The following is based on my own experiences. People express and receive love in different ways. I am, by my own admission, a hopeless romantic. If such a thing is possible, I am in love with being in love.

There is nothing else quite like it, and if you’ve experienced it , you know what I mean. Being in love is a patchwork of a thousand indescribable moments. Nervous energy runs through your body whenever you think of that special person, which is every waking minute. You loose interest in the dull chores of eating, sleeping, and thinking rationally. ( I know first hand about not thinking rationally). You discover that every love song on the radio was written for you. It seems that someone has removed blinders from your eyes, and you can see the world full of wonder and mystery and happiness. I love love. But I have come to realize that I don’t really know much about it. Oh, I can tell you about the warm and fuzzy side of love. I can throw myself into romance with all the passion of Romeo, but in God’s school of true love, I’m afraid I’m still in kindergarten.

Yes when it comes to affairs of the heart, I think many of us are still in kindergarten, as I have learned from my most recent relationship. The one thing I can say for sure is no matter how old you are, a broken heart is just as painful today as it was
in high school.

I recently received a call from some my best friends from Oregon, as I now live in Florida. “ How are you today, Fred?” they asked.
“Great!” I said. “I’ve never been better in my life. I have finally met the woman of my dreams and we may be getting married soon.”
“ You have” they said revealing their shock. “To whom and when?”
“ Mary Parks” ( not her real name) I exclaimed, “in December or sometime after the first of the year.”
“That’s exciting . How long have you been dating?”
“ About one month. I know it sounds crazy after all the people I’ve dated in the past five years. I can’t believe it myself, but I know Mary is the one for me. From the first date, I knew she was special, as I have never felt this way before. You know the woman I’ve dated and the struggles I’ve had. In every one of those dates something was not right. I never felt at peace about having a serious relationship with them, But I know Mary is the one. I know its crazy , but I’ve never been so happy in my life.”

Let’s stop here. What has happened to me? Have I really fallen in love? In my mind Mary is the most wonderful woman I’ve ever met. She is perfect in every way. She will make an ideal wife. I think about her night and day. I think I’m in love.

Most of us enter marriage by way of the “in love” experience. We meet someone whose physical characteristics and personality traits create enough electrical shock to trigger our “love alert” system. The bells go off, and we set in motion the process of getting to know the person. The first step may be sharing a pork chop, hamburger or steak, depending on our budget, but our real interest is not in the food. We are on a quest to discover love. Could this warm, tingly feeling I have inside
be the real thing?

Sometimes we lose those tingles shortly after a couple of dates. We find out that she smokes, dips snuff, or is extremely moody and the tingles run right out our toes; we want no more pork chops with her. Other times, however, as was my case, the tingles are stronger after the pork chops than before. We arrange for a few more together experiences and before long the level of intensity has increased to the point where we find ourselves saying. “ I think I’m falling in love.” Eventually, we are convinced that it is the real thing, and we tell the other person, hoping the feeling is reciprocal. If it isn’t, things cool off a bit or we redouble our efforts to impress, and eventually win the love of our beloved. When its reciprocal, we start talking about marriage because everyone agrees that being “in love” is the necessary foundation for a good marriage.

At is peak, the “in love” experience is euphoric. We are emotionally obsessed with each other. We go to sleep thinking of one another. When we rise that person is the first thought on our minds. We long to be together. Spending time together is like being in heaven. When we hold hands, it seems as if our blood flows together. We could kiss forever if we didn’t have to go the work. Embracing stimulates dreams of marriage and ecstasy.

The person who is in love has the illusion that his beloved is perfect. My friends and family could see the flaws, but I couldn’t.
“Why do you let her treat you like that? Doesn’t it bother you that she is extremely moody, and shows no appreciation for the things you do for her? Oh please, give me a break, she always calls to apologize and thanks me later for being so understanding.

Eventually, however, we all descend from the clouds and plant our feet on earth again. Our eyes are opened, and we see the warts of the other person. We recognize that some of their traits are actually irritating. Her behavior patterns are annoying. She has the capacity for hurt an anger, perhaps even harsh words and critical judgments. Those little traits that I overlooked when I was in love now become huge mountains. I remember my family’s and friends words and ask myself, “How could I have been so foolish?

The lesson I learned here is that real love is emotional in nature, not obsess ional. It is a kind of love that unites reason and emotion. It involves an act of will and requires discipline, and it recognizes a need for personal growth. I’ve learned that my most basic emotional need is not to fall in love, but to be genuinely loved by another, to know a love that grows out of reason and choice, not instinct. I need to be loved by someone who chooses to love me, who sees in me something worth loving.

Fred Weeks
July 25, 2000