A guy gets married but is a virgin and needs help with technique. He gets a friend to tag along and rent a room that connects via the bathroom. He figures he can pretend that nature called and go get advice at any time. As soon as he and his wife get started, he becomes confused and rushes to the bathroom. While he's in there, his new bride discovers that she needs to take a dump badly. She finds a shoebox and squats down and takes care of business. As she finishes, he starts to come out so she turns out the lights and jumps into bed. As he walks across the room, he steps in it and screams, "Oh man, this box is full of shit!" His buddy yells out from the bathroom, "turn 'er over Fred, turn 'er over".
A mean tight Cavan farmer goes into the offices of his local newspaper to place an obituary for his just recently deceased wife. Being a mean Cavan bastard he has only 3 quid on him for the obituary to his wife. He checks with the girl at the counter what the price is for such an add. 1 quid per word mister she replies. But I've only got 3 quid on me he replies. Well you can only have 3 words so. What 3 words would you like? The mean Cavan Bas***d thinks for a minute and replies "Mary Clarke died". He pleads with her if she can bend the rules and allow him more words. The girl being sympathetic decides to check with the boss if they can do anything for the poor farmer . Rules are rules replies the boss, 1quid per word. The girl returns to the mean Cavan Bas***d with the news. He pleads with her again stating the he has only 3 quid. She realises that a 3 word obituary would be a laughing stock for the newspapers reputation and so agrees to plead with the boss again. He finally agrees to help out the farmer and so says that he can have 6 words for the 3 quid. The girl happily returns to the mean Cavan Bas***d with the good news and asks him what 6 words would he like. The mean Cavan Bas***d thinks for a minute and replies "Mary Clarke died, hay for sale"
A Frenchwoman took her little daughter to the Louvre where they saw a statue of a nude male. "What is that?" asked the child pointing to the penis. "Nothing, nothing at all, Cherie," replied the mother. "I want one," said the child. The mother tried to focus her daughter's attention on a more suitable subject, but the little girl persisted. "I want one just like that," she kept repeating. At last the mother said, "If you are a good girl and stop thinking about it now, when you grow up, you will have one." "And if I'm bad?" asked the little one. "Then," sighed the mother, "You will have many."