Ten Keys to Successful Parenting
It is important that we discipline in a way that teaches
responsibility by motivating our children internally, to build
their self-esteem and make them feel loved. If our children are
disciplined in this respect, they will not have a need to turn to
gangs, drugs, or sex to feel powerful or belong.
The following ten keys will help parents use methods that have
been proven to provide children with a sense of well-being and
security.
1 - Use Genuine Encounter Moments (GEMS)
Your child's self-esteem is greatly influenced by the quality of
time you spend with him-not the amount of time that you
spend. With our busy lives, we are often thinking about the
next thing that we have to do, instead of putting 100% focused
attention on what our child is saying to us. We often pretend to
listen or ignore our child's attempts to communicate with us. If
we don't give our child GEMS throughout the day, he will
often start to misbehave. Negative attention in a child's mind is
better than being ignored.
It is also important to recognize that feelings are neither right
nor wrong. They just are. So when your child says to you,
"Mommy, you never spend time with me" (even though you
just played with her) she is expressing what she feels. It is best
at these times just to validate her feelings by saying, "Yeah, I
bet it does feel like a long time since we spent time together."
2 - Use Action, Not Words
Statistics say that we give our children over 2000 compliance
requests a day! No wonder our children become "parent deaf!"
Instead of nagging or yelling, ask yourself, "What action could
I take?" For example, if you have nagged your child about
unrolling his socks when he takes them off, then only wash
socks that are unrolled. Action speaks louder than words.
3 - Give Children Appropriate Ways to Feel
Powerful
If you don't, they will find inappropriate ways to feel their
power. Ways to help them feel powerful and valuable are to
ask their advice, give them choices, let them help you balance
your check book, cook all our part of a meal, or help you
shop. A two-year-old can wash plastic dishes, wash
vegetables, or put silverware away. Often we do the job for
them because we can do it with less hassle, but the result is
they feel unimportant.
4 - Use Natural Consequences
Ask yourself what would happen if I didn't interfere in this
situation? If we interfere when we don't need to, we rob
children of the chance to learn from the consequences of their
actions. By allowing consequences to do the talking, we avoid
disturbing our relationships by nagging or reminding too much.
For example, if your child forgets her lunch, you don't bring it
to her. Allow her to find a solution and learn the importance of
remembering.
5 - Use Logical Consequences
Often the consequences are too far in the future to practically
use a natural consequence. When that is the case, logical
consequences are effective. A consequence for the child must
be logically related to the behavior in order for it to work. For
example, if your child forgets to return his video and you
ground him for a week, that punishment will only create
resentment within your child. However, if you return the video
for him and either deduct the amount from his allowance or
allow him to work off the money owed, then your child can
see the logic to your discipline.
6 - Withdraw from Conflict
If your child is testing you through a temper tantrum, or being
angry or speaking disrespectfully to you, it is best if you leave
the room or tell the child you will be in the next room if he
wants to "Try again." Do not leave in anger or defeat.
7 - Seperate the Deed from the Doer
Never tell a child that he is bad. That tears at his self-esteem.
Help your child recognize that it isn't that you don't like him,
but it is his behavior that you are unwilling to tolerate. In order
for a child to have healthy self-esteem, he must know that he
is loved unconditionally no matter what he does. Do not
motivate your child by withdrawing your love from him. When
in doubt, ask yourself, did my discipline build my child's
self-esteem?
8 - Be Kind and Firm at the Same Time
Suppose you have told your five-year-old child that if she isn't
dressed by the time the timer goes off, you will pick her up
and take her to the car. She has been told she can either get
dressed either in the car or at school. Make sure that you are
loving when you pick her up, yet firm by picking her up as
soon as the timer goes off without any more nagging. If in
doubt, ask yourself, did I motivate through love or fear?
9 - Parent with the End in Mind
Most of us parent with the mindset to get the situation under
control as soon as possible. We are looking for the expedient
solution. This often results in children who feel overpowered.
But if we parent in a way that keeps in mind how we want our
child to be as an adult, we will be more thoughtful in the way
we parent. For example, if we spank our child, he will learn to
use acts of aggression to get what he wants when he grows up.
10 - Be Consistent, Follow Through
If you have made an agreement that your child cannot buy
candy when she gets to the store, do not give in to her pleas,
tears, demands or pouting. Your child will learn to respect you
more if you mean what you say.
This document is produced by the International Network for
Children and Families and the 350 instructors of the
"Redirecting Children's Behavior" course.
