Christmas Eve, 1956 sees a little 9 year old boy frantically clutching the hand of his dying Mother. His life has just been shattered. She lies there staring blankly up at him, amidst the wreckage of a crane that had just fallen from the top of tower block and killed her.
Little did this small child realise that this was just the beginning of a 40 year nightmare. It gave him the determination to reach the highest position in the Armed Services, receiving recognition from Her Majesty the Queen. In civilian life, he also climbed to the top of the ladder and achieved success in an industry that was dogged by failure.
Then, in just seven days, his entire life turns upside down. For the first time ever he realises that he has been living a lie. Everything was artificial, hidden beneath an external veneer that provided respectability, but beneath was the depths of depravity and degradation.
This is the story of one man's life, totally ruined whilst in childhood. A man, who at 52 has to go back to his childhood and uncover the mystery that had eventually wrecked his life.
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JOHNS STORY
From the age of 9 until 15 I suffered every possible type of abuse, emotional, physical and sexual. After losing my Mother, I was sent to live with strangers that I had met only once before, miles away from my home town. The two strangers were both Paedophiles and introduced me to the extremes of physical abuse for their own sexual gratification. Friday night became a whipping and beating extravaganza, culminating in sexual gratification for the woman.
After 18 long months, my sad plight was realised, and under the threat of police involvement, my Father returned me back to my home town to live with him. He had remarried and was living with a second wife. This relationship had already broken down and on numerous occasions, I had to witness him severely beating his wife. On two occasions this sad woman tried to commit suicide, once by gassing herself and the other time by slashing her wrists, each time I found her and had to take remedial action - I was by now only 12.
Unfortunately, the second wife had a 21 year old son who as well as being mentally disturbed took delight in forced homosexual acts, regularly tying me to a bed and then raping me. This became the daily normal and progressed into a variety of acts of torture and humiliation that in my confused mind I had accepted because of the need for love and attention. The ironic twist to this sad plight is that at the end of each session he put his arms round me and comforted me, telling me that he was the only one that truly loved me. I went from hating the proceeds to needing it - purely for the love element alone.
At the age of 15 years old I joined the Armed Forces but by this time, my mind was so confused and twisted that I could do little to identify what was right and wrong, normal or abnormal. My Father had continually rejected me throughout my childhood, not wanting me with him and always telling me that I would be useless and be able to make nothing of my life.
Without realising the affect of childhood abuse, I continually tried to prove to my Father that I could make something of my life and was so desperate for him once to say that he loved me. However, the physical and sexual abuse had been firmly impregnated into my subconscious. Even after marriage I had to initially find women that would inflict physical pain or humiliation on me, soon this was insufficient and I had to find men who would do the same and take me to extreme levels. In my confused mind, I still felt that this was normal and that I was doing nothing to endanger my marriage.
Extra marital relationships were now becoming the normal in the continual strife to find the missing love from my childhood. Little did I realise the damage it was causing to my own wife and family. On the outside, I was the epitome of respectability. A successful military and business career, achieving the ultimate success in everything I had done. However, inside - I was just a terribly mixed up and confused little boy, desperate to release all of the hate, anger, fear and sadness of my young life.
Fortunately, I found Natasha Walker and was introduced to Release therapy. The first time I visited her I was literally days away from taking my own life, no job, no prospects and a failed marriage. Now through many weeks of pain and with Natasha's help, I have been able to reclaim my own life. I am back on the road to recovery and know that this therapy has been my savior.
My narrative has been written to make people aware that when you reach the absolute depths of despair, there is still hope. Release therapy can help you - I know - I am that man that has been saved.
JOHN
