This is an unfounded hypothesis, but I feel that as a corollary, it can be productive to artificially impose a virtual EOW on oneself, setting the time frame as one day, etc. No procrastination is allowed, because this is the "EOW". The next day would be a whole new day, another "last night of the world".
Sorry this theory is sketchy; I had a full-blown theory a minute ago until telnet flopped on me.
4/19/00 -- Hey I'm back in reality, swamped with stuff to do. That's okay though, even God needs a break every 7 days, and maybe I need a break from floating around in heaven too. Whatever that means...
I don't know if everyone gets this, but I have this theory... (yup, yet ANOTHER one). It's about non-significant others, i.e. friends, acquaintances, bosses, teachers, students, etc. How much do you want them to like you? My theory: there's a critical boundary over which you don't want them to cross, but you want them to be as close to it as possible. You want everyone to ALMOST be in love with you...so it's a bit ambiguous but you're over 90% sure they like you romantically (if of the appropriate gender) or you're 90% sure they'd give up their Sunday to help you move to another house (if the same gender). With the opposite sex, you want them to basically be in love with you, but you don't want them to confess it to you, because you'd have to say no. One step before "The point of no return"...any takers? I actually don't feel as strongly about this as I used to for a few reasons, but I thought it might be more or less universal...
Another thought: once you see something in a different light, it can start to look petty. To buddhists, desire is petty. To me, it's not. For them, nirvana is all. For me, it's not exactly petty, but it's not the absolute virtue either...getting rid of suffering is great for YOU, and you might inspire others, but you're not helping society or anyone else. I used to think getting straight A's was all, until I stopped getting them and saw that it makes no difference. I thought college was all until I came to college. I thought love was all until...well, maybe there are exceptions.
...But you can take this too far. Eating is petty. Sex is petty. Life is petty. Then what are you living for? You need to settle in the intermediate stage where you see how some things (i.e. getting an A in math) are petty while others (i.e. saving a family from a raging fire) are not. The true genius has a good balance of everything. Maybe he knows what kind of things he's better off not knowing, and avoids learning them. I can never be that, but that's okay, I can live with negative knowledge...
4/6/00 -- A test of constant improvement: if you went back in time one (or three, or whatever) years and met the old you, would the old you be impressed with you? Would he/she want to be like you? I hope so! Second (harder) test: would a poet write unique blank verse about you?
Just to let you know: I will be uncontrollably happy for the next 10 days. The anticipation is killing me... but this is truly a rare and amazing feeling. Being on the track to inevitable happiness. That's crazy. That's a poet's dream. And that's my life. Didn't mean to make you all jealous...
Efficiency isn't always efficient. What a dumb-sounding paradox. But it's true. Especially in the creative world...sitting in front of your computer typing may be less efficient than bumming out on the beach, if that's what inspires you.
True or false: nothing in life is free. Could be true, but the cost may actually make you happy, as in a symbiotic relationship. That's what we should all strive for... and no I'm not communist. This isn't a case for interdependence either...hard to explain but if you get it, you get it.
You don't always want to hear motivation and observation. I know.
I guess it's about time I give you another anecdote...
Well, this just happened 1 minute ago. I unknowingly
ruined a surprise. That feels horrible. Here's my justification:
Doesn't it feel better that someone else knew about the secret?
That this had been planned way in advance, just for you? That
person would never tell you that... Plus there's the "Is
it really true?!" sense of joy soaked in disbelief. And...and...
the anticipation! How sweet is that? It's gotta be better
than the surprise! Well..almost... anyway, if you're reading
this: I'm really sorry.
4/5/00 -- I'm feeling better...
The power of "one". It's just one cigarette. It's just one kiss. It's just one purchase on the internet. Pringles says "Once you pop it, you can't stop it." True for so much in the world, even outside potato chips...so be careful. 12 CDs for 1 cent?! They know what's up... Next time someone offers you a cigarette and says "One won't kill ya.", don't be too sure...it could. It could lead to the next 40,000 cigarettes. After the first time, nothing seems like a big deal. Scary...
3/27/00 -- I'm really sick now.
There are benefits to being sick though. I'm not talking about not having to go to class (I went to all my classes today)... but it's an experience in life, one you don't get to experience everyday. It only occurs about once or twice a year for me... a similar argument goes for rainy days and broken fingers, but here goes:
You learn what it's like to be less gifted. You learn to become more compassionate to others who are in your situation for longer periods of time. You can learn from the mistake that landed you in that situation (except the rain...can't do much about that). If you are a writer, you can write a deliciously melancholic segment. You can see the world in a different shade of sun. It makes you appreciate a healthy state when you recover. You may realize something you've taken for granted. Here's one...you may be able to buy happiness, but you can't buy sickness...well, you probably could but you probably never would. And that's just the tip of the iceberg...
Missing someone is like a scab you shouldn't scratch but scratch anyway...if you didn't think about them, e-mail them, plan to see them a few months down the road, etc, then you wouldn't miss them. But we torture ourselves by doing just that. That's okay though, it makes the next meeting that much better. Is this internal consistency at work? Yeah, but who cares?
There are 2 kinds of love for psychologists today: romantic and compassionate. There are 4 different words for love in Latin: amorous, familial, brotherly, and godly love. There's gotta more kinds of love...I love Tokyo. Don't you love your dog(maybe he's family)? I love the way Sarah Brightman sings. The French loved Napoleon and Victor Hugo out of respect and what they stood for. Before I get 10 e-mails saying "That's not really love!"... are you sure? I don't think it's sufficiently defined anywhere to say it isn't... Before I get 10 e-mails saying "Yeah I'm sure"...I'm just suggesting an alternate view, not speaking the gospel here. I'm not a lexicographer. I'm a college student.
In the past I have barely touched on religion because it's everyone's right to have his/her own belief system. You can believe in Zeus or the Matrix and I'd have no way of changing that (although I might laugh behind your back... I'm such a dork). But the most interesting thing for me is this: Assume there is a heaven. Given that, is there a hell? The answer, to me, gives me the answer to another question: what is perfection? 100% goodness, or a balance between goodness and badness? If the latter, egocentric people may have a right to be egocentric...what says that they're not the perfect balance of being a good basketball player and a bad cook? Okay I took the analogy too far, but you get the point...what's perfection? Is hell a necessary part of perfection? Would heaven be perfect without it? Would hell be perfect too, in that it would be 100% bad? Or is it? etc etc etc...
3/24/00 -- Today is the opening night of my last college concert. This is my 13th show at Penn...I have mixed feelings about graduation and all but I'm trying not to think about it too much.
Bio people: is saturated fat worse for you than unsaturated because you have to break one more bond to break it down, requiring more exercise? Makes intuitive sense but I wanted to be sure.
