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Hecklers At Princess Di's Funeral

The following report is taken from an exclusive interview with Constable Graham Garden who was in charge of � security at Diana's funeral.

by Phil Cranner --

The world was in shock at the death of Princess Di and many paid their respects by attending her funeral. �� More than 2 million people attended the funeral of princess death �� It was not unexpected that there was such a large showing of people.�� Head of London Security,� Graham Garden, actually expected many more to pay their respects� to the dead Princess ,and in preparation for such a grouping of people London needed everything to run as smoothly as possible , and not let wonder in the streets persons there to pay disrespect toward the much beloved Princess.

"The problems that arose from the crowd were not much antipated.�� My entire staff of officers were in agreement that the entire world loved the Princess as we did, and that little by the way of unruly behavior would occur," said Graham.�

"What was the major problem and how unexpected was it?"� I asked.

"The one thing I didnt expect, since it has become quite customary to the English people that it is seldom not done, particulary since it is so habit forming. . . Well,� I know the Americans are different when paying there regards to their country's icons. ��� Americans tend to cry and talk their pains away while the English are more calm and meditative while publically paying their dues."

"What exactly did some of the English people do that was so disrespectful?"� I asked.

"I first saw some young boys not listening to their fathers.�� This was the first sign. � I heard him tell his boys that the Princess when she died had her finger in her butt, so you better do the same.�� The problem was much worse than this first little event might have told me.�� Soon I noticed that many people did not have their finger up their ass, and these people were usually giggling to each other.�� It is one thing not to stick your finger up your ass, or to try to stick your entire fist up your ass, but to giggle when your finger is not in your ass is complete and unadulturated disrespect for someone who has done so much for their country."

"Did you have your finger up your ass?"�� I asked.

"I had two fingers up my ass, and I was fighting crime too, paying my respects twice over. �� It is very difficult when you are trying to control a crowd and then you discover you have to instuct people on the etiquettes of dead icon respect.� And then people would heckle me like i was a schoolmarm!�� But they did act just like children.��� One old man was arrested for not sticking his finger up his ass as an example to others.��� The Princess was lying in a coffin with one finger from each hand up her ass and others did not want to even stick a single finger up their ass.

"Didnt the old man say he had hemmorroids?�� And how did you make this arrest when you had your finger up your ass? "� I asked.

"Yes he did complain that he had hemmorroids but it turned out that this was entirely made up. � We then could charge him for an additional crime 'lying at a Royal funeral' which has very severe penalties."

". . .like forcing his mother in law's finger up his ass for 24 hours?"��

"Well, we are no longer barbarians and enforce such laws, so we only fined him, but we could have brought such a judgment upon him. . . And to answer your other question on how we could make such disciplinary arrests with our finger up our asses, we had hired a well trained group of fingerless men to help us keep order.�� Since they were only required to stick batons up their asses (out of respect for their handicap) they could use their palms and arms as bludgeons.�� Then after the assailant passed out, he could be carried in their arms while the rest of officers stood by and instructed others and yelled nasties at the assailant.�� It was a difficult event, this funeral, but i have seen worse. At one such funeral a man pulled a baton out of a fingerless officer's ass and started bludgoning him with it.� I can proudly say he is still in jail."

I was about to ask Graham what it was exactly that Princess has done for his Country, as he had mentioned in his interview.� But quite unexpectantly Graham ended his interview when a telephone call came though and informed him that his grandmother had just been sent to the hospital for stomach pains.

phil cranner is a regular contributing writer for Weiner Pooh @September 1997

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