angelia jokes

aSs cHXicXInG joKEs

Phuuuutttttttt!!!!!!! An Old Lady's Embarrassing Problem

An old lady came into her doctor's office and confessed to an embarrassing problem:

"I fart all the time, Dr. Johnson, but they're silent, and they have no odor. In fact, since I've been here, I've farted no less than twenty times. What can I do?"

"Here's a prescription, Mrs. Barker. Take these pills three times a day for seven days. Then come back to see me in a week."

The next week, an upset Mrs. Barker marched into Dr. Johnson's office: "Doctor, I don't know what was in those pills, but the problem in now much worse. I'm farting just as much, and they're still silent, but now they smell terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?"

"Calm down, Mrs. Barker," replied the doctor soothingly. "Now that we've fixed your sinuses, we can begin to work on your hearing!!"

Ways to reject pick-up lines 1.) Man: "Haven't we met before?"

Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic."

2.) Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?"

Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

3.) Man: "I'd really like to get into your pants."

Woman: "No thanks. There's already one asshole in there."

4.) The most memorable rebuttal to a turn down when he asked a girl to dance and she refused: Man:

"Want to Dance?"

Woman: "No, thank you."

Man: "Don't thank me, thank God somebody asked you."

5.) Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"

Woman: "It's in the phone book."

Man: "But I don't know your name."

Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

6.) Man: "So what do you do for a living?"

Woman: "Female impersonator."

7.) And here's one including the correct snappy return:

Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"

Woman: "Unfertilized, screw off!"

8.) A young woman had a graying man in his 60's approach her in a club while she was in college with the line, "Where have you been all my life?" She took one glance at him and said, "For the first half of it, I probably wasn't born yet."

9.) A man came up with a very quick response while on vacation. He was walking down the street and glanced at a girl who had just walked by. She turned around and said, "What are you looking at?" He said, "I'm sorry. I thought you were good looking. But I was mistaken."

10.) While at college, a few friends were discussing how their "passes" had been rejected by the intended female receiver. One of the ladies explained how she handled it. When the guy, obviously getting irritated, blurted out something like, "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason!" She responded, "Yea! Let's pick up some chicks!" He immediately blanched, and decided that maybe he would look someplace else. 11.) "Sorry, I don't date outside my species."

From Eggs to chooks!!!

Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road? Fox Mulder: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?

Moses: And God came down from the heavens, and he said unto the Chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the Chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

Richard M. Nixon: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did *not* cross the road

Jerry Seinfeld: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this *chicken* doing walking around all over the place anyway?"

Louis Farrakhan: The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.

Freud: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

Bill Gates: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but it will lay eggs, file your important documents AND balance your checkbook. Unfortunately, when it divides 3 by 2 it gets 1.4999999999.

Oliver Stone: The question is not "Why did the chicken cross the road?" But is rather "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"

Darwin: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically dispositioned to cross roads.

Martin Luther King, Jr.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

Grandpa: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken had crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

Machiavelli: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.

Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

Buddha: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.

Ralph Waldo Emerson: The chicken did not cross the road -- it transcended it. Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.

Colonel Harlan Sanders: I missed one?

HAIR TRANSPLANT =================

A bald man took a seat in a beauty shop. "How can I help you?" asked the stylist. "I went for a hair transplant,"the guy explained,"but I couldn't stand the pain. If you can make my hair look like yours without causing me any discomfort, I'll pay you $5000." "No problem," said the stylist, and she quickly shaved her head.

Miscellaneous +++++++++++++

In a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite of her old age, she was still a virgin. She was very proud of it. She knew her last days were getting closer, so she told the local undertaker that she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone:

"Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin"

Not long after, the old maid died peacefully, and the undertaker told his men what the lady had said. The men went to carve it in, but as the lazy no goods they were, they thought the inscription to be unnecessarily long. They simply wrote:

"Returned unopened"

Attitude!!!!!!

ATTITUDE IS EVERYTHING.........By Francie Baltazar-Schwartz Jerry was the kind of guy you love to hate. He was always in a good mood and always had something positive to say.

When someone ask him how he was doing, he would reply, "If I were any better, I would be twins!" He was a unique manager because he had several waiters who had followed him around from restaurant to restaurant. The reason the waiters followed Jerry was because of his attitude. He was a natural motivator. If an employee was having a bad day, Jerry was there telling the employee how to look on the positive side of the situation.

Seeing this style really made me curious, so one day I went up to Jerry and asked him, "I don't get it! You can't be a positive person all of the time. How do you do it?" Jerry replied, "Each morning I wake up and say to myself, Jerry, you have two choices today. You can choose to be in a good mood or you can choose to be in a bad mood.'

I choose to be in a good mood. Each time something bad happens, I can choose to be a victim or I can choose to learn from it. I choose to learn from it. Every time someone comes to me complaining, I can choose to accept their complaining or I can point out the positive side of life. I choose the positive side of life." "Yeah, right, it's not that easy," I protested. "Yes it is," Jerry said. "Life is all about choices.

When you cut away all the junk, every situation is a choice. You choose how you react to situations. You choose how people will affect your mood. You choose to be in a good or bad mood. The bottom line: It's your choice how you live life." I reflected on what Jerry said. Soon thereafter, I left the restaurant industry to start my own business. We lost touch, but I often thought about him when I made a choice about life instead of reacting to it. Several years later, I heard that Jerry did something you are never supposed to do in a restaurant business: he left the back door open One morning and was held up at gunpoint by three armed robbers.

While trying to open the safe, his hand, shaking from nervousness, slipped off the combination. The robbers panicked and shot him. Luckily, Jerry was found relatively quickly and rushed to the local trauma center. After 18 hours of surgery and weeks of intensive care, Jerry was released from the hospital with fragments of the bullets still in his body. I saw Jerry about six months after the accident. When I asked him how he was, he replied, "If I were any better, I'd be twins. Wanna see my scars?" I declined to see his wounds, but did ask him what had gone through his mind as the robbery took place.

"The first thing that went through my mind was that I should have locked the back door," Jerry replied. "Then, as I lay on the floor, I remembered that I had two choices: I could choose to live, or I could choose to die. I chose to live." "Weren't you scared? Did you lose consciousness?" I asked. Jerry continued, "The paramedics were great. They kept telling me I was going to be fine. But when they wheeled me into the emergency room and I saw the expressions on the faces of the doctors and nurses, I got really scared. In their eyes, I read, 'He's a dead man.' I knew I needed to take action." "What did you do?" I asked. "Well, there was a big, burly nurse shouting questions at me," said Jerry.

"She asked if I was allergic to anything.

