DO NOT READ THIS PAGE IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFENDED.
A Sunday school teacher was teaching her class about the difference between right and wrong.
"All right children, let's take another example," she said. "If I were to get into a man's pocket and take his billfold with all his money, what would I be?"
Little Johnny raises his hand, and with a confident smile, he blurts out, "You'd be his wife!"
A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping."
A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied: "They couldn't get a baby-sitter."
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny what is the matter?"
Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."
A second grader came home from school and said to her mother, "Mom, guess what? We learned how to make babies today."
The mother, more than a little surprised, asked fearfully, "That's interesting. How do you make babies?"
"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."
45 mph --------------- God Will Take Care of You
55 mph --------------- Guide Me, O Thou Great Jehovah
65 mph --------------- Just A Closer Walk With Thee
75 mph --------------- Nearer My God To Thee
85 mph --------------- This World is Not My Home
95 mph --------------- Precious Memories
100 mph and over ----- Lord, I'm Coming Home
There was this lady who was visiting a church one Sunday. The sermon seemed to go on forever, and many in the congregation fell asleep.
After the service, to be social, she walked up to a very sleepy looking gentleman, extended her hand in greeting, and said, "Hello, I'm Gladys Dunn."
And the gentleman replied, "You're not the only one ma'am, I'm glad it's done too!!!"
A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and as always the preacher was standing at the door shaking hands as the congregation departed. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.
The preacher said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"
My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Preacher."
The preacher questioned, "How come I don't see you except for Christmas and Easter?"
He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."
Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Church. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals.
Miss Charlene Mason sang, "I Will Not Pass This Way Again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.
Next Sunday is the family hayride and bonfire at the Fowlers'. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Everyone come for a fun time.
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water.. " The sermon tonight "Searching for Jesus."
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Hell is Really Like." Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoy sinning to join the choir.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday. Please use the back door.
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."
A few minutes before the church services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one, an elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. So Satan walked up to the old man and said
"Don't you know who I am?"
"Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?"
"Nope, sure ain't."
"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?"
"Don't doubt it for a minute."
"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical AGONY for all eternity??"
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And you're still not afraid??" asked Satan.
"Nope."
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."
-You would always find a parking spot directly outside any building you are visiting.
-A detective can only solve a case after he has been suspended from duty.
-If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
-Most laptop computers would be powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
-If you are ever heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts, your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
-When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
-No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
-Police Departments would give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
-When they are alone, all foreigners would prefer to speak English to each other.
-When space travelers from earth make first contact with aliens from another galaxy, they will already speak English fluently.
-You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
-Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless there is a ticking time bomb behind the door.
-An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child.
-At the precise moment that you turn on the television, a news bulletin will air a story that affects you personally.
Socialism:
You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor.
Communism:
You have two cows. The government takes them both and provides you with milk.
Fascism:
You have two cows. The government takes them and sells you the milk.
Bureaucracy:
You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours it own the drain.
Capitalism:
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
Corporate:
You have two cows. You sell one, force the other to produce the milk of four cows and then act surprised when it drops dead.
Democracy:
You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point that you must sell them both in order to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow which was a gift from your government.
A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."
In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. She fumed for a few stops & started getting really worked up. The man seated next to her sensed that she was Agitated and asked her what was wrong.
"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed. The man sympathized and said, "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."
"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."
"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."
It seems a farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise.
"Hey Willis!!" the farmer yelled. "Forget your troubles. Come in with us. Then I'll help you get the wagon up."
"That's mighty nice of you, " Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to."
"Awe, come on," the farmer insisted.
"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "But Pa won't like it."
After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."
"Don't be foolish !" the neighbour said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?"
"Under the wagon."
The only survivor of a shipwreck was washed up on a small, uninhabited island. He prayed feverishly for God to rescue him, and every day he scanned the horizon for help, but none seemed forthcoming.
Exhausted, he eventually managed to build a little hut out of driftwood to protect himself from the elements, and to store his few possessions.
But then one day, after scavenging for food, he arrived home to find his little hut in flames, the smoke rolling up to the sky. The worst had happened---everything was lost. He was stunned with grief and anger.
He cried, "God, how could you do this to me?"
Early the next day, however, he was awakened by the sound of a ship that was approaching the island. It had come to rescue him. "How did you know I was here?" asked the weary man of his rescuers. "We saw your smoke signal," they replied.
