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braidism
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magnat
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windfall
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The technique know as Braidism was first recognised by the Scotish optitian James Braid. He noticed that one of his patients whilst sitting in his consulting room has become factinated by a lamp on the desk. He investigated further and found that eye fatigue produced by light straining the muscles controlling eye movement you could produce a 'facinated state' which increased the patitents susceptibility to suggestions. The following is an example of Braidism but obviously there are many varriations on the same theme. Due to the physical nature of this induction you must ensure you have discussed the general idea behind this induction before you begin. NEVER try to use this technique without first checking to see if your subject wears contact lenses or suffers from any eye related defect which could be made worse by mild eye strain. It is unlikely that that you will come up against such problems but it is much easier if you are aware of potential problems before you leap in with both feet.
When you are ready to begin seat the subject in a comfortable chair or get them settled on a couch (if you're lucky enough to have one!). Try and get them to rest their head back so as to reduce the possible problems with neck starin etc. Once they are settled then ask them to swivel their eyes upwards in their sockets and find a clear easily identifiable point or mark on the ceiling. It may well be in your interest to manufacture such a mark. It is a simple case of sticking something clear to the ceiling - a small blob of blu-tak or even a peice of coloured paper would be ideal. Place this point in such a possition as to place mild strain on the muscles surrounding the subjects eyes. Once you have arranged everything suitably then ask them to try and keep the point in focus at all time. Stress that this may well become difficult and if so not to worry. Again this technique relies on enhancing a natural process and simply by staring at a point your vision WILL blur. Associating that natural blurring with a hypnotic induction uses the subjects natural expectation of the situation to your advantage. It isn't important for them to stare ridgidly at the point.....in actual fact part of the realisation that something is happening is whne they try and look at something OTHER than their chosen point. Stress that if they want to blink, cough, yawn, sneeze etc. there will be no problem. In actual fact minor interuptions like yawning and sneezing don't REALLY have a huge effect. Granted they may briefly interupt the hypnotists train of thought but I can guarantee that trying to supress a yawn is very much MORE disturbing for a hypnotic subject than just getting it over with.
Once everything has settled and you have laid down your 'ground rules' begin to build up your rapport. Start to monitor your breathing and try if possible to match your subject. Not only does it help you psychologically gain more trust from your subject you will also find it much easier to notice the subtle changes in your patients mental state. As I have already mentioned the depth and regularity of a subject's breathing changes and can pass through quite a few stages during a standard induction. If you are consiously trying to match those changes you become much more aware of them and you will find that as you gain in confidence and experience you will be able to alter your induction depending on the signals you are receiving from such indicators. Basically from now on it you just talk to the subject.......stressing all the time that they are feeling relaxed. Point out the fact that their eyes are becoming tired......all you are doing here is stating the obvious but simply by making a statment which the patient finds to be true will increase their confindence in other statements that you make in future - even if they aren't necessarily 100% correct.
As they continue to focus on the point they will naturally begin to blink more often and for longer periods due to fatigue. Enhance this by pointing it out.......then begin to suggest that they will find it harder and harder to open their eyes after each blink. This should start to have an effect withing a matter of a couple of minutes but if you find you aren't getting quite the response you where hoping for you can switch tack slightly. Suggest that you are going to start counting........you want the subject to blink on the odd numbers and open their eyes on the even numbers. Begin counting with an even steady speed (maybe a second or even two seconds between numbers). Keep them focused on the point when their eyes are open and gradually increase the length of time that their eyes are closed by altering the rate at which you are counting. Keep up the suggestions about heavy eye-lids and increase the relaxation suggestions by using the subjects breathing. Maybe suggest that every breath out is like 'breathing away all your tension'. Once the subject begins to close their eyes and you can see that it is becoming quite difficult for them to remain open it is probably best to ask them to just relax, let their eyes close naturally and then move on to a deepening technique. You should, under most circumstances observe some kind of effect from this technique within about 5 to 10 minutes. Much longer than this and you will find both the subject and you are tiring. Don't push it - if you don't get any results after this period then give up and have a bit of a break.
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Now, to begin with it is important to stress to the subject that the results of these tests are NOT a definative answer to the question "Can I be hypnotised?" These tests merely offer a clearer picture to the hypnotist of the POSSIBLE ways in which he could proceed and to give a general indication of how best to induce the trance state. It is important, however, to remember that they also serve as positive feed-back for the subject and it is wise to choose an initial test which provides a postitive result. This will only reinforce the belief in the subject that the whole process is possible for them, making your job VERY much easier later on.
To begin this test ask your subject to get as comfy as possible on the chair or couch they are sitting on. It isn't vital that they are particularlly relaxed but it is important to ensure that they are not distracted by such things as a badly placed cusion etc. Once these little problems have been sorted out, ask them to close their eyes and hold their hands out in front of them with palms facing upwards towards the ceiling, arms almost straight. Now begin to talk in a firm, comanding but friendly voice. Infom them that you are going to give them a very heavy brick, tell them that they can see this brick as you place it on their hand, you may if you wish go into some detail concerning what the brick looks like although this sin't really necessary. As you place the brink on their hand you must make a choice. It doesn't matter which and you choose to place the brick on but you MUST be consitent throughout the test. You then continue to talk to them, explaining how heavy the brick is, and that, the longer they support it the harder it will become to keep their arm outstreached and stiff. Point out that as they hold the brick their muscles will begin to weaken and the arm will begin to lower. The longer they hold the brick the more stress their arm will be under. Now, again, at this point it is entirely your own choice. You can decide to take the test further if you wish by involving the other arm or you can continue as before, building up the tension on the arm holding the 'brick'. If you decide to involve the other arm then begin to make suggestions about giving the subject a balloon to hold. A balloon full of helium, a balloon that is lighter than air. The longer they hold the balloon the higher it wants to fly and it will begin to tug at their other arm, pulling it up above the level of their head. All the time draw attention back to the brick and reinforce the feelings of weight and the stress that their arm is undergoing.
I am sure by now that you are fully aware of the likely response from such a test. You would expect after a short period of time to see the hand holding the 'brick' to begin to lower and the hand holding the balloon to rise. Now depending on how good your suggestions were and how effective the imagery was for the subject you should notice a decent response after about five minutes. If you haven't noticed very much don't worry. Inform the subject that you are happy with those results and move onto another test. It is very likely that the subject was either preocupied with something else and wasn't REALLY listening to you or that they are not particularlly good at calling images to mind. Pick a test, or a varrient of a test, which doesn't require a great deal of imagination and try again. You may well find that your second choice proves more infomative.
Once you are happy with the results call an end to the test. Tell the subject NOT to move their arms but to slowly open their eyes. Show them the effects that you where witnessing and explain tot hem the importance of this. They may well be quite shocked by this as it is quite hard to tell when you have your eyes shut to correctly estimate the postition of your hands and arms especially if they have moved very slowly and also, seemingly, without a formal 'request' from the subjects mind.
After completeing this test you may find it unecessary to carry out another. This again is your own choice and should depend on the response you recieved from the subject but more importantly on the state of the patient. If they seem excited and interested then it may well be more productive to go straight to the induction. If, however, they seem to need a little bit more 'evidence' or you where unhappy with the response then try another test. The best advice I can give to you is to be cautious of boredom. It is a very bad thing to allow the subject to become bored as you search (more often than not) in vain for the 'perfedct' response to a suggestability test.
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Now, to begin with it is important to stress to the subject that the results of these tests are NOT a definative answer to the question "Can I be hypnotised?" These tests merely offer a clearer picture to the hypnotist of the POSSIBLE ways in which he could proceed and to give a general indication of how best to induce the trance state. It is important, however, to remember that they also serve as positive feed-back for the subject and it is wise to choose an initial test which provides a postitive result. This will only reinforce the belief in the subject that the whole process is possible for them, making your job VERY much easier later on.
