Nerd is a guy who knows 147 technically possible ways to have sex but doesn't know any women.

Before Gordon Cooper ascended in his memorable flight into space, he was approached by a reporter and asked, "How do you feel?" "Terrible," replied the astronaut. "I'm worried." "But look what you're doing for your country, your family, posterity. What've you got to be worried about?" Said Cooper, "There are one thousand gadgets in this computer, and each one has been made by the lowest bidder."

What do you get when you cross a computer with a Doberman?

A computer that pees on fire hydrants.

What do programmers have in common with spies?

They both write in code.

What's black and white and red all over?

A computer printout from Russia.

The Russians have developed a microcomputer that they brag is the biggest micorcomputer in the world.

Why did the computer go to the grocery store?

To buy some cheese for its mouse.

What do you get when you cross an Ocelot with an alligator?

An oscillator.

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DATA BASE DATING

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The dating computer was very active that day. A tall, handsome six-footer stood in front of it. "I'm a millionaire," he bragged. "I have twenty oil wells, a gold mine, and I run five banks." So the computer mugged him.

They tried an experiment at the university. All dates to the dance were arranged by a computer. after a tough evening, one student remarked to another, "What a frightening experience to find out just what you deserve."

Archie came back from the computer dating office. He told his roommate, "I asked for someone on the small side who's into water sports, formal dress, and doesn't talk too much."

"So what happened?"

"They fixed me up with a penguin."

Man with woman at a marriage counslers office:

"We'd like to get married, but her system is not IBM compatible."

Gloria was lamenting her relationships with men who were in the computer business. "They all seem intelligent and stimulating," she said, "but none of them can make love."

First there was the salesman who always promised but could never deliver. "But," he said, "you'll love it when you get it."

Next was the service technician who always said, "I know it looks bleak now, but don't worry, it'll be up tomorrow."

Finally, she dated a software engineer who created a detailed flowchart of the lovemaking process and them announced, "Frankly, I think you should just implement this yourself."

A computer takes the guesswork out of it....but so does a bikini.

Did you hear about the two computers that couldn't get together because of religious differences?

She's AC and he's DC.

Dexter sat down in the psychiatrist's office. "Now then," said the shrink, "what is it that brings you here?"

"Doctor, you've got to help me. I've fallen in love with my computer. I realize, though, that I can't marry her."

"Well, I'm glad that you haven't lost your sense of reality."

"Oh, it could never work out," said Dexter, "She wants a career."

There are many computer dating services these days. What's their purpose?

Friendchip and courtchip.

The office was closed. Employees had all left for the day. The building was deserted. On the tenth floor, a male computer whispered to a female computer, "Wow! Nice set of bits!"

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SILICON SILLIES

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Why was William Tell's son electrocuted?

He forgot to unplug the Apple before his father shot it off of his head!

How many computer technicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Only one if he can get a program written for it.

What do you get when you cross a computer with a parrot?

A computer that breaks down because its circuits are full of cracker crumbs.

Did you hear about the new female computer?

You don't have to ask it anything. It tells you anyhow.

What do you get when you cross a computer with an alligator?

Either snappy answers or a computer with a byte.

Why was Isaac Newton knocked unconcious?

An Apple fell on his head.

Do computers have good table manners?

Yes. They take very small bytes.

What do you get when you cross a computer with an onion?

Either a computer with a bad overflow problem, or answers that bring tears to your eyes.

How do computers choose their meals?

From menus, naturally!

Why couldn't the computer find the information it was looking for?

It had a sloppy disk.

What do you get when you cross a computer with a rabbit?

A computer that jumps to conclusions.

Why did the computer come down from the chair?

A cat ate its mouse.

Did you hear about the bank computer that went down so often they nicknamed it the Titanic?

Where do robots keep their valuables?

In data banks.

Why couldn't the robot go for a swim?

He went a few months ago and now he's a little rusty.

Did you hear about the fully automated bank in Detroit? A fellow sent it a card saying "This is a holdup," and the computer mailed the guy $200,00 in unmarked bills.

I saved money on my PC by buying it on a "Blue Light Special." Now I

realize PC stands for piece of crap.

