August 12, 1999

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I Haven't Seen It...:

Sorry About that Cigar...And is Woody a Stiff yet?

by Alden "Oops, Did I do That?"/"By the Way I'm Not Urkel" Sliter

Brokedown Palace.  That ain't the Worst Movie I Never Saw.  But it's dang close.

It does have a place close to my heart nonetheless.  It may be a complete knock-off of that other bad film I never saw, what's-it-called, but it did provide me with a cool moto:

How accurate is that, huh?  Purty darn, ah tell ya, purty darn.

Needless to say, this movie is guilty, very guilty.  I sentence it to 3 weeks at the box-office, and 25 to life on the video shelves.  I hear the DVD is gonna feature scenes they cut out cuz they're too explicit.  Mmm... too explicit.  Bless the makers of DVD, whomever they may be...

Pass me the jelly!

Ooh, scandelicious....  I saw Eyes Wide Shut, being the rabid Kubrick fan that I am, and am pleased to report that I did not notice the digitally added people obscuring the explicit acts of birth.  Nope, I was too busy staring at ole Tommy-boy.  (Hey, is that a fragrance by His Eminence, Tommy Hilfiger?  Or just a bad movie starring the Late, Great What's-His-Name,-You-Know,-The-One-Who-Was-Always-With-That-
Other-Guy,-David-Something-Or-Other?  Anyways...)

What was I talking about?  Oh yeah, Cruise.  You can't handle the truth!  Or...

Yeah, so that movie was about, well, y'know, as Ralph (of Simpson's fame) would put it... "makin' babies".  I, of course, being of the virtuous mind and spirit instilled in me by the noble Gryphon, kept my own eyes wide shut most of the movie, cuz I only went to hear the masterfully crafted Kubrickian dialogue anyway.  Yeah.  That "is" what I did...  That of course depends on what the definition of "is" is...

Wait, have you heard that one before?  Sorry, I thought it was kinda funny.

Moving right along...  Here's the video pick o' the issue:  Crimes and Misdemeanors, directed by Late, Great Woody Allen.  Oh wait, he's not dead yet, is he?  Eh, whatever.  It's cool.  Infidelity.  Murder.  Woody Allen.  Mussolini.  Alan Alda as the media mogul you love to hate.  Random, disconnected story lines, reminiscent of these sentences.  It's fun for the whole family! (minus pets, children, elderly and the insane.  And, of course, people who hate Woody Allen.)  Watch it and we'll talk about it sometime, m-kay?  All right... (or is it alright?  Sheesh.)

All I can say about the upcoming film "The Thirteenth Warrior" is: Da Bears!

Oink, this movie's gonna blow a hole in the prosecuction, don't ya think?  Well no one asked ya, did they?  They asked ME, cuz I'M the movie critic, and you sir (or ma'am), might I add, are NOT.  So just stay out of it!

Apologies are in order.  The stress of the impending school year is too much to handle.  I'm gonna crack, man!  OK, the good news is I've only got to read one more book.  The bad news is (and to some, good news, I'm sure) that it's long and boring.  No need to mention names, I'm sure everyone who matters knows what I'm talking about.  I've read, like, the first and last twenty pages of the book, and now I'm working on the middle three-sixty.  Oink.

What was I talking about?  Ah yes, "The Thirteenth Warrior".  Mega-"author" Michael Crick-dude is connected to it somehow, so -- oh wait, that's irrelevant.  Even Crick-dude couldn't save this dog.  Or bear.  Or whatever.

Yeah, right, pseudo-mideival times, evil bear warriors, yadda yadda yadda, boy gets the princess.

Sure.

Another movie I don't intend to see, ever, even though it features the Not-Late, Yet-Still- Great Dave Foley (of NewsRadio (not to mention Kids in the Hall) fame) in some random role as a presidential aide, is Dick.  That's right, Dick.  What a coincidence... Richard Nixon shares his name with... Richard Wagner!!  No relation, of course...  Uh, now that I'm done offending everyone...  Yeah, the movie's basically gonna blow the socks off anyone who sees it...  Not because of special effects, it's just bad.  Yeah.  Well, I think I should wrap this thing up, (at least for a while), cuz, well, slander's not my bag, baby.  Yeah it is.  No, it isn't.

Yeah it is.

Alden thinks bios blow things out of proportion, so he ain't gonna put one after this article.  And that's final.  No, really!  No bio!  It's just not cool!  Stop it!