Tak's theory of opera: those who like it like it because they are taught to. They are taught that people of class like classy music, which would be opera and classical music. The ultimate voice form. Really? It takes great training, to be sure, but why are you watching a theatrical performance where you can't understand the words, and therefore most of the storyline, because you can't understand the language? Is it THAT great? Opera-lovers would call me a "sell-out" because I've "derailed" into pops, but that's fine by me... I just think opera-lovers are a minority with power because the "authority" in music (which shouldn't exist, but then there has to be) are people who work their way up at Julliard, Curtis, Eastman, etc and have so much classical history/theory/whatever training that they've been brainwashed into liking it. I also think many theorists like some pieces of music just because of the way it looks on paper (in notation). I do that too sometimes, but that's horrible. Music is music, not a book. I think a lot of people say "Ooooh, minor-major 7th on the subdominant! Makes the mode ambiguous!" and like it because they are happy with themselves for the insight, not always for the way it sounds. They want to tell someone of the insight, and they wouldn't get away with just blabbing about it and bragging about their knowledge, so they have to say that they like it, or that "it sounds good". I think theory professors do this, which gets passed on, and the brainwashing saga continues... Of course there are those who truly like the sound, and they may be the majority... I also think there's a bias that anything novel is good, especially from a major composer. And why is it that every music professor likes Beethoven? Brilliant guy, but there has to be SOMEONE who doesn't like it, right? Not every cheeseball likes Tori Amos and Savage Garden...
Everyday is a special day, guys & gals...let it follow its special course. No day should be sacrificed for any other. If there is a higher goal, the process should be special and mean as much to you as the goal. Congratulate yourself every night for a day well-lived.
Vocab word of the day: Conflagration - A large & destructive fire.
3/21/00 -- Very busy week, but I'll write briefly...
I was just thinking that there's more to learning a piece
of information than just reading about it. That's the first
step. Then you have to make associations with prior knowledge.
It also has to be readily retrievable from memory at the right
time. Crucially, it has to eventually come to you naturally.
This means that you would make associations from newly
learned info to this info, and that it becomes a part of
your "personality" in a sense.
Tak's double standard theory of personality: You think everyone's personality is different, and yet you stereotype. Applies to stuff outside of personality too...
A tip on self-motivation:
When I feel a need to get motivated, I make up rewards and
punishments that aren't necessarily going to happen as
an incentive. They can be totally unrelated to my goal,
but they will be something really big that I care about a lot.
For example, I tell myself:
"If I run another 3 miles without stopping, I will become a
famous actor."
"If I don't stick to my diet, I will have a heart attack tomorrow."
And of course the classic that I've been using for
the past 15 years: "If I do my homework/do 200 sit-ups/etc,
then that girl will like me." Does anyone else do this to themselves?
3/19/00 -- If you are thinking about writing a book, or anything else professionally, you are probably stuck between what you want to write and what is marketable. 99% of all advice you hear on this topic is "write from the heart"...but I think you can either compromise or do both. Write marketably on a topic close to your heart...if you're in an antipodal relationship, maybe that's a start, even if you're happen to be limited to iambic pentameter. People want to hear something universal, but I think they also want to hear about some idiosyncratic feelings you may have...if it's in the normal range +/- 2 standard deviations. You may think that a lot of movies go beyond this...you may be thinking of Fight Club or Little Mermaid or something. They're not...they play on your fears or your fantasies...and these are pretty much universal. The trick is to say something seen as novel because of the way it is expressed, while saying something universal. Having said that, I don't see how any good author can get by without knowing psychology...
I just wanted to make it clear here that a lot of what I'm writing is just advice to myself, so that I don't forget. It may not all apply to you...but I hope some of it will. If you hear me say "Never dot your i's, it's not cool", then maybe I just feel that way (by the way, I don't), and it doesn't mean you have to...hopefully it gives you a new perspective and an insight into the psychology of another human being much like you. If you had little in common with me, you would never have read this far...if you don't know me yet, I feel that you & I would be friends instantaneously because you know so much about me, including a lot that you wouldn't know about your best friend or your mother.
You may be wondering if I feel any fear from such high disclosure about my psyche on public domain. I do slightly, but this is my way of contributing to the Internet craze. Everyone has insecurities. You're not alone. I just want you to know that...of course I should have prefaced everything by saying that I have no license in psychotherapy/psychiatry and will take no responsibility for anything I write here. I'm just practicing my first amendment rights. Taking no responsibility doesn't mean no credit: these ideas are my own and are copyrighted at the moment they is entered into UNIX, even before it enters public domain, and subsequently, your eyes and cognition. Sorry about my rambling, I'll keep that down in the future.
People love psychoanalyzing people and hate being psychoanalyzed. Keep that in mind...I guess I should too.
Believe it or not, we all have a chance at being a god or a goddess. It's called having a child. If you have a child, you are a god/goddess to them. Act accordingly please. My parents did a great job, I think...but it must be hard to maintain perfection for so many years, that is, until children reach adolescence...as my mom always says, every parent is a novice parent to the first-born. Great insight, Mom.
3/18/00 -- I'm back from Daytona Beach, Florida. It's almost midnight now and I've managed to stay up despite the long drive, running errands and finishing a book I started reading while I was in Daytona. It's about this book that I want to write about today, since I found it unique and inspiring in a new way.
This Japanese "Sci-fi" novel was first published on a newspaper, with a short episode appearing everyday. Audience participation affected characters and plot. There were 5 levels at which the story operated: the level of the author and reader, the level of the author as the author of this story, the narrator who is a third portrayal of the author, the level of the characters of the novel, and finally of the characters in a computer game played by some of the level 4 characters. They all come together at the end. The title of the book, which is coded in a way that readers cannot decipher it until the end, means "morning devil", and alludes to the devilish acts of the level 2 narrator as well as numerous other events. What interested me most was that similar to living in a higher dimension, a higher level character is basically a god (or devil!) to a level immediately (or not) below it. However, this proves not to be the case, as level 5 characters appear in level 4, whose characters interact with level 3 who drags the level 1 author and readers down to levels 3 and 4. The all meet in level 4 at the end, although not central to the plot. The plot is inconsequential relative to the experiment of dimensions, of the author's participation as "god" and then as a mere role in the story. That's great. I also liked the parallel structure of many of these levels, and plays on dimensions as well as on words. Too bad I couldn't understand allusions to earlier works by this author, as I haven't read them. Some parts were slow, but overall this author definitely got his point across, and I must say that his "experiment" was a success. Sorry none of the readers of this post (in level 1!) don't understand what I'm talking about, but this author faced the same problem...
3/10/00 -- Ever looked down on someone or something, only to discover later, sometimes years down the road, that that someone or something was really respectable or noteworthy? It shows learning and it's a great experience for you, so don't regret being so ignorant prior to this knowledge. How can we learn if each comes with a regret from not having prior knowledge anyway? ...but I guess it's good practice to NOT show disdain for anything or anyone. Our parents tell us this to no avail, but each and every person has something to share with you and something to teach you.
If you think your last exit from stage is sad, think about people who tried but never made it to the stage. If ever you are tortured by your own affection for someone, think of those who have never loved. If you think life is bad, think of those who were born a fruit fly stuck to a spider web from the day they saw daylight. Think of the comedian who gets booed off stage. If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands...
Good personal news: I can listen to a song and tell if it's
a marketable song or not these days.
Bad personal news: None of my compositions are marketable
at this point...
Good news2: I can also usually tell what's wrong with a song.
Bad news2: I don't usually know the best way to fix it.
Either way, I think it's great that I can listen to a song on the radio and say "Hmmmm, I think they should've added a measure there" instead of just "Good song!"
A few positive comments from a random stranger is a powerful motivator.
