Dating Tips

Greetings young squires, I know you long for that unearthly pleasure that can only be found from a good woman... or perhaps you're just looking to pitch the tent for a night of hot action. Whatever your desire may be, I have lived through many hills and valleys, mountains and chasms, down the road that is love and allow me to offer you several essential tips I have learned from the mistakes of others and my own successes.

Layne's rules of dating.

Always offer to pay... ALWAYS. If she doesn't like it she'll let you know and still think you're a sweet guy. Oh, and women can always tell the boys from the men by the restaurants they choose. For example: a romp through the wine list at Chamberlain's may get you some if it's followed up with something incredibly sweet (full of chocolate) and a walk under the stars along the beach back to your apartment. Getting your older brother to drop you off (or even worse TAKING THE BUS!!!!) to the Burger Boy and frantically searching your pockets for loose change while the pimple-faced squid across the counter gets fresh with your date is never a good idea.
When they say they want to go home... take them home and don't beg them to stay. When a date's over, it's over. Don't complain, beg, or force yourself on them. If they don't like you and you nicely drive them home all will be forgiven and forgotten. If you refuse and make an ass of yourself they'll tell all their friends and everyone else they know and if you have absolutely no control over yourself, you could end up in some place much worse than dumpsville... ie. JAIL!!!!!!
If you can't tell what they want don't do anything. Girls have a habit of saying if they want something. Or sometimes they'll even try to show you. J Hey! Hey! Of course you must try to create a warm, romantic atmosphere but if they're yawning and staring into space at your greatest efforts, chances are it wasn't meant to be. Drop the you know what off at home and get out to a club while the night is still young. You owe it to yourself. The kind of girls who are never satisfied are definitely bad customers.
Suppose you're the kind of guy who wants to style that sweetheart next door but you just don't know what she thinks of you and you don't want to make an ass of yourself trying to win her over. GOOD CHOICE! There is one thing to look for here and it sounds bad but every guy with a brain eventually figures it out. If you're not mega-rich or a beefcake super-model, your only chance to get a girl is if you have something she needs. If she's depressed she needs someone to cheer her up and make her feel like she's worth something. If she needs to learn something to move ahead in her life or her job, you're the man if you're an expert on the particular subject in question and be sure to advertise your skills. If you have what she needs, show it off and she'll be drawn to you like a magnet. Of course, after she's learned whatever she wants you're finished, but if you got what you wanted out of the deal (I think you know what I mean) everyone wins. J
Never ask her friends about her; they are against you because no one is good enough for their friend except some guy on TV who doesn't exist in real life. They will ask you questions which may seem innocent but are really a trap... you must answer in calm, nonchalant, simple sylable tones. For example if they ask "Did you know that Jen was over with Tommy her ex-boyfriend last night while you were sick in bed?" You can't get excited and you can't ask questions. This is the kind of thing you get your guy friends to help you out with (ie. A severe beating for that little freak!). Your answer would be "mmm... whatever" (followed by you immediately evacuating the area before they draw too many harmful conclusions about you).
This one is very important and cannot be stressed enough. Regardless of your lifestyle, clothing choices, and the state of your hair: you have got to be clean and smell nice. Check for dirt under the finger nails and protruding nose hairs. An incredible date requires you to wash yourself off not just once in the shower but twice. The cologne you bought for ten dollars that "smells just like the real thing" won't do. Smell is a HUGE part of any initial attraction (some scientists argue that it is even more important than looks or observable personality). Although every girl has different tastes, you can't go wrong with relatively expensive, middle of the road brands. CK, Eddie Bauer, Tommy or even some "Cool Water" by Gillette. Make sure to leave the Spanish Fly and "Fruity" smells at home. Also, when applying cologne make sure it just barely covers up the smell of anything else. Keep putting a tiny bit on just until cologne is the only thing you can smell on yourself but not in the house.
Bar flys may sometimes make good lovers but they do NOT make good girlfriends. You can pick up a girl at the bar and spend the night (that's not a date), don't call the next day and don't go out with her again. If they're really into you, you can always pick them up again when you're looking to score but don't let them take your heart. That's BAD MOJO!!!!
Never call after a date, always call the next day around noonish. Obviously if the date was terrible or you don't like her you shouldn't call. If you're not sure however, call and make another date in about a week or so. Sometimes it takes a little while to get the sparks to fly. If she's not interested she'll make up some lame excuse, or get one of her friends to tell you but you won't look desperate as all guys are expected to call the next day if the date did not end in a fully understood and final conclusion.
Don't always go to the same place or same type of place. Girls want spontaneity and you can pretend to be spontaneous even if you aren't. Suddenly turn the car around and go somewhere else, tell her you changed your mind and want to go somewhere different. Or don't tell her where you're going at all. If you really trust each other, sometimes blindfolding her for an entire date or until she rips the thing off can be great fun as cheesy as it sounds. You can get her to do it to you the next time around. Of course, don't tie her up or force her to wear a blindfold. Obviously this type of date isn't first date material.
Finally, some men don't but all men should know the general rules of dating. Although there are always exceptions these are generally the stages on a woman's mind as the dating scene progresses.

#1. The first date -- talking, light chat, observe more closely. Don't talk about yourself unless she asks and make sure not to drone on and DO NOT talk about past relationships even if she asks and tells you about hers. Make sure to ask lots of lame questions but nothing too personal. Sometimes the regular cheese works: What are you taking in college? What do you want to do after college? Do you have a big family? Have you been to a good movie lately? Sometimes it doesn't and you have to be a bit more creative. Many girls have a rule never to kiss on the first date. If she kisses you, it's a very good sign. If she goes further it's a good sign or a bad sign depending on what you're looking for. Remember not to try and kiss her on the first date, is she wants to, she will or else she'll wait for you to make the move another night.

#2. Dates 2-10. Sometimes it takes longer but this is a stage where she wants to evaluate you and see how compatible you are. The questions get tougher and the dates get longer or shorter depending on how you do. She may be thinking about being exclusive but remember: if you've gone out a couple of times and haven't gotten any nookie, don't despair.

#3. After ten dates, you're either closer to being just friends or you're now officially her boo whether you like it or not. The lovin' should appear to be just around the corner if the two of you haven't broken it off. By now you should also know just what kind of girl she is. If you're not getting what you want, you can talk about it or you can break it off. She starts to think you're committed (even if you've been seeing several others and she doesn't know about them) in which case you better come clean fast! J This is as far as any "dating" relationship goes before it turns into something else.

Good luck you young bucks... you're gonna need it. Take care.