Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically
 forward your call to her real number.
 
 Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable
 response to "I love you."
 
 Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.
 
 When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the
 game, she would appear in a little box in the corner of the screen
 during a time-out.
 
 Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a
 "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it.
 
 Birth control would come in ale or lager
 
 Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL
 team of your choice.
 
 The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
 
 "Sorry I'm late, but I got hammered last night" would be an
 acceptable excuse for tardiness.
 
 At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump
 out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right
 into your car.
 
 It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on
 horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.
 
 Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the
 "public ugliness" ordinance.
 
 Tanks would be far easier to rent.
 
 Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."
 
 Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your
 wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"
 
 Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only
 occur in leap years.
 
 On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to
 go drinking. Mother's Day, too. St. Patrick's Day, however, would
 remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.
 
 Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to
 the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.
 
 Two words: Ally McNaked.
 
 Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off
 the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view
 event in world history.
 
 The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night
 Football from a Different Camera Angle.
 
 It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you
 returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.
 
 When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you
 responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in: Cop: "You
 know how fast you were going?" You: "All I know is, I was spilling
 my beer all over the place."
 Cop: "Nice one. That's $10 off."
 
 Faucets would run "Hot," "Cold," and "100 proof."
 
 Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of
 conversation.