3/9/00 -- I hope you liked yesterday's stream of consciousness... I guess I haven't really posted creative writing here before (everything seems to be in the vernacular) so I thought I'd just write about the world's most boring topic and the world's most exciting topic all at once: the weather and love. The greatest writer can write like 2 or more different people with completely different histories. I want to be that.
Random thought (after all, that's what this page is about):
Sapir-Whorf hypothesis of language can be disproven by love.
No one can adequately describe it with words but they have
a feel for it. If you're not into psycholinguistics, just ignore me.
The sad state of the world is that every profession is stereotyped. Even creative ones. Why aren't there broadway shows that are all pops, or that have 5 acts, or that don't have a band but have an a capella group in the back instead? Must we comform, or is it a choice? And if it is, why does everyone make a choice to conform?
Did you know you can have unipolar depression without being sad? I just learned that today, and I thought I'd share.
Love is the only obsessive disorder that is an epidemic, yet is best self-diagnosed and whose cure is never a happy one. It would be a psychological disorder if people would admit it was. Okay, let's get this straight. If I'm thinking about someone at least once every waking minute for 8 months straight, there's nothing wrong with me? Remember, unconventionality is not a necessary condition for abnormal behavior...just look at unipolar depression. (Yes I had abnormal psych class today, and yes, we did talk about unipolar.)
As always, feel free to tell me what you think, my e-mail is somewhere on my homepage...yeah I know I don't have a guestbook, so stop asking me about that...
We are constantly brainwashed. Why is beer better from a beer mug, and white wine better from a wine glass, red wine better from a fatter one, and champagne from a taller, thinner one? Answer: marketing. We could use the same cup for everything if it wasn't for them. But we can't help it any more. It's not all bad though...if soap wasn't advertised, showering everyday may not be the norm (it wasn't in England a few centuries back). And you feel good during the Christmas holidays...and that's gotta be a good thing, right? By the way, one of my friends knows the guy who "invented" White Day in Japan (3/14).
As of this post, I have 1000 lines of text in HTML on this page! That's lots of writing...thanks for all your support, guys.
3/8/00 -- The sun was screaming spring as I walked in a
novel veneer of sweat I had not felt in months. Being
the only ignorant fool with a jacket could not detract
from the new season, with overflowing implications of
a new trend that would have met second glances only a year
ago. But the soaring mercury and
the flowers opening their window of vision could not lift one lonely spirit,
drowning in its sweet and addictive nightmare and a cruel,
loathed schism called distance. A distance over which no eagle can fly, no
clouds drift, and no angel's wings carry a warrior
stripped of his innermost armor, his sense of security.
The oblivious world rejoices, and the
spirit continues his act of conformity. Following this
dull routine sadly learned by years of practice,
he sighs internally at the egocentrism of his oblivious counterparts.
Souls oblivious to the oblivion they live in. Such is
the power of a few ticks on the Celcius scale.
Desparation such as this will someday be the mother of
a warp hole, bending the four dimensions of human cognition
into ways no religion has ever imagined. Until that
day, what remains is a heart thirsting for the sound of
another, just like it, on the other side of this unjustifiably happy
planet. The thought of reunion alone makes me
take my next breath...
3/3/00 -- It's Friday but feels like Saturday cuz I went out last night, and because I missed my one class today. This is great, I'll have an extra day of weekend.
Today's topic is something I rarely talk about here, even though I have no reason not too: being in love. Every author writes about it, but that says something about it... its universality, its power, its magic.
As we all know, love is a double edged sword. It can bring you the greatest joy, or put in in the deepest depression of your life. It can, and has, started or ended a war. So, is absolute love just an ideal for dreamers and poets, or is it really out there? I gotta say that it's out there. Many people have been in that kind of love and stayed in it. I remember a time when I used to fear that I'd never meet "the one"...I thought that there would never be anyone who would be a perfect match for me, and that I wasn't special enough for someone to feel that I'm a perfect match for her. But then I decided that I'm not special enough for there NOT to be someone totally compatible with me in the world. So he/she's out there for all you guys...don't worry, you're special but you're not so out-of-this-world special that there's no one who would be a perfect match for you. This is a great theory (if I dare say so myself) because it allows you to be modest and believe that "the one" is out there for you (and will love you back) at the same time!
Along similar lines, if you think you are the most miserable, the most stupid, the most depressed, the busiest, the most deprived, the poorest, or the most ill-fated person in the world, you are giving yourself WAY too much credit! Take it from me: you're not. In fact you probably don't deviate one standard deviation from the mean. (Sorry about the stat lingo). You're normal. Be happy.
Isn't the mirror great? It ALWAYS smiles back at you! So let it.
When someone comes to you and says "I'm miserable. I failed an exam." DO NOT reply, "Oh yeah? That's nothing. I failed 2 exams in 24 hours." What's the point? Does that make you or them feel better? No. Does it make you cool? No. Does it improve your exam scores? You wish. Instead, just listen. That's all they need. Get over your own problems and care about them. You're worse situation doesn't change their grade, and they don't want to hear about it. Same with people who break up with their significant others... don't say "Oh yeah? Well, my grandfather died last month." That's not what they want to hear! Show them there's someone in the world who will focus on them. The true niceguy/girl is one who has his/her own problems but will shut up about them when they know the other is suffering and know that his/her disclosure of his/her tragedy won't improve the other's feelings. Mutual disclosure is fine and can bring friends closer together, but there is a time when it's not the best way to go. This is just a thought...as always, feel free to disagree with me. I'm guilty of this too sometimes, but I'm working on it...
9th grade anecdote: I gave a friend a whole bunch of copy cards
before I left Taipei. He was happy, but came back a few days
later, and said "You want these back?" I said no, and he said:
"People sometimes do things that they regret later on."
There's a guy who understood psychology! Also, that's one nice
guy...in 9th grade, if someone had given me something I wanted,
I wouldn't have dared bring up anything like that.
I'm listening to "ALIVE" and "White Love" by Speed for the 50,000th time...God, this composer makes me SICK! How does he come up with all this!? If you listen closely, there are at least 10 tracks excluding voices...like in "ALIVE", there are 3 different guitar tracks, a bass, a string section, an "ah chorus", chimes, synth, percussion, that thing that does the 16th notes (another synth voice?), and a piano. No repeats come back straight up...something is always added or taken out. Crazy modulations and use of silence...and amazing precision and use of every instrument and great melodies and hooks. I didn't think a Japanese composer would be my role model, but well, this guy is it...
3/2/00 -- You know, a volatile stock market never lets you sell a stock. If it's going up, you don't want to sell now cuz you think it'll keep going up, and if it's going down, you think it'll go back up and you definitely don't want to take losses. It's greed that makes us spend money, and it's greed that makes us save it. How does someone so optimistic about the market make such a pessimistic comment about human nature?
When you dream, dream without any premise, any limitation, or any rules. There's no gravity in dreams.
I talked about the written word and it's power a while back...but now for a bit about the spoken word. It's easier to tell someone something than even writing, which is easy to begin with given an elementary education. Psycholinguists say language is innate; and that children will create a language if there is no outside stimulus. But it's really powerful, because it can change people's perceptions of you, the world, the past, anything.
Case in point: At the end of a great interview, if you say
"Shut up, you bald piece of shit!" you can totally
reverse everything.
