Thirty ways to get electric power from hamsters


  1. Stick copper and zinc electrodes in opposite ends of hamster. Use in series for higher voltage.
  2. Go to Radio Shack and offer them a hamster in exchange for two AA batteries.
  3. Attach the hamster with string to a hand-crank generator and drop it onto a trampoline.
  4. Ignite in large numbers and use heat released to drive steam turbines.
  5. Kidnap and threaten to torture. Extort ransom from animal-rights activists an other anti-cruelty types. Demand payment in the form of electric current.
  6. Drop large numbers into a tar pit, wait a few million years, then drill for oil at same location to run turbine.
  7. Cold fusion. Steam turbine. No explanation necessary.
  8. Any form of neutron capture or beta emission.
  9. Convince hamsters they're really lemmings. Show cliff to hamsters. Install turbine halfway down cliff.
  10. Put hamster on electricity-generating treadmill. Feed back small portion of electricity back into hamster brain pleasure center. Watch him generate his little heart out!
  11. Seal large quantities on hamsters in air tight holding tanks. Add water. Allow suitable time to pass for decomposition. Collect methane gas resulting. Put gas in fuel cells.
  12. Skin hamster. Melt animal fat into tallow and then form candles. Heat a steam turbine.
  13. Accumulate enough hamsters fo that the self-gravitional fove causes the mass to shrink and heat up. Use thermocouples to generate energy.
  14. Raid electric utilities corporate headquarters. Threaten to drop hamster down CEO's pants unless he gives you a power plant.
  15. Get several dozen hamsters. Shoot them up with crystal meth. Attach a generator to exercise wheel.
  16. Combine a hamster with an equal amount of antimatter -- an antihamster. When the two annhiliate each other, harness the massive energy release...
  17. Find a good genetic engineer. Splice appropriate genes from electric eels into hamsters, because they're smaller and cuter and, well, hamsters. Surgically install electrodes. Periodically drain off voltage. (DC current only.)
  18. Mail the electric company a dead hamster every day until they give you power for free.
  19. Crossbreed hamster with Mothra and use resulting giant mutant lightning-breathing hamster as power source.
  20. Give the hamster to Scotty. He'll find some way to yield 20% more power from the little bugger.
  21. Take thousands of hamsters into orbit. When the orbit decays, they will heat up the atmosphere. With enough hamsters, you could raise the planet's temperature as much as you wanted. Cue turbines.
  22. Em mass enormous quantities of hamsters until it reaches enough mass to begin hamster fusion at the core. Use resulting newborn sun in combination with solar cells.
  23. Throw in more hamsters (see above) until the hamster star goes super hamster nova. You couldn't want any more energy than that.
  24. Repeat above with a second mass of hamsters. Spin the resulting neutron hamster stars around each other in a binary orbit. Use gravity waves to run turbine.
  25. Take five or six hits of acid. Tell yourself very firmly that hamsters are electricity. Aquire hamsters.
  26. Give them little magnetic collars and run them through a maze of coiled wire.
  27. Shave several hundered hamsters. Weave hair into a coat and sell. Sell nude hamsters to museums as "naked mole rats". Use money to buy electricity. When the hamsters start to grow hair again, tell the museum people that you have a very special treatment for sale that will cure them. Shave them again and make another coat. Repeat as necessary.
  28. Drop single unfortunate hamster into black hole. Use photovoltaics to release radiated energy.
  29. Put female hamster scent on glass rod. Release male hamster. He will try to rub his furry coat against the glass rod. (Static electricity only.)
  30. (More static electricity.) Run hamster through several cycles of the clothes dryer. Do not use a Bounce sheet.


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