by Ross "Rex" Rose
Rose: Mr. Clinton, how did it feel to find out you were accused of harassment? It has been suggested that you don't even know that harass is two words.
President.: Hoooeee . . . (snickers) . . . That's a good one, boy.
Rose: You're taking a rather glib attitude about this issue, Mr. President. Does this mean you expect Ms. Jones to accept the $700,000 settlement you offered her, and does this constitute an admission of guilt?
President: Well, you know son, being the President requires many responsibilities to the public. And Paula Jones has made herself public in many respects, and I have taken upon myself, being the concerned President that I am -- if I want to rank up there with Jefferson -- I have to take into consideration the needy such as Paula Jones. Needy? You ask. Yes sir, the girl needs mental help and my offer for settlement is a mere token of my understanding of such afflictions Everyone seems to want to believe this girl. I didn't tell her (cough) to cough when I stuck my finger in her butt. Now she got her finger in my butt, and I am going to take it like a Mother Teresa.
Rose: Excuse me, I dont quite follow you, sir.
President: NOOOO, Sir. I don't quite follow why either, so let's move on.
Rose: I dont want to move on
President: I do
Rose: I don't
President: But I do. . .
Rose: I don't
President: You are getting on my nerves, son. Let us be absolutely frank with each other, I . . .
Rose: And what if I don't wanna. I don't want to be frank; I want to be personal.. I am here to report the facts, Mr. President, and to get to know the person I am interviewing. Now another thing our readers want to know, and I think this is a burning question in your mind as well, The question concerns your place in history. I want you to keep this in mind for later, after we finish talking about Miss Jones.
President: I want to be frank
Rose: I don't want you to be frank sir, our readers want you to be personal.
PPresident: Can I ask you a question, Ross?
Rose: Sure, fire away.
President: Are you retarded?
(Silence)
President. I am sorry (laughs). I just think that when I say "frank" . . . let me see the transcript . . . yeah, frank, that I mean personal.
Rose: Well, sure, but don't you think that "frank" means something else to a President than it means to the public?
President: What do you mean?
Rose: Well, I mean what I say, when a President is "frank" he is actually feigning being personal. What I mean is that he is actually spitting out pre-practiced garbage.
President: (Holds up dictionary). I don't see in here where it says that a president's "frank" is different from anyone else's "frank." In fact, it says here that "frank" means being "open and forward."
Rose: Well, it is just a matter of opinion. You know like my opinion that you actually plugged that girl, what's her name . . . And now you are trying to hide the fact that you plugged her.
President: (Mouth Wide like a fish). I did not have intercourse with Paula Jones
Rose: Well, you did drop your pants in front of her. She saw your Presidential Seal, so to speak, sir.
President: What if I did? Does that make me less of a President.
Rose: I don't know, but it certainly made Paula Jones a celebrity. And look at her too. She is one ugly bit . . ..
President: (mouth still open). Hey wait a minute!! I . . .
Rose: You what?
President. I have never in my life been around such an insolent and idiotic person in my life. How do you expect me to open up to you if you are so ugly and disrespectful to the President of the United States? I bet you that no reporter was so disrespectful to Abe Lincoln or FDR.
Rose: You opened up by dropping your pants to someone uglier than me, so why can't you open up to me and I don't even ask you drop your pants?
President remains sitting with his mouth open.
Rose: Now, can you tell us what really happened in that hotel room?
President hits a button on a nearby phone.
Rose: Hold on a minute buddy. We want the truth, sir.
President: I can't talk to an idiot.
Rose: I will print those words if you don't . . .
President: (waives his hands) Keep your shirt on . . .
Rose: Keep your pants on.
President: I am going to hurt you real bad, boy. I ain't no green Yankee. I am an Ozark Beast.
Rose: What? Yeah, that must be why you don't like to
wear clothes.
Our discussion ended at this point and I was at first hesitant to bring you the entire interview. I finally decided to print this article in good faith --- good faith in our President, for no matter what age we live in, I think it can be said that we must never discriminate against any person for their beliefs and lifestyles no matter how extreme. This rule definitely applies to William Clinton, since his behavior probably approaches the average man's. If our President likes to expose himself to strangers, then so be it. Our society says to the President, "We understand, poor chap."