Case in point2: You can be good friends with a girl, but
when you say "I love you", things change completely. You
will both act differently to each other, and get much
closer or very awkward. Likewise, a guy may be dating
someone for 10 years, but if he says to his girlfriend
"Maria was great in bed last night", he could ruin it forever even if
he didn't even see Maria last night.
It can also hurt someone tremendously. Never mind the "sticks and bones may break my bones..." deal. Middle school rumors about someone wetting his pants can be devastating and lead to someone becoming insecure for life, and lose all his friends. "Tom likes Sue" in 4th grade can lead to fights, tears, or a first kiss. Finch in "American Pie" knew what he was doing... More importantly, it can make someone feel really good. If you like what someone is wearing, tell them and you could make their day. If you want a job, tell someone, and maybe you'll find one. If you like someone, tell them, and it may be the greatest 3 words uttered in the history of mankind.
Moral of the story is: think twice before you tell someone what a dork they are, or spreading a rumor, or telling a secret you shouldn't be telling to someone else. You don't even begin to understand the damage you are doing. But at the same time, don't be afraid to say nice things and state your dreams and purpose!
Totally different topic...Shakespeare is great and I love his writing to death...and most others do, right? So why is it that so few people write tragedies, which is what he's most famous for? Wouldn't that sell, if you can write a good one? Probably easier than coming up with a new way to say "I love you", right? There are so many tragic songs...why not books, movies? Okay, fine, I'm gonna write one.
2/27/00 -- Hey guys...okay so it's been a while. Blame it on my broken finger...I'm still rehabilitating it but I can type with it now so I'm back in the game...
Ever do something for so long and think it was all for nothing? I bet you most of you are saying...yeah, well... kinda, but not really. Why? Because you spent so much time/effort/cash on it that you don't really want to admit it...because it could potentially destroy a part of your identity. Of course it was a good idea to play Nintendo when you were a child for 5 hours a day. You shared that experience with friends, made new friends that way, learned mythology, hard Japanese words and characters, and made you more creative. It taught you the joy of music, of accomplishing something, of teamwork, of patience, or problem solving...and best of all, you grew out of it at one point, at which you were proud for becoming mature and seeing there's a bigger world out there. Nintendo did all this for us. ...REALLY? It's easy to justify past actions as worthwhile...great defense mechanism. You hear this all the time: "I hated working there, but it was a good experience." "I learned to never do that again." Is that always worth it? Something to think about. Can't always think about how you'll feel about a decision 5 years down the road, but if you think you're wasting your time, think of it as a sunk cost and cut your losses...I swam for 15 years, and that was great, I got fit, I gained friends, etc (there's my defense mechanism working), but maybe I only needed 5 years to learn that? Or playing on a basketball team for 1 of those years would have done more for me? I guess life's not all about efficiency though...your call. For all you psych majors, this is cognitive dissonance at it's worst...it's adaptive because it keeps you from clinical depression, maybe...so it'll be around for a while, probably.
There are only 12 pitches in an octave. Music composition should be easy, right? Well, think about it...there are only 26 letters in the English language. Just because there aren't that many building blocks, it doesn't mean it's less complicated. The best example I can give you is the binary code...everything computer program is written with a 1 or a 0...2 building blocks can build an operating system. And, literally speaking, it only takes one type of brick to build a house.
I had a good phone conversation this morning, and I came out smiling like a dancing baby. Sometimes, when I talk to my friends, bosses, whoever, I think to myself "I feel good after that conversation", while other times, I don't. What causes this difference? I can only speculate that this involves liking the other person, seeing that the other likes you, giving/receiving a compliment, perceived similarity, learning something new, getting something off your chest, humor, sharing an experience, getting attention, talking about an issue important to you, reassuring/encouraging information, and positive body language. Wow, that's more than I thought I could list...but is there something else? Is there something central that all "good" conversations share? If you figure it out, lemme know.
2/8/00 -- I'm always reluctant to use the superlative form for some event or other, because I don't want to feel like the apex of my life to date was at that point...but I gotta say it this time: My last weekend in LA was the best weekend I've ever had. I can't even think of another that would come close, and I don't even care to think about which one would come in second place. It's a new ballgame altogether.
Some people get you more pumped than would their weight in chocolate.
The world needs you. The fate of some people in the future
are contingent on your actions, knowledge, and skill set.
Live knowing that. Forget this "little at a time" thing...that's
for the weak at heart. With one flick of the psychological
switch, you can change it all...you can quit drinking and smoking,
tell your explotive employer off, buy your mom some flowers
and give someone a massage all in under 24 hours. Go do it.
Tak can lose 10 pounds in 5 days (he just did last week).
Why in the world can't you?
2/3/00 -- I have lots to say today but I'll keep it short for a biological reason...when you screw up your finger in basketball, you can't type with that finger, and it slows you down.
Things are going really well (other than the finger), and to top it all off, I'm flying out to LA tomorrow! First time in 14 years. It's just for 2 days, but it just might be the greatest trip ever. That's my heart talkin'...
Today's topic is "heroes". Who's your hero? My heroes aren't herculean, they don't break bricks with their fists, and they don't win the world series. My heroes are the friends that listen, the guys that get gifts for girls they're not interested in, the parents that give their children that extra strawberry on their plate. People not afraid to live their mind, nor to change it. The guy that gives you his last piece of gum. Girls who are content with their physique even though they might not make "Seventeen". Guys in their 30s who know how to party. The girl with a curator's certificate.
1/28/00 -- I'm trying to write a love song and a rock song at the same time. I'm starting to think that's it's easier to write the lyrics first for a love song, and the bass line first for a rock song. What do you think? My goal is to be able to mass produce songs without having them sound similar. I'm starting to see that that's really hard though...I can see why singer/songwriters' songs all sound the same. It's like you're trapped in this one style and you can't get out of it. It's not rhythm or chord progression or anything, it's just a "feel". Hard to explain, but suffice to say I shouldn't talk smack about people who write similar songs. And another thing...the songs probably sound drastically different to them, until they separate themselves spiritually from the song.
Computer science is pretty cool, I must admit. If it wasn't for the debugging, I'd consider becoming a programmer. I'm not as busy as before, but I have more things I want to do. I think that means that I'm lacking focus compared to before. Can't always shoot 17 birds with one stone, I guess... Maybe I'll shoot for 2 or 3. Shoot for one? What, are you crazy?
1/25/00 -- Went out to a major snow ball fight today... first real one in college, I think. It was crazy. What was interesting though, was the way people went about it. Why do I always look at things from a psychological point of view? Oh well, at least it's better than a business point of view, which I had two years back...I wonder if everyone else sees things in a particular light when they walk out their door. Is there a recurring "theme" in everyone's life? I think yes...when I started trading stocks, that's all I could talk about. It was as if I forgot how to talk about football, or nimbus clouds, or Mariah Carey. The brain is a crazy computer...
Anyway, back to the snow ball fight. Crazy snow fest. Snow being thrown in different ways...fast, up in the air, in close range at someone's face, 10 different ones on the same guy on the ground. Boyfriends wrestling other people's girlfriends, jocks showing off their range and aim, sneaky engineers playing guerilla warfare, everyone hitting cars and professors walking by, guys busy trying to convince others they killed/got killed the most, and are the coldest and most miserable there, people plotting against archrivals and plain dorks. A girl walking around with an enormous ball of dirty snow but not throwing it...for protection? People throwing at strangers, at friends, at windows... and people daring others to throw at strangers, people backstabbing then hoping they hadn't. It all defeats being drunk, that's for sure.