'Yes,' I replied. The doctors and nurses stopped working as they waited for my reply.. I took a deep breath and yelled, 'Bullets!' Over their laughter, I told them, 'I am choosing to live. Operate on me as if I am alive, not dead." Jerry lived thanks to the skill of his doctors, but also because of his amazing attitude. I learned from him that every day we have the choice to live fully. Attitude, after all, is everything. U have 2 choices now: 1. save and delete this mail from ur mail box. 2. forward it ur dear ones and choose choice 1. Hope, you will choose choice 2.

The Man's Guide to What a Woman is Really Saying...

You want = You want.

We need = I want.

It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.

Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.

We need to talk = I need to complain.

Sure ... go ahead = I don't want you to.

I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!

You're so ... manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.

You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever thinkabout?

I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = I'm on my period.

Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.

This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.

I want new curtains = and carpeting, furniture, wallpaper...

I need wedding shoes = the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white.

Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!

I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.

Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.

How much do you love me? = I did something you're really not going to like.

I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.

Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful!

You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.

Are you listening to me!? = Too late, you're dead.

Yes = No.

No = No.

Maybe = No.

I'm sorry = You'll be sorry.

Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix so you'd better get used to it.

Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.

I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.

All we're going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that we're stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few new pocket books, and those pink sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?

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The Woman's Guide to What a Man is Really Saying...

I'm hungry = I'm hungry.

I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy. I'm tired = I'm tired.

Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

Nice dress! = Nice cleavage!

You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you.

What's wrong? = I don't see why you're making such a big deal out of this.

What's wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?

What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.

I'm bored. = Do you want to have sex?

I love you. = Let's have sex now.

I love you, too. = Okay, I said it ... we'd better have sex now!

Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = I liked it better before.

Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = $50 and it doesn't look any different!

Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.

Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.

(While shopping) I like that one better = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!

I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well together = I'm gay.

Joke 1 : Fishy Business ===================

There was a man who liked rare fishes. One day he caught a very rare and colourful and beautiful fish in Hawaii while on vacation. He brought the fish back to Malaysia and started rearing it in an aquarium. But he could not stop worrying day and night, in the office and at home - because the fish is a rare one and could die. He was seriously worried. So, he consulted a friend. His friend jokingly said "If you want the fish to survive the in our environment, you must Teach the fish how to survive! Especially on Land! Ha!".

But our friend took those words seriously. He devised a great plan. He took the fish out from the aquarium for a split second and put it back, the fish was still alive! Every day he took the fish out from the aquarium for 1 second and put it back. After one week, he extended the time to 2 seconds, and so on.

Soon the fish could stay alive without water for 1 hour, 2 hours...7 hours. Then one day he thought, "I can bring the fish to the office! Then I don't have to worry in the office!!". He was happy. Next morning, he put the fish in his briefcase and drove to the office. By 6pm, he quickly drove home and put the fish back into the aquarium - it was STILL alive! He was really very happy now. He thought, "Now i can stop worrying and have good sleep every night!". He went to bed early that night and slept sweetly that night. The next morning, he woke up and found that the fish had died! It drowned in the aquarium.

Joke 2 =====

A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. She fumed for a few stops & started getting really worked up. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong. "The bus driver insulted me," she fumed. The man sympathized and said, "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers." "You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind." "That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

Joke 3 =====

Then there was the one about the couple that was going to visit one of their friends and see the new addition to the family. The wife told the husband not to say anything about the child being born without any ears. While they were observing the new baby, the wife commented on how beautiful the baby's eyes were and how well the baby should be able to see when he gets older. The husband said, "Good thing he'll be able to see well or he can't wear any glasses"

Joke 4 =====

Noon time, someone made a call to the repair lab of a computer firm:- Caller : "Hey, is there anyone who can help me with my PC, it's driving me crazy here !" IT personnel : "Hey, Mister, don't u know it's lunch time now, why don't u call back later! I already had a hard day 'Fire Fighting' this morning!" Caller : "I want some help and I need it NOW!!!" IT personnel : "So what! Lunch time = Rest = Stop Work, OK!" Caller :"Hey! Do u know who u talking to?!" IT personnel : " Who cares !" Caller :"I'm XXXXX, your President!" IT personnel : "OK! So do u know who u are talking to then?" Caller :"I don't know! I just need my PC to be fixed!" IT personnel : "Very good and thank God u don't !" (doooooooo..........phew !!!! A narrow escape for me man!)

Joke 5 :

ANSWER IRON ==================== A guy walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up. The boss says, "What happened to your ears?" He says, "Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and (hold iron to ear) shhh! I accidentally answered the iron." The boss says, "Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?" He says, "Well, jeez, I wanted to call the doctor!"

MULTIPLE CHOICE QUESTIONS ==========================

A candidate brought a dice into the examination hall for MCQ. He started tossing the dice to select his answers. The superintendent just gave a glimpse at this candidate as he passed by as it is common to have students trying their luck. Very soon the candidate finished his whole paper and slept on his table.

Half an hour later the candidate sat up and started tossing the dice again. The superintendent felt curious and approached the candidate. Superintendent : "Gentleman, why are you tossing the dice again since you've already finished all the questions earlier on ?"

Candidate : "Sir, I have to double check my answers."

Superintendent : ".....???? @@%*& "

SULIT!!!!!!!

`Someone' wrote: Top Secret!!!

Mr / Mrs /Miss ,

Re: Changing Of University Names ---------------------------------

With reference to the subject above , the cabinet of Malaysia in their last meeting, with the blessings of Datuk Seri Dr Mahathir Mohammed, has decided to change the name of universities in Malaysia to present it's new status as a developing , dyanamic and respected country , unique in all aspects of life . It is also in view of the corporatization of universities in Malaysia .

The first university to change it's name is University Pertanian Malaysia which will be changed to University Putra Malaysia on 1st of April 1997. As the cabinet is unable to agree on a specific name, Dr M decided to name it after his newest Proton car , Proton Putra , which is constructed specially for him by our national carmaker.

2.The following is the list of universities that will experiance the same fate in the coming years:-

UM ( Universiti Malaya) to Universiti Modenas-Kriss in early 1998

UKM ( Universiti Kebangsaan Malaysia) to Universiti Kancil Malaysia in 1998

USM ( Universiti Sains Malaysia ) to Universiti Satria Malaysia in 1999

UTM ( Universiti Teknologi Malaysia) to Universiti Tiara Malaysia in 2000

UIA ( Universiti Islam Antarabangsa) to Universiti Iswara Antarabangsa in 2000

3. For your information , UUM ( Universiti Utara Malaysia ) will not have it's name changed because it's in Kedah , the birthplace of Dr Mahathir and is his political stronghold. Anyway , revelation by the Jabatan Perisikan Negara strongly contended that the Universiti (UUM) is commonly perceived as "Universiti Untuk Mahathir" and it would be unwise to incur the wrath of the prime minister by changing its name .

4. Please secure this memo after you have read it , as it is the blueprint for our universities and should not be leaked out to the press for we know ( and we're always right ) that they have difficulties in reporting the truth .