On Red Sea crossing:
WETLANDS TRAMPLED IN LABOR STRIKE
Pursuing Environmentalists Killed
On David vs. Goliath:
HATE CRIME KILLS BELOVED CHAMPION
Psychologist Questions Influence of Rock
On Elijah on Mt. Carmel:
FIRE SENDS RELIGIOUS RIGHT EXTREMIST INTO FRENZY
400 Killed
On the birth of Christ:
HOTELS FULL, ANIMALS LEFT HOMELESS
Animal Rights Activists Enraged by Insensitive Couple
On feeding the 5,000:
PREACHER STEALS CHILD'S LUNCH
Disciples Mystified Over Behavior
On healing the 10 lepers:
LOCAL DOCTOR'S PRACTICE RUINED
"Faith Healer" Causes Bankruptcy
On healing of the Gadarene demoniac:
MADMAN'S FRIEND CAUSES STAMPEDE
Local Farmer's Investment Lost
On raising Lazarus from the dead:
FUNDAMENTALIST PREACHER RAISES A STINK
Will Reading to be Delayed
The new youth pastor stopped to call on a visitor. The teen leaves her guest standing by the fireplace to inform her Mother of his visit. While she is out of the room the pastor picks up a curious looking vase from the mantle. Just then both women enter the room.
"This is an interesting vase," he says, trying to excuse his curiosity.
The girl replies, "Oh, those are just my father's ashes."
This startles the pastor so much that he drops the vase, where it shatters on the hearth scattering ashes across the room!
He looks at the floor. He looks at the girl. He looks at the floor again. He looks at her mother. "I am SO-O-O-O sorry. I cannot believe what a clumsy fool I am. What can I do? Is there anything I can do?"
"Don't worry about it," the mother says. "I bought the vase at Wal-mart."
"But... but your husband's ashes..."
"Well," the mother answers, "He can stop being so lazy and start using an ashtray from now on."
The Pope had just finished a tour of the Florida East Coast and was taking a limousine to the airport. Having never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for a while. Well, the chauffeur didn't have much of a choice, so he got in the back of the limo and the Pope took the wheel. He turned onto I-95 and accelerated to about 90 MPH.
WHAM!
The blue lights of the State Highway Patrol flashed in his rearview mirror. He pulled over and a trooper came to his window. When the trooper saw who it was, he said, "Just a moment, please, I need to call in." The trooper radioed in and asked for the chief. He said, "I have a REALLY important person pulled over and I need to know what to do."
The chief replied, "Who is it, not Ted Kennedy again?"
The trooper said, "No, even more important."
"It isn't the Governor Jeb Bush is it?" asked the chief.
"No, even more important," replied the trooper.
"It isn't the President George Bush, is it?"
"No, replied the trooper, "even more important."
"Well, WHO the HECK is it?!" screamed the chief.
The trooper responded, "I don't know for sure but I think it might be Jesus, because his chauffeur is the Pope!"
Passengers on a small commuter plane are waiting for the flight to leave and they're getting a little impatient. But the airport staff has assured them that the pilots will be there soon and the flight can take off immediately there after. The entrance opens and two men walk upthe aisle, dressed in pilots' uniforms. Both are wearing dark glasses.
One is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a white, tipped cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin as the men enter the cockpit. The door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing around, nervously, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and people at the windows realize that they're headed straight for the edge of the water at the end of the airport's property. It begins to look as though the plane will never take off - that it will plow into the water!!
Panicked screams fill the cabin-but at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly. Soon they have all retreated into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.
Up in the cockpit, the copilot turns to the pilot and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're going to scream too late, and we're all gonna die?!"
People wonder, when Jesus fed 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish.
People grumble about Noah letting coyotes on the ark.
The pastor wears boots.
The preacher says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering" and five guys stand up.
Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.
A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."
When it rains, everyone is smiling.
Prayers regarding the weather are standard practice.
The choir group is known as the "OK Chorale".
Four generations of the same family sit together in worship.
There is no such thing as a "secret" sin.
Baptism is referred to as "branding".
There is a special fund raiser for a new church septic tank.
Finding and returning lost sheep isn't just a parable.
High notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling.
People think "rapture" is when you lift something too heavy.
The final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now, yah hear?"
Alabama: At Least We're not Mississippi
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't be Wrong!
Arizona: But It's a Dry Heat
Arkansas: Litterasy Ain't Everthing
California: As Seen on TV
Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character
Delaware: We Really Do Like the Chemicals in our Water
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
Georgia: Without Atlanta we're Alabama.
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)
Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes... Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"
Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky: Five Million People; Seven Last Names
Louisiana: We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign
Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland: A Thinking Man's Delaware
Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's
Michigan: First Line of Defense From the Canadians
Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes and 10,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
Mississippi: Come Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work
Montana: Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, and Very Little Else
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada: Show Girls and Poker!
New Hampshire: Go Away and Leave Us Alone
New Jersey: You Want a Stinkin' Motto? I Got Yer Stinkin' Motto Right Here!
New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York: You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney...
North Carolina: Tobacco is a Vegetable
North Dakota: We Really are One of the 50 States!
