The Definitive Guide to Schooling

By: Ravi Menghani and Adam Buchen, with Contributions by Russell Feller.

(rev. 3/01)

The sagely art of "schooling" hearks back to antiquity. The revered ancient Greek study of rhetoric, a discipline in itself, was a part of the Trivium in Greek Education. The types of schooling that we have enumerated specify the method used in correcting an individual, rather than the information used in doing so. Thus the difference between types of schooling is analogous to the difference between argumentum ad hominem versus argumentum ad absurdum, or the difference between a grammatical correction and the content of a piece of writing, and not analogous to the difference between correction of one fact instead of another. The consequence of an effective schooling is the attainment of resolute reverence and awe from the audience, as well as a tribute to one's own authority.

--Russell Feller

1. Procedural

1. By Nonsense – When someone tries to school a potential victim by using an argument that cannot be proven, is blatantly false, or lacks common sense, a self-schooling results. Ex. I just saw you walk within 3 feet of another guy. Dude, you’re so gay.
2. By Poor Timing – When an event has already transcended and it is a reasonable time since then, an attempted schooling cannot be executed. be executed.

Ex. You fell of your bike when you were six, you’re so stupid.

3. By Impropriety – When certain tragic or otherwise painful events have transpired, and it is just downright mean-spirited to attempt a schooling, failure is automatic. Ex. Your husband has a brain tumor? Wow, I guess he’s getting schooled.
4. By Language and Syntax – In order for schoolings to have the most impact, it is critical that they are delivered almost flawlessly, and are also very concise. Repetition for the sake of clarity is an automatic self-schooling.

1. Substantive

1. By Proxy – To school a victim through a type of innocent middleman or intermediary. Ex. "Your brother left you this message: ‘You’re a dumbass.’"
2. By Absenteeism – To school outside of the victim’s presence. Ex. I hate that guy. He always is such a pain in the ass who will never admit to being wrong.
3. With Authority – The most definitive type of schooling available. To school with authority is to obliterate the victim of the schooling., with an amazingly high level of skill, precision, and timing. Ex. The Cal Golden Bears got schooled with authority by Stanford, 59 to 3.
4. By Mortality – This type of schooling is used posthumously to victimize the reputation of someone deceased. Ex. Yeah, Karl Marx probably was a smarter man than me, but he’s dead and I’m not
5. By Delinquency – This is a schooling that is utilized when the victim of the schooling is penalized for being late in any kind of way or circumstance. Ex. I was schooled by delinquency by my credit card when they added a $30 fee to my bill for paying it late.
6. By [Institution] – The schooling by institution describes any circumstance in which a large bureaucratic organization is able to school anyone it chooses because of its sheer strength and inflexibility. Ex. I got schooled by UCLA Parking Services when I turned in my application for next quarter 3 minutes late.
7. By CDS – This is a schooling that occurs when one experiences the complications brought on by Constipated Diarrhea Syndrome (CDS), a condition that is usually brought on by fast food late at night, but can also be triggered by other variables, such as large holiday dinners. Ex. I had to run to Rite Aid to use the bathroom because of a sudden schooling by CDS.
8. Kamikaze Schooling – This is a schooling of oneself, for various purposes, often for comic relief in tense situations. It can also be used effectively as a generalized schooling in which one is forced to include themselves when schooling a large group, a tactic that is often worth it if the schooling is successful enough. Ex. Yes, I am a dumbass. But if I’m getting better grades than you, and I’m a dumbass, what does that make you?