^LTOP^
^B^^2^     *~*~*~*~  ZJOKES II  ~*~*~*~*



     ^:inhol=Holiday Humor^

     ^:incomp=Computer Humor^

     ^:inmen=Men/Women Jokes^  ^N^
^1^
^30-17^^B^About These Jokes^
^48-17^ ^:about="0F1838F424F424F4241B1C0505040403-FE06030101010101033BEE2414E408F0"^
^eop^

^Labout^
^2^^B^         DISCLAIMER!!!!! ^N^
^1^
These Jokes are not meant to be offensive
or Politically Correct for that matter. I don't
write them, I just receive them in my ^:email=email^
and pass them on.

This file is to large to convert to one document.
I'm sorry about that, and will try to learn more
about this. In the meantime....

    ^2^^B^  Enjoy!   ^N^
^1^
^44-17^^B^BACK^
^48-17^ ^:TOP="FF808182848993A589818181FF-FF0181412191C9A591818181FF"^
^eop^
^Lemail^


Any one wishing to be on my daily (more or
less) joke list drop me a line at Ann Harrell
76161,55 with your preferred email address and
I will put you on the  list. And while your at it..

^41-17^^B^Smile^
^48-17^ ^:TOP="030F102040408E8E8080868E4840201807-00E01804C22211090909111222041820C0"^
^eop^

^Lincomp^

^2^^B^  INDEX OF COMPUTER HUMOR

   ^:hel=Lost Helicopter^

   ^:heaven=Heaven95^

   ^:red=Techno-Rednecks^  ^N^
^1^
^44-17^^B^BACK^
^48-17^ ^:TOP="FF808182848993A589818181FF-FF0181412191C9A591818181FF"^
^eop^
^Lred^

^2^^B^     You're A High-Tech Redneck ^N^
^1^
 If your e-mail address ends in ".over.yonder.com"

 If you connect to the World Wide Web via a "Down Home
 Page"

 If the bumper sticker on your truck says "My other
 computer is a laptop"

 If your laptop has a sticker that says "Protected
 by Smith and Wesson"

 If you've ever doubled the value of your truck by
 installing a cellular phone.
^44-17^^B^MORE^
^48-17^ ^:red1="FF80818181818181F94929180F-FF0155555555555555555501FF"^
^eop^
^Lred1^

 If your baseball cap reads "DEC" instead of "CAT"

 If your computer is worth more than all your cars
 combined

 If your wife said "either he or the computer had to
 go", and you still don't miss her

 If you've ever used a CD-ROM disk as a coaster to
 set your beer on

 If you ever refer to your computer as "Ole Bessy"

 If your screen saver is a bitmap image of your
 favorite truck, tractor, or farm animal
^44-17^^B^MORE^
^48-17^ ^:red2="FF80818181818181F94929180F-FF0155555555555555555501FF"^
^eop^

^Lred2^

If your keyboard has splotches on it which are the
color of Bull Durham.

If your Sunday computer dress-up clothes have
shoulder straps and a  rear end flap.

If you have to push aside meadow muffins before
you can use your keyboard.

    Etc., y'all.

^44-17^^B^BACK^
^48-17^ ^:incomp="FF808182848993A589818181FF-FF0181412191C9A591818181FF"^
^eop^
^Lheaven^
^2^^B^            HEAVEN 95         ^N^
^1^
Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself
in purgatory, being sized up by God....

"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call; I'm
not sure wether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After
all, you enormously helped society by putting a
computer in almost every home in America, yet you
also created that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to
do something I've never done before.  I'm going to
let you decide where you want to go."

Bill replied, "Well, what's the difference between
the two?"

God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places
briefly, if it will help your decision."

^44-17^^B^MORE^
^48-17^ ^:heaven1="FF80818181818181F94929180F-FF0155555555555555555501FF"^
^eop^
^Lheaven1^

"Fine, but where should I go first?"

"I'll leave that up to you."

"Okay then," said Bill, "let's try Hell first."

So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean,
sandy beach with clear waters and lots of beautiful
women running around, playing in the water, laughing
and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the
temperature perfect. He was very pleased.

"This is great!" he told God. "If this is hell, I
REALLY want to see heaven!"
^44-17^^B^MORE^
^48-17^ ^:heaven2="FF80818181818181F94929180F-FF0155555555555555555501FF"^
^eop^
^Lheaven2^

"Fine" said God, and off they went.

Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels
drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was
nice, but not as enticing as Hell.

Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his
decision."Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told God.

"Fine," retorted God, "as you desire." So Bill Gates
went to Hell. Two weeks later, God decided to check
on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in
Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a
wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves,
being burned and tortured by demons.

"How's everything going?" he asked Bill.
^44-17^^B^MORE^
^48-17^ ^:heaven3="FF80818181818181F94929180F-FF0155555555555555555501FF"^
^eop^
^Lheaven3^


Bill responded with his voice filled with anguish and
disappointment, "this is awful! This is nothing like
the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can't believe
this. What happened to that other place, with the
beaches, the beautiful women playing in the water????"

     "That was the demo," replied God.

^44-17^^B^BACK^
^48-17^ ^:incomp="FF808182848993A589818181FF-FF0181412191C9A591818181FF"^
^eop^
^Lhel^
^2^^B^        LOST HELICOPTER  ^N^
^1^
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an
electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's
electronic navigation and communications equipment.
Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not
determine the helicopter's position and course to
steer to the airport.