Sekian Yang Menjalankan Tugas , ----------------------

BERKHIDMAT UNTUK NEGARA

The following is taken from a Florida newspaper:

A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the house in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle and somehow, the motorcycle slipped into gear. The man, still holding the handlebars, was dragged through a glass patio door and the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house.

The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room, and found her husband laying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle laying next to him and the patio door shattered. The wife ran to the phone and summoned an ambulance.

Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the several flights of long steps to the street to direct the paramedics to her husband.

After the ambulance arrived and transported the husband to the hospital, the wife uprighted the motorcycle and pushed it outside. Seeing that gas had spilled on the floor, the wife obtained some papers towels, blotted up the gasoline, and threw the towels in the toilet.

The husband was treated at the hospital and was released to come home. After arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He became despondent, went into the bathroom, sat on the toilet and smoked a cigarette. After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl while still seated.

The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her husband laying on the floor. His trousers had been blown away and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs and his groin. The wife again ran to the phone and called for an ambulance.

The same ambulance crew was dispatched and the wife met them at the street. The paramedics loaded the husband on the stretcher and began carrying him to the street. While they were going down the stairs to the street accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked the wife how the husband had burned himself. She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them tipped the stretcher and dumped the husband out. He fell down the remaining steps and broke his ankle.

Women's Perspective!!!

Gentlemen,

A little (as in not very much) humour to get your week going!

FOR THE FEMALES OF THE HOUSEHOLDS ONLY!!! WHY DOGS ARE BETTER THAN MEN

Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.

Dogs miss you when you're gone. You never wonder whether your dog is good enough for you.

Dogs feel guilt when they've done something wrong.

Dogs don't brag about whom they have slept with.

Dogs don't criticize your friends.

Dogs admit when they're jealous.

Dogs do not play games with you -- except fetch (and then never laugh at how you throw).

Dogs are happy with any video you choose to rent, because they know the most important thing is that you're together.

Dogs don't feel threatened by your intelligence. You can train a dog.

Dogs are already in touch with their inner puppies. You are never suspicious of your dog's dreams. Gorgeous dogs don't know they're gorgeous. The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK, the *really* worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it, and you get to kill the one that gives it to you.)

Dogs understand what "no" means.

Dogs don't need therapy to undo their bad socialization.

Dogs don't make a practice of killing their own species.

Dogs understand if some of their friends cannot come inside.

Dogs think you are a culinary genius. You can house train a dog. You can force a dog to take a bath.

Dogs don't correct your stories. Middle-aged dogs don't feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner.

Dogs aren't threatened by a woman with short hair.

Dogs aren't threatened by two women with short hair.

Dogs don't mind if you do all the driving.

Dogs don't step on the imaginary brake.

Dogs admit it when they're lost.

Dogs don't weigh down your purse with their stuff.

Dogs do not care whether you shave your legs.

Dogs take care of their own needs.

Dogs aren't threatened if you earn more than they do.

Dogs mean it when they kiss you. Dogs are nice to your relatives.

HOW DOGS AND MEN ARE THE SAME

Both take up too much space on the bed.

Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.

Both are threatened by their own kind.

Both like to chew wood.

Both mark their territory.

Both are bad at asking you questions. Neither tells you what's bothering them.

Both tend to smell riper with age. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.

Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches. Neither does any dishes.

Both fart shamelessly. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.

Both like dominance games.

Both are suspicious of the postman. Neither knows how to talk on the telephone. Neither understands what you see in cats.

WHY MEN ARE BETTER THAN DOGS

Men only have two feet to track in mud.

Men can buy you presents.

Men don't have to play with every man they see when you take them around the block.

Men are a little bit more subtle.

Men don't eat cat turds on the sly.

Men open their own cans.

Dogs have dog breath all the time.

Men can do math stuff.

Holiday Inns accept men.

Knock Knock!!!!

These are some encouraging phrases I got from magazines, hope they can boost your morale in the U :

1. The only time you can't afford to fail is the last time you try.

2. Whatever the mind can conceive and believe it can achieve.

3. Courage is doing what you are afraid to do. There can be no courage unless you are scared.

4. It's okay to ask dumb questions. It's easier than facing up to dumb mistakes.

Last of all, one little naughty joke for you :

A Boy, A Frog & A Whore House

It's been business as usual at the local whorehouse...... at least until the madam was surprised by a young boy, no more than twelve,who walked boldly up to her and said, "I want a woman for an hour." "The madam was naturally rather startled, even more so when she noticed the boy was carrying a sock full of change and a dead frog. The madam said, "Young man, do you know what it is that the women here do?" "Yeah, they fuck you for money, right? Here's my money. According to your sign outside, it's good for an hour. Now gimme a woman, or I'll go next door and they will."

Well, business had been kind of slow lately, and although the boy's money was mostly pennies and nickels, it was as good as anyone's so the madam decided to let him in. "You have any special requests?" she asked. "Yeah," said the boy. "I want a woman with AIDS. You got one?" The madam, once again startled, shook her head. "Er... no...but I do have one with syphillus...will she do?" The boy thought for a moment. "Yeah, whatever works. it's a deal." The madam glanced at the dead frog which lay cradled in the boy's arm. "Er, can I take that frog for you?" "No!" the boy said fiercely. "The frog stays with me!" Whatever, thought the madam, and started to lead the boy upstairs. Halfway up, curiosity got the better of her. "Look, I usually don't bother my clients, but I have to know, just what are you doing here?"

The boy let out an exasperated sigh. "Ok," he said. "The way I see it, if I fuck the woman with VD, I'll get it, right?" "Well, yes, that's how it works." "Okay, well, tonight mom and dad are going out to the movies, and they'll hire the girl down the street to babysit. So, we do the horizontal bop,while the parents are out and she gets VD, right?" "If you say so."

"Anyway, when they get home, dad drives the babysitter home, and they go for a quickie in his back seat, and he gets VD. So, dad goes home, and mom doesn't suspect anything, So they go at it and now mom has VD. The next morning, the milkman comes by, and he and mom play a little hide the salami and the milkman gets VD." "AND HE'S THE SON OF A BITCH WHO RAN OVER MY FROG!"

------Mind some of the foul language.......------

WHEN SOMEONE SAYS:

"You don't know Jack Schitt__"

Now you'll know the entire story!

Jack Schitt is the only son of O. Schitt and Awe Schitt. O. Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married Awe Schitt, who later ran the Kneedeep Inn-Schitt. Jack Schitt eventually married Noe Schitt, and together they produced six children.

Holy Schitt, their first child, passed on shortly after birth. Next came twin sons: Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt, and the two daughters: Fulla Schitt and Givva Schitt. Their final child, another son, was named Bull Schitt.

