9/14/99
~~~~~~~~~~
I've learned- that two people can screw the exact same
person and compare notes.
~~~~~~~~~
I've learned- that no matter how you try to
protect your children, they will eventually get arrested
and end up in the local paper.
=============
Little Johnny came in from playing one day and asked his
mother if there was a such thing as boy grasshoppers.
Johnny's mother replied, "Of course dear, why do you ask?"
Little Johnny with a puzzled look on his face then asked
"Is there a such thing as girl grasshoppers?"
Knowing a 5 year-old wouldn't understand anything about the
birds and the bees, Johnny's mother replied "no honey."
"OK, just wondering" Johnny said as he smiled and walked
out the door, clapping his hands and yelling "FAGGOTS,
FAGGOTS!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
JOINING NUDIST COLONY! MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER $300
~~~~
A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for
Christmas. A friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one
of those sporty 4-Wheel drive vehicles."
"She did," he replied. "But where in the heck was I gonna
find a fake Jeep?"
************
A newly married couple was walking along in their village along a
winding country road. The husband had been trying to figure out a
way to approach his new wife for sex, since they hadn't yet
consummated their vows and the sexual tension was beginning to be more
than he could handle.
As they walked, they came across a cow and a bull engaged in the act
of reproduction.
The husband leaned over to his new bride and whispered in her ear;
"Darling, would you like me to do what the bull is doing?"
"Do what you want," she says, "but take care, since that is not our
cow."
9/13/99
--------------------------------------------------
A big, burly man visited the pastor's home and asked to see
the minister's wife, a woman well known for her charitable
impulses.
"Madam," he said in a broken voice, "I wish to draw your
attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this
district. The father is dead, the mother is too ill to
work, and the nine children are starving. They are about to
be turned into the cold, empty streets unless someone pays
their rent, which amounts to $400."
"How terrible!" exclaimed the preacher's wife. "May I ask
who you are?"
They sympathetic visitor applied his handkerchief to his
eyes. "I'm the landlord," he sobbed.
----------
A rather confident man, walks into a bar and takes a seat
next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick
glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running
late?"
"No", he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art
watch and I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch?
What's so special about it?"
"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he
explains.
"What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken
then, because I am wearing panties!"
And the man starts tapping on the watch face and says,
"Damn thing must be an hour fast!"
=====
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up
in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all
day. --Frank Sinatra
=========
What's black & white and tells the pope to FUCK OFF?
A nun that's just won the lottery.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
9/11/99
---------------
There was a middle-aged couple who had two stunningly
beautiful blonde teen-aged daughters. They decided to try
one last time for the son they always wanted.
After months of trying, the wife became pregnant and sure
enough, nine months later delivered a healthy baby boy. The
joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He
took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he
has ever seen.
He went to his wife and said that there was no way that he
could be the father of that child. "Look at the two
beautiful daughters I fathered." Then he gave her a stern
look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?"
The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time.
----------------------------------------------------------------
"Why is it," queried the young man, "every time I go out
with you, I end up spending hundreds of dollars?"
"Because, genius," came the wise retort, "I'm a prostitute."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
a classis:
The Roman Catholic Church is in fianncial trouble
and the Pope goes to the Mafia for a loan. However, before
they'll make the loan the Godfather demands the Pope do
something to prove he will make good on the loan.
The Godfather tells him he must make love to a woman while
witnesses watch. The Pope protests, but eventually he
realizes it's the only way to get the money, so he acquiesces
on three conditions.
The Pope says, "First dis'a woman she musta be blind so she
canna no see who is makin thisa love to her."
"Okay, done." says the Godfather.
"Number two," says the Pope, "she musta be deaf so she canna
no hear who is a makin thisa love to her."
The Godfather agrees and asks, "And number three, Padre?"
The Pope grins and says, "She musta hava bigga tits!"
=============
A priest gets a flat tire fixed. As the car's coming down on the lift, the
priest asks the mechanic, "Are the lug nuts tight?"
The mechanic says, "Tight as a nun's pussy."
The priest frowns and says, "You better give them another turn then."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This fellow was walking down the street, when he
met his buddy. His buddy had two black eyes, so he said to
him, "How did you get those two black eyes "? to which his
buddy replied, "Well, we were in church Sunday, and when we
stood up to sing a hymn, the lady in front of me had her
dress stuck up in her buns. So, being the gentleman I am, I
reached down, and pulled the dress free. She turned around,
and hit me between the eyes."
His friend said, "You mean to tell me that woman
hit you so hard it blacked both eyes ?" "No, said his
friend, but when we stood back up to sing another hymn, I
tucked it back up in there for her."