New topic...why is it that you can talk to some people
for hours, but not others for even 1 minute? It's
not like you suddenly become a boring person, right?
And 99% of all our genes are the same...so it's not
like we don't have enough in common, right?
...but then I guess it's boring to talk about some
stuff you share with others...imagine the following
pick-up line: "I have eyebrows ABOVE my eyes! Just like you!"
To the guy sitting next to you: "You know, we both washed
our hands sometime last year." Doesn't quite cut it...
There's a time in the future when everyone knows everyone else by name. Everyone will then be the most famous person in the world. And every new life born will be a new introduction. We will learn with every death, every second of our lives, what it means to be alive. No murders, no crime. How could there be? You will know your victim by name! And everyone in the world will know of your crime. Just a stream-of-consciousness-type-thought.
Just a short anecdote from my life...
My parents didn't get upset with me too often now that I
think about it...but when they did, and when it was before
dinner, I used to always worry if they'd tell
me I wasn't allowed to eat. They never did that though,
which surprised me every time, even though I knew
they wouldn't say that. Maybe because cartoon shows
on TV always have kids getting in trouble and losing their
meals. I guess that's the difference in patience between
an adult and a kid. I couldn't see that when I was a kid
though, I was too busy being relieved that I could eat.
1/23/00 -- I'm writing again? It must be the beginning of the semester...
I just realized that Friday 1/21 was the first day I was in the black
for the year on the stock market. Good, cuz I was down $5000 at
one point.
KISS (keep it simple, stupid) is deceivingly difficult. Just
starting to see that.
I'm also starting to see that lyrics to most songs don't make
sense...and 95% of them wouldn't make poetry or prose. They
don't follow much of a sequence. They just sound good.
So would poets writing lyrics improve the music industry
standards? No. Just like good actors wouldn't improve Broadway.
The mediocrity, stereotypes, and the superficiality are necessary.
Sad? No, it's an art, not a reflection of reality.
You gotta connect with the masses and their ideals.
And their ideals aren't perfect people, but ordinary people
like themselves. Because despite what people say, we all
love ourselves and want ourselves to have a chance at being
the ideal they want. Maybe I should lie of the psychology
books a bit...
It's a mean world out there...
It's not who you know, it's who the people you know know.
That's why MBAs network, and why players make plain friends.
That's okay though, it all comes back to you through
the 6 degrees of separation. Okay, what I just said makes no sense.
Eating healthy feels really good after a week. You should try it!
1/22/00 -- I'm back in Philly. It's FREEZING. It's mad.
You know, I'm really happy these days. Funny how a few
e-mail messages and a little star on the other side of the planet
can do that to you. I feel that if I was hungry, white rose
petals would turn into white chocolate and fall into my mouth as
I yawn. And I could probably make sweet lemonade without adding
sugar. And seagulls would bring me a piece of pink cloud just
because. That's pretty good, in case you were wondering.
The written word is amazing. It makes commands mandatory,
arguments convincing, and dreams reality. Of course the last
one also involves some sort of effort on the reader's part.
Scary thing about e-mail: you write so many people that you don't
really remember who you write. You just press "Reply". So
if someone forgets to respond once, that could potentially be
the end of contact forever. Moral of the story: Respond to
your e-mails.
Repetition beats genius. Perhaps unfortunate but true.
Everything takes time. Definitely unfortunate but true.
Once married, what should take precedence?
1. Your child's education
2. Your own career and life
3. Your spouse's career and life
4. Contributing to the world as a whole
Of course you should probably balance them out, but what should
be a priority? Maybe there's not "should" here, just a (hopefully)
conscious choice...
My theory is that children grow best when parents are rich,
but the children don't know that they are.
It's nice to be able to speak 5 languages or play 10 instruments,
but 2 languages (including English) and 1 instrument are enough,
unless you're a linguist or musician. Why do I say this?
There are so many things out there to do. Don't waste
your time learning that fifth language. Learn rock climbing
instead. Or learn to tell the difference between centipedes
and millipedes on sight. Or fix the vacuum cleaner in the attic.
Go to Luxembourg. Visit a nursing home. Play with your kid.
Get the point.
Did you smile in the mirror today? Cuz you're pretty attractive.
1/11/00 -- Got back from a ski trip yesterday. Was cool,
met lots of new ppl, etc. Didn't ski that well but that's okay...
it happens. I leave for Philly in 5 days. That's okay, I had
lots of fun in Japan but I want to feel productive again. I didn't
do too much this winter...but the good thing is that I got to
experience something new, which is just that...not doing too much,
partying lots and seeing lots of friends without having
to worry about anything. Good experience, and now that I've
tried that, I'm glad I didn't spend the other 21 years and
1 month of my life just doing that. That might sound weird
to you, and kinda does to me, but it makes sense in its own
way...hope you know what I mean.
Often people ask, "If you had 6 months to live, what would you
do?" My situation now is that I have 6 months to live in the
way I've been living for a while now: as a student. Working
will be the beginning of something but also the end of
something else. In this light, I, or rather the student me,
has 6 months to live. Less severe but a big deal nonetheless...
so I plan to write more music, learn to program, and go back
to the me that did what someone who's been a student for 16 years
should do best: study hard. Sure I'll learn on the job, but
it'll be from experience, not studying...I feel like maybe there
are a few other things I should know to live in the real world
without the soft warm blanket called school. So I'll study
till May. Studying is always something that's not all that
exciting when you're doing it, but never regret. Unless
you forget what you learned. Well, maybe not even then.
Thought of the day: People become self-centered when they are
in love. We become so happy that nothing else matters...
then we treat others as if they matter less than they did
before (except for the person you're in love with). What do
you all think? I have no clue, but I'm just thinking that
we should be careful just in case it's true.
Thought2: Introspective people are more egocentric?
1/4/00 -- Happy 2000! Writing 00 as the date is pretty weird
stuff. All the hype and not too much has changed around
here or anywhere (from what I hear)...I guess that's more a
blessing than a disappointing anticlimax. 2000's gotten
jump started for me personally...I think I've found something
I only dreamed of before Y2K. All parties involved know
what I'm talking about, and those who don't might be better
off not knowing...this page is secretly supposed to be inspiring
to the readers! Go out and find something like that for
yourself!
...New Zealand must be warm at this time of year...
12/12/99 -- Wow, haven't posted in 6 months.
I decided to go back to Tokyo to work at Goldman Sachs, in
their Investment Banking Department. Pretty excited about that...
but I'm also glad I have a few more months to sit back and
pluck the guitar and stuff. Can't wait to go back to Japan
in 7 days! I hope I can see everyone I'm supposed to see
during my 4 weeks there...
New rules: Just do it. Do it NOW. keep doin' it.
Random memory: when I was little, all the adults would say
to me, "You're such a good boy. You're so smart." I hated
that! I wished for once someone would say "You're so cute" or
something. My brother always got that. But then he was
probably wishing someone would tell him he was a good boy
or that he was smart. A lil' give 'n take, I guess.
6/16/99 -- Got off work early today for once so I got to work out. Got
my body fat level tested...9.2% baby! I was 13% at the end of high school,
so that means I'm in better shape even though I stopped swimming
those crazy hours. I'm shooting for 5% while adding 6 pounds...pretty
tough but we'll see. I'll keep you posted.