The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it,
circled, made a handwritten sign, and held it
in the helicopter's window. The pilot's sign said
"WHERE AM I?" in large letters.
^44-17^^B^MORE^
^48-17^ ^:hel1="FF80818181818181F94929180F-FF0155555555555555555501FF"^
^eop^
^Lhel1^

People in the tall building quickly responded to the
aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a
building window. Their sign said,
"YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map,
determinedthe course to steer to SEATAC airport,
and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the
pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped
determine their position.

The pilot responded "I knew that had to be the
MICROSOFT building because they gave me a technically
correct, but completely useless answer."
^44-17^^B^BACK^
^48-17^ ^:incomp="FF808182848993A589818181FF-FF0181412191C9A591818181FF"^
^eop^



^Linhol^

^2^^B^     * INDEX OF HOLIDAY JOKES *

     ^:card=Card From Ann^

     ^:thanks=Top 10 Thanksgiving^

     ^:perf=Perfect People^ ^N^

^1^
^44-17^^B^BACK^
^48-17^ ^:TOP="FF808182848993A589818181FF-FF0181412191C9A591818181FF"^
^eop^

^Lcard^
^2^ ^B^

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
*                                     *
* Money's Tight                       *
*                                     *
* Times are Hard                      *
*                                     *
* Here's Your Stinkin' Christmas Card *
*                                     *
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* ^N^
^1^
^44-17^^B^BACK^
^48-17^ ^:inhol="FF808182848993A589818181FF-FF0181412191C9A591818181FF"^
^eop^
^Lthanks^

^2^^B^ Things that Sound Dirty at Thanksgiving  ^N^
^1^
 10.  "It's cool whip time!"
  9.  "And he forces his way into the end zone!"
  8.  "If I don't unbutton my pants, I am going to
       burst!"
  7.  "Talk about a HUGE breast!"
  6.  "Reach in and grab the giblets."
  5.  "Whew....that's one terrific spread!"
  4.  "I am in the mood for a little dark meat!"
  3.  "Tying the legs together will keep the inside
       moist."
  2.  "She's 5000 pounds fully inflated and it takes
       15 men to hold her down."
  1.  "It must be broken 'cause when I push on the
       tip, nothing squirts out."
^44-17^^B^BACK^
^48-17^ ^:inhol="FF808182848993A589818181FF-FF0181412191C9A591818181FF"^
^eop^
^Lperf^
^2^^B^      PERFECT PEOPLE ^N^
^1^
It seems that this perfect man met this perfect
woman and they got married.  One day on
December 24 they were driving down the road
and they noticed a man stranded on the side of
the road. This was no ordinary man, but it was
Santa Claus. Being the perfect people that they
were they offered Santa a ride because he was
in a hurry to get his toys delivered. So the perfect
man and perfect woman sped up to deliver Santa
to his destination on time. Alas, the roads were
slippery and the car got into an accident and 2 of
the 3 people were killed. Can you guess who
survived?

^44-17^^B^MORE^
^48-17^ ^:perf2="FF80818181818181F94929180F-FF0155555555555555555501FF"^
^eop^

^Lperf2^



Since Santa Claus and a Perfect Man are both
myths...the perfect woman had to survive.

^44-17^^B^BACK^
^48-17^ ^:inhol="FF808182848993A589818181FF-FF0181412191C9A591818181FF"^
^eop^
^Linmen^
^2^^B^           INDEX OF MEN/WOMEN JOKES ^N^
^1^
   ^:life=Mens Lifestyles Through the Ages^

   ^:date=What Not to Say on a Date^

   ^:years=Forty Years^

   ^:semen=Seminars for Men^

   ^:sewom=Seminars for Women^

   ^:cars=Comparison of Cars and Men^

   ^:new=Newlyweds^

   ^:blonde=Blonde Joke^

^44-17^^B^BACK^
^48-17^ ^:TOP="FF808182848993A589818181FF-FF0181412191C9A591818181FF"^
^eop^

^Lblonde^

A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the
first class section. The stewardess tells her she must
move to coach because she doesn't have a first class
ticket.  The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm  smart
and I have a good job and I'm staying in first class
until we reach Jamaica."

The stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the
woman to leave and she says "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I
have a good job and I'm staying in first class until
we reach Jamaica."

^44-17^^B^MORE^
^48-17^ ^:blonde1="FF80818181818181F94929180F-FF0155555555555555555501FF"^
^eop^

^Lblonde1^

The stewardesses don't know what to do because they
have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take
off, so they get the copilot.  The copilot goes up to t
the blonde and whispers in her ear.  She immediately
gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section.

The head stewardess asks the copilot what he said to
get her to move.

The copilot replies, "I told her the front half of
the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica".

^44-17^^B^BACK^
^48-17^ ^:inmen="FF808182848993A589818181FF-FF0181412191C9A591818181FF"^
^eop^


^Lcars^

Three women were talking about their love lives.

The first said :
'Mines like a Rolls-Royce,smooth and sophisticated.'

The second said:
'Mines like a porsche, fast and powerful.'

The third said :
Mines like an old Chevy. It needs a hand start and I
have to jump on while it's still going.'
^44-17^^B^BACK^
^48-17^ ^:