Alright, man, so it's getting pretty old letting testoserone fly from Santa Monica to NYC. I understand, I've been there. But there is help! Trust me, I know! Become a lesbian. Yes, that's right, become a lesbian. Stay masculine while still being able to shag a biker chic. All you need are the following:

    TO BE A DYKE
  1. A pair of leather chaps
  2. A motor cycle
  3. A really nice ass
  4. A way with your tongue
  5. The ability to brag about a bar fight that everyone knows didn't REALLY happen.
  6. Must be 40 pounds overweight, double chin is essential
  7. Low key glasses
  8. Rough, cigarrette ridden speech
  9. Cigars
  10. Big 60s retro wig
  11. Most importantly, unless you don't have one: A vagina.

Don't let that vagina thing get you down, though. Hey, I'm a lesbian, myself, and I have the very opposite of a vagina. A large- HEY LOOK, IT'S A ONE EYED MONSTER! Oh, sorry, where was I? Oh, yes, did I mention I have big, round, lickable- NUTS! Anyone want my nuts? They're salted. So, anyway, in contrast to others, mine is not just a teeny- LITTLE PRICK? OW! That flu shot really hurt! Oh, sorry. Back to talking about my- BALL! One more of those and you can take your base. Anyway, I like to whack my- Stick and berries! Oh, how I love blueberries. Anyway, so you want to hear about my- BUNS AND TOASTER! MY BUNS ARE SOOOO HOT! THEY'RE ON FIRE! Aw, look at them, they're a crisp. Ahem, back to talking about my- GIANT LIZARD! IT'S GODZILLA! LOOK! Ok, that's enough. There is a feminine side to every man, and every woman knows this. Therefore, the part of you that is feminine, as in, the part of you that woman who's stink hole you flew out of, can actually be attracted to other women. However, not other men's feminine side, because that's really fucking gay. And nobody likes gays. No, really, think about it. Who's a gay that has made it in show business for more than 10 days? Anne Hesh comes to mind, but God, that doesn't work because everyone knows she's not really a lesbian. I mean, she kissed Harrison Ford, and that can show any dyke the light. He, Sean Connery and I- we call it a gift. No, really, we have our own club, we meet every Friday and brag about who we've shagged. Connery is beating the snot out of me and Harry ever since that damn Viagra thing popped up... Grrr... Moving along...

To get in touch with your innter lesbian, you must learn to accept yourself. Go ahead. Alright, are you done yet? Well hurry up, I don't have all fucking day, you know. Moron... Done? Look, I don't want to hear about this shit. Let's just say you're a raving crack addicted drag queen with low grade narcalepsy and a pension for buggery and enjoy being spanked by a black man in a chicken costume. Jesus, you're fucked up real bad. Anyway, now that you have gotten in touch with yourself, masturbate. A lot. If you're 14 like me, you know what to do. Next, go find a big dyke and shag her. Congrats, you're now a dyke. But a word of warning- Dykes may have thighs and big blue eyes, but before one with you might sleep at night remember they're crotch can bend a lead pipe.

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This has been a spirtual moment. Thank you.