Ohio: We Wish We Were In Michigan
Oklahoma: Like the Play, only No Singing
Oregon: Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island.
South Carolina: We Have Never Actually Surrendered to the North.
South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee: The Educashun State
Texas: A Whole 'Nother Country!
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont: Yep
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds and Slackers!
Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family -- Really!
Wisconsin: Come Cut Our Cheese
Wyoming: Wynot?
When me prayers were poorly said
Who tucked me in me widdle bed
And spanked me bum 'til it were wed?
Me Mudder
Who took me from me cozy cot
And put me on the ice cold pot
And made me pee if I could not?
Me Mudder
And when the morning light would come
And in me crib me dribbled some
Who wiped me tiny widdle bum?
Me Mudder
Who would me hair so neatly part
And hug me gently to her heart
Who sometimes squeezed me till me f***?
Me Mudder
Who looked at me with eyebrows set
And switched me wit a stick I get
When in me Sunday pants me wet?
Me Mudder
When at night I softly pled
To let me sleep with her instead
Who yelled at me to go to bed?
Me Farver!
- she sold her car for gas money.
- when she found out that an NC-17 movie means "under 17 not admitted", she went home and got 16 friends.
- when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
- she thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican telephone company.
- she missed the #4 bus, so she took the #2 bus twice instead.
- she called me to get my phone number.
- she spent 20 minutes staring at an orange juice box because it said "concentrate."
- she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
- she got stabbed in a shoot-out.
- she called information to get the number for "9-1-1".
- she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
- she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
- she sat on the TV and watched the couch.
- she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
- she tried to drown a fish.
- she almost drowned herself when she found a scratch-and-sniff sticker at the bottom of the swimming pool
- she wouldn't date the quarterback because she thought he had a deformity in the shape of George Washington's profile.
- she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
- if you gave her a penny for her thoughts, you'd get change back.
- they had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade.
- under "education" on her resume, it says "Hooked On Phonics."
- she tripped over a cordless phone.
- she took a yardstick to bed to see how long she slept.
- at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here"...she put Sagittarius."
- she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
- it takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes.
- if she spoke her mind, she'd probably be speechless.
- she studied for a blood test.
- she thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center.
- she thought Meow Mix was a record for cats.
- she tried to buy a token to get on Soul Train.
- when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home.
Now send this to at least 5 people or you'll get bad luck for 7 years!!!!!!!!!!!
0-4=Bad luck for 7 years
5-9=your crush will start to like you
10-14=your crush will ask you out
15-19=you and your crush will makeout all the time
20+=all of the above and you'll get everything you want in life
NOW EVERYONE SAY IT WITH ME:
Bill Gates is NOT going to send me money, Victoria's Secret doesn't know anything about a gift certificate they're supposed to send me and Ford will not give me a 50% discount even if I HAVE forwarded my e-mail to more than 50 people.
I will NEVER receive gift certificates, coupons or freebies from Coca Cola, Cracker Barrel, or Old Navy if I send this to 10 people who don't know who I am anyway; my phone will not MYSTERIOUSLY ring after I forward this.
There is NO SUCH THING as an Email tracker, and I am not STUPID enough to think that someone will send me $100 for forwarding this to 10 or more people.
There is no kid with cancer through the Make a Wish Program in England collecting anything. He had cancer when he was 7 yrs old. He is now cancer free and 35 years old (I think more like 15 years now) and DOESN'T WANT ANYMORE POSTCARDS, CALLING CARDS OR GET WELL CARDS!
The government does not have a bill in congress called 901B (or whatever they named it this week) that if passed will enable them to charge us 5 cents for every sent e-mail;
There will be NO cool dancing, singing, waving, colorful flower, character, or program I will receive immediately after I forward this. People are just trying to talk me into doing it to make me look like a fool.
The American Red Cross will not donate 50 cents to a certain individual dying of some never heard of before disease for every email address I send this to; The American Red Cross RECEIVES donations, they don't donate!
And finally, I WILL NOT let others guilt me into sending things on to my friends for fear they will think I am not their friend...or by telling me I have no conscious or don't believe in Jesus.
Now, repeat this until you've memorized it and then send it along to at least 5 of your friends before the next full moon or you will be constipated for the next 3 months!!
---
--- [email protected]
--- EarthLink: It's your Internet.
I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind.
I must admit, you brought religion into my life. I never believed in Hell till I met you.
Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: What was I thinking?
As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me.
If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister.
As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy...
Thanks for being a part of my life! I never knew what evil was before this!
Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, I would like you to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again.
Someday I hope to get married, but not to you.
I just want you to know that I'm sorry for what happened, especially since you survived.
Happy Birthday! You look great for your age... Almost
Lifelike!
Congratulations on getting married! It's not every day you decide to ruin your life!