In the mean time, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out.

Dip Schitt married Lotta Schitt, and they have a son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Givva Schitt married the Happens Brothers... The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg Schitt, Byrd Schitt, and Horace Schitt.

Bull Schitt married a spicy number, Pesa Schitt, and they're awaiting the arrival of Baby Schitt.

So now that not only do you know Jack Schitt, but his entire family as well!

ARSES!!!!!!!!!!!

I know it's been an exasperating week of the lower end punts but I've another lower end joke that I must share with u

Enjoy your next meal!!!

ARSES

When the body was first made,all the parts wanted to be boss. The brain said, -Since I control everything and do all the thinking,I shoud be boss.- The feet said, -Since I carry the body around to where it wants to go,and get into position to do what the brain wants,I shoud be boss.- The hands said, -Since I do all the work and earn all the money to keep the rest of you going,I should be boss.-

And so it went with the heart, the lungs, and the eyes.And finally, the asshole spoke up and demanded that it be made boss. All the other parts just laughed and laughed at the idea of an asshole being boss. The asshole was so angered that it blocked itself off and refused to function. Soon the brain was feverish;the eyes was closed and ached;the feet were too weak to walk;the hands hung limply at the sides;the heart and lungs struggled to keep going.

All pleaded with the brain to relent and let the asshole be boss. And so it happened. All the other parts did all the work, and the asshole just bossed and passed out a lot of shit.

THE MORAL: You don't have to be a brain to be boss, just an asshole.

DISCLAIMER: Of course,this does not apply to OUR BOSS who does ALL THE WORK

KIASU!!!

Something to keep your day going� Enjoy!!!! :) :) :) :)

KIASU!!

A to Z of Kiasu's Philosophy

A - Always must win

B - Borrow but never return

C - Cheap is good

D - Don't trust anyone

E - Everything also must grap!

F- Free! Free! Free!

G - Grab first talk later!

H - Help yourself to everything

I - I first, I want, I everything

J - Jump queue

K - Keep coming back for more

L - Look for discounts

M - Must not lose face

N - Never mind what they think

O - Outdo everyone you know!

P - Pay only when necessary

Q - Quit while you're ahead

R - Rushing and Pushing win the race

S - Samples are always welcome

T - Take but don't give

U - Unless it's free, forget it

V - Vow to be number one

W - Winner takes it all! all! all!

X - x'tra = more!

Y - Yell if necessary to get what you want

Z - Zebras are kiasu because they want to be Black and white at the same time

Think smart and act blur .... Kiasu School of Thought ---------------------------------------------

Most of you would have heard of the Singapore 5 'C's ... Car, Condo,Credit Card (Gold), Cash and Career.

The latest is 5 'K's ...

Kiasu (scared of loosing)

Kiasee (scared of dying)

Kiabor (scared of wife)

Kiaboh (scared of having nothing)

Kiachenghu (scared of government)

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1. A successful man is one who can earn more money than his wife can possibly spend. A successful woman is one who can find that man.

2. Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men. The other 999 are followers of women.

3. Here's good news for bald heads. They say: "God made perfect heads". Those that were not - he covered them with hair.

4. Yes god created man before women, but you always create a draft before the final masterpiece.

5. Every man should have a hobby - but make sure your wife doesn't know about her.

6. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.

7. A sunday school teacher asked a little boy, "Johnny where is God?" "In the bathroom of my house," replied Johnny. "why do u say that?" inquired the shocked teacher. "Because every morning my daddy pounds on the door and says :"My God, are you still there?"

8. The teacher, during an English lesson, asked the students: "Now tell me >what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?" A student in the back row replied "A Teacher".

9. Be nice to people until you have made your first million bucks. After that people will be nice to you.

10.A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.

11.Bank accounts are like toothpaste:easy to take out but hard to put back

12. The doctor is the only man who can tell a woman to take off all her clothes and then send the bill to her husband.

13. The doctor jumped from the bed, got dressed and said to his wife, "Quick, get me my medical bag, some man just phoned and said he can't live without me." "Take it easy dear," said the wife, "that call was for me."

Subject: JOHNNYA JOKES!! (FWD)

Johnny Jokes

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. On this particular day, the teacher wanted to ask her class which part of the body went to heaven first.

One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think your mind goes to heaven first because you have to have a mind in order to believe in God."

The teacher praises the little girl as a little boy raises his hand. He says, "I think your heart goes to heaven first because God is all about love."

"Very good," said the teacher. The teacher looked up and saw Little Johnny's hand up. "Oh no," she thought, "I'm not gonna like this. "Little Johnny, which part of the body do you think goes to heaven first?"

Little Johnny thinks for a minute and says, "Your feet." The teacher asked him why he thought your feet go to heaven first. He replied, "Well, I was walking past my parents' bedroom last night and my mom had her feet up in the air and she said, 'Oh God, I'm coming!', but fortunately Dad was on top of her holding her down." ----------------------------------------------------------------- One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands for who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it." "Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher.

She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said. "Excellent, Michael!"

Then, the teacher called on little Johnny. "Last night, at the dinner table, my sixteen year old sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, fucking beautiful!'"

At Sunday school, the teacher asked little Johnny, "Do you know where little boys and girls go when they do bad things?"

"Sure," little Johnny replied. "They go out in back of the church yard."

One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit. "Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about."

"Okay, first: it's round, plump and red." Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely, ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple." "No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking. Now, for the second. It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish."

Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy.

"Is it a peach?" "No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like you're thinking. Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard." By now, Johnny is about to expolde as he waves his hand frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally. "A banana," she says.

"No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your thinking."

Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. "Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it: it's about an inch and a half long, hard, and it's got a little red head on it."

"Johnny!" she cries. "That's disgusting!" "Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a match stick, but I like your thinking!"

Humor Before and After Marriage

The humour of marriage :

Before wedding - Roses are red, violets are blue. Like it or not, I'm stuck with you

After wedding - Roses are dead, I am blue You get on my head, I will sue you

Before wedding - Every day, makan he brings you to Shangri-la.

After wedding - You want to go, he says lei tang-la (in Cantonese - you wait-lah)

Before wedding - She enjoys his looks

After wedding - She enjoys his cheque book

Before wedding - Shopping at Sogo, Lot 10 and Sungai Wang

After wedding - Shopping at Pasar Malam at Chow Yang

Before wedding - She looks like Anita Sarawak

After wedding - Don't know whether katak or biawak

Before wedding - Weekends at Cameron, Genting and Fraser's hill

After wedding - Furthest you go is Gasing Hill

Before wedding - He opens the car door

After wedding - He opens his mouth and snores

Before wedding - She was your ideal

After wedding - She becomes your ordeal

So... you really want to get married?

Subject: Ctrl-Alt-Del

When GOD decided to end the world He call in 3 key people...President Clinton, Fidel Castro and Bill Gates. To all three of them, He said "tell the world that it is going to end tomorrow".

