August 3, 1999
HomeThe Message Report:
A Couple of Complaints Concerning Commercials
by Alden SliterI watch too much TV. So, it's fairly safe to assume that, since even half an hour of TV has too many commercials in it, I see WAY to many words from their sponsors. The only way to avert insanity, or, worse, an urge to purchase something, is for me to talk back at these messages. Call me crazy, but it works. I just thought I'd take the time to share with you, gentle reader, some of the observations your loyal critic has made:
Subway Sanwiches, Inc. Since when did they get to copyright "subway"? What's next, "Reuben® Delicatessen"? "Grilledô Cheeseô Greaseô Standô"? And that's not the worst of it! Now the Subway Syndicate is trying to get in on the "wrap" craze. Those aren't even sandwiches! If I want a sandwich, I go to Subway Sandwiches; if I want a wrap, I go to a MEXICAN restaurant and order a goldarn burrito! Say it with me people: bur-RI-to!
And enough with the talking cartoon characters, already. It was cute when we were 5. You know, the Trix rabbit, Lucky the leprechaun, other assorted cereal characters, just, you know.... But now, 11:30 PM at night, a very adult timespot, talking CLOROX! Squirrel that away for winter!
Maybe it's one of those nostalgia-inducing tactics used so profusely by lazy advertising agencies and bigtime TV execs. Remember the tv special documentary "Scared Straight"? I don't! That was 1979! I wasn't born yet! But apparently it was so big time that now three different production companies are trying to cash in on its big twentieth anniversary. Scrum-diddly-umptious! (is that Willy Wonka or some cereal commercial? I can't remember!)
And speaking of lazy advertising agencies, take the one that both Hi-C Inc. and Wrigley Gums Inc. hired. So lazy, it delivered the same "cool" name to both! Now you can get that terrible "Eclipse" brand fruit juice flavor out of your mouth with "Eclipse" brand mint flavored gum! What genius thought that one up?
I really need to cut back on the TV.