What's the difference between a Southern zoo, and a Northern zoo?
-- A Southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front the cage, along with a recipe.
What's the Cuban National Anthem?
-- Row row row your boat.
What's the difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern fairytale?
-- A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time." A Southern fairytale begins "'Y'all ain't gonna believe this."
What do you call a smart blonde?
-- A golden retriever.
What do attorneys use for birth control?
-- Their personalities.
What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
-- 45 lbs.
How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
-- None, they just sit there in the dark and complain.
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
-- Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Why do men want to marry virgins?
-- They can't stand criticism.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
-- Because those men already have boyfriends.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
-- After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
-- The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Why does the bride always wear white?
-- Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.
A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest
bosoms?
-- The blonde, because she's 18.
(deleted bunny joke)
(deleted porcupine joke)
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
-- "Are you sure it's mine?"
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
-- Mace will do that to you.
Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
-- Everyone has the same DNA.
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
-- A speech impediment.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
-- Women don't have eyes on their chests.
Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
-- He walks around saying "Yo."
Did you hear about the dyslexic cultist that sold his soul to Santa?
Did you hear about the dyslexic drunk that walked into a bra for a drink?
Why do drivers' education classes in Kentucky public schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
-- Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, you should know five things:
1 - The bartender is a blonde girl. 2 - The bouncer is a blonde gal. 3 - I'm a 6-foot tall, 200-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate. 4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weight lifter. 5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
1) Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17-inch paper, 99 copies.
2) Sit in your yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
3) Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
4) If you have a glass eye, tap on it with your pen while talking to others.
5) Sing along at the opera.
6) Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
7) Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
8) Practice making fax and modem noises.
9) Highlight irrelevant material in scientific papers and them to your manager.
10) Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
11) Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
12) Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
13) Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the cartridge across the room.
14) Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
15) Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
16) Staple papers in the middle of the page.
17) Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
18) Honk and wave to strangers.
19) Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
20) TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE.
21) type only in lowercase.
22) dont use any punctuation either
23) Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
24) Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."
25) As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
26) Try playing the William Tell Overture (The Lone Ranger Theme) by tapping on the bottom of your chin) When nearly done, announce, "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
27) TELL YOUR FRIENDS 4 DAYS PRIOR, THAT YOU CAN'T ATTEND THEIR PARTY BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT IN THE MOOD!
28) While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
29) Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble the answers in a notebook) Mutter something about "psychological profiles."
30) Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
31) Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
32) Send this list to everyone in your email address book even if they sent it to you or have asked you not to send them things like this.
* How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
* How do you get the "Keep off the Grass" sign on the grass?
* How do you get off a non-stop flight?
* How do you know when you've run out of invisible ink?
* How do you throw away a garbage can?
* How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
************************************************************
* If a pig is sold to the pawn shop, is it considered a ham-hock?
* If a turtle lost his shell, is he homeless, naked, or both?
* If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?
* If corn oil is made from corn, where do we get baby oil from?
* If I save time, when do I get it back?
* If rabbits' feet are so lucky, then what happened to the rabbit?
* If Superman is so smart why does he wear his underpants over his trousers?
* If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look like the way they do?
* If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
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* If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
* If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?
* If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?
* If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
* If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
* If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
* Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
* Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?
* Was the pole vault accidentally discovered by a clumsy javelin thrower?
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* What do people in China call their good plates?
* What do you call a bedroom with no bed in it?
* What do you call a male ladybug?
* What do you say if you're talking to God, and he sneezes?
* What happens to an 18 hour bra after 18 hours?
* What if you're in hell, and you're mad at someone, where do you tell them to go?
* What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
* What makes cheese so confidential that we actually need cheese shredders?
* When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
* When cows laugh, does milk come out of their noses?
* When they first invented the clock, how did they know what time it was to set it to?
* Where are the germs that causes good breath?
* Where do they get Spring water in the other 3 seasons?
* Why are all blackboards called that when some of them are green?
* Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?
* Why are they called "stands" when they're made for sitting?
* Why aren't there ever any guilty bystanders?
* Why do ballet dancers dance on their toes? Why doesn't the company just hire taller dancers?
* Why do people tell you when they are speechless?
* Why do they give you a tape with a VCR to tell you how to use it?
* Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
* Why do we need training bras? What can we teach them?
* Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
* Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game," when we are already there?
* Why do your feet smell and your nose runs?
* Why do you need an appointment to see a psychic... shouldn't they already know you're coming?
* Why does it take 15 minutes to cook minute rice?
* Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
* Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
* Why don't they just use fattest man in the world for a hockey goalie?
* Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
* Why is it called a "building" when it is already built?
* Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
* Why is it that bullets ricochet off of Superman's chest, but he ducks when the gun is thrown at him?
* Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
* Dumb Question: If your scared half to death twice, what happens?
