Why is a Scoda like a baby ? ----- It never goes anywhere without a rattle.       

What did Bill Clinton say to Monica ? ----- I told you to lick my erection, not wreck my election.

What does pizza delivery man and a gynecologist have in common ? -----      Both can smell it but can't eat it.

What do you call a blonde with pigtails ? ----- A blow job with handle bars.

What do you get when you get Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy together ? ----- A red-headed bitch with a yeast infection.

How do you piss off Winnie The Pooh ? ----- By sticking your finger in his honey.

What's the difference between a Scoda and a school ? ----- A school breaks up and a scoda breaks down.

What do you call a Scoda with a sunroof ? ----- A skip.

What do you call a turbo-charged Scoda ? ----- A lawnmower.

Why did Westlife die ? ----- Because they tried flying without wings.

Why does Barbie have no babies ? ----- Because Ken only cums in a box.

I took my sister to see that film 96 Dalmatians, apparently there were 101 but 5 of them broke off and called themselves the spice girls.

You know when I was little all my family and school teachers new I would end up foul mouthed, you see I kept missing the o out of the word count.

When he was born his mum took one look at his head, one look at his rear end and said "my god Siamese twins"

Life is like a erection - the more you think about it the harder it gets.

My sister just came back off holiday, she's been to Disney world in Florida and she brought me back a watch, but I've lost one of the pointers so now I never know if its quarter to nine or if Mickey mouse has a fucking hard on.

I went on holiday and me and the wife got in the hotel and she said "well I love the full dress mirror but the rooms a bit small" I said "it's a lift you daft bastard"

My friend lives in a rough area, they even have to put the houses in a circle at night. I mean you can't shut the window without trapping some fuckers fingers. 

You know, everyone has the right to be a fat bastard but Mr. Blobby abuses the privilege.

Mr. Blobby has trouble with his feet, they keep walking into a pie shop.

Mr. Blobby is on a sea food diet, he sees food and fucking eats it.

My girl friend is right stubborn, I mean I do my best to turn her on, I cover myself with tuna so we smell the fucking same.

I was in bed with my girlfriend last night, and at about one o'clock I asked for a feel, she said piss off I have to be up at six, I said if it takes me fucking that long I’ll pack in doing it.

I went in to the chemist and there was a girl behind the counter, I said I’ll have a box of hum hum, she said what, I said a packet of hum hum, she said you what, I said a box of Kleenex, she said ah changed your mind have you, I said yeah I’m having a wank instead.

I rented that film out last night Titanic, someone said to me that if your gonna watch Titanic have a box of tissues, I sat there for three hours, there were nothing to wank over in that movie.

I came home yesterday and I was defer stated, I caught my best friend shagging my wife, I said get down Rex.

I went for a meal in this pub in Uppermill called the commercial and I had to complain, I told the landlady that the last time I saw a steak that burned Joan of Arc was fucking nailed to it.

Its a tragic world we live in isn’t it, a man can go and shoot John Lennon and fucking let Des O’ Conner live.

Now I’ll be honest I only have a six inch cock, mind some girls don't like it that thick do they.

I have women around me all day, its only at night I can’t get a fuck.

The girlfriend took me home to meet her father, he said I’d like my daughter to be back in the house by ten o’clock, ha ha ha fuckoff she'll be back in here at seven your not fucking pilling me off with that. She's a ugly bastard, she's the only girl I know who got her money back off the ghost train.

I love to watch the girls on blind date, why doesn’t Cilla Black ask the fucking questions we all want to know “did ya get allot allot of fucks over the weekend then” "surprise surprise she's your fucking sister”. Ah did you see the fat tart on there last week, I pissed myself laughing, the screen went back and the lad was expecting a dream boat not a fucking tug boat.

I’ll never forget my blind date I went to the big clock and I said to this girl hello are you Rosie, she said are you the great one, I said yeah she said well I’m not fucking Rosie then.

The girlfriends a right bitch I took her for a drink and she said I’ll have a brandy and baby sham, I said oh cheeky bastard I bet you weren't drinking brandy and baby shams last night, she said well no but nobody wanted me to suck his dick last night, so I got her one. Her faney is bigger than a Kit Kat, but then you only get four fucking fingers in a Kit Kat, she were looser than a fucking MFI wardrobe.

I said to this woman, are you on the game, she said what if I was, well saying if you were how much would you be, she said fifty quid, I said well you'd have to do it my way, she said well what's your way, I replied twenty pence a week.

I was coming home last night down the M62 and I got pulled by the police, they said have you been drinking sir, I said I’ve had one or two, he said yes but have you been drinking heavily, I said I've had fucking few alright, why do you ask, he said because your on your lawn Moyer.

Its rough in Blackpool now you know, I saw four lads beating up a old woman on the central pier, copper said why didn’t you help, I said well I don’t know who started it.

I came down this morning and my wife had a face longer than the fucking A1, she said bastard joy riders have dumped a lemon colored car and nicked the wheels, I said “its a skip you thick twat”

I could never trust a woman, how can you trust someone who bleeds for five days and doesn’t die. 

My dogs a cross between a pit bull terrier and a retriever, yes it will rip your leg off but it'll always bring the cunt back.

I’m sick of women moaning about how we men don’t know what pain is because we don’t give birth to babies, bullshit, have you ever caught your cock in your zip. Woman, they have babies three or four times, we catch our cock in our zip once and we get our mother to put buttons on our fucking trousers.

Always remember you have to have a good name to get on in the music business, like Eric Clapton, Billie Idle, Neil Diamond, there fucking good names, you never here anyone in the charts called Burt Possilfrate.

I saw this film, and this man was giving it this woman doggy fashion, now I've never understood that, why isn't it called catty fashion, I mean its the pussy you lubricating isn’t it.

I was sat in a bar and this fit bird came over to me and said "I'll do anything for two hundred pounds" I said here go decorate our fucking house.  

Don't kids drop you in the shit. Mother comes home and says to the kid "did you have a good time at the zoo" and they reply "Yes and one of dads horses came in at nine to one". Olso in the morning the kid will go up to the mother and say "mum last night I was walking past the bedroom door and I saw you jumping up and down on my dads belly" and the mother will say "that's because your dady has a very big belly and I have to jump on it to flatten it" and what the fuck do they say to that but only "well that seems silly because when you go to the shops Barbara from next door comes round and pumps it up again"

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