A FEW THINGS TO KEEP YOU ENTERTAINED
Funny Bumper Stickers ...
Horn broken. Watch for finger.
Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.
All generalizations are false.
Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
I brake for no apparent reason.
Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control.
I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
Forget about World Peace ... Visualize using your turning signal.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.
Change is inevitable, except from the vending machine.
Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
I love cats ... they taste just like chicken.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Forget the Joneses, I keep up with the Simpsons.
Born free ... Taxed to death.
The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
Rehab is for quitters.
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let him sleep.
All men are idiots, and I married their King.
Jack Kevorkian for White House physician.
Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
Montana -- At least our cows are sane!
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
If you don't like the news, go out and make some.
When you do a good deed, get a receipt -- in case heaven is like the IRS.
Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
No radio - already stolen.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?
Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it.
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.
Tell me to 'stuff it' - I'm a taxidermist.
IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.
Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
Reality? Is that where the pizza delivery guy comes from?
How can I miss you if you won't go away?
Warning: Dates in calendars are closer than they appear.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Very funny Mr. Scott, now beam down my clothes.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
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Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder ...
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't
Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?
Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
What your car says about you ...
Acura Integra - I have always wanted to own the Buick of sports cars.
Acura Legend - I'm too bland for German cars.
Acura NSX - I am impotent!
Audi 90 - I enjoy putting out engine fires.
Buick Park Avenue - I am older than 34 of the 50 states.
Cadillac Eldorado - I am a very good Mary Kay salesman
Cadillac Seville - I am a pimp.
Chevrolet Camaro - I enjoy beating the hell out of people
Chevrolet Chevette - I like seeing people's reactions when I tell them I have a
'Vette
Chevrolet Corvette - I'm in a mid-life crisis.
Chrylser Cordoba - I dig the rich Corinthian leather.
Datsun 280Z - I have a kilo of cocaine in my wheel well.
Dodge Dart - I teach third grade special education and I voted for Eisenhower
Dodge Daytona - I delivered pizza for four years to get this car
Dodge Ram Van - I am a Mormon.
Ford Fairmont - (See Dodge Dart)
Ford Mustang - I slow down to 85 in school zones.
Ford Crown Victoria - I enjoy having people slow to 55mph and change lanes when
I pull up behind them
Ford Van with Van Pool on the side - I am a Mormon polygamist
Geo Storm - I will start the 11th grade in the fall
Geo Tracker - I will start 12th grade in the fall.
Honda del Sol - I have always said, half a convertible is better than no
convertible at all.
Honda Civic - I have just graduated and have no credit
Honda Accord - I lack any originality and am basically a lemming
Infiniti Q45 - I am a physician with 17 malpractice suits pending
Isuzu Impulse - I do not give a damn about J.D. Power or his reports
Jaguar XJ6 - I am so rich I will pay 60K for a car that is in the shop 280 days
of the year.
Kia Sephia - I learned nothing from the failure of Daihatsu Corp
Lamborghini Countach - I only have one testicle
Lincoln Town Car - I live for bingo and covered dish suppers
Mercury Grand Marquis - (see above)
Mercedes 500SL - I will beat you up if you ask me for an autograph
Mercedes 560SEL - I have a daughter named Bitsy and a son named Cole
Mazda Miata - I do not fear being decapitated by an eighteen-wheeler
MGB - I am dating a mechanic
Mitsubishi Diamante - I don't know what it means either
Nissan 300ZX - I have yet to complete my divorce proceedings
Oldsmobile Cutlass - I just stole this car and I'm going to make a fortune off
the parts
Peugeot 505 Diesel - I am on the EPA's Ten Most Wanted List
Plymouth Neon - I sincerely enjoy doing the Macarena.
Pontiac Trans Am - I have a switchblade in my sock
Porsche 911 Turbo - I have a three inch thingie
Porsche 944 - I am dating big haired women that otherwise would be inaccessible
to me
Saturn SC2 - (See Honda Civic)
Subaru Legacy - I have always wanted a Japanese car even more inferior than
Isuzu
Toyota Camry - I am still in the closet
Triumph TR-6 - I am a mechanic
Volkswagon Beetle - I still watch Partridge Family reruns
Volkswagon Cabriolet - I am out of the closet
Volkswagon Microbus - I am tripping right now
The Rules of Bedroom Golf
Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play - normally one club, two
balls.
Play on a course must be approved by the owners of the hole.
Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the
balls out of the hole.
For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft; course owners are
permitted to check stiffness before play begins.
Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the club to avoid
damage to hole.
The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary unitl the course
owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being
denied permission to play the course again.
It is considered bad form to begin playing hole immediately upon arrival at the
course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire
course, with special attention to well formed bunkers.
Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are
currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners
have been known to damage a player's equipment for this reason.
Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along, just in case.
Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled,
particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous
players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else has been
playing what they consider to be a private course.
Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some
players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under
repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More
advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.
Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before attempting
the back nine.
Slow play is encouraged, however, players should be prepared to proceed at a
quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owner's request.
It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole
several times in one match.
The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player.
Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a given
course. Additional assessments may be levied by the course owner and the rules
are subject to change. For this reason, many players prefer to continue to play
several different courses.