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't live there.
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
Whatever happened to preparations A through G?
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."
So what's the speed of dark?
How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dis-ing them anyhow?
After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?
Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?
Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?
Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery Again"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a "broker"?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called "rush hour"?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (and that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)
On a bag of Fritos: ..You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?)
On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how??...)
On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion.)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????..)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and... I'm taking this because???....)
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what?)
On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
1) Only in America can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2) ...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3) ...do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4) ...do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, chocolate chip cookies and a diet coke.
5) ...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6) ...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7) ...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8) ...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9) ...do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10) ...do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
A well-known cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.
The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When confronted, he said "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral - I'm a gynecologist."
At that point, the proctologist fainted.
1)"Fine" - This is the word women use at the end of any argument when they feel they are right but can't stand to hear you argue any longer. It means that you should shut up. (NEVER use "fine" to describe how she looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.)
2)"Five minutes" - This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so women feel that it's an even trade.
3) "Nothing" - "Nothing" means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine."
4) "Go Ahead" (with raised eyebrows) - This is NOT permission; it's a dare! If you mistake it for permission, the result will be the woman will get upset over "Nothing" and you'll have a "five-minute" discussion that will end with the word "Fine."
5) "Go Ahead" (normal eyebrows) - This is NOT permission either. It means, "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care." You will get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.
6) "Loud Sigh" - This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement. Very frequently misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are a complete idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing!"
7) "Soft Sigh" - Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. It means she is momentarily content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe in the hope that the moment will last a bit longer.
8) "Oh" - This word -- followed by any statement -- is trouble. Example; "Oh, let me get that". Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night." If she says "Oh" before a statement, run, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least two days. "Oh" as the lead to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get a raised eyebrows "Go ahead," sometimes followed by acts so unspeakable that I can't bring myself to write about them.
9) "That's Okay" - This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's Okay," means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding what the penalty will be for whatever you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead." Once she has had time to plan it out, you are in for some mighty big trouble.
10) "Please Do" - This is not a statement, it is an offer. The woman is giving you the chance to come up with an excuse for what you have done. In other words, a chance to get yourself into even more trouble. If you handle this correctly, you shouldn't get a "That's Okay."
11) "Thanks" - The woman is thanking you. Don't faint and don't look for hidden meaning. Just say, "You're welcome."
12) "Thanks A Lot" - "Thanks A Lot" is dramatically different from "Thanks." A woman will say "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It is usually followed by the "Loud Sigh." This signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way. Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing."
Other words and actions to keep in mind. No explanation necessary.
"Later", Walk-Away, Silent Treatment, "I'll do it myself", "We'll talk", "Whatever", "Forget about it", "Nice", "If that's what you want"
Note: Due to the Complexity and Difficulty Level of Their Contents, Each Course Will Accept a Maximum of 8 Participants.
Topic 1 - How to Fill up the Ice Cube Trays. Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Topic 2 - the Toilet Paper Roll: Do They Grow on the Holders? Round Table Discussion.
Topic 3 - Is it Possible to Urinate by Lifting the Seat up and Avoid Spraying the Floor/walls and Nearby Bathtub? Group Practice.
Topic 4 - Fundamental Differences Between the Laundry Hamper and the Floor. Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Topic 5 - the After-dinner Dishes and Silverware: Can They Levitate and Fly into the Kitchen Sink? Examples on Video.
Topic 6 - Loss of Identity: Losing the Remote to Your Significant Other. Helpline Support and Support Groups.
Topic 7 - Learning How to Find Things, Starting with Looking in the Right Place Instead of Turning the House Upside down While Screaming. Open Forum.
Topic 8 - Health Watch: Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful to Your Health. Graphics and Audio Tape.
Topic 9 - Real Men Ask for Directions When Lost. Real Life Testimonials.
Topic 10 - Is it Genetically Impossible to Sit Quietly as She Parallel Parks? Driving Simulation.
Topic 11 - Learning to Live: Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife. Online Class and Role Playing.
Topic 12 - How to Be the Ideal Shopping Companion: Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Topic 13 - How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy: Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries, Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going to Be Late. Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
** Upon Completion of the Course Diplomas Will Be Issued to the Survivors
Buying gifts for men is not nearly as complicated as it is for women. Follow these rules and you should have no problems.
Rule #1: When in doubt, buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17, and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.
Rule #2: If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word "ratchet" or "socket" on it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. By the way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?" Again, no one knows why.
Rule #3: If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car: a 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of de-icer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.
Rule #4: Never buy men bathrobes. Once I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn't have invented Jockey shorts.
Rule #5: You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money, buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.
Rule #6: Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after-shave or deodorant. I'm told they do not stink - they are "earthy."
