^LTOP^
  
^B^^1^         Interpersonal Communication    ^N^
   
^1^
This hypertext is designed to help the user
better understand the intricacies of
communicaton.^N^
   
        ^O^^B^
   ^:levels="OOOO18244242422418OOOO"^ Levels of Communication
   
   ^:women="OOOO18244242422418OOOO"^ Women vs. Men
   
   ^:tech="OOOO18244242422418OOOO"^ Techniques 

^N^^1^
 
 
 
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^Llevels^
 
     ^1^^B^   Levels of Communcation     ^N^
^CR^
There are five levels of communication, 
increasing in levels of intimacy starting with:
    
1) ^B^Simple acknowledgment^N^ (often no more than
    superficial cliches, i.e. What's up?, Hi
    there, etc.) most appropriate with strangers, 
    acquantances, etc.;
   
2) ^B^Sharing facts^N^ (only slightly less
    superficial, used in daily interactions, 
    commerce, etc.);
   
3) ^B^Stating your opinion^N^ (often reserved for
    coworkers, family friends, more significant
    interactions); 


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^Lreveal^
      
4) ^B^Expressing your feelings^N^ (usually reserved
    for friends and family, though too often not
    achieved); 
   
5) ^B^Revealing your needs^N^  (usually reserved for
    very close friends, family, significant other,
    though far too often not achieved).  
    The more frequently that a relationship
    involves communication at the 4th and 5th
    levels, the closer and more rewarding the
    relationship will be.

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 ^Lverbia^   
     All verbal communication consists of two
parts:  ^B^Messages^N^, which are the meaning of the
words (what we're saying); and ^B^Metamessages^N^
the body language used, the pitch/tone of
voice, and the timing/pause between words (how
we're saying it).  
      
     If the ^B^Message^N^ and ^B^Metamessage^N^ of what
we're communicating are consistent with one
another, then we are communicating in a clear
and  honest manner.  

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^Lif^
   
     If the ^B^Message^N^ and ^B^Metamessage^N^ of our
communication are inconsistent with each
other, then we are sending "mixed messages"
which are confusing and even dishonest (to
ourselves as well as the other person).
   
     Both the ^B^Message^N^ and ^B^Metamessage^N^ of any
communication will define the ^B^Frame^N^, or 
context of the interaction, and the ^B^Footing^N^,
or relationship between each person (either
equal or hierarchical).^N^

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^Lwomen^
  
  ^1^^B^          Women vs. Men:
         Differing Styles and Goals       ^N^
   
1.  ^:intim=Intimacy vs. Independence^
   
2.  ^:expan=Expand vs. Contract^
   
3.  ^:prob=Problem-talk vs. Problem-solve^
   
4.  ^:ask=Ask vs. Don't Ask^
   
5.  ^:rap=Rapport-talk vs. Report-talk^
   
6.  ^:purs=Purse vs. Wallet^

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^Lintim^
   
1. ^B^Intimacy (Interdependence)^N^:  women tend to
    communicate is such a way as to try and 
    connect with others, minimizing their
    differences.  ^B^Independence^N^:  men tend to
    communicate in such a way as to focus on 
    status in a hierarchical way, emphasizing
    differences between each other, using 
    one-upmanship to dominate or appear better
    than the other person in some way.

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^Lexpan^
   
2.  ^B^Expand^N^:  women tend to talk through their
    problems to come to a point with focus
    decreasing as stress increases, which often
    results in men thinking "get to the point" or
    men getting lost because they assume that the
    initial topic was the point.  ^B^Contract^N^:  men
    tend to think through their problems before
    stating their point, which often results in
    women thinking they have made a decision
    without consideration for the partner's input.
    Men tend to focus on one primary area at a
    time; focus increases with stress and can
    appear as being selfish or self-centered to a
    woman.

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^Lprob^
   
3.  ^B^Problem-talk^N^:  women tend to talk about
    their problems in order to process their
    feelings, needing someone to just listen.  But
    men tend to try and fix the problem rather
    than just listen, misinterpreting the talk
    about problems as them being blamed or that
    women are complaining.  ^B^Problem-solve^N^:  men
    tend to identify a problem and then focus on
    solving it, often without talking about it
    which can result in women feeling left out,
    like their opinion doesn't count.