Again this test relies on the subtle use of imagery and also a certain amount of expectation. In order for this test to have any effect you must ensure that your subject is willing to participate 100% of the time. To begin ensure that your subject is comfortable and calm. Ask them to hold their hands out in front of them with fists clenched, elbows by their sides with their hands about one foot apart. Ask them to close thir eyes and visualise their hands holding two large magnets. Begin to suggest that the magnets are pulling towards each other and as they get closer they exert more force, making the pull between them stronger. Continue with this line of suggestion observing the hands at all times. You should notice that they will begin to move together and you should draw attention to this explaining that the closer they get to one another the more effect the magnets will have. This creates a positive feed-back and even the slightest movements in the subjects arms will cause the suggestions to be more effective, almost like a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Continue with this test for about 5 minutes. If you have recieved no response after that time it is unlikely that carrying on will cause any major change. However, in quite a number of situations this test should result in the subject's hands acutally touching and you may like to suggest that once the hands touch they will be stuck fast and permenatly. This is a good extention for this test if you think that your chosen subject has a particularlly vivid imagination. I wouldn't recommend it, however, for inexperienced hypnotists because you must ensure that the suggestion is intorduced early enough in the test to allow them sufficient time to accept the it and act apon it.
As With all aspects of the hypnotic state you must ensure that you draw attention to the detail of such procedures and show how postitively they have effected the subject. Once you are happy with the result, again ask the subject NOT to move their hands or arms but to slowly open their eyes. More often than not they will be suprised by the distance that their hands have moved and will probably not remember feeling them move. Draw attention to this and show that although they were consious at all times they were unaware of their involuntary movement. Indicate to them that their subconsious was to 'blame' for this movement and try to help them understand that, under the right conditions (ie. Hypnosis) their unconsious can have control over far more than just the subjects muscles. At all times highlight the postitive aspects of each test and work with the subject in helping them to understand what happned to them. After all this can be a little disturbing at first when you find that your own body can seemingly move of it's own free will without consious intervention.
After completeing this test you may find it unecessary to carry out another. This again is your own choice and should depend on the response you recieved from the subject but more importantly on the state of the patient. If they seem excited and interested then it may well be more productive to go straight to the induction. If, however, they seem to need a little bit more 'evidence' or you where unhappy with the response then try another test. The best advice I can give to you is to be cautious of boredom. It is a very bad thing to allow the subject to become bored as you search (more often than not) in vain for the 'perfect' response to a suggestability test.
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This test relies on the subject inate ability to feel disoreientated when they have their eyes closed. It is usually a fairly easy test to complete but one must be very careful before deciding on this test as it may involve having to take the weight of your subject before they hit the floor. This is only practicable if you know yourself to be strong enough to hold the subject and gently lower them to the floor. If you are not confident in this respect then DO NOT attepmt this test.
First ask the subject to stand. Polietly ask them to close their eyes and then start talking to them in a clear concise way - it is important to show them that you are fully in control....this test can invole quite dramatic 'loss' of control for the patient and they must feel that they can trust you in order for this test to be effective. Carefully re-iterate that their unconcious mind has in-built saftey features which will automatically come into opperation if it feels threatened or in any danger. Then remind them that your are also there to help them should they require it and that they should be prepared for any number of unusual happenings, should they happen then just let them take their course. Then allowing them to relax a little and settle into the unusual sensations associated with the circumstances, begin to talk them through the test outline as below.
You will notice before you even begin the test properly that the subject will naturaly find it more difficult to stand straight and level when they have their eyes closed. This test relies on that inate instability found in all humans but it is important that the subject is unaware of this before you begin. Start using some imagery techniques to 'place' the subject somewhere in the open. Then make suggestions that as they stand out in the open the wind begins to blow. Direct the subjects attention to the direction of the wind making it seem to come from either the front or from behind. When you suggest the direction of the wind make sure that you have postitioned the subject between you and the direction of the incoming 'wind' so that if the test is sucessful you are able to catch the patient should they loose their balance and stop them from causing themselves harm when they fall.
I tend to find that a relaxing walk up a hill and then standing on the top looking out at the imaginary 'view' is quite effective. As they stand looking out arround them begin to suggest increasing winds - maybe blustery so that they are unable to really predict when the winds will get stronger. Taken notice of the way the subject is responding. If they begin to lean forwards then build on that and tell them that the harder they try to push against the wind the harder it seems to blow at them. Feed their physical responses back to them in a way that will enhance the feeling of 'pushing'.
If you haven't had a satisfactory response after about three or four minutes then it will probably not be worth continuing with the test. After that time fatigue in the legs will probably be the only reason why the subject begins to sway. However this test can be VERY effective and if you think that you have a good subject you may wish to take this test further as follows.
Continue to suggest that the wind is getting stronger and more blustery. Tell them that the harder they push the harder the wind will push. This may well result in the patient falling forwards (or backwards depending on your earlier decision). If you don't manage to induce a loss of balance but the effect does seem to be enhanced then it is probably because the subject is making compensations in their babalnce to try and stop themselves from falling over. If this is the case then suggest that when you clap your hands an ENOURMOUS gust of wind will simply push them flat. They will be unable to do anything about it except put their hand out in front of them and fall onto the gound. Then continue with the suggestions of increasing wind strength for a while longer, not giving any indication of when the 'strong gust' will arrive. Pick your moment and clap your hands once as sharply as possible. Prepare yourself as soon as you have done so and watch the subject's reaction. If they are into the imagery of the test then they will find themselve unable to keep their balance as you will suddenly have caught them off guard. They won't have enough time to make the usual compensations to their balance before they fall forwards. They may well realise that they have gone too far and open their eyes in a mild panic to try and do something about falling. Don't worry - just reach out and grab them before they fall and then settle them down into a chair to relax again.
If you are fortunate enough to induce such a positive response you may well have found a 'deep trance' subject. However if the response is not so favourable but still shows signs of a reation then you have probably found a 'meduim trance' subject or perhaps someone who is not necessarily very good at visualisation. Try a test that isn't quite so demanding on the imagination for example the simple Pendulum test.
Don't be discouraged by a poor result. Most important of all don't show the subject that you are disappointed in their response either as this will only serve to produce feelings of faliure in the subject which, in turn, will effect the outcome of further tests or an attempt at induction. Don't however lie about the findings of your test. Tell the subject that you feel they would be better suited to a more practical test or induction which doesn't involve such imagination intensive imagery. Build on negative responses by showing that you have learned more from them then you have lost.
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pickup lines
�
"Pardon me, but may I show you one way pork is acceptable during Passover?"
�"Hey those are great pants - do you think I could get into them?"
�"Is that a mirror in your pocket, 'cause i see myself in your pants
later
tonite..."
�"Is your dad a machanic, cause you got all the right parts."
�"Oh my gosh! I lost my phone number....Can I have yours?"
�man at table:so baby when do you get off?
waitress:oh around 10:30
man:can i watch?
�Guy to girl: "May i have your phone number?"
Girl : "sure you can read it off the phone in the morning."
"Hey Baby, are you into saving the environment????
Cuz, we can conserve water and shower together..."
�Dude: "Hey Baby, Buy you a drink?"
Chick: "Sure :)"
Dude: (Swing hip towards her) "Cool, The money's in my pocket."
�"Say...Didn't..No..Yeah! Didn't we have sex before?"
�"Hey Baby, if I told you I hated that dress, would you take it off?"
�If a girl asks, "Do you have the time?" You say, "Yea,
do you have the energy."
�"You've been a bad girl ...go to my room!"
�"You're so hot you make fire sweat!"
�"You may not like me now....but you're drinking BEER"
�"You know, you could use a little more protein in your diet....."
�"If beauty was crime, you'd be in for life...."
�"Wanna go halves on a baby?"
�"Hey there, how would you like to wear those clothes to work tomorrow?"
�"I love every muscle in your body .....especially mine"
�"I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I can make the BED ROCK."
�"If you were a booger, I would pick you first."
�"Those clothes are very becoming on you. Then again if I were on
you I'd be
cumming too!"
�"Baby, when you walked in the door, I damn near grew a third leg"
�"Told by a female to a male:
There are 3 ants in a jar. 1 female and 2 male. The female really wanted
to
get out of the the jar so she asked one of the ants "Do you know how
to get
out of this jar?"
He replied "I do! But if you really want to know you have to sleep
with me
first"
She agrees, sleeps with him and the next morning she asked him again, "Now
will you tell me how to get out of this jar!!!"
He replies "NO!!" so she eats him.
Now she asks the second ant "Do you know how to get out of this jar?"
He replies "Yes, but since you slept with him you have to sleep with
me then
I'll tell you"
She agrees, sleeps with him and the next morning asks him how to get out
of
the jar. He doesn't tell her so she eats him.