Rule #7: Buy men label-makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. "Socks. Shorts. Cups. saucers. Door. Lock. Sink." You get the idea. No one knows why.
Rule #8: Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over.
Rule #9: Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. (NAPA Auto Parts and Sears Clearance Centers are also excellent men's stores.) It doesn't matter if he doesn't know what it is. ("From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! Thanks.")
Rule #10: Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook, although they will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?"
Rule #11: Tickets to a Cowboys game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts." Everyone knows why.
Rule #12: Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. If you don't know why, please refer to Rule #7 and what happens when he gets a label-maker.
Rule #13: It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a stepladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why.
Rule #14: Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8" manila rope. No one knows why.
An old man decided his old wife was getting hard of hearing. He called her doctor to make an appointment to have her hearing checked.
The doctor said he could see her in two weeks, and meanwhile there's a simple, informal test the husband could do to give the doctor some idea of the dimensions of the problem.
"Here's what you do. Start about 40 feet away from her, and speak in a normal conversational tone and see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."
So that evening she's in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he's in the living room, and he says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away ... let's see what happens."
"Honey, what's for supper?"
No response.
So he moves to the other end of the room, about 30 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?"
No response.
So he moves! In the dining room, about 20 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?"
No response.
At the kitchen door, ten feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?"
STILL no response.
So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for supper?"
"For the fifth time, CHICKEN!!"
A man left work on Friday afternoon, but instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.
When he finally appeared at home Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade of his actions. Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and said to him. "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
6 men will be dropped on an island with 1 van and 4 kids each, for 6 weeks.
Each kid plays two sports and either takes music or dance classes.
There is no access to fast food.
Each man must take care of his 4 kids, keep his assigned house clean, correct all homework, complete science projects, cook, do laundry, etc.
The men only have access to television when the kids are asleep and all chores are done:
There is only one TV between them and there is no remote.
The men must shave their legs and wear makeup daily, which they must apply themselves either while driving or while making four lunches.
They must attend weekly PTA meetings; clean up after their sick children at 3:00 a.m; make an Indian hut model with six toothpicks, a tortilla and one marker; and get a 4 year old to eat a serving of peas.
The kids vote them off based on performance.
The winner gets to go back to his job.
1. AIRPLANE RIDE
Bill and his wife Martha went to the state fair every year and every year Bill would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that airplane."
Martha always replied, "I know Bill, but that airplane ride costs 10 dollars, and 10 dollars is 10 dollars."
One year Bill and Martha went to the fair and Bill said, Martha, I'm 81 years old. If I don't ride that airplane I might never get another chance."
Martha replied, "Bill, that airplane ride costs 10 dollars, and 10 dollars is 10 dollars."
The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you; but if you say one word it's 10 dollars."
Bill and Martha agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Bill and said, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."
Bill replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but 10 dollars is 10 dollars."
2. HOW TO CHANGE YOUR OIL
Women:
1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube 3000 miles after the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) Fifteen minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Men:
1) Go to O'Reilly auto parts and write a check for 50 dollars for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and scented tree.
2) Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 13mm box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on hand in the process.
12) Clean up.
13) Have another beer while oil is draining.
14) Look for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; poke oil filter with Phillips head screwdriver and twist it off.
16) Beer.
17) Buddy shows up. Finish case with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
18) Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car, dump in hole in back yard.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during steps 11, 15, & 18.
20) Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7-11 and buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan. Pan is empty. Find drain plug in back yard hole.
26) Hurry to replace drain plug as last drop of fresh oil drains onto floor.
27) Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.
28) Bang head on bumper in reaction.
29) Begin cussing fit.
30) Throw wrench.
31) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1982) in the left boob.
32) Clean up. Apply Band-Aid to knuckle.
33) Beer.
34) Beer.
35) Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.
36) Beer.
37) Lower car from jack stands.
38) Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.
39) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 26.
40) Drive car a quart low for 7000 miles when it'll be time for another oil change.
3. FINDING THAT ONE SPECIAL GAL
Jimmy is almost 29 years old, his friends have already gotten married, and Jimmy just dates and dates.
Finally a friend asks him, "What's the matter, are you looking for the perfect woman? Are you that particular? Can't you find anyone who suits you?"
"No," Jimmy replies. "I meet many nice girls, but as soon as I bring them home to meet my parents, my Mother doesn't like them. So I keep on looking!"
"Listen," his friend suggests, "Why don't you find a girl who's just like your dear ole Mother?"
Many weeks go by and again Jimmy and his friend get together. "So, Jimmy, did you find the perfect girl yet? One that's just like your Mother?"
Jimmy shrugs his shoulders, "Yes I found one just like Mom. My Mother loved her, they quickly became friends."
"Are you and this girl engaged, yet?"
"I'm afraid not, my Father can't stand her!"