My Japanese is coming back...phew.
Pretty tired so I'll leave it at that today...
6/8/99 -- Working at Merrill is pretty rough. Sometimes get home
close to midnight. I guess it's a great opportunity though...I'm
working on a deal that's potentially worth $3-5 billion. Can't
say much more though...sorry.
Music: I'm moving on in terms of focus. I'm getting past the
chord progression...I'm still stuck on sonorities but more on
voicing. And harmonic rhythm, and how it relates to the density
of the actual melody as well as lyrics. The key is the
non-normalization of the harmonic rhythm. This is an epiphany
for me...harmonic rhythm is just like melodic rhythm...you don't want
to just have quarter notes in your melody! So obviously you don't
want the harmony to just shift every measure! After seeing that
Debussy was all 9th chords, it was easier to write like him...
now I'm starting to see that "When you wish upon a star" creates
95% of its effect from appogiaturas on beats 1 and 3. Most of you
don't care but this is key...there's a lot of flat 6th degrees
in pops (also major sixth degrees...), not augmented sixth chords
but iv6 or bVI borrowed from parallel minor (to put b6 n the bass).
also, I like the IV over dom pedal effect. Goes to I real well too.
Also modulations seem to come much easier now...no need to prepare
the new key with the dominant or anything like they teach in
music theory. Like moving up/down a half/whole step is pretty
cinch...you could do that from almost any key. Reminds me of
what my high school guitar teacher said...no transition from one
chord to another sounds bad in itself. none. and it's true.
It's just that music can have no direction or focus if you mess
around in random places. At least theory counts for something...
5/13/99 -- I just looked at some of my pages...geez the Tak 101 page
is horrible. Prolly cuz I haven't worked on it since the day
I put it up. I think that was when I was working at Chase...
My brother's here. He's sleeping AGAIN. What's up with that?
5/12/99 -- School's been out for a few days. It's that nice time in
between school and going home when you can relax without worrying
about anything really...except maybe packing. But I have nothing
against packing...it's organization of a year of your life into 10
boxes. It feels neat and gets you ready for a new beginning. I kinda
like that idea.
Graduation in a few days. It's weird to see so many of my friends
graduating and starting work and everything...but I'm glad I'm
going to be spoiled in college for a year longer. There are so many
things that I want to do before I get outta here.
So I'm officially minoring in psych now. I've always wanted to so
that's cool. I'm so into it right now. It's too bad that taking
the classes might actually turn me off from it a bit, like music
classes did temporarily.
I'm on the verge of another breakthrough...in terms of my psyche.
I try to change myself every year and this may be "the thing" I'm
gonna change for the year.
Okai...I thought I had something more profound to say but I guess
I don't. Maybe because my roommate woke me up at 7:30 AM from
talking real loud on the phone. Back to bed, I guess...
5/3/99 -- I have an exam in 14 hours and I should not be here, but what the heck...I have a story I just remembered. This happened to me in eighth grade...this is real short. In science class, one guy who I was friends with but not that close with, had Starbursts or some other candy. I asked him for one. Immediately after I asked, I noticed that he only had one left. I was about to say "Oh, you only have one left, don't worry about it" but then he gave it to me. That was eye-opening. What a nice guy. Ok, that's it. Back to accounting.
4/15/99 -- Taxes are due today, but I did them a week
ago. It feels good to be ahead of schedule for something,
since I'm behind in everything else.
Went to Dallas last weekend. It was the greatest time. Met
so many people, ate so much, danced like the last night
of the world, without worrying about work or anything.
I'm going to have to make big decisions really soon. Hard
decisions are always hard but worth it, I guess. I have
no idea what I'm going to do next year...how many classes,
how many performing groups, if I'll work part-time, etc...
I better study; I haven't studied all day. And tomorrow's Spring
Fling!!
4/1/99 -- April Fools and I didn't tell a lie today. What
a bummer.
I still have no job. This is horrible. What should I do?
Scary thing is, I'm starting to care less and less. Thing is,
there's so much I want to do over the summer anyway, that I wouldn't
mind not working. I hope that doesn't mean I can't get
a permanent job...I dunno. I'm still waiting on a few companies.
I didn't wanna admit this but I gotta...I've gotten REAL lazy.
I better get my butt back in gear.
Weird how I take some classes because I really like the subject,
but then find that I don't really want to do them. And then
when the class is over, I get into it again. What's up with that?
Why don't I spend any time trying to do well on my music composition
assignments? Hmmmm.
3/24/99 -- I'm glad some people actually like this page.
It's too bad that it doesn't completely sub for a diary...because
I can't talk about specific people (just in case they read the
page). But that's okai.
My printer broke. This is horrible. I didn't realize printers
were such a big deal...
I feel like I'm the only one that's still interviewing...does
everyone else have a job? Or did they just give up?
My throat is still killing me. I wanna sing! Dang.
3/15/98 -- My first time consecutively posting i guess...actually
it's just that the clock turned passed midnight.
My new one wish: give all the children in the world one wish, free from
adult bias, given they are "innocent" and "harmless".
Someone define love for me please. then i'll tell you if i'm in or
out of it.
9-page paper due in as many hours. I'm such a slacker. Why am I still
posting?
3/14/98 -- Today is White Day in Japan. Totally forgot about that.
Why am I so goddamn self-conscious these days?
A button on my coat fell off. Bummer.
Special treat for you all today...a long-ass letter I wrote to my mom. This is me from the inside. It may scare you, it may impress you. If you relate to me, if you have similar thoughts, then congrats, you have found that you're not alone in these thoughts, and have found a potential soulmate. I think lots. I probably shouldn't be posting this...it may interest psych majors but it may make me lose friends. I think it's pretty powerful for laypeople. Well... here it is...
mom,
...i think you worry too much in general...remember how you used to say that if you took tetsuji and me and added and divided by two, you'd have the right amount of flexibility, body, etc? i think the same goes for you and dad...you have to find some middle ground and have something to learn from each other.
i'm starting to see that dad's "arrogance" is a necessary part of business...i learned that after 8 bad interviews. i'm glad i interviewed a lot this year even if i don't get the best job because i definitely learned a lot.
i'm not sure about the whole process though...college, 2 years of banking, MBA, more investment banking then retiring at age 40 or so. i don't think that's my kind of lifestyle. how can i make a difference in the world and reach the masses if i'm just doing that? even though that's a very "high-class" "elite" track to walk on, it's still the average "high-class" track. i don't want that. and i don't want to be excessively rich. at the risk of sounding like a dreamer and a brat...i'd rather have fame and glory than fortune. i know you don't want me to be a musician. of course i want to be able to support myself and my family as soon as possible. i want to marry and have 2 kids. although i'm still "young", i'm no longer a teenager and feel that some careers are being ruled out for me. i can always become a banker or consultant, but i can't act the part of a 20 year old when i'm 40. some professions have a short life span (like sports players, actors) but they do it with grace and glory. i think i prefer to live short and thick, both literally and figuratively. i prefer that kind of lifestyle. i can take the risk and the pain. i see myself going further and further from the "average" train of thought, and maybe that much further away from what you expected me to be. i was always the conservative, quiet, studious type of boy when i was little. but many things opened me up, and now i can't close back into myself. i think swimming made me strong but made me more of a closed person. i sometimes felt trapped in a prison of water, and my stomach would feel funny while i was swimming even when i wasn't tired and nothing was wrong. i think it was pure discipline that got me through the last 2 or 3 years. i stopped improving, probably partly because of my attitude. it meant the world to me, but i wasn't in love with it. i often lied that i was. lied to myself. but i don't think i liked it much... i don't regret doing it though. it's something that i'm proud of, even though tetsuji sometimes belittles my efforts because he stuck with it longer. i'm glad i started karate. and i'm glad i didn't start that when i was younger, even though i used to think that would have been better. the stage really opened me up and gave me a lot, and i want to give it something back in return. it won't be my whole career, and i know where i stand relative to others. i'm not good enough by any standards to be professional. at least not in the states. i don't know what i'm blabbing but these are my thoughts.