Back on earth, the President decide to tell the world by saying this.... "I have good news and bad news. The good news is that there is GOD after all. The bad news is that GOD wants to end it tomorrow".

Fidel Castro say it this way .... "Comrades, I have bad news and worst news. The bad news is that there is a GOD and we have to start all over again. The worst news is that we do not have tomorrow to do it".

Bill Gates says it this way... "Hey gang..guess what ? I was chosen to meet GOD and I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that the GOD decided to CTRL-ALT-DEL planet earth. The good news is we do not have to upgrade Windows 95!"

Have fun.....

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Two five year old boys are standing at the potty to pee. One says, "Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!" "I' ve been circumcised." the other one says. "What's that mean?" "It means they cut the skin off the end." "How old were you when it was cut off?" "My Mom said I was two days old." "Did it hurt?" "You bet it hurt, I couldn't walk for a year!"

The VIRGIN

It's your first time. As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for awhile searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you. He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place. He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be. He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-- he's done this many times before. His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an ease entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake you head and nod for him to go on. He begins moving in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you. After a few frenzied moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience. You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled. Hey..what did you all thought of?? MAi sio Y, OK??? heheheheheeheeehhehe...:) :)

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them so much, but after eating, the beans always had a somewhat embarrassing reaction on him.

One day, he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself.

"She'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this," so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up the beans he loved. Shortly after that they were married. A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he phoned his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him.

Since he still had several miles to walk, he thought he would walk off any ill effects before he got home. So he went in and ordered three extra large bowls of beans. All the way home, he farted and farted hard. By the time he arrived home he felt that it was reasonably safe already.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise or you for dinner tonight!"

She put a blindfold on him and led him to his favourite chair at the head of the table and promise him not to peek.

At this point he was beginning to feel another fart coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the phone rang. She made him promise not to peek until she returned and went to answer the phone.

While she was gone, he seized the oppurtunity. He shifted his weight to the side of his ass and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him and said, "Pheeeew! Just on time".

He had just started to feel better when another urge came on. He raised to the other side of his ass again and rriiipppp! It sounded like a diesel engine revving and smelled worse than before! To keep himself from giggling, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the terrible smell would dissipate. This time he said, "My God, it smells horrible in here!"

Things had just about to return to normal when he felt another urge coming.

He shifted his weight to his other ass and let go. This fart was a real blue ribbon winner; the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead.

While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next 10 minutes, farting and then fanning each time with his napkin.

When he heard the phone farewells (indicating the end of his loneliness and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands onn top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was like a picture of innocence when his wife walked in.

Apologising for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table.

After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled "SURPISE! To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests all gasping for air, seated around the table for his surprise birhtday party!

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Martin had just met his girlfriend, when she asked him to go over to her place for dinner to meet her parents. Not wanting to make a bad impression, he goes over.

After he has been sitting at the table for a while, he feels an incredible pain in his stomach and has to let a fart go. Just then, the family's dog, Fido, walks under the table and his tail bumps Martin's leg. This kind of scares Martin and he lets a little fart go. Suddenly his girlfriends mother yells "Fido!!"..

Martin is relieved "This is great, he thinks, I can fart all I want and they'll blame it on the dog!!"

So Martin lets a bigger fart go, sure enough the mother yells at the dog.. After farting twice Martin feels much better, and decides if he lets one more fart go he'll feel a lot better. So he lets a huge ripping fart go, this time the mother looks furious with the dog. Martin is finding this pretty funny until the mother yells, "Fido, get out from under the table before he shits all over you!!!!!"

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UMNO, MCA, MIC

There are three major races in Malaysia - Malay, Chinese and Indian. The Malays have the political power and so they set up the party UMNO which literally means "U Must Not Object".

The Chinese, on the other hand, controls the economy and they called their party MCA which means "Money Conquers All".

Then there are the Indians who have no say in politics or economics. They set up their party called MIC. Hence, every parlimentary meeting the Indians would ask: "Must I Come?"

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Life Environment

Wise Man + Wise Woman = Romance

Wise Man + Dumb Woman = Affairs

Dumb Man + Wise Woman = Divorce

Dumb Man + Dumb Woman = Marriage

***

Work Environment

Wise Manager + Wise Employee = Profit

Wise Manager + Dumb Employee = Production

Dumb Manager + Wise Employee = Promotion

Dumb Manager + Dumb Employee = Overtime

Malaysian Telephone Service Providers and what they really mean :

010 - ART 900 - Always Repair Telephone

A11 - ATUR - Absolutely Terrible and Useless Radiophone

012 - Maxis - Moronic And Xtremely Inferior System

013 - TM Touch - Too Many TMTouch Owners Usually Change Handphones

016 - DiGi 1800 - Don't Invest In Garbage Instruments

017 - ADAM - Always Dropping And Malfunctioning

018 - Mobifon - Most Often Bought In Fake Obnoxious Nightmarkets

019 - CELCOM - Cannot Enjoy Line Clarity on Outgoing Messages

Subject: Jokes of Today!!

THE ZOO

One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. Unfortunately, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office.

The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla has died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.

So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before crowd comes. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires of just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it.

At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction.

Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help, Help me!", but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says,

"Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"

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A Lady goes to Toys R Us to buy a Barbie doll. She tells the clerk that she needs to buy a Barbie but doesn't know what's available or price. The clerk replies "we have Tennis Barbie and she's $28" Lady asks "well, anything else?" "We have an equestrian Barbie, and she's $28". Lady asks "anything else?" "Well, we have divorced Barbie and she's $250" The lady replies "I don't understand why divorced Barbie is so expensive. The others were only $28. What is so special about divorced Barbie?" The clerk replied "Simple, she comes with Ken's car, his house, and all his other stuff."

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A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.

He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly. make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim." If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.

On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?" "You're going to die," she replied.

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WHAT WOMEN REALLY MEAN (an updated version)

CAN'T WE JUST BE FRIENDS? there is no way in hell I'm going to let any part of your body touch any part of mine, again

I JUST NEED SOME SPACE without you in it

DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS DRESS? we haven't had a fight in a while

NO, PIZZA'S FINE you cheap slob!

I JUST DON'T WANT A BOYFRIEND NOW I just don't want YOU as a boyfriend now

I DON'T KNOW; WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO? I can't believe you have nothing planned

COME HERE my puppy does this too

I LIKE YOU, BUT I don't like you

OF COURSE I LOVE YOU just not in THAT way

YOU NEVER LISTEN you never listen

WE'RE MOVING TOO QUICKLY I'm not going to sleep with you until I find out if this guy at the gym has a girlfriend

I'LL BE READY IN A MINUTE I'm ready, but I'm going to make you wait because I know you will

OH, NO, I'LL PAY FOR MYSELF I'm just being nice; there is no way I'm going dutch

OH YES!!! RIGHT THERE well, near there; I just want to get this over with

I'M JUST GOING OUT WITH THE GIRLS We're gonna get sloppy and make fun of you and your friends

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Three women always hang their laundry out in the backyard. When it rains, however, the laundry always gets wet. All the laundry, that is, except for Sophie's. The other two women wonder why Sophie never has her laundry out on the days that it rains.