4. HIGH EXPECTATIONS
A friend of mine told me about this new Husband Shopping Center where a woman could go to choose from among many men for her husband. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended up the floors.
The only rule was once you opened the door to any floor, you must choose a man from that floor and if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place. So, a couple of girl friends go to the place to find a man as a prospective husband.
First floor, the door had a sign saying: "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and say, "Well that's better than not having jobs or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up". So up they go.
Second floor says: "These men have high-paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good-looking." "Hmmm," say the girls. "But, I wonder what's further up?
Third floor: "These men have high-paying jobs, are extremely good-looking, love kids, and help with the housework. "Wow! say the women. "Very tempting, BUT, there's more further up!" And up they go.
Fourth floor: "These men have high-paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good-looking, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak." "Oh, mercy me. But just think! What must be awaiting us further on!" So up to the fifth floor they go.
The sign on that door said: "This floor is just to prove that women are impossible to please."
5. UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
It is important for men to remember that as women grow older it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as they did when they were younger. When men notice this, they should try not to yell. Let me relate how I handle the situation....
When I chucked my job and took early retirement a year ago, it became necessary for my wife to get a full-time job, both for extra income and for health insurance benefits that we need.
She was a trained lab tech when we met thirty some years ago and was fortunate to land a job at the local medical center as a phlebotomist. It was shortly after she started working at this job that noticed that she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from fishing or hunting about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says that she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts supper. I try not to yell at her when this happens. Instead, I tell her to take her time. I understand that she is not as young as she used to be. I just tell her to wake me when she finally does get supper on the table.
She used to wash and dry the dishes as soon as we finished eating. It is now not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after supper. I do what I can by reminding her several times each evening that they aren't cleaning themselves. I know she appreciates this, as it does seem to help her get them done before she goes to bed.
Our washer and dryer are in the basement. When she was younger, my Wife used to be able to go up and down the stairs all day and not get tired. Now that she is older she seems to get tired so much more quickly. Sometimes she says she just can't make another trip down those steps. I don't make a big issue of this. As long as she finishes up the laundry the next evening I am willing to overlook it.
Not only that, but unless I need something ironed to wear to the Monday's lodge meeting or to Wednesday's or Saturday's poker club or to Tuesday's or Thursday's bowling or something like that, I will tell her to wait until the next evening to do the ironing. This gives her a little more time to do some of those odds and ends things like shampooing the dog, vacuuming, or dusting.
Also, if I have had a really good day fishing, this allows her to gut and scale the fish at a more leisurely pace. She is starting to complain a little occasionally. Not often, mind you, but just enough for me to notice.
For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. In spite of her complaining, I continue to try to offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any, if you know what I mean.
When doing simple jobs she seems to think she needs more rest periods than she used to have to take. A couple of weeks ago she said she had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I overlook comments like these because I realize it's just age talking. In fact, I try not to embarrass her when she needs these little extra rest breaks. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. I tell her that as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me and take her break by the hammock so she can talk with me until I fall asleep.
I could go on and on, but I think you know where I'm coming from. I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support my Wife on a daily basis. I'm not saying that the ability to show this much consideration is easy.
Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible. No one knows better than I do how frustrating women can become as they get older. My purpose in writing this is simply to suggest that you make the effort.
I realize that achieving the exemplary level of showing consideration I have attained is out of reach for the average man. However guys, even if you just yell at your wife a little less often because of this article, I will consider that writing it was worthwhile. ~~~~~<>~~~~~
Author is currently in the Federal Witness Protection Program.
6. MEN AND WOMEN DIFFERENCES
NICKNAMES
If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose.
If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.
EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50 . None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.
BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor,a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337 . A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about Dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
7. THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Any married man should forget his mistakes.
8. THE MEMORY IS THE FIRST THING TO GO
A couple in their nineties are having problems remembering things, so they decide to the go the doctor for a checkup.
The doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember things.
Later that night while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. His wife asks, "Where are you going?" "To the kitchen," he replies.
She asks, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" The husband says, "Sure." She gently reminds him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"
He says, "No, I can remember that." She then says, "Well, I'd like some strawberries on top.
You'd better write it down 'cause I know you'll forget it." He says, "I can remember that - you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
She adds, "I'd also like whipped cream. Now I'm certain you'll forget that, so you'd better write it down."
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down! I can remember that! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream!"
He then grumbles into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "Where's my toast?
9. AND GOD CREATED WOMAN....
First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden.
Then he said to himself, "There's something he is needin"
After casting about for a suitable pearl,
He kept messing around and created a girl.
Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender,
Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender.
Two lovely hips to increase his desire,
And rounded and firm to bring out the fire.
Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud
Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud.
Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you,
And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.
Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder,
And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder.
'Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing.
