During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

• 54 times the sheets were clean
• 17 times it was too late
• 49 times you were too tired
• 20 times it was too hot
• 15 times you pretended to be asleep
• 22 times you had a headache
• 17 times you were afraid of waking hte baby
• 16 times you said you were too sore
• 12 times it was the wrong time of the month
• 19 times you had to get up early
• 9 times you said you weren't in the mood
• 7 times you were sunburned
• 6 times you were watching the late show
• 5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo
• 3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
• 9 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:

• 6 times you just laid there
• 8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling
• 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
• 7 times I had to wake you and tell you I was finished
• 1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move

TO MY DEAR BOYFRIEND

I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:

• 5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
• 36 times you did not come home at all
• 21 times you didn't cum
• 33 times you came too soon
• 19 times you went soft before you got in
• 38 times you worked too late
• 10 times you got cramps in your toes
• 29 times you had to get up early to play golf
• 2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
• 4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
• 3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
• 2 times you had a splinter in your finger
• 20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
• 6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
• 98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, etc on TV

Of the times we did get together, the reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets. I wasn't talking about the crask in the ceiling, what I said was, "would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?" The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.