What do you get when you cross an orchestra leader with a midget?

A semiconductor.

What does IBM stand for?

It's Better Manually.

"We're getting closer," said the guy from Research and Development. "This

computer writes like Picasso and paints like Shakespeare."

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MODULAR MARRIEDS

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Healey went to a doctor and explained that his wife was constantly nagging him about his vanishing potency. The doctor performed surgery, providing Healey with a computerized penile implant. A month later, Healey returned.

"The implant is terrific," he said. "I've been doing it six, seven times a night."

"Wonderful," replied the physician. "What does your wife say about your lovemaking now?"

"I don't know!" said Healey. "I haven't been home yet."

The newlyweds were undressing together for the first time in their hotel bedroom. The groom saw the bride looking at him appraisingly and, with an attempt at manly pride, puffed out his chest and beat on it saying, "A hundred and ninety pounds of solid mainframe."

"Yeah," said the bride, "with a little floppy disk!"

Why did the married computers get a divorce?

They kept getting Type Mismatch messages on their screens.

Woman with a child talking to another woman with a child.

"My Michael is bilingual. He also speaks Computerese."

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USER-FRIENDLY FUNNIES

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Barton, a New York bachelor living on West 79th Street, took his computer to a place on York Avenue that tadvertised twenty-four-hour service.

"When should I pick it up?" he asked.

"Next Thursday," said the man.

"A week from today?" snapped Barton. "I thought you said you had twenty-four-hour service."

"We do," said the repairman. "We work eight hours Monday, Eight hours Tuesday, and eight hours Wednesday."

Why won't computers ever replace newspapers?

Have you ever tried to swat a fly with a computer?

What do you call a monastic that works on integrated circuits?

A chipmonk.

What do you call a robot ape?

A chipanzee.

What do you get when you cross a computer with a blender?

A mixed solution.

What kind of PC does a woman carry in her purse?

A Compacqt.

What do you get when you cross a computer with a midget?

A short circuit.

Businessman with a new computer talking to his secretary:

"It does data processing, word processing, and list processing. Get me some dates, some words, and some lists."

How many software engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. That's a hardware problem.

What back problems do computers have?

Slipped disks.

What's a sure sign of old age in a computer?

Loss of memory.

How does a computer die?

It comes down with a terminal illness.

COMPUTER MOVIE

Love at First Byte.

BUMPER STICKER

Computer Operators Do It With Hard Drives

ODE TO THE COMPUTER

We shall have to design

Computers galore

Since each problem they solve

Creates ten million more.

The Dugans were having dinner.

"Remember the salesman who said I could learn to use the computer in two weeks?" asked the husband?

"Yes, Dear," said the wife.

"He got the bill wrong, too."

How many computer salesmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?

I'll get back to you.

When is a computer most ungrateful?

When it byte the hand that feeds it.

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CORPORATE CACKLES

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CONSULTANT

Someone who is called in at the last moment to share the blame.

A fellow had trouble with his head. A team of brain surgeons agreed to remove his brain, examine it, then put it back later. They performed the operation, but when they came to put his brain back, he wasn't there. The man had disappeared. A month later he returned to the happy doctors.

"Where have you been since we removed your brain?"

"I became a consultant at Hewlett-Packard."

LAMENT OF A SPEED FREAK

A trillionth of a second here, a trillionith of a second there. These

damned delays will kill you.

What's the difference between computers and the Titanic?

The Titanic had entertainment.

Have you noticed that there have been fewer office parties this year? Who wants to kiss a computer?

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PERIPHERAL PERSIFLAGE

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How do you make a computer laugh?

Tell it a programmer joke.

What sould you do with a computer that's a year old?

Wish it happy birthday.

Where are computer soldiers stationed?

In a Fortran.

An Apple a day may keep the doctor away, but not the IRS.

The average hacker is thirty-six around the chest, forty around the waist, ninety-eight around the golf course, and a nuisance around the house.

What do you call a transsexual nun?

A transsister.

MENU MOTTO

The program that never failed on your last computer will never run on your current computer.

What do you get when you cross a computer with an elephant?

A five-ton know-it-all.

*** This file courtesy of Barton's Trader BBS, Ann Arbor ***