�So now tell me how does she get out of the jar?
Well if you don't know you are gonna have to sleep with me to find out!!!!!!"
�"I'm a lesbian in a mans body"
�"Hey baby wanna wrestle?"
�"Do you mind if I come onto you?"
�man getting a job application at an office:
man: hi, i'm interested in applying for a position here
secretary: what position are you interested in?
man: missionary.
�"I've got the F, the C, and the K. Now all i need is U."
�"I may not be the best looking one in here, but I'm the only one
talking to
you."
�"I couldn't help but notice I was staring at you...."
�"You like Pop Tarts?
Because that's what we're having for breakfast tomorrow."
�"Do you want a drink?
Well...get one for me while you're at it."
�"Hi...my name's -------.
remember it...you'll be screaming it later."
�"If I could be a tear...
to be born in your eye,
live on your cheek,
and die on your lips."
�"If he doesn't show...I'll be over here."
�"If you were in my dreams...I'd sleep forever."
�Grab the chicks nose then say "I got your nose and I'm not giving
it back
till I get your phone number."
�My uncle's favorite pick up line:
"So, are you in second or third grade next year?"
�"Hey Baby, I'm hung like a rhino and I suntan with only my socks
on."
�"Damn girl, you could knock the stuffin' off an egg McMuffin."
�"HI I AM THE ONE THAT HAS BEEN STALKING YOU FOR THE LAST YEAR AND
TRIED TO KILL
YOU 10 TIMES SO GO OUT WITH ME OR DIE."
�"Since we're both alone, why don't we 'pretend' to leave together?
That way�
no one will think we were rejected and to make it even MORE realistic,
you�
can come to my place!!"
�"If your left leg were Christmas, and your right leg were New Year's,
could I come up between the holidays?"
�"Would you mind if I think about you when I masturbate tonight?"
�"I've got a mosquito on my inner thigh. Will you slap it for me?"
�"Well, I know you're flexible, but can you put your head between
my legs?"
�"Let's go behind the trees and fuck like weasels!"
�"Hey babe, wanna sample my dna?"
�"Hey baby you must be a cambells soup girl, cause you look umm umm
good."
�"I've got a shiny new quarter hidden somewhere on my body...if you
can find
it you can keep it!!!!"
�Man- Do you want to play a game?
Woman- Sure...
Man- It's called Pearl Harbor, I lay down on the ground and you blow the
shit
out of me.
�"Hi, I've never done this before and I'm really nervous. I'm kind
of shy, but
I just saw you from across the room and you seem like the kind of person
it
might be nice to just sit down and say hello to. I mean, we could talk
about
our mutual interests, get to know each other, and then we could fuck."
�"What's a place like this doing around a girl like you?"
�"You're so sexy, you make my ovaries spit eggs!"
�"Hey, you know I paid for everything you drank tonight, don't you???"
�"My! You have the nicest teeth I've ever hoped to come across!"
�Do you want to see something swell?
�Wanna fuck like bunnies?
�Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
�Hey baby, let's go make some babies.
�At the office copy machine:
Reproducing eh? Can I help?
�From: MAD Magazine: Classic Flops
> Spring 1986.
�> > 9 Very Unsuccessful Pick-up Lines:
> ---------------------------------
> 1. "Would you like to see my boa constrictor?"
> 2. "Is that a false nose?"
> 3. "You look like a hooker I knew in Fresno."
> 4. "I'm drunk."
> 5. "Hi, my friends call me Creepy."
> 6. "Would you like to come to a party in my toolshed?"
> 7. "I just threw up."
> 8. "You're ugly but you intrigue me."
> 9. "I had to find out what kind of woman would go out dressed
> like that."
�> > Gee, you don't sweat much for a fat chick.
�> > > There's the old classic from the movie Fletch:
> (to woman in towel): Excuse me, could I borrow your towel? My car
just
> hit a water buffalo.
�> > Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.
�> > Take off that dress and fuck my brains out you cave newt.
�> > Let's take a shower together --you smell.
�> > Hey! Ya wanna try out my new 'Home Artificial Insemination Kit?'
�> > Top Ten Elf Pickup Lines
> 10. "I'm down here"
> 9. "Just because I've got bells on my shoes doesn't mean I'm
a sissy"
> 8. "I was once a lawn ornament for John Bon Jovi"
> 7. "I can get you off the naughty list"
> 6. "I have certain needs that can't be satisfied by working on
toys"
> 5. "I'm a magical being. Take off your bra."
> 4. "No, no. I don't bake cookies. You're thinking of those dorks
over
> at Keebler"
> 3. "I get a thimbleful of tequila in me and I turn into a wild
man"
> 2. "You'd look great in a Raggedy Ann wig"
> 1. "I can eat my weight in cocktail wieners"
> -- Late Night with David Letterman, from Michael Wertheim
�> All right, that's it, now get out
of here before anyone sees you.
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bla ..blallll ...kiddo rulesss!!!
| "No, Bodger, the quickest way to pick up a wench isn't to tell
her she's got a fine pair of melons." "But Longtoad swears it works for him, Grift." "Then Longtoad must be stone deaf, for that sort of remark won't work on any wenches I know." "What does then, Grift?" "Sophistication, Bodger. Sophistication. You go up to a wench, smile right nice and then say: how's about me and you doing a spot or rollickin'? I've had many women before and not one of them's complained." -- excerpt from "A Man Betrayed" |
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upPickup Lines that Work (and some that don't)
1. No, that's not a gun in my pocket. I am happy to see you.
2. Is that a tic-tac in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?
3. You look like a hooker I knew in Fresno.
4. I'm drunk.
5. I just threw up.
6. You're ugly but you intrigue me.
7. I had to find out what kind of woman would go out dressed like that.
8. You know, I'd really love to fuck your brains out, but it appears
someone beat me to it.
9. Are you wearing windex? I swear I can see myself in your pants.
10. They call me Milk, because I do your body good.
11. Hey baby, what winks and fucks like a tiger?
12. You sweat just like David Dinkins.
13. Your daddy must be a drug dealer cos you dope.
14. Well, fuck me if I'm wrong but is your name Bob?
15. If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
16. (Wait til the end of the evening when everything is real hazy and
alcohol soaked, walk up to someone you've never met and say, )
come on, we're leaving. (The key is to act like you know them.)
17. Does your ass still hurt from when you fell out of heaven?
18. Do you believe in love at first sight? If not, I'll walk by
again.
19. You don't sweat much for a fat girl.
20. (Lick your finger and touch the person, touch yourself with it and
say,) let's you and me get out of these wet clothes.
21. If I follow you home, will you keep me?
22. Was your father a thief? 'Cause someone stole the stars from
the sky and put them in your eyes.
23. Hey babe, can I tickle your belly button from the inside?
24. Do you want to fuck, or should I apologize?
25. That dress would look great on the floor next to my bed.
26. Let's take a shower together --you smell.
27. Yo, my friend likes you.
28. Nice titties.
29. Hey, sweet tits!
30. Do you want to see something swell?
31. Hey babe...do you realize that my mouth can generate over 750 psi?
32. Drop 'em!
33. Excuse me. Do you want to fuck or should I apologize?
34. Wanna fuck like bunnies?
35. Say, did we go to different schools together?
36. Why don't you come over here, sit on my lap and we'll talk
about the first thing that pops up?
37. I had a friend who used to hand out phone cards that said:
"Smile if you want to sleep with me."
And watch them try to hold back their laugh.
38. Hi, my name is {name}, how do you like me so far?
39. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
40. Would you like to dance or should I go fuck myself again?
41. Hey baby, let's go make some babies.
42. At the office copy machine. "Reproducing eh?"
"Can I help?"
43. Would you like Gin and platonic or do you prefer Scotch and
sofa?
44. I think we have to make love on the front lawn like crazed weasels
NOW!
45. Hey babe...can you suck a golf ball thru 50 feet of garden
hose?
46. Hey babe...can you suck start a Harley?
47. Motion with your finger for a girl to come over.
When she gets there say, "I knew if I fingered you long
enough you would cum."
48. Hey babe, how about a pizza and a fuck?
HEY! What's wrong, don't you like pizza?
49. A women asks, "Excuse me, do you have the time?"
You: "Do you have the energy?"