===============
"My God! What happened to you?" the bartender asked Kelly as he
hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.
"I got in a tiff with Riley."
"Riley? He's just a wee fellow," the barkeep said, surprised. "He
must have had something in his hand."
"Aye, that he did," Kelly said. "A shovel it was."
"Dear Lord! Didn't you have anything in YOUR hand?"
"Aye, that I did - Mrs. Riley's tit." Kelly said. "And a
beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
9/10/99
----------------------------------------------------------------
A couple made a deal that whoever died first they would
come back and inform the other of the after life. The
woman's biggest fear was there was no heaven.
After a long life the husband was the first to go and true
to his word he made contact.
"Mary...Mary...."
"Is that you Fred?"
"Yes, I have come back like we agreed."
"What is it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have
breakfast, I have sex, I bask in the sun, then I have
sex-twice. I have lunch, then sex pretty much all
afternoon. Supper, then sex till late at night. Sleep then
start all over again."
"Oh, Fred, you surely must be in heaven!"
"No, Mary, I'm a rabbit in Kansas."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Polar Bear goes into a bar and says, "Can I have a gin
and ........................ tonic please?"
The barman serves him and says, "Why the large pause?"
The Polar Bear says, "Don't know, I've always had them."
---
Here's Something To Offend Damn-Near Everyone. . .
Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.
=======================
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter
than the other?
A speech impediment.
======================
What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is
flying at half mast?
They're hiring.
======================
Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?
Because they're not going to work in the future, either.
=======================
Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying, "Yo"
==========================
What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each
arm?
A pimp.
=====================
Why do drivers education classes in Redneck schools use the
car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
=====================
What's the Cuban national anthem?
"Row, Row, Row Your Boat"
======================
What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a
southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A
southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this
shit..."
---
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is
beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but
the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. --Dave Barry
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
9/8/99
11 Simple Ideas
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
You hate your job. You want freedom - the freedom that comes from
lying on your couch, watching "Jerry Springer" and collecting
unemployment checks. And that means just one thing: You gotta get
fired!
According to federal and state guidelines, getting canned for
misconduct almost always makes you ineligible for unemployment
insurance. The trick is to make your boss think it was his idea. So
how do you do that? IT'S EASY! Maxim magazine has come up with some
ideas:
1. Leave your zipper open during an important meeting. When the boss
points this out, say, "Yeah, I know. I really prefer it this way."
2. Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN."
3. Jump up on a table in the break room or cafeteria, holding a sign
that says "Union Now!"
4. When shaking hands an important client, pretend your hand has
"seized up" and you can't let go.
5. Make race-car sounds every time you move your computer mouse.
6. While talking to your boss, pick your nose and eat the booger.
7. Yell, "Yahtzee!" every now and then.
8. Every few hours, go into your boss's office and ask him or her how
your rear end "looks fat in these pants?"
9. At lunch time, load up a small hibachi with charcoal, put it on
your desk, then go around asking for lighter fluid.
10. Carry your computer monitor around the office, asking everyone,
"Wanna trade?"
11. Every time your boss says something, reply, "I like
your style!" and "shoot" him or her with your fingers.
----------------------------------------------------------------
So there are these two bees and one bee asks the other,
"Where can I get something to eat around here?"
The second bee replies, "Well, there is a Bar Mitzvah going
on down the street, about half a mile, should be plenty of
flowers and pastries to eat."
The first bee thanks him and heads off to the party.
A little while later, the first bee returns, with a bloated
belly and a yarmulke on his head.
He tells the second bee, "I found it, it was awesome! So
many fresh flowers, so many sweet pastries!"
The second bee asks him, "So what's with the yarmulke? Did
you convert?"
The first bee replies, "I wore it so they wouldn't think I
was a WASP."
----------------------------------------------------
My wife's doctor told her, "I've got good news and I've got
bad news. The good news is you don't have PMS. The bad news
is you're a bitch!"
----------------------------------------------------------------
The Pillsbury doughboy is way too happy considering he has
no dick.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three gay guys were discussing what they thought their favorite
sport would be. The first decides on football, 'cause of all
those gorgeous guys bending over in their tight pants.
"Definitely wrestling," sighs the second guy. "Those skimpy
little costumes, and think of the holds."
"Definitely baseball," says the third guy. "Why? Well, I'd be
pitching with the bases loaded, the batter would hit a line drive
right to me, I'd catch it, and I'd just stand there while the
other guys rounded the bases. Meanwhile, the crowd would be going
crazy, screaming, 'Throw the ball, you cocksucker!' and that's
what I like - the recognition."
9/14/99
Joshua Mayoral