So one day, they are all out in the backyard putting their clothes on the line when one of the women says to Sophie, "Say, how come when it rains, your laundry is never out?"

"Well," says Sophie, "when I wake up in the morning, I look over at Saul. If his penis is hanging over his right leg, I know it's going to be a great day, and I can hang out the wash. If his penis is hanging over his left leg, I know it's going to rain, so I don't hang out the wash."

"What if he has an erection?" asks one of the women.

"Honey," says Sophie, "on a day like that, you don't do the laundry."

Subject: Just JokinG!!!! :)))

A man was bragging about his sister who disguised herself as a man and joined the army. "But, wait a minute," said the listener, "She'll have to dress with the boys and shower with them too. Won't she?" "Sure," replied the man. "Well, won't they find out?" The man shrugged. "But who'll tell?"

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THE PRESIDENT's PARROT While Bill, Hillary and Chelsea were vacationing at Camp David the housekeeper was tasked with looking after their pet parrot. They hadn't been gone for more than a couple of days when the parrot was found dead in the bottom of it's cage.

The housekeeper knew the first family would be desolate at the loss of one of their family pets, so she set out to find a replacement bird and visited nearly every pet store in Washington. After nearly two days of looking no-stop, she came across an almost exact duplicate of the bird. As she purchased the parrot, the shop owner cautioned her that the bird had previously be owned by a Madam and had lived for several years in a house of ill-repute. The housekeeper replied that no one would ever know and she took the bird back to the White House. The morning after the Clintons return to the White House, Chelsea walked through the room and the bird said, "Too young." A little later Hillary came into the room and the bird responded with, "Too old." Late that afternoon the President entered the room and the bird said, "HI, BILL!"

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SNEEZING CAN BE FUN (18SX) A man and a woman were seated next to each other on the New York to Los Angelas flight. When they were over Chicago the man let out a sneeze, then reached under his belt and into his pants with a handkerchief. The woman pretended not to notice, being polite, thinking that he perhaps had an incontinence problem. A few minutes later, this was followed by a second sneeze. The man once again reached down into his pants with a handkerchief. The woman began to squirm uncomfortably in her seat. Then, this was followed by an even more powerful third sneeze. This time, the man unfastened his belt so he could more effectively clean off the areas below. The woman was aghast, couldn't take it anymore, and finally blurted, "Just what is going on with you !!!!". The man responded, "I have a very rare condition causing me to experience an orgasm each and every time I sneeze." "Oh", she replied. "But could you please trying being a little more discreet." She then asked, "What can you take for this type of rare condition?".

He responded, "Pepper".

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M.A.H.A.T.H.I.R = My Assets Halved After The Hammering In Ringgit.!!!!

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THE MALE STAGES OF LIFE AGE DRINK

17 beer 25 beer 35 vodka 48 double vodka 66 Maalox

SEDUCTION LINE

17 My parents are away for the weekend. 25 My girlfriend is away for the weekend. 35 My fiancee is away for the weekend. 48 My wife is away for the weekend. 66 My second wife is dead.

FAVORITE SPORT

17 sex 25 sex 35 sex 48 sex 66 napping

DRUG

17 pot 25 coke 35 really good coke 48 power 66 coke, a limousine, the company jet

DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE

17 "tongue" 25 "breakfast" 35 "She didn't set back my therapy." 48 "I didn't have to meet her kids." 66 "Got home alive."

FAVORITE FANTASY

17 getting to third 25 airplane sex 35 menage a trois 48 taking the company public 66 Swiss maid/Nazi love slave

HOUSE PET

17 roaches 25 stoned-out college roommate 35 Irish setter 48 children from his first marriage 66 Barbie

WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?

17 25 25 35 35 48 48 66 66 17

IDEAL DATE

17 Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in 25 "Split the check before we go back to my place" 35 "Just come over." 48 "Just come over and cook." 66 Sex in the company jet on the way to Vegas.

THE FEMALE STAGES OF LIFE =========================

AGE DRINK

17 Wine Coolers 25 White wine 35 Red wine 48 Dom Perignon 66 Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser

EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES

17 Need to wash my hair 25 Need to need wash and condition my hair 35 Need to color my hair 48 Need to have Francois color my hair 66 Need to have Francois color my wig

FAVORITE SPORT

17 shopping 25 shopping 35 shopping 48 shopping 66 shopping

DRUG

17 shopping 25 shopping 35 shopping 48 shopping 66 shopping

DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE

17 "Burger King" 25 "Free meal" 35 "A diamond" 48 "A bigger diamond" 66 "Home Alone"

FAVORITE FANTASY

17 tall, dark and handsome 25 tall, dark and handsome with money 35 tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain 48 a man with hair 66 a man

HOUSE PET

17 Muffy the cat 25 Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat 35 Irish setter and Muffy the Cat 48 Children from his first marriage & Muffy the Cat 66 Retired husband dabbles in taxidermy, stuffs Muffy the Cat

WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?

17 17 25 25 35 35 48 48 66 66

IDEAL DATE

17 He offers to pay 25 He pays 35 He cooks breakfast the next morning 48 He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids 66 He can chew breakfast

====================================================== The X(mas) Files

Mulder: We're too late. It's already been here. Scully: Mulder, I hope you know what you are doing. Mulder: Look, Scully, just like the other homes: Douglas fir, truncated, mounted, transformed into some sort of shrine; halls decked with boughs of holly; stockings hung by the chimney, with care. Scully: You really think someone's been here? Mulder: Someone or some THING. Scully: Mulder, over here -- it's fruitcake. Mulder: Don't touch it! Those things can be lethal. Scully: It's O.K. There's a note attached: "Gonna find out who's naughty and nice."

Mulder: It's judging them, Scully. It's making a list. Scully: Who? What are you talking about? Mulder: Ancient mythology tells of an obese humanoid entity who could travel at great speed in a craft powered by antlered servants. Once each year, near the winter solstice, this creature is said to descend from the heavens to reward ts followers and punish its disbelievers with jagged chunks of anthracite. Scully: But that's legend, Mulder -- a story told by parents to frighten children. Surely, you don't believe it? Mulder: Something was here tonite, Scully. Check out the bite marks on this gingerbread man. Whatever tore through this plate of cookies was massive -- and in a hurry. Scully: It left crumbs everywhere. And look, Mulder, this milk glass has been completely drained. Mulder: It gorged itself, Scully. It fed without remorse. Scully: But why would they leave it milk and cookies? Mulder: Appeasement. Tonight is the Eve, and nothing can stop its wilding. Scully: But if this thing does exist, how did it get in? The doors and windows were locked. There's no sign of forced entry.