50. Hey babe, wanna get LUCKY!?
51. Say mother, want another? (if she has kids)
52. Bond. James Bond.
53. Do you spit or swallow?
54. You look like the type of girl that has heard every line in
the book. So what's one more?
55. Your place or mine?
56. Nice shoes, wanna fuck?
57. You have some nice jewelry. It would look great on my
nightstand.
58. Would you like to have morning coffee with me?
59. Your face or MINE!?
60. "Are you ready to go home yet?"
61. If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it
against me?
62. When she asks, for a match.
How about the hair on my head and the hair between your legs?
63. Nice tits. Mind if I feel them?
64. I love you. I want to marry you. Now fuck my brains out.
65. Forget that! Playing doctor is for kids! Let's play
gynecologist.
67. Wanna play carnival? You sit on my face and I guess how much
you weigh.
68. I wanna floss with your pubic hair.
69. I'm on fire. Can I run through your sprinkler?
70. I'd look good on you.
71. Excuse me, have I fucked you yet?
72. I'd give you a piece of my mind, but I have more of something
else.
73. I would kill or die to make love to you.
74. Sex is a killer...want to die happy?
75. I love every bone in your body - especially mine.
76. Hi, I make more money than you can spend.
77. HI! Can I buy you a car?
78. NOW, BITCH!
79. Fancy a fuck?
80. My face is leaving in 10 minutes. Be on it.
81. Should I call you in the morning or nudge you?
82. I'm new in town. Could you give me directions to your
apartment?
83. Look at the tag in her shirt and say:
"I want to see if you were really made in heaven."
84. Do I know you from somewhere, because I don't recognize you
with your clothes on?
85. You got nice breasts, but what color are your nipples? Brown
or Pink?
86. Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?
Have you ever had your belly-button licked?...(Yes)...From
the inside?
87. Your legs must be tired because you've been running through
my mind all night.
88. If your right leg was Christmas and your left leg was Easter,
would you let me spend some time up between the holidays?
89. Hi, how are you?
90. Really like your peaches, wanna shake your tree.
91. Hi, my name is {name}, I like peanut butter, wanna fuck?
92. I am a magical being, take off your bra.
93. Hey baby, wanna go halves on a bastard?
94. Do you know the essential difference between sex and
conversation? (No.) Do you wanna go upstairs and talk.
95. Hold out two fingers and say:
"Why should a women masturbate with these two fingers?"
(Idon't know.) "'Cause they're mine sweetheart."
back upCONTENTS
PICK-UP LINE HUMOR
PICK-UP REBUTTAL HUMOR
== PICKUP LINE HUMOR
I recently came across an interesting statistic:
Men who were successful when they used the pickup line "Hi":
71%
Women who were successful when they used the pickup line "Hi":
100%
He: I'm a really good cook!
She: What do you cook best?
He: Breakfast in bed! (grins)
What do you like for breakfast?
Let's do breakfast tomorrow. Should I call you or nudge you?
If I could rewrite the alphabet, I would put U and I together.
or
If I could rewrite the alphabet, I would put you between f and ck.
Nice dress/pants, can I talk you out of it?
What's your sign?
The best part of me is covered up.
(If wearing swim trunks, a bikini, or a skimpy outfit)
Overheard in our computer lab:
Just because your computers are incompatible, doesn't mean we are.
Is your daddy a thief?
No.
Then who stole those diamonds and put them in your eyes?
Your eyes are as blue as window cleaner.
Your eyes are as blue as my toilet water at home.
Guy goes up to a girl, licks his finger, touches her on the shoulder, and
then
touches himself (all this while she is watching him) and says:
How about you and I get out of these wet clothes?
It worked for him... :)
While we're on the subject of pickup lines, how about bad pickup lines?
The absolutely worst pickup line I've heard is:
I'm looking for a friend...do you want to be my friend?
Then again, I fell for it (she seemed like such a nice girl).
Mmmm, you bring new meaning to the word "edible".
Excuse me, but I DO think it's time we met.
She: I really enjoyed myself tonight.
He: I enjoyed myself too. Maybe sometime we can let our bodies enjoy each
other.
That dress would look awfully nice on my bedroom floor.
or
That miniskirt would look great crumpled up at the end of my bed.
or
That's a cute outfit. It would be even cuter wrinkled on my bedroom floor.
or
I think that shirt would look great on the carpet beside my bed.
Hey babe, do you realize that my mouth can generate over 750 psi?
Drop 'em.
Excuse me. Do you wanna fuck or should I apologize?
Say, didn't we go to different schools together?
Wanna fuck like bunnies?
Help, I'm lost. Which way is it to your house?
or
Hi, I'm new in town. Which way is it to your house?
Why don't you come on over here, sit on my lap, and we'll talk about the
first
thing that pops up?
I had a friend who used to hand out calling cards which said:
Smile if you want to sleep with me
then watch the victim try to hold back her smile...
Or he had cards that said:
Here I am, madly in love with you, on the verge of killing myself for your
love
and I don't even know your NAME__________ PHONE________
Hi, my name's Ron, how do you like me so far?
At the office copy machine:
"Reproducing, eh? Can I help?"
There's an aura about you that's hidden and I want to bring that aura out.
She (to passing man): Excuse me, do you have the time?
He: Do you have the energy?
What is your favorite position on extramarital sex?
Hey babe, wanna get LUCKY!?!?!!
Say mother! Want another? (if she has children)
Bond. James Bond.
Gosh, you're pretty/handsome!!!
Stand back, I'm a doctor. You go get an ambulance, I'll loosen her clothes.
Take a chance on me.
Your place or mine?
Your face or mine?
This is your lucky day, because I just happen to be single.
Would you like to have morning coffee with me?
Do you want to come back to my place and pet my dog/cat?
You have the ass of a great artist.
A friend of mine who walked up to a young lady in a club and simply asked,
"Are
you ready to go home now?" She smiled a bit, stood up, and they left
together.
If I told you that you have a nice body, would you hold _IT_ against me?
When asked for a match:
How about the hair on my head and the hair between your legs?
I love you. I want to marry you. Now fuck my brains out.
Forget that! Playing doctor is for kids! Let's play gynecologist.
I've gotta thirst, baby, and you smell like my Gatorade.
Wanna play carnival? That's where you sit on my face and I try to guess
your
weight.
I wanna floss with your pubic hair.
I'm on fire. Can I run through your sprinkler?
I'd look good on you.
I would kill or die to make love to you.
I would die happy if I saw you naked just once.
Sex is a killer...want to die happy?
Hi! Can I buy you a car?
NOW, BITCH!
Oh, I'm doing fine! And you?
(While looking at someone and waiting for them to say anything)
Aren't we supposed to get together for a candlelight dinner later tonight?
Hi, I just moved to this city and was wondering if you could recommend
a good
restaurant here. Would you also like to join me?
Fancy a fuck?
I had a wet dream about you last night. Would you like to make it a reality?
My face is leaving in 15 minutes. Be on it.
Excuse me, but would you like an orally stimulated orgasm?
It's always good for you to see me again.
The best pickup line I have ever heard and I have to admit it got my attention
was when I was out dancing one night and a guy came up to me and said:
Hey! I like your shoes! Do you like mine??
It worked and we are still friends today.
He: Have you ever had one of those fantasies where Greek gods feed you
these
little pickles?
She: No.
He: Well, I'll have to show you what one is like, but it will be only one
Greek
god (point to yourself, then look down at your crotch) and I won't be
feeding you little pickles.
Well, the worst pickup line I have ever heard (it was said to me) was:
I hate you...are you here with your friends?
I looked up the word "beautiful" in the thesaurus today, and
your name was
included.
Didn't I used to always pull on your ponytail in grammar school?
I have had a really bad day and it always makes me feel better to see a
pretty
girl smile. So, would you smile for me?
On the same note, one of my favorites (that I've never had the guts to
try) is
to walk up to a girl, put your hands on her shoulders, and say, "I'd
like to
get something straight between us." and then look at your (you know)......
Sit on my lap and we'll get things straight between us.
Wanna Dance?
No!
Wanna Drink?
No!
Wanna Fuck?
Yes (pause) but not with you
So, do you wanna see something really swell?
That girl/guy I'm with, oh, she's/he's just my sister/brother.
One of the worst pickup lines ever (most probably will get you slapped):
I had sex with someone last night. Was that you?