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^Lask^
   
4.  ^B^Ask^N^:  women want to be asked about their
    feelings, their day, etc., and tend to ask
    others about theirs.  ^B^Don't ask^N^:  men tend not
    to want to be asked thinking that to talk 
    bout a problem is to reveal a weakness, will
    ask for advice only if they "really" need it
    and will then go to an expert in the field. 
    When given unsolicited advice they think they
    are being put-down, considered incompetent. 
    When discussing someone's problems, they tend
    to minimize in order to make the other feel
    better, compare "war stories", which often
    results in women feeling that they are not
    being listened to or that their feelings don't
    count.
 
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^Lrap^
   
5.  ^B^Rapport talk^N^:  women tend to talk in order
    to relate, interact, etc.  What is being said
    isn't always as important as the interaction
    itself.  ^B^Report talk^N^:  men tend to have the
    view that the purpose of communication
    is to convey information, not to relate.  Thus
    they often have nothing to say.  Women may be
    frustrated by this lack of interaction, where
    men may be irritated by the seemingly
    'pointless' talk.

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^Lpurs^
   
^B^Purse vs. Wallet^N^:  women tend to carry a purse
containing a little bit of everything, if they
don't need it someone else might; men tend to
carry a wallet containing only the bare 
necessities.
   
     Women tend to view all the areas of their
life as swirled together, connected, each
affecting the other.  
   
     Men tend to view each thing as separate,
one thing does not necessarily affect the
other.  

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^Ltech^
   
   ^1^^B^    Techniques for Improved
          Communication      ^N^
   
   
1.  ^B^^:imes=I Messages:^^N^ non-threatening,
    clear communication at levels 3,4, & 5. 
   
2.  ^B^^:act=Active Listening:^^N^  "Ordering at the
    drive-through window."

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^Limes^
   
               ^B^"I" Messages^N^ 
  
     Clearer communication by letting the other 
person know:  
   
1) How his or her behavior makes you feel, and
  
2) That you trust him or her to respect your
     needs by modifying his or her behavior 
     appropriately.  
  
The ^B^"I" message^N^ has five parts:

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^Lbehav^
   
1.  ^B^Behavior^N^-- This is a non-blaming
    description of what is unacceptable to you. 
    Put the focus on "I".  Example:  "When I have
    to keep dinner heating in the oven..."
   
2.  ^B^Effect^N^--  A concrete consequence of the
    above behavior strengthens the message: 
    "...dinner becomes dry and is ruined."
   
3.  ^B^Meaning^N^--  An accurate description of what
    it means to you:  "I begin to think I am being
    taken for granted,"
   
4.  ^B^Feelings^N^--  An accurate description of the
    feelings generated by the behavior:   "and I 
    feel angry." 

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^Lform^
   
5.  ^B^Request^N^--  A specific and clear expression
    of what you want the person to do to change 
    he situation and/or to do next time:  "I would
    like an appology and for you to call the next
    time you are going to be late."
   
An example of the format to practice:  
  
     "When ..." (describe the behavior as
                    specifically as possible)
   
     "Then... " (describe the consequence of
                    the behavior)
   

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^Lwhich^

     "Which to me means that..." (describe
your interpretation of the behavior and
consequence as it relates to you)
   
     "And I feel..." (describe how you feel 
in response to the above)
   
     "What I would like is for you to..."
(describe what you want the person to do next
time, or to do now to rectify the situation)
   
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^Lwhy^

     Why are ^B^"I" messages^N^ so effective?
Because:  they are non-threatening, as opposed
to "you" messages which put the other person 
on the defensive as in "You make me mad, why
are you so late?" ;  they help the sender move
from an external focus to an internal one; 
they tell the receiver exactly what your
perception of the problem is, thus allowing
him or her to identify any differences in
interpretation of the situation such as those
resulting from the different thinking styles
of men and women.

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^Lact^
    
            ^B^Active Listening^N^  
    
     Have you ever ordered fast food at the
drive-through window and gotten the wrong
stuff?  Isn't this frustrating?  To avoid this
miscommunication, most drive-through places
have their employees repeat the order back
until they are sure they have understood what
the person wants. 

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^Lthis^
     
     This is what is referred to as "^B^Active
Listening^N^," which can (and should) be used in
all relationships in order to improve
communication.  By repeating what you
understand the other person to have said, he 
or she can either say "yes, you got it" or
"no, that's not what I meant" and either 
repeat it or rephrase it until it is
understood.  This is important in all
relationships, but especially in communication
between men and women as we think and 
interpret things differently.

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