i find that i crave attention a lot. i was arrogant when i was in elementary school. i don't think i got it from dad... maybe everyone around me praised me too much. i tried to change when i was in taipei...and it changed my behavior but not my thoughts. i still think i'm so good and that has brought me down on many occasions. i don't know what it is but some people in highschool would tell me that i was always talking about myself. that's horrible. i hate that. it's because i want other people to talk about me but they don't. when i was little, you and dad gave me attention but girls didn't. older guys didn't either. and i was fat and knew it. i was really introvert...and maybe i still am. in some situations i still find it hard to call a random person, or to meet someone for the first time. funny because i thought that went away years ago. i've been scared to admit it, but i'll face the facts. i think i stood up on stage the first time to face that fear, and because i needed attention. i need people to tell me i was good because i have an inferiority complex. people would always say that a superiority complex was a bad case of an inferiority complex. i thought that didn't apply to me...until a few months back. i have an inferiority complex. not because others are better than me. it's because i want to think i'm the best, and there's someone in the world is better than me. and i find those people. i respect them but i feel jealous. i don't match my expectations. you thought i would go to harvard as much as i did. i didn't let you down nearly as much as i let myself down. it turned out for the better, but a failure is a failure.
i often think about what i'm studying, and think, "this isn't what i want to do." i love finance. but it's so normal. everyone in wharton does that. i wanna do something completely different. that's why i try things. skydiving, a cappella, actuarial science, music composition. i have a dying urge to be unique for some reason. and yet i want to fit in. i'm such a dreamer...and my dreams are killing each other and the dreamer himself. because i think all the time and i reach no answers. i'm always looking for something ultimate. but i don't know what my god is. i think God is an excuse to let yourself live the way you want to. easy to justify. but it works...christians succeed. i'm convinced that that's why religion, even if their belief happens to be wrong, is a good thing for that person. i think that's also why people want to fall in love. it's for themselves. they need to feel some absolute power, and love is the closest they can get. but my god is not music, or some girl, or finance, skydiving, or myself. my god is perfection itself. that's what kills me. perfection is the cruelest god of all because you can never get there.
i hope you're not confused. you must be surprised. i hope you understand...i'm not really upset or sad or miserable or anything. i'm just sharing some deep thoughts. ...and i'm wondering what you think about the whole deal. what do you want to do in life? i feel like i'm going through mid-life crisis...it's hard when people 5 years younger than you have achieved a dream that's been yours a lifetime. but life's not perfect...maybe that alone is a perfect blessing. so what is your dream? don't tell me you are too old again, because you're not. you have more years left to live than i have lived in my whole life. in this light, i definitely don't think you are too old for anything.
thanks for listening. i don't know if you know what i'm saying. if you don't, then no one will. even i only barely get it.
always,
tak
3/4/99 -- Wow, I've been pretty negative in my last few posts, huh?
I've been interviewing for summer internships for the last few weeks...
It's weird, cuz I thought I was getting good at it...then I totally
bombed one today. I guess it all depends on the interviewer. I should
definetely rehearse a little more before my next one, which is tomorrow.
Spring break starts in 2 days, but once again I'm staying at school.
This time I have to study, arrange/compose music, interview, and work.
first time working in the States actually...just a campus job but i think
it'll be cool.
My brother's coming to visit me this weekend. That's really cool.
I never thought I'd miss him when I was in high school, but I guess
things change. I'm trying to decide where to take him for dinner
and stuff.
Life is weird.
Too much of a good thing isn't all that good...3 music courses
in one semester may have been a mistake. I have to compose
so much!
I didn't write anything substantial today...what a boring post.
Whatever. I'll do better next time.
2/20/99 -- Happy Chinese New Year a few days back.
Murphy's Law #5575: You always fall in love when you have
absolutely no time to think about stuff like that. Life sucks.
I only post here when I'm exhausted and busy...weird.
Indecision is one of my biggest weaknesses, but I wouldn't dare say
that in an interview...unless I can make it sound good.
I'm extreme sometimes. I'm an ass these days. Gotta get back into
the swing of things...sleep would help I think.
Weird that I keep some secrets that don't need to be secrets from
my closest friends, while I tell stuff I shouldn't say to people
I'm not even all that close with. Another problem I have: keeping
a secret, though I always swear that I'm good at keeping secrets.
I can do it but it takes great effort.
Some of my close friends can't take criticism in certain areas.
What should I do? I want to help them improve themselves but they
might get mad or sad and I might end up hurting their confidence
instead. Tough call, isn't it?
If the toilet is the seat of the human soul, then the bed is
the bed of the human soul. Wise words by moi.
Unlike before, I'm not trying to look on the bright side
of people I can't stand. That's bad...am I devolving?
I get nervous, upset, and have an ego more than I admit.
I'm worried about getting a good job. I'm questioning myself
once again if I want to be an investment banker. Maybe I don't.
Maybe I don't even like the professional atmosphere. It's not
just that I want to be a musician...I dunno. I'll have to
think about this when I have time.
1/17/99 -- Happy New Year. I spent this new year's in California at my
friend Wes's place. That was cool. Couldn't visit Cupertino but what
the heck, there's nothing there anyway...
I think I hurt someone's feelings today. That sucks. I suck.
I have a stupid habit of acting stupid. Why do I do that? I should
really get off it...well yeah, it's a defense mechanism, but that's
horrible.
I have another dumb habit: acting like I'm a Godsend. Trying to fly in
like an angel and make people feel better, resolve problems, then
magically disappear without wanting anything in return. Problem is that
I usually don't help the situation and I DO want something in return.
What a hypocrite. At least I try...
My way of showing concern for some people is to try to have them see
their faults and mend their ways. Maybe it's better if I just like them
the way they are and not expect them to change? Is that caring for them
more in the long run? Hmmmm.
I just read through my random thoughts page and I decided that I like the
background color. Also, all my thought lead to one thing: wanting to be
absolute in some way. I already said this before...oh well. I did a lot
of thinking in California. I discovered for the first time since
childhood that I actually have an inferiority complex. That was kinda
surprising for me.
I have a new passion: psychology. I can't do
anything about it though until I finish arranging songs for my a cappella
groups though.
I have this fear that I'll never marry. I'm too picky. I'm knocking on
wood.
A girl told me I was intimidating about a month back. I thought I was
anything but, so I was surprised. Hmmmm...