Another line that doesn't work:
Gee, you don't sweat much for a fat chick.
For a fat chick, you sure have small tits.
Do you take it up the bum? (This also does not work and can be painful)
Is that a doubleended dildo or are you just glad to see me?
Is that a tictac in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?
What did you say? Oh, I thought you were talking to me.
He: Have you got a little Irish/German/Spanish/Italian/etc in you?
She: Uh...no....
He: Well, do you want some?
What would you do if I kissed you right now?
Can I please be your slave tonight?
You should be someone's wife.
I have a single.
Hi, I'm a fashion photographer. Would you like to be in my next photo shoot?
You know, you're very easy on the eyes.
or (for the braver males)
You know, you're very easy on the eyes...and very hard on my erection.
Pardon me but I was just about to go home and masturbate and I was wondering
if
you'd mind if I fantasize about you?
Hi, do you know why you should masturbate with *these* two fingers?
(holding up any two)
Obvious reply: No, why?
Because they're mine.
I had a friend give a card that had on the front:
1 2 3 4
Pick a number
and then on the back of the card it read:
Sex maniacs always pick 3
you wouldn't believe how many women pick 3. It was a great card.
Wow! Are you really as beautiful as you seem or do you remind me of myself?
What can I do to make you sleep with me?
or (for a lighter touch)
What can I do to make you mine?
Pardon me miss, but I couldn't help noticing that you have cum in your
hair.
Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
Would you like to dance, or should I go fuck myself again?
When's our wedding date?
Hey baby, let's go make some babies.
Would you like Gin and platonic, or do you prefer Scotch and sofa?
From: MAD Magazine: Classic Flops Spring 1986.
9 Very Unsuccessful Pickup Lines:
1. Would you like to see my boa constrictor?
2. Is that a false nose?
3. You look like a hooker I knew in Fresno.
4. I'm drunk.
5. Hi, my friends call me Creepy.
6. Would you like to come to a party in my toolshed?
7. I just threw up.
8. You're ugly but you intrigue me.
9. I had to find out what kind of woman would go out dressed like that.
Excuse me, but did you happen to find my Congressional Medal of Honor?
or
Excuse me, but did you happen to find my Nobel Peace Prize?
He: Would you sleep with me for 20 million dollars?
She (sheepishly): Yes.
He: Well then, would you sleep with me for 20 cents?
She: No, what kind of woman do you think I am?
He: We've established what kind of woman that you are, we're just haggling
over the price.
You look more beautiful than Nurse Chapel.
Miss, if you've lost your virginity, can I have the box it came in?
If you spot a girl waiting in a restaurant/theater/club for someone, go
up to
her and say...
If he doesn't show up, I'll be right over here.
I think we must make love on the front lawn like crazed weasels NOW!
If this bar is a meat market, you must be the prime rib.
Walk over to a table occupied by ladies, whip out your willy and say:
Hey Charlie, see anyone here you recognize?
I require a tissue sample. May I sever a littleused portion of your body?
(brandish forceps)
Hey, wanna see my R2D2 impersonation? (Think about it...)
Hey baby...infect me!
Hey baby...can you suck the chrome off a bumper?!?
Hey baby...can you suck the chrome off a trailer hitch?
Hey baby...can you suck a golf ball through 50 feet of garden hose?
Hey baby...can you suck start a Harley?
I'll suck you so hard that you'll have to pick the sheets out of your ass
when
I'm finished.
Motion your finger to a girl to get her to come your way. When she arrives
say, "I knew if I fingered you long enough, you would come."
or
"Do you always come when someone fingers you?"
Picture this, you, me, bubble baths, and a bottle of champagne.
I saw you at the party last weekend and you look kind of interesting...
Let's meet sometime...
God must have been in a very good mood the day we met.
I've had quite a bit to drink, and you're beginning to look pretty good.
Would you like someone to mix with your drink?
The front reads:
++
|No Phone No Business|
| |
| |
| |
| |
| No Name |
| |
| |
| |
| |
|No Address No Money|
++
And the back reads:
++
| I'M A SILENT SEDUCER |
| |
|Any chance to crawl in the sack with|
|you tonight? If so, just keep the |
|card; if not, kindly return it |
|because they are expensive. I'm not|
|as good as I once was. But I'm good|
|once as I ever was! |
| |
|P.S. You don't have to say yes |
| Just Smile!|
++
No, I'm not a cop. What can I get for fifty bucks?
Be unique and different, say yes.
Will you marry me and have my children? (unfortunate sideeffects: beware!)
If you ever want to see your children again, you'll do what I want.
You're hitchhiking across the Mojave Desert? Alone?
Do you believe in the hereafter? Well, then I guess you know what I'm here
after.
I'm really sorry about Al. It was a lovely funeral. You look ravishing
in black,
did you know that? What you need now is a nice backrub. Are the straps
too
tight, darling? How tragic. How very, very tragic.
Inheriting eighty million bucks doesn't mean much when you have a weak
heart.
It's absolutely pure Bolivian. And I don't *give* it away.
Hello, Susie. Your mom couldn't make it this afternoon, she asked me to
pick
you up and take you home. My, what a pretty dress.
You know, I'd really love to fuck your brains out, but it appears someone
beat
me to it.
Would you like to be in movies?
Excuse me, do you live around here often?
Excuse me, I'm a little short on cash, would you mind if we shared a cab
home
together?
Would you like to see a baby picture of me?
(Shows the girl the picture of a baby better endowed that most men.)
Hello, love, do you spit or swallow?
You look like the type of girl who has heard every line in the book ...
So what's one more??
Hey babe, did you know I'm on the Harvard Mailing List?
What's your sign?
And a subtle approach:
Excuse me, but you have a beep on your nose.
What?
(reach up and gently squeeze her nose) BEEP.
(If she laughs, she's yours; if she looks at you funny, apologize.)
Nice shoes. Wanna fuck?
Follow these instructions:
1: Make sure that you are in the front of the person you're trying to attract.
2: Put your hands in a vertical plane and separate your hands to the proper
distance you want to get across.
3: Look at the person of your affections and with a eartoear grin, shake
your
head up and down as to reply that you're this big!
Whatever you do, don't ever cut that silky hair of yours!
There's the old classic from the movie "Fletch" (to girl in towel):
Excuse me, could I borrow your towel? My car just hit a water buffalo.
She: What do you think of this (dress, sweater, article of clothing)?
He: I like nothing better.
Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.
I want to bear all your children. (to a woman)
Shall we talk or continue flirting from a distance?
That's a nice dress. Can I talk you out of it?
Take off that dress and fuck my brains out, you cave newt.
Did you know that the word 'motel' spelled backwards means 'letom'?
Nice tits. Mind if I feel them?
Let's take a shower together, you smell.
You smell wet. Let's party.
May I end this sentence with a proposition?
I've got an itch, honey. Lower. Lower. In. Out.
If I was Elvis, would you screw me?
I want to thank you for [insert any event here], grab your ankles bitch!
If you want me, don't shake me, or wake me, just take me.
Want to see my stamp collection?
Want to come see my hard drive? I promise it isn't 3.5 inches and it ain't
floppy.
Don't you know me from somewhere?
Didn't anyone tell you that you wanted to sleep with me?!?! I thought you
knew..
At the dinner table, (if you eat together) pick up the bread and say, "Wanna
roll?"
Excuse me, have I fucked you yet?
Congratulations! You've been voted "Most Beautiful Girl In This Room"
and the
grand prize is a night with me!
I'd give you a piece of my mind, but I've got more of something else.
Ever tried those weird prickly condoms? (sure to get responses)
Funny you should mention that, I was a gynecologist once.
Cold outside, isn't it? (staring at breasts)
Actually, ma'am, ah'm not as tall as you think. Ah'm from Taixus, and ah'm
sittin' on mah wallet.
Hey! Ya wanna try out my new 'Home Artificial Insemination Kit?'
I am writing a new algorithm, and I need some test data. What are your
measurements?
I have some hard code I want to try your compiler on.
