Never switch your cellphone off at meetings  - the people you want to impress may be your biggest future ex-customers. Your boss is certain to be impressed with your indifferent attitude to the subject of the meeting.

Do talk as loudly as possible when someone phones you in a restaurant - a comedy act is always welcome.

Discuss only the most intimate and private subjects out loud in public, all your unwilling listeners will enjoy disparaging your intelligence.

Make sure your cellphone is displayed on your hip at the mall or you won't be able to impress teenyboppers. Remember to walk with your hip thrust forward. At best people will think you are related to a crab and not simply idiotic.

Prove that fools venture where angels fear to tread - take your cell to church and leave it switched on.  Funerals are best.

Make sure that you switch on immediately you land at an airport and be certain to be talking  (even if it's a dummy conversation)  as you disembark off your plane; all of your unwilling audience will no doubt be convinced of your importance, not to mention your idiocy.

The doctors office is a good place to take calls - it gives your doctor a chance to be irritated and charge you more for his time, whether he is busy treating you or not. It also interferes with any electronic equipment, so he will mis-diagnose and treat you for leprosy instead of brain damage.

Exclusively for ladies: you can contribute greatly to negating the population explosion and proving the theory of "survival of the fittest" by talking whilst driving your car. Graduating summa cum laude in these catagories would involve doing so in very heavy morning traffic.

And finally, for men carrying briefcases and ladies with cavernous bags who make sure their cellphones are handheld and on display - get a life!