If pride is the worst of sins, envy must be a close second. I don't even
know why lust and gluttony are in there...I don't think those are a big
deal at all. Those don't really hurt anyone but that person. But envy
is bad. I used to be a really jealous person but now I don't think I
am...maybe I'm just want to believe it.
I have too much to do. I always overload myself with work and
extracurricular stuff, but now i'm pretty overwhelmed. i have less
classes now but i still can't really do a lot of stuff i want to do.
I want more time! Someone give me more time!! AAAAAARGH.
I'm going to have to dye my hair back to black for interviews. That's
depressing...I kinda like having blond hair. Because I'm always starving
for attention, it's a cool feeling when people notice and remember you.
That's all gonna end I guess.
I used my debit card for the first time over break. I've already used it
6 times now...it's getting to be a habit and I need to stop. It's so
easy though...what a great invention. And it gives people the sense
of power...which makes them want to use it even more. What great
marketing. Especially gold and platinum cards. People who have those
want to use it everywhere...and that's understandable.
I'm unjustifiably melancholy. There are minor problems here and there.
I don't have a girl. Some classes I'm taking aren't too exciting. I'm
tired. But then that's been the case for a long time now...I don't
know. Maybe I'm hitting mid-life crisis early. Nah.
Anne Rice is an amazing author. Wow. I'm hooked.
This is a pretty long post, huh.
12/4/98 -- Just a little story for
the day...
My grandmother passed away last summer. Other than giving
me money and trying to feed me all the time, one of the things
I remember most is playing cards together. She
would never let me shuffle and deal...it didn't bother me but
I thought it was kinda weird. I won about 90% of the time...
that was weird too. Then one time I found out that she was
cheating. But why was she always losing when she was always
cheating? Then I saw that she was looking at the cards
while dealing and dealing me all the good cards and dealing
herself all the bad ones. So she was cheating against herself
so I would win. That idea just kicked my ass. That's my first
recountable experience of altruism...end of story.
Shoot that sounds like a college essay. Whatever.
11/12/98 -- I want to write a book. I wanted to become an author
back in freshman year in highschool...before I met real music.
The problem of the week is that there's so much I want to do,
but there's so much time I want to waste, even though there's not
that much time for anything. I always want to do stuff when I know
I can't do it. I tell myself I'll do it later...and then when "later"
comes I still want to do it but I can't bring myself to...I do
some smaller things that are more immediate in nature(like check
e-mail instead of compose). I guess it's because things that
get accomplished immediately yields immediate results. Of course
the satisfaction of doing something big is exponentially bigger, but
sometimes it doesn't seem worth is just because you're not really up
to it.
Sometimes random things remind you of random people even when
there's no connection with what you were doing or thinking.
But that's okai.
Why am I concentrating in actuarial science? I guess I know why...
I just want something no one else has. Like, who the hell majors
in actuarial science? Most people don't even know what it is.
They go, "huh? actual science? i thought you were doing business."
GPAs suck. Maybe because my GPA sucks. Funny, I don't even want
a high GPA any more. It doesn't mean jack...it has nothing to
do with GLORY in my eyes, which is what all this stuff comes down
to. GLORY isn't EGO. Ego is for losers who try to make themselves
think they're not losers(the whole thing about superiority complex
being a bad case of inferiority complex). Good GPAs are worth it
only if you can also cook, draw, and play hockey well.(Too bad
I can do none of the above well, and I STILL have a low GPA).
How do you break it to a girl that they have bad breath?
Absolutes are attractive. You can see it in my lyrics a lot.
Stuff about sky, heaven, rainbow, God, space, liquid, absolute zero,
light, sound. Black and white. All absolute in their own way. I
wanna be absolute in some way...like have absolute authority in
something. Even if it's in tapestry or the duckbill platypus.
Something no one could EVER match me in. Just so I have a come-back
when people are better than me at things I think I'm good at.
I wish I could spontaneously say the funniest things in the world.
I envy people who can. Wow, now I sound like I'm so boring.
I wish you could "save" your "game" of life and "reset" if you
mess up. That's be the ultimate! If I had one wish I'd ask for
control over time(given i can't ask for more wishes).
11/10/98 -- 8 days till my birthday. Turning 20 is scary...actually
for me, turning any even age after 15(16&18, that is) was scary.
it kinda seems like a bigger jump than going to an odd age...this
one especially cuz I'm going into my 3rd decade!
Any highschool kids reading this?(College students can do this
too I guess...although I haven't tried it in college). You
want a good excuse for not going to class, failing an exam, etc?
Go to your teacher and say "I'm sorry...I'm in love." It really
works. Especially in highschool. Take my word for it...they
think, "Awwww, how cute." and let you off. But you if you're not
really in love, you shouldn't say that cuz it could backfire.
Why do I always have random thoughts(i.e. why do I always post on
this page) when I have an exam the next day?!
Gotta run to my boring-as-hell actuarial science class.
10/12/98 -- First exam tomorrow. I'm slacking from it.
Ever think everything you're doing in life is so petty?
Like, asset management is so petty. Just taking other people's
research and using someone else's money to buy stocks and giving
it back with a gain or loss. You're someone else's bank account...
they make money while you work and they sit back, relax, and
do something more worthwhile. No offense to finance people(I'm a
finance major too). Money is cool but not that cool.
GLORY beats all. beats cash, beats sex, even beats Norika Fujiwara.
One day, I'm gonna say "Yeah, I could do all that because I didn't
have a girlfriend in college." What a way to justify how much of
a loser you are. No offense to those without girlfriends...I don't
have one either.
I miss being in love. It hasn't happened for a long time.
I wanna take acting lessons and gymnastics. Anyone know where
I could find a teacher?
I miss Aquarius. Miss Japanese drinks in general.
Someone remind me...why is the sky blue?
9/6/98 -- Fatigue sucks. Someone define love for me.
Back in school. Broken fingers suck.
Less than 500 days till year 2000. Cool.
Less than 700 days till I graduate. Wish I had more.
Less than 70 hours till first class of the year. TGIM(Thank God
It's Music).
7/29/98 -- The creation date of this page. I'm at work.
Why do people sweat when it's 30 degrees Celsius out, even
though body temperature is 35-37 degrees Celsius?
Wasting too much money these days. Kids are cool. God bless
e-mail. Bloomberg is good but not worth $799 a month or
whatever it costs. Am I really gonna name my kids "Ryu" and "Mana"?
Am I really gonna have kids? Chase should at least get Windows 95.
Windows 3.1 drives me crazy. Gotta climb Mt. Fuji sometime.
I'm hungry. Will the stock market crash at the end of 1999?
Sucks when you want something but you don't know what it is. It's usually
safe to assume it's sex but sometimes it's not, then it drives you crazy.
I could lie to people that my ancestors invented the stapler and
I might get away with it.
The eternal question: why can't you tickle yourself?
Between the chicken and the egg, it's definitely the chicken.
No question.
Unfounded research shows that for human arms to allow theaverage person
to fly, it would have to flap 98376 times per second. The
ruby-throated hummingbird, which weighs less than an American dime,
flaps 1000 times a second. That's definitely too much.
Liquid is cool. It's not solid, it's not gas, but it's weird. I think
I'd rather die because of a solid or a gas rather than drowning
in a liquid though.
What is the greatest way to die? No, it's not 'while having sex'.
I'll have to come back to this one.