Top Ten Elf Pickup Lines
10. I'm down here.
9. Just because I've got bells on my shoes doesn't mean I'm a sissy.
8. I was once a lawn ornament for John Bon Jovi.
7. I can get you off the naughty list.
6. I have certain needs that can't be satisfied by working on toys.
5. I'm a magical being. Take off your bra..
4. No, no. I don't bake cookies. You're thinking of those dorks over at
Keebler
3. I get a thimbleful of tequila in me and I turn into a wild man.
2. You'd look great in a Raggedy Ann wig.
1. I can eat my weight in cocktail wieners.
-- Late Night with David Letterman, from Michael Wertheim
Stare at a guy/girl for a long time, and when he/she notices for the second
or
third time, go up to him/her and say...
I'm sorry for staring at you, but you look very much like someone I used
to
date.
Sometimes it can be helpful to start with a complement. Example: after
"accidently" bumping her boobs, noticing a loose button, etc.,
say, "If they
weren't sooo large, it wouldn't have happened."
Hey, somebody farted. Let's get out of here.
The most common pickup line used in a gay bar:
May I push in your stool?
I have only three months to live (heard it in a movie; of course, this
was all
before AIDS)
or
I'm filthy rich and have only six weeks to live. Will you help me make
these
next few weeks the happiest days of my life?
Love is like a rug. So you can walk all over me and lie on me.
Excuse me, miss, do you give head to strangers?
No.
Well, then, allow me to introduce myself.
Chicks dig me. I wear colored underwear.
Excuse me, is it true that you're a sexual tyrannosaurus?
I'm a copilot for American Airlines.
Hi, I make more money than you can spend.
Excuse me, do you have change for a $100 bill?
Excuse me, but weren't you Shirley MacLaine in a past life?
Excuse me, but weren't we blissfully married in a past life?
Lines by women:
Please may I rest my head on your shoulder?
Do you know how to use this? (holding up a vibrator)
How about a night of passion in Doncaster?
He: What was that?
She: What was what?
He: That sound.
She: I didn't hear anything.
He: It was the sound of my heart breaking.
You've got the whitest teeth I've ever come across.
Weren't you a woman the last time we met?
Do you have room in your life for a new friend?
Do you sleep on your stomach?
No.
Can I?
The only reason that I would kick you out of be would be to fuck you on
the
floor.
Hey baby, I want to lick your thighs.
Gorgeous hair. But it'd be even better brushing against my thighs.
Approach a girl and say, "Do you like jewels."
Then lob your dick out and say, "Suck this, it's a gem!
Or do you like chicken? Suck this, it's pretty foul!
Or do you like pork? Suck this, it's dripping!"
That's a nice smile you've got, shame that's not all you're wearing.
What nice legs you've got. I wouldn't mind wearing them as a belt, or neck
tie
if you prefer.
Just where do those legs of yours end?
Are your legs tired because you've been running through my mind all day?
Nice socks. Can I try them on after we have sex?
Uh, oh. My parents met at a place like this. Let's get the hell out of
here.
Female to guy: Hi, you look like a real wanker. (pause for effect)
The guys usually spend so much time trying to convince you that they're
not a
"wanker" (that ego thingy) that in the end, they are trying to
pick *you* up!
A snake charmer!
Hi, I work as a raw meat inspector. Let's go to your place for an inspection.
Want a break tonight?
You're the spitting image of my dead girlfriend.
One pickup line that might get a laugh, if nothing else, is:
Pardon me, but what pickup line works best with you?
You look just like my mother.
My leech would like you as a new host.
I think my medication is wearing off.
You MUST have a nice personality.
Does my breath smell okay?
Pull my finger.
He: You look like my third wife.
She: Oh, how many time have you been married?
He: Twice.
Hi, my name's Dave. Remember it, you'll be screaming it later tonight!
Perhaps use this line at a business dinner on someone whom you've been
eyeing
since this afternoon at the business meetings...
Let's talk about 'early retirement.'
You are so beautiful, that I would crawl ten miles on my hands and knees
through broken glass, just to jerk off in your shadow.
You are so beautiful that I would crawl ten miles on my hands and knees
through
broken beer bottles just to sniff the tire tracks of the laundry truck
that
takes your panties to the cleaners.
I'd drag my balls through a mile of broken glass, followed by a mile of
hot
coals, just to chase a laundry truck that MIGHT have your dirty underwear
on
board.
Here's your chance to get to know me.
I love every bone in your body. Especially mine!
or
I love every muscle in your body. Especially mine!
There is much more here than what meets the eye.
Do you mind if I stare at you up close instead of from across the room?
You are the reason men fall in love.
I bet I could guess your weight if you sat on my face.
Ohhh, what a man...I bet you do real well with the ladies.
Nothing like a man who knows how to whisper sweet "nothings".
How much do you weigh, Debbie? C'mere, pull up a seat!
Are you free tonight or will it cost me?
Got a soggy bun for a lonely weenie?
Hey, come here often? You could, with me.
You know, you might be asked to leave soon. You're making the other women
(or
men) look really bad.
I'm new in town. Could you give me directions to your apartment?
If you happen to meet a girl while she is shopping for a new outfit:
Do you know what would look absolutely terrific on you? Me.
How about a pizza and a fuck? Hey!!! Don't you like pizza?
Want to go get a pizza and then screw?
He: Hey! How about we go to my house, have some pizza, beer, and a fuck?
She: (grimaces)
He: What's the matter? Don't like pizza?
So, howzabout the two of us going back to my place and you run your fingers
through the hair on my back?
He: Hi, what's the color of your hair?
She: (tells him)
He: And the hair on your head?
He: Excuse me, want to dance?
She: No.
He: Maybe you didn't hear me... I said you look really fat in those pants!
Gee...you sure don't perspire much!
I'm sensing the intense feeling you have for me...is it my cologne?
or
I'm sensing the intense feeling you have for me...is it my deodorant?
Screw me if I am wrong, but you want to fuck me, don't you?
You're the one I've been saving this drink/seat/ticket to Hawaii/whatever
for.
Is your dad a baker?
No.
If not, where did you get those buns?
Boy, it sure is hot and stuffy in here. Would you like to take a cold shower?
Are you incredibly beautiful, or is it just my chemotherapy?
Oh no, I'm choking! I need mouth to mouth, quick!
Oh excuse me! I thought you were a moose.
Ya know, if we cut your arms off, you'd look just like Venus de Milo.
Do you always eat like that?
Your body is like a haiku in motion.
You know, I'm not just an interesting person, I have a nice body, too.
What's a slut like you doing in a classy joint like this??
Hey, baby, wanna lock crotches and swap gravy?
Did you hurt yourself when you fell from heaven?
What screws like a tiger and winks? (follow it up with a wink)
What is a classy place like this doing around a girl like you?
So there you are! I've been looking all over for YOU, the girl of my dreams!
Fuck me if I am wrong, but haven't we met before?
or
Fuck me if I am wrong, but your name is Gertrude right?
or
Fuck me if I am wrong, but you look like you want to kiss me.
You make my softwear turn to hardwear!
Are those fuck me eyes, or fuck you eyes?
Perhaps you recognize me from one of the popular adult movies I was in.
I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.
He: 'Ello Darlin', fancy a fuck?
She: No!
He: Do you mind lying down while I do?
I would say that I'm in love with you, but you'd think I'm trying to pull
a
fast one.
Laugh if you will, but this one did actually work, when I tried it on a
girl
after a night of countless failures:
Hi, I just wanted to give you the satisfaction of turning me down; go ahead
say no.
Turn to the girl sitting next to you at the bar and say, "I'm not
really this
tall....I'm sitting on my wallet."
May I have the distinguished honor and privilege of sitting next to you?
I'm trying to determine after years of therapy and lots of testing, whether
or
not I'm allergic to sex.
He: You're gorgeous. I'd really love to invite you out sometime.
She: No, thanks.
She: Aw, c'mon! Lower you're standards a little. *I* did...
Gal:
He: I guess a blow job is out of the question, then?
Wait until it gets near last call in a bar. Find the drunkest looking woman
in
the place, walk up to her, and say, "Okay, let's go home..."
Always take a screw with you and put it in your pocket.
Then, when a girl comes up to you, offer her the screw and say, "Wanna
screw?"
Guy walks up to a girl in bar, slides his arm around her. She looks at
him as
he says, "Hi Kate." She says, "I'm not Kate." His hand
slips lower as he
says, "But you sure feel like her."
As long as I have a face, you'll have a place to sit.
Look at the tag on the back of a girl's shirt. When she turns around, say,
"Just checking to see if you were made in heaven."