Mulder: Unless I miss my guess, it came through the fireplace. Scully: Wait a minute, Mulder. If you are saying some huge creature landed on the roof and came down the chimney, you're crazy. The flue is barely six inches wide. Nothing could get through there. Mulder: But what if it could alter its shape, move in all directions. Scully: You mean, like a bowl full of jelly? Mulder: Exactly. Scully, I've never told anyone this, but when I was a child my home was visited. I saw the creature. It had long white strips of fur surrounding its ruddy, reshapen head. Its bloated torso was red and white. I'll never forget the horror. I turned away, and when I looked back it had somehow taken on the facial features of my father. Scully: Impossible. Mulder: I know what I saw. And that night it read my mind. It brought me a Mr. Potato Head, Scully. IT KNEW I WANTED A MR. POTATO HEAD. Scully: I'm sorry, Mulder, but you're asking me to disregard the laws of physics. You want me to believe in some supernatural being who soars across the skies and brings gifts to good little girls and boys. Listen to what you are saying. Do you understand the repercussions? If this gets out, they'll close the X-files. Mulder: Scully, listen to me: It knows when you are sleeping. It knows when you're awake. Scully: But we have no proof. Mulder: Last year, on this exact date, S.E.T.I. radio telescopes detected bogeys in the airspace over twenty-seven states. The White House ordered a Condition Red. Scully: But that was a meteor shower. Mulder: Officially. Two days ago, eight prized Scandinavian reindeer vanished from the National Zoo in Washington, D.C. Nobody - not even the zookeeper - was told about it. The government doesn't want people to know about Project Kringle. They fear that if this thing is proved to exist, then the public would stop spending half its annual income in a holiday shopping frenzy. Retail markets will collapse. Scully,they cannot let the world believe this creature lives. There's too much at stake. They'll do whatever it takes to insure another silent night. Scully: Mulder, I -- Mulder: Sh-h-h! Do you hear what I hear? Scully: On the roof. It sounds like . . . a clatter. Mulder: The truth is up there. Let's see what's the matter.

Enjoy!!! That's all folks! ==

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. On this particular day, the teacher wanted to ask her class which part of the body went to heaven first.

One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think your mind goes to heaven first because you have to have a mind in order to believe in God."

The teacher praises the little girl as a little boy raises his hand. He says, "I think your heart goes to heaven first because God is all about love."

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it." "Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher.

She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said. "Excellent, Michael!"

Then, the teacher called on little Johnny. "Last night, at the dinner table, my sixteen year old sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, fucking beautiful!'"

------------------------------------------------------------- At Sunday school, the teacher asked little Johnny, "Do you know where little boys and girls go when they do bad things?"

"Sure," little Johnny replied. "They go out in back of the church yard." ------------------------------------------------------------- One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit. "Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about."

Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy.

"No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your thinking."

"Johnny!" she cries. "That's disgusting!" "Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a match stick, but I like your thinking!"

Skin Graft

There was a married couple who were in a terrible car accident. The woman's face was burned severely. The doctor told the husband they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was so skinny.

The husband then donated some of his skin...however, the only place suitable to the doctor was from his buttocks. The husband requested that no one be told of this, because after all this was a very delicate matter!

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever did before! All her friends and relatives just ranted and raved at her youthful beauty!

She was alone with her husband one day and she wanted to thank him for what he did. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me! There is no way I could ever repay you!!!

He replied, "Oh don't worry, Honey, I get plenty thanks enough every time your mother comes over and kisses you on your cheek...!!"

Two Polish guys were taking their first train trip to Warsaw on the train. A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas which they'd never seen before. Each bought one.

The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel. When the train emerged from the tunnel, he looked across to his friend and said, "I wouldn't eat that if I were you."

"Why not?"

"I took one bite and went blind for half a minute."

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SHE WAS SO BLONDE...

...she thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday. ...she sent me a fax with a stamp on it. ...she thought a quarterback was a refund. ...she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order. ...she thought Boyz II Men was a day care center. ...she thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools. ...she thought General Motors was in the army. ...she thought Meow Mix was a record for cats. ...under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics." ...she tried to drown a fish. ...she tripped over a cordless phone. ...she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate." ...she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind. ...she got stabbed in a shoot-out. ...she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK." ...she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death. ...if you gave her a penny for intelligence, you'd get change back. ...they had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade. ...she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept. ...at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here," she put "Sagittarius." ...she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store. ...it takes her two hours to watch "60 Minutes." ...if she spoke her mind, she'd probably be speechless. ...she studied for a blood test - and failed. ...she thought she needed a token to get on "Soul Train." ...she sold the car for gas money. ...when she saw the "NC-17" (under 17 not admitted), she went home and got 16 friends. ...when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved. ...she thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill. ...when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead. ...when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.

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� Psychopath ... A small area where psychos walk up and down. � My uncle was smoking in bed last night. He fell asleep and his waterbed caught fire and he drowned. � My husband read that smoking was bad for his health so he immediately quit reading. � My sister was very aggressive about people smoking in her presence. If she saw someone smoking, she would immediately jerk the cigarette or cigar out of their mouth, throw it on the ground and crush it by stepping on it. She died of cancer of the foot. � "This article says " A man is hit by a car every 20 minutes." - You'd think he would stay in the house. � "Mommy, Mommy. I learned how to write in school today". That's wonderful. What did you write? "I don't know. I haven't learned how to read yet."

Titanic lyrics [Sing along with da orginal song]

Foolish Parody '98, Opus #2 MY CAR WILL GO ON... [hopefully] -------------------------------------------- Intro: wispy woodwind

verse 1: Every time I start you, I hear you, I feel you Telling me you cannot... go on. Far away the Hyundais, the Yugos, they beat us At 45[mph] you slowly... go on.

Chorus: Near, far, wherever you park I can see you, oh brown, ug-ly car! Once...More...I don't lock the door And no one'll try to steal it, my car will go on and on

verse 2: The battery died that one time, and stalled me a lifetime I watched as all the others... go on How the kids they would laugh, the fan belts, do screech-scratch When I drive with the fan...turned on

Chorus: Near, far, wherever you park I can see you, oh brown, ug-ly car! Once...More...I don't lock the door

WHAT TYPE OF PERSON ARE YOU?

