A grrr, baby, very grrr! Look at this woman, she is near perfection! Her music on the game was made by one of the guys from Twin Peeks. Speaking of twin peeks, did you notice those Double Ds? Those make me very randy! Yeah, baby!
Now, I'll be honest with you, baby. I never beat the entire game of Tomb Raider I, II or III, but I have the first 2 so I can see Lara's butt underwater! Yeow! Oh look, little Shaggy's awake again. Say hello to Ms. Croft and her 2 friends... Excuse me a moment, won't you?

AH!

OOOOOOOH!

YEEEEEEH!

Uhhhhhhn....

Do I smoke afterwards? I don't know, I never checked. Now then, where was I...

Everyone knows that the actual game is a peice of crap on a stick with funky camera angles, tough controls, sensitive controls, mind games, easy deaths and traps you can see from a mile away that they obviously stole from Indiana Jones. I mean, spikes closing in on you, rolling boulders and a boat chase in Venice? Please, don't insult my intelligence. Look, little Shaggy's up and about again! Err... Go back to sleep, little Shaggy.
So anyway, here we are, walking around Lara's home invading her privacy and pissing off her annoying little butler that everyone seems to like to lock in the meat locker in her kitchen and we realize what artwork this game is, ground breaking when it was new. To get a game of this quality nowadays... Well, it's damn near impossible. Sure, she's just CGI, a bunch of 1s and 0s, but my God she's busty. We walk into her room and jump around on her bed a little. We can go for a swim in her pool... Hell, in TR2, you can go outside into a maze or try your thumbs at Lara's obstacle course. There's a great big dance hall and a mess of hidden secrets we didn't even think were possible to be put in a house. Like, let's say another Indy ripoff with the Ark of the Covenant. While this is fun, we truly are missing the fun part of the game: SHOOTING STUFF! You can shoot a wolf, you can shoot a cult member, you can shoot a tiger, you can shoot a monkey, you can shoot a rival Tomb Raider, you can shoot a Russian guy with a big white gun... Dinosaurs even come into play.

.

Lara Croft grew up in an aristcratic family in southern England. Her father was shot in the right hip in South Africa and her mother is a complete bitch. Her father always loved her and supported her while her mother nagged her to become married. Finally, while coming from a diplomatic convention in Czecsotania, the cargo plane she was in was struck by lightning and plumeted into the Swiss alps. There, Lara and her fellow passengers were forced to survive until they're rescue. This experiance taught Lara of human mortality and the thrill of death and the joy of life, and she thirsted for more. She raided tombs, stealing precious artifacts from several cultures and auctioning them off to museums or private collectors. Her family saw this as grave robbing and eventually nearly disowned her, their daughter only by name. She supports herself by Tomb Raiding and selling the treasures, but she only does it for sport. She hasn't had a boyfriend since her fiancee, Jacob, died in that crash. So, woohoo, she's on the rebound!

So anyway, you can see why I see Ms. Croft as a Goddess and pretty much date chics that look a helluva lot like her (Long hair, brown eyes, white skin and athletic). However, something bad comes out of this: They expect me to be Rocky Boboa just because I'm an Italian boxer. Ah, well, I guess I'll just have to keep trying for the right Croft. =)

Enjoy the following eye candy, man.