Then he added a mouth, and ruined the whole damn thing!!
10. MAROONED TOO LONG
A young fellow from Milwaukee became marooned on a deserted South Pacific island after his cruise ship sank. For several years, he managed to live on fruits and vegetables he found on the island, together with shellfish and an occasional fish he was able to catch.
Then, one day as he was sitting on the beach, he saw an object approaching the island. As it got closer, he could see that it was a woman astride a barrel. When she finally managed to paddle the barrel ashore, he ran over to greet her, and noticed that she was a beautiful girl. "Wow," he exclaimed, "I'm sure glad to see you!"
Noticing that his clothes were gone and he had quite a beard, she asked "My goodness, how long have you been here by yourself?" "Almost four years, I think" he replied. She said "Well, I'm going to give you something you haven't had in a long time, and I'm sure you have missed."
"Well, I'll be!" he exclaimed, "Have you got beer in that barrel?"
11. ATM
The differences between how a woman and a man uses a drive-through banking machine. Here is his and hers ATM usage explained...
HIM
1) Pull up to ATM
2) Insert card
3) Enter PIN number and account
4) Take cash, card, and receipt
HER
1) Pull up to ATM
2) Check makeup in rearview mirror
3) Shut off engine
4) Put keys in purse
5) Get out of car because you're too far from machine
6) Hunt for card in purse
7) Insert card
8) Hunt in purse for wrapper with PIN number written on it
9) Enter PIN number
10) Study instructions for at least 2 minutes.
11) Hit "cancel"
12) Re-enter correct PIN number
13) Check balance
14) Look for envelope
15) Look in purse for pen
16) Make out deposit slip
17) Endorse checks
18) Make deposit
19) Study instructions
20) Make cash withdrawal
21) Get in car
22) Check makeup
23) Look for keys
24) Start car
25) Check makeup
26) Start pulling away
27) STOP
28) Back up to machine
29) Get out of car
30) Take card and receipt
31) Get back in car
32) Put card in wallet
33) Put receipt in checkbook
34) Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook
35) Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook
36) Check makeup
37) Put car in gear, reverse
38) Put car in drive
39) Drive away from machine
40) Travel 3 miles
41) Release parking brake
12. BUSTED
A man calls home to his wife and says, Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up.
Oh! Please, pack my new blue silk pajamas.
The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked.
The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good.
The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish?
He says, "Yes! Lots of Walleye, some Bluegill, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"
The wife replies; I did, they were in your tackle box.
The passenger tapped the cab driver on the shoulder to ask him something.
The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the sidewalk, and stopped inches from a department store window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mister, don't ever do that again. You scared me half to death!"
The passenger apologized and said he didn't realize that a little tap could scare him so much.
The driver replied, "You're right. I'm sorry, really it's not your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been hearse for 25 years.
I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.
The Lord's Prayer is 66 words, the Gettysburg Address is 286 words, there are 1,322 words in the Declaration of Independence, but government regulations on the sale of cabbage total 26,911 words.
Half of the people in the world are below average.
There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets?
I still miss my ex-girlfriend, but my aim is getting better.
If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base.
Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
Please circle one: Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?
1. Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.
2. Advising the President.
3. Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.
Calvin: People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put
up with all the idiots in the world.
Hobbes: Isn't your pants' zipper supposed to be in the front?
The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them. -
William Clayton
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell her she has the right to remain silent?
If a book about failure doesn't sell, is it a success?
If it's tourist season why can't we shoot them?
Do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?
How can there be self-help "groups"?
If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
If a mute swears, does his mother make him wash his hands with soap?
If someone has a mid-life crises while playing hide & seek, does he automatically lose because he can't find himself?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow, but only to be troubled and insecure?
Is there another word for synonym?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Just "before" someone gets nervous, do they experience cocoons in their stomach?
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket signs?
When you open a new bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why do they report power outages on TV?
Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?
A Few More Random Thoughts...
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I’d be gone. I said, "The whole time."
So what’s the speed of dark?
How come you don’t ever hear about gruntled employees?
Why don’t they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
Isn’t Disney World a people trap run by a mouse?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
Light travels faster than sound.
Is that why some people appear intelligent until you hear them speak?
How come ‘abbreviated’ is such a long word?
Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?
Why are they called apartments, when they’re all stuck together?
Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" when they already know you don’t have any?
If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding
into?
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?
Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
Why is it, when a door is open it’s ajar, but when a jar is open, it’s not adore?
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you.
Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
If Superman could stop bullets with his chest,
why did he always duck when someone threw a gun at him?
Why does lemon juice contain "artificial ingredients"
but dishwashing liquid contains "real lemons"?
Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?
Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as "4’s"?
What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?
Is boneless chicken considered an invertebrate?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where’s the self-help section?"
She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Isn’t the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?