" WHAT TYPE OF PERSON ARE YOU? "

1. VAIN PERSON One who loves the smell of his own farts.

2. AMIABLE PERSON One who loves the smell of other peoples farts.

3. PROUD PERSON One who thinks his farts are exceptionally fine.

4. SHY PERSON One who releases silent farts and then blushes.

5. IMPUDENT PERSON One who boldly farts out loud and then laughs.

6. UNFORTUNATE PERSON One who tries very hard to fart but shits instead.

7. SCIENTIFIC PERSON One who farts regularly but is truly concerned about pollution.

8. NERVOUS PERSON One who stops in the middle of a fart.

9. HONEST PERSON One who admits he farted but offers good medical reasons.

10. DISHONEST PERSON One who farts and then blames it on the dog.

11. FOOLISH PERSON One who surpresses a fart for hours and hours.

12. THRIFTY PERSON One who always has several good farts in reserve.

13. ANTISOCIAL PERSON One who excuses himself and farts in complete privacy.

14. STRATEGIC PERSON One who covers up his farts with loud coughing.

15. SADISTIC PERSON One who farts in bed and then fluffs the covers over his bedmate!

16. INTELLECTUAL PERSON One who can determine from the smell of a fart the precise food items consumed.

17. ATHLETIC PERSON One who farts at the slightest exertion.

18. SENSITIVE PERSON One who farts and then starts crying.

Aha...! :) Now U know what type of person U r!! :)

The Age Game

THE AGE GAME It's amazing!!!!! (Some mathematician was really bored!) DON'T Scroll to the bottom yet. It only takes about 30 seconds to do (if you can do simple math). Work this out as you read down. Don't read the bottom until you have worked it out!!!

would like to go out to eat or to the movies.

2. Multiply this number by 2.

3. Add 5.

4. Multiply it by 50.

5. If you have already had your birthday this year, add 1748. If you haven't, add 1747.

6. Last step: Subtract the four digit year that you were born. see below... . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

RESULTS: You should now have a three digit number:

The first digit of this was your original number (i.e., how many times you want to go out each month).

The second two digits are your age! This is the only year it will ever work, so spread the joy around by mailing this to everyone you know.

And no one'll try to steal it, my car will go on and on

Super-chorus:(same melody, but raised two keys) This... year..., there's nothing I fear I got triple-A card to go on On... the... 405 Freeway I reach for the call box and, my life will go on and on.....

S'pore Jokes only lah!! :)

I believe you must have seen the movie Titanic. Do you like it? Here is another Titanic: this is the singapore version of titanic...very funnie...enjoy it....

Imagine if you will in the passengers list of the titanic, were a coupla singaporeans

*My Titanic Comes To Singapore*

Flute piping Music rising Celine whispering

Ger : Stop OK, don't come near near, sekali i jump then you know Guy : well, if you jump, i also jump. then lagi jia lat. the water damn cold, ok

Celine singing

Guy : i musss see you Ger : no jack, cannot lah. Wa engaged liao. Wa marry Geraldo

Celine screaming

Ger : i am a paying customer. i expect to get what i want Guy : wah liao, lucky neber giv diskound

More celine screaming Ger : when this cruise landing, i wan to come witch you Guy : siao ah Ger : hahahah i know. i know lah

Waves lapping, guy bopping

Guy : promise me ok, you neber let go ok. neber leet gggo. nnneneneber llllet ggggggoooo Ger : aiyah ok, ok lah. shure, shure Final dash of a celine scream

Ger : and that is the last time i go on cruise

In the 1960s, people lived in 4-storeyed HDB flats.

The 4th floor was specially for the Chinese the 3rd was reserved for the Malays the 2nd was for Indians and the 1st was for the Sikhs.

It was National Day, the president gave a formal speech to the public just behind this block of flats. The president announced, "I hereby declare Singapore a Republic as from today. What ever we practice today shall be passed on to our future generations".

All the residents (Chinese, Malays, Indians and Sikhs) stood at their kitchen windows listening the president's speech. Meanwhile, the Chinese on the 4th floor was shaving and he accidentally dropped his shaver. The shaver dropped to the 3rd floor and cut the Malay's penis and he bled. It so happened that one drop of his blood which was dripping down the second floor, stained the forehead of the Indian below. The Sikh staying on the 1st floor saw this.... , "Oh I better cover my head with a Turban before I also bled on."

These practices have since been passed on to the present days.

************************* What are the practices ?? *************************

1. Most Chinese shave 2. Most Malays circumcise 3. Most Indians put a coloured dot on their forehead 4. Most Sikhs put on turban

Letter sent by Ah Beng to Ah Lian ********************************

Ah Lian dearest... Your beautiful face no fight, Silky hair everybody like, Your horse figure no horse run, Big big eyes, small small mouth, cannot tahan, one word, marry wife follow wife, marry cat follow cat, You go there, I go there. If you are the moon, I'm the star beside u. If u are a flower, I'm the leave of ur flower, when you exercise, I'm your sweat at the armpit, If you are shit, I'm the fly, When you are bathing, I'm the soap, To sky mountain sea corner, You are my woman this lifetime.

Lupe u deep deep, Ah Beng

****************************************************** And some other ones lar....

It's about the American tourist and Thai guide in Thailand. American: "What do you do with the seafood garbage?" Thai: "Throw away." American: "In my country, we will make the snack and sell them in Thailand." Thai: "...." American: "What do you do with the used tires?" Thai: "Throw away also." American: "In my country, we will make the condoms and sell in Thailand. Hahaha..." Thai: "...Let me ask you a question, what do you do with the used condoms?" American: "Surely, we throw them away." Thai: "In my country, we use them to make chewing gum and sell it in America."

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A man died and went to heaven. When he arrived at the pearly gates St. Peter said, "Come on in. I'll show you around. You'll like it here." Walking through the gates, the man noticed clocks everywhere. There were grandfather clocks, wall clocks, watches, and clocks in every corner. It appeared that heaven was nothing more than a giant clock warehouse.

Surprised at how heaven looked, the man asked, "St. Peter, what's the deal? Why are all these clocks here in heaven?" St. Peter replied, "The clocks keep track of things on earth. There is one clock for each person. Every time the person on earth tells a lie, his clock moves one minute."

"For instance, this clock is for Sam, the used car salesman. If you watch it closely, it will move." "Click." The minute hand on Sam's clock moved one minute. "Click." It moved another minute. "Sam must be into closing a customer right now," said St. Peter. "The minute hand on his clock moves all day."

The man and St. Peter continued walking. Soon, they came to a clock with cobwebs on the minute hand. "Whose clock is this?" asked the man. "That clock belongs to the Widow Mary. She is one of the finest, God-fearing, people on earth. I bet her clock hasn't moved in a year or two."

They continued walking and touring heaven. The man enjoyed watching the clocks of all his friends. When the tour was finished, the man said, "I've seen everyone's clock but President Clinton's. Where is his clock?" Saint Peter smiled, "Just look up. We use his clock for a ceiling fan."