Hey baby are you wearing your space underwear tonight? Because your ass
is out
of this world!
Excuse me, do you have a quarter I can borrow?
What for?
I told my mother that I would call her when I fell in love with the girl
of my
dreams!
or
I want to call your mother and thank her for having such a gorgeous child!
Hi, I need your help! My mom says that if I don't get a date by tomorrow,
she's putting me up for adoption.
You know, my mother says you have the smoothest complexion of anyone she
knows.
Is it hot in here, or is it just you?
Didn't I see you on the cover of Vogue?
Grab them in the rump and ask, "Pardon me, is this seat taken?"
(I did that in bed last week, and she said "Yeah, I'm sitting on it".
Okay, so
it doesn't work 100% of the time)
Hi. Do you come here often? (Say it to a waitress that you find attractive.)
Do you have a mirror in your pocket?
No, why?
Because I can sure see myself in your pants!
Was your father a welder?
No, why?
Because those sure are acetylene tits!
Which is easier? Getting into those tight pants or getting out of them?
A man approached me at a bar and asked me if my feet hurt. I looked at
him
strangely and said, "No, why". He replied, "because you
are obviously an angel
who has just decended onto this earth and you are used to flying, and not
walking"
OH PLEASE!!! (It didn't work)
I was walking down a street and a man stopped his car and said, "I
think you
would look especially beautiful with your eyes closed (dramatic pause)
in my
bed"
Once someone said to me, "You have such beautiful long blonde hair,
it would
look lovely spread across my pillow."
I've been noticing you not noticing me.
Are you cold? You should be; you've been naked in my mind all night.
I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
You're so hot you melt the plastic in my underwear.
Would you be my love buffet? So I can lay you out on the table and take
what I
want?
Let's go to my place and do the things I'll tell everyone we did anyway.
The word of the day is "legs." Let's go back to my place and
spread the word.
Can I flirt with you?
All those curves, and me with no brakes.
Excuse me, can you give me directions?
To where?
To your heart.
I miss my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
So... How am I doin'?
(Tap your thigh) You just think this is my leg.
Top Ten PickUp Lines From The American Revolution
10. Hey, baby, my musket's loaded. Got a target?
9. Hey, baby, wanna play "Paul Revere" and ride my pony?
8. Hey, baby, I'm Thomas Paine.
7. I got your "Sovereign Nation."
6. You're suspected for sedition, so I've gotta pump you for information.
5. The British are coming, so why ain't we?
4. I'm into life, liberty, and the pursuit of a good piece of ass.
3. Wanna get tarred and feathered?
2. Who needs liberty when you've got libido?
1. You wanna Minute Man?
Top Ten Sleaziest Pickup Lines
10. Like the look of your crotch.
9. I'd like to name a multiple orgasm after you.
8. I've got a condom with your name on it.
7. Hi, I'm a tawdry slut looking for a good time.
6. Can you believe it? It's been more than fifteen minutes since I've had
sex.
5. My friend and I made a bet and I need to check if those are implants.
4. I know a charming little motel with a cheap hourly rate.
3. I'd love to swap bodily fluids with you.
2. Erections like these don't grow on trees you know.
1. You know, doggystyle isn't passe anymore.
Heard while on spring break:
You know, I'd fuck you so hard you'd learn from it.
Another spring break try:
Hypothetically speaking, if I were to fuck you, would you let me?
Say, I hear chicks dig lava lamps...
Excuse me, mind if I stare at you for a minute? I want to remember your
face
for my dreams.
Guy: What's your name?
Girl: Danielle
Guy: Oh... I thought it was Aphrodite.
I'm a starving artist and I want to eat you.
A: You are a real social butterfly.
B: Huh. More like, a caterpillar.
A: Well, wanna get to the fertility stage?
You are the proof that God has a sense of humor.
Don't ever try this.
Me: So...what do you study?
She: Genetics. Breeding different animals and such.
Me: Like, humans and chimpanzees?
She: Yes (Cozying up to another guy) Bobby here was my first subject.
Me: I see. So...who is the human and who is the chimpanzee?
(I enter an open party at the home of an attractive girl)
She: You look sharp
Me: Justifiably so. When arriving at the altar of the goddess, one needs
to be
in his best attire.
My name is Jeffrey Dahmer and you would make a fine dessert
== PICKUP REBUTTAL HUMOR ===============================================
A man walks up and says, "Haven't we met before?"
Say, "Yes, I'm
In the department "nice turn downs" there's this one:
I'll have to think about that, thinking makes me tired, when I'm tired
I want
to sleep, not make love, so let's not, okay?
He: So, wanna go back to my place?
She: Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?
He: I'd really like to get into your pants.
She: No thanks. There's already one asshole in there.
The most memorable rebuttal to a turn down (used by the guy who used to
live
across the hall from me in residence) when he asked a girl to dance and
she
refused was:
Don't thank me, thank God somebody asked you. (In reply to No, thank you).
He: I'd like to call you. What's your number?
She: It's in the phone book.
He: But I don't know your name.
She: That's in the phone book too.
There's always Harlan Ellison's great failure:
Q: Wha'dya say to a little fuck?
A: Go away, little fuck.
He: So what do you do for a living?
She: Female impersonator.
He: You know, I'd really love to travel to exotic places with you.
She: (tries to ignore him)
He: You know what? I also love sex. What do you say to that?
She: Hmmm...you really love sex and travel?
He: (nods his head smiling)
She: Then go take a fuckin' hike!!!
I like the line I once heard in a movie. This guy was trying to pick up
this
girl, and she said to him, "Can you pound a railroad spike through
a 2x4 with
your hardon?" To which he merely shudders a negative. She says, "Well,
a
girl's gotta have her standards."
Voulezvous vous coucher avec moi ce soir?
(Would you like to go to bed with me tonight?)
Je voudrais bien, mais je n'ai rien a porter.
(I would love to, but I have nothing to wear.)
Q: What sign were you born under?
A: No Parking.
A guy comes up to a girl and tells her some pickup line. She grabs his
crotch,
looks down at it, looks back at him, and says, "Sorry, I don't see
any
potential here" and nonchalantly walks off.
And here's one including the correct snappy return
He: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
She: Unfertilized, fuck off!
After hearing a pickup line:
I like your approach, now let's see your departure.
A girlfriend of mine once had a graying man in his 60's approach her in
a club
while she was in college with the line, "Where have you been all my
life?" She
took one glance at him and said, "For the first half of it, I wasn't
even born
yet."
A friend of mine came up with a very quick response over vacation. We were
walking down the street and I glanced at a girl who had just walked by.
She
turned around and said to me, "What are you looking at?" My friend,
walking
next to me came to the rescue, "He thought you were good looking,
but he was
mistaken."
Man: Come sit on my face!
Woman: Why? Is your nose longer than your dick?
Man: No, your cunt smells better than your breath!
While at college, a few friends were discussing how their "passes"
had been
rejected by the intended female receiver. One of the ladies explained how
she
handled it once...
When the guy, obviously getting irritated, blurted out something like,
"Hey,
come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason!" She responded,
"Yea! Let's pick up come chicks!"... He immediately blanched,
and decided
that maybe he would look someplace else.
The attractive young woman was sitting at the bar, alone, when the lounge
lizard made his move. "I'm here," he breathed huskily, "to
fulfill your every
sexual fantasy."
The woman turned and looked at him. Her lips parted and she moistened them
with the tip of her tongue. She leaned toward him with her hands on her
thighs
, and her eyes opened to the size of dinner plates. She paused just a second
and then delivered the crusher line, "You've got a large donkey or
Doberman?"
The guy turned as green as his golf slacks and slipped away without a word.
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The Best Pickup Lines Known To Man
/***** orstcs:net.singles / rayssd!wjr / 5:27 am Jan 30, 1984*/
Surprise...its early...
Well...here are the results you've been waiting for:
From "My Blue Heaven"
Vincent Antonelli: You know, it's dangerous for you to be here in the
frozen food section.
Shaldeen: Why is that?
Vincent Antonelli: Because you could melt all this stuff...
Not, I hope, famous, but right up there on the list of most obnoxious:
"So,
how long have you been on *this* merry-go-round?"
While at the Summer Nationals held at Englishtown last summer, I had this
one
pulled on me:
"Do you have a light?"
(as in matches or a cigarette lighter)... although he should have made
sure
he didn't have a pack of matches stuck in the cellophane of his cigarette
pack...that made it a bit obvious.
I must admit, he was the nicest "pickup" I have ever met, and
we are meeting
again this year at Englishtown (same place...next year?)
After going to the trouble of thinking up an original opening line, the
most
common responses are:
"Do you come here often?"
and
"Where do you live?"
My favorite "famous line" is one that appeared in this very newsgroup
some
months ago:
"I'd really like to lick apricot brandy out of your navel."
Other opening lines that I have heard recently (that are famous or
near-famous):
"Hi. I'm Big Brother. I've been watching you..."
"Where have you been all my life?"
And one that I used recently, as I was standing next to a woman looking
out
the window at Rochester's first snowstorm:
"Would you like to join me in the Bahamas next week?"
My only defense is that it was said in a way that made it clear that I
wasn't
serious and that seemed like the thing to say at the time... (She said
yes, by
the way).
"Would you like to see my Congressional Medal of Honor?"
...then, after fumbling with finding it,
"Oops! I must have left it at home."
This can only be used in certain situations, but it worked on me: "You
shouldn't run around looking like that or one of us sex-starved young men
might
attack you." This was said with a grin. I was wearing a halter top
with a
blouse open over it and jeans. He didn't attack, but we ate dinner together
and were good friends through college.
Think you can dance in those shoes? (Nice, macho line. Works best on mean
women you've seen once or twice before, instead of "Have I seen you
somewhere?")
Ok, you can stand next to me, as long as you don't talk about the heat!
(From "Body Heat". Perfect if you've obviously gone waaay out
of your way to
talk to a woman standing somewhere else.)
Did you have a color television when you were a kid? (Flesh this out with
the old "settle an argument" trick, ask her what color Fred Flintstone's
dog
Dino is. This has *never failed* to generate further conversation.)
You're "no parking", aren't you? (Another two-parter. Explain
that you're
trying to guess her sign. This is so stupid that it's almost bulletproof
in
the right kind of bars.)
Excuse me, I don't want you to think I'm ridiculous or anything, but you
are
the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. I just felt like I had to tell
you.
(Then walk away!! Casual sincerity is crucial. Next time you walk by, you
can
go for something mundane: "What's your name, occupation, have you
lived in
fooville long, etc". This works best on well-scrubbed ex-cheerleader
types.)
The cutest one I've ever gotten (from my current girlfriend) was after
our
first date. She got up and turned off the light, and then said,
"Why don't you surprise your roommate and not come home tonight?"
One that I'm stealing from "Red Bricks", an op-ed comic strip
formerly seen
at Purdue, is:
"What's your blood type?"
"I'm into semiology. What's your sign?"
My favorite lines:
In the produce department, "How can you tell if these things are
ripe?"
At the laudromat, "How much bleach should I put in with my good suit?"
"You don't sweat much for a fat girl."
"Hey, doll, is this guy boring you? Try me instead! I'm from a different
planet!" -Zaphod Beeblebrox, Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy.
Once, I was in a coffee shop and while the waitress was pouring my cup
of
coffee she said, "Say when." Response: "As soon as I finish
this coffee." All
it got me was a nasty look.
I liked the pick up lines used in the movie Gregory's Girl:
"You know when you sneeze, it comes out of your nose at a hundred
miles per
hour. Choo! just like that." and, "D'ya know how they make veal?
They hang
babay calves upsode down and slit them from top to bottom and let the blood
drip out."
Needless to say, both were useless.
We musn't forget the one used by Les Nessman in WKRP: "Hi, I'm incredibly
rich."
Well, ok, I'll tell a story on myself. I once had a lover confide to me
that
she had had many men tell her that she had a beautiful smile, but that
I was
the first to tell her she had a "terrific grin". I guess it worked!
overheard in a rural bar:
"Hey, I know you! You were Miss Ohio last year, weren't you?"
overheard on a NYC street:
"Wow, I like your jeans. Did you design them yourself?"
"What a lovely dog! Does it have a phone?"
The next one maybe doesn't qualify, except as a counterexample. College
cafeteria, enormeously long tables with benches for seating 40 on each
side.
Girl alone at one end of bench, no one else sitting at either side of the
table. Prospective picker upper(?) approches, carrying tray with lunch.
-"Excuse me, is this seat free?" Girl looks slowly over him,
from head to toe,
waits till he's almost ready to put tray down. -"No." Girl lowers
her eyes back into book.
"Lie down; I think I love you."
"Want to go to my place for some data? 1600 BPI -- the good stuff!"
Gee, you look like my sister
For example, if you are italian, you would say:
Want a little italian in you?
Holds true for whatever ethnic group you belong to.
'Course there's always "Your face or mine?"
What's a nice girl like you doing on a face like this?
We at the NA40 Institue for Advanced Research in Pop Culture have come
up with the following classick lines:
If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
I can sense that you're a terrific lover, and it intimidates me a little.
Let's have breakfast together; shall I call you or nudge you?
If I weren't so romantic, I'd shoot you.
I can't help noticing that you left your peas.
The first time I saw you, I could sense that there was a strong emotional
bond between the two of us.
Isn't my father your tax attorney?
I bet you have delicious thighs.
If you went swimming with me, I'd lick you dry.
Do you believe in love at first sight? How about the synchronocity of multiple
orgasms?
You've got the bluest eyes I've ever seen.
My lenses turn dark in the sunshine of your love. [from the forthcoming
album]
My friend and I have a fifty-cent bet that you won't take off your blouse
in a
public place.
I only have a month to live, and I feel like I've never really lived before.
My appendix is about to burst, would you drive me to the hospital?
I've just received government funding for a four-hour expedition to find
your
G-spot.
Not only am I rude and tasteless and trying to get you into bed, but I'm
also
being paid for it.
Can you believe that just a few hours ago we'd never even been to bed together?
Have you ever had sex underwater?
You look remarkably like our gardener.
Shall I wait for you in my car or will the closet suffice?
I know a great way to burn off the 300 calories in that pastry you just
ate.
I'm learning Latin; would you like to come home with me and help me practice
oral declinsions?
Nothing you've ever done before counts. The only thing that matters now
is
that we're together.
I've been slightly depressed ever since my vasectomy.
Do you wanna fuck or do you have herpes?
You look nice and clean.
You've got nice tits; wanna fuck?
Alex Stein
Dave Niguidula
Eric Wolf
Bill Petty
Becca Clark
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Welcome to Slurpy's
Bad pickup Lines Page... If you like this page please spread the word and
visit my web-site
(there's lotsa other funny crap there!).. and if u know of a bad pickup
line not listed here, please submit it at the bottom
of the page along with your email address. Go see the Top
five pickup lines. And tell me what sux about
this page.
Please vote for your favorite pickup line by clicking
the box on the left of the pickup line, then hitting the submit button
at the bottom of the list.
The top 10 leaders are;
| Pickup line | # of Votes | ||
|---|---|---|---|
| 1 |
|
"Nice shoes, Wanna fuck?" | 25 |
| 2 |
|
"[motion for girl to come here with one finger] `If I can make you come with this finger, imagine what I could do wish all five!'" | 13 |
| 3 |
|
"Hey baby, why don't you sit on my lap, and we'll talk about the first thing that POPS up" | 11 |
| 4 |
|
"fuck me if I'm wrong...but havent we meet before" | 8 |
| 5 |
|
"I may not be Fred Flinstone but i sure can make your bed rock" | 8 |
| 6 |
|
"[check tag on girl's shirt]"Just as I thought, Made in Heaven"" | 6 |
| 7 |
|
"Why don't you come over and we can do math in the bed; add the bed, subtract the clothes, devide the legs and I'll mulitiptly" | 6 |
| 8 |
|
"[Wet your finger and touch girls/guys shirt]"Let's get you out of those WET clothes!"" | 5 |
| 9 |
|
"I lost my phone number, can I borrow yours?" | 5 |
| 10 |
|
"I wanna use your thighs as earmuffs" | 5 |
Got a pickup line u really like?? Add it here by putting in your email
address (or URL) (this will be linked to when pickup line is added) below,
and it should be added by the end of the week.
NOTE: Be sure to Check the list before adding anything!
Please email me or fill out the
form below... This is to make this page better... thanx...
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