**SCHOOL SCHTUFF**

pathetic outbursts triggered by the madness of school



**5 reasons why senator daniel patrick moynihan is retarded** (excluding the possibility that my cracked out mental state caused me to misunderstand his article DEFINING DEVIANCY DOWN)

1. THE CANADA THEORY: "i published an article showing that the correlation between eighth-grade math cores and distance of state capitals from the Canadian border was .522, a respectable showing....i offered the policy proposal that states wishing to improve their schools could move closer to canada".

ok, WHAT? my first question is, how the HELL does the distance of a state capital from the Canadian border have to do with ANYTHING, especially schools? Second, i don't know much about statistics, but .522 doesnt seem very substantial to me. it sounds like naked butt's IQ or something. third, how can a state move itself closer to canada? fourth, this is retarded. i could go on all day about how insane this theory seems to me.


2. OVER-WROUGHT NARCOLEPSY REFERENCES: "this numbness, this near narcoleptic state can diminish the human condition to the level of combat infantrymen, who, in protracted campaigns, can eat their battlefield rations seated on the bodies of the fallen, friend and foe alike"

ok, first, you want to know what narcolepsy is. it means you are afraid of narcols. thats fine and dandy, but was it really necessary to get all worked up over narcolepsy? what does narcolepsy have to do with deviance? personally, i think that if we were all narcoleptic, our society would have less crime. hell, if you can't stay awake to commit the crime, you ain't gonna do it. next, what the hell was up with the bit about eating food off of dead bodies in a battlefield? uh, i think maybe moynihan accidently started thinking about some of his own sadistic fantasies. nuff said.


3. SPUR-OF-THE-MOMENT (and quite irrelevant) ANECDOTES: "i represented secretary of labor arthur j. goldberg on this committee and drafted its final submission. he gave me a pen."

notice that the fact that some guy giving moynihan a pen has nothing to do with deviance and society. notice also that no one cares that some guy gave him a pen anyways.


4. "STUFFING BABIES UNDER THE BED": he quotes a newspaper article about stuffing a baby under a bed: "in her last dying act, the mother protected her baby. she knew she was going to die, so she stuffed the baby under the bed where she knew it would be safe". Moynihan was angry that this story did not make the guinness book of world records.

what is the deal with stuffing babies under the bed? that doesnt seem like a very safe place for babies if you ask me. even worse, why would we want to include this event in the guinness book of world records? did i miss something here?


5. THE BULLET THEORY: "guns don't kill people, i argue, bullets do. moreover, we have a two-century supply of handguns but only a four-year supply of ammunition" WHAT? maybe its just me, but it seems like someone's head is up their arse!


**ULYSSES** #1 REASON TO READ JOYCE:

you get to discuss:

1) venereal disease, 2) malt liquor, 3) and "slowly dismembering the cast of 'Friends' over a period of several months"

all in one class period.


**BETHANY AND TOMMY SHRED THE FEDERALIST PAPERS**

well this is the part of the night where i get really sick of trying to write a "personal response to the federalist papers" so i just said what the fuck and decided to write what i REALLY felt.

i thought it was interesting that madison attributed the formations of factions in society to human nature. after pondering this statement, i realized that madison sucks dick. a lot of dick. i think we should burn all the federalist papers because they piss me off and they dont make any sense. i dont think i have ever read anything that i disliked so immensely in my life. this is really blah reading material and we should burn it all. i also thought that madisons view of human nature was very realistic. madison explains that he is a dumbass and he doesnt know what the flying FUCK he is talking about. i think it is good that he was able to acknowledge his faults and admit that he had his head up his ass. in conclusion, my reading of the federalist papers made me want to burn them all and beat the hell out of someone.


the results are in--tommy revised my response to the federalist papers and he definately kicked my ass:

"madison uses lots of KY jelly to lubricate his bunghole as he proclaims his god-like status as i temporally fuck him. madison is devil spawn. he can become a mexican drag-queen named fatima for all i fucking care and he can suck the cocks of all the other political philosophers who are dry as a whore named wanda, whose coochie smells like aramark tuna salad served at our nutritious and fucking delicious dining hall at oglethorpe university. i must mention at this point that madison is a dirty bad whore because he does not climb out the window. instead he uses his bunghole as an osmotic device to slip out of all the whores he fucks around with. it tends to make a slurping sound, kinda like "swhhhhhhhuuurp". he doesnt like burritos either. boy does madison like dog cum! he laps it up like a polish whore named helga who uses grease to masturbate goats." --tommy mclean

coming soon: "tommy's story: how i became possessed with the spirit of jean-jacques rosseau for a week". dare to experience the terror of possession by philosopher first-hand!!!!!!