9 things to do instead of spanking
By Kathryn Kvols
Research confirms what many parents instinctively feel when
they don't like to spank their child, but they don't know what
else to do. The latest research from Dr. Murray Strauss at the
Family Research Laboratory affirms that spanking teaches
children to use acts of aggression and violence to solve their
problems. It only teaches and perpetuates more violence, the
very thing our society is so concerned about. This research
further shows that children who have been spanked are more
prone to low self-esteem, depression and accept lower paying
jobs as adults. So, what do you do instead?
1 - Get Calm
First, if you feel angry and out of control and you want to
spank or slap your child, leave the situation if you can. Calm
down and get quiet. In that quiet time you will often find an
alternative or solution to the problem. Sometimes parents lose
it because they are under a lot of stress. Dinner is boiling over,
the kids are fighting, the phone is ringing and your child drops
the can of peas and you lose it. If you can't leave the situation,
then mentally step back and count to ten.
2 - Take Time for Yourself
Parents are more prone to use spanking when they haven't
had any time to themselves and they feel depleted and hurried.
So, it is important for parents to take some time for themselves
to exercise, read, take a walk or pray.
3 - Be Kind but Firm
Another frustrating situation where parents tend to spank is
when your child hasn't listened to your repeated requests to
behave. Finally, you spank to get your child to act
appropriately. Another solution in these situations is to get
down on your child's level, make eye contact, touch him
gently and tell him, in a short, kind but firm phrase, what it is
you want him to do. For example, "I want you to play quietly.
4 - Give Choices
Giving your child a choice is an effective alternative to
spanking. If she is playing with her food at the table ask,
Would you like to stop playing with your food or would you
like to leave the table?" If the child continues to play with her
food, you use kind but firm action by helping her down from
the table. Then tell her that she can return to the table when
she is ready to eat her food without playing in it.
5 - Use Logical Consequences
Consequences that are logically related to the behavior help
teach children responsibility. For example, your child breaks a
neighbor's window and you punish him by spanking him.
What does he learn about the situation? He may learn to never
do that again, but he also learns that he needs to hide his
mistakes, blame it on someone else, lie, or simply not get
caught. He may decide that he is bad or feel anger and revenge
toward the parent who spanked him. When you spank a child,
he may behave because he is afraid to get hit again. However,
do you want your child to behave because he is afraid of you
or because he respects you?
Compare that situation to a child who breaks a neighbor's
window and his parent says, "I see you've broken the
window, what will you do to repair it?" using a kind but firm
tone of voice. The child decides to mow the neighbor's lawn
and wash his car several times to repay the cost of breaking
the window. What does the child learn in this situation? That
mistakes are an inevitable part of life and it isn't so important
that he made the mistake but that he takes responsibilty to
repair the mistake. The focus is taken off the mistake and put
on taking responsibility for repairing it. The child feels no
anger or revenge toward his parent. And most importantly the
child's self-esteem is not damaged.
6 - Do Make Ups
When children break agreements, parents tend to want to
punish them An alternative is to have your child do a make-up.
A make-up is something that people do to put themselves back
into integrity with the person they broke the agreement with.
For example, several boys were at a sleep-over at Larry's
home. His father requested that they not leave the house after
midnight. The boys broke their agreement. The father was
angry and punished them by telling them they couldn't have a
sleep-over for two months. Larry and his friends became
angry, sullen and uncooperative as a result of the punishment.
The father realized what he had done. He apologized for
punishing them and told them how betrayed he felt and
discussed the importance of keeping their word. He then asked
the boys for a make-up. They decided to cut the lumber that
the father needed to have cut in their backyard. The boys
became excited and enthusiastic about the project and later
kept their word on future sleep-overs.
7 - Withdraw from Conflict
Children who sass back at parents may provoke a parent to
slap. In this situation, it is best if you withdraw from the
situation immediately. Do not leave the room in anger or
defeat. Calmly say, "I'll be in the next room when you want to
talk more respectfully.
8 - Use kind but firm action
Instead of smacking an infant's hand or bottom when she
touches something she isn't supposed to, kindly but firmly pick
her up and take her to the next room. Offer her a toy or
another item to distract her and say, "You can try again later."
You may have to take her out several times if she is persistent.
9 - Inform Children Ahead of Time
A child's temper tantrum can easily set a parent off. Children
frequently throw tantrums when they feel uninformed or
powerless in a situation. Instead of telling your child he has to
leave his friend's house at a moment's notice, tell him that you
will be leaving in five minutes. This allows the child to
complete what he was in the process of doing.
Aggression is an obvious form of perpetuating violence in
society. A more subtle form of this is spanking because it takes
it's toll on a child's self-esteem, dampening his enthusiasm and
causing him to be rebellious and uncooperative. Consider for a
moment the vision of a family that knows how to win
cooperation and creatively solve their problems without using
force or violence. The alternatives are limitless and the results
are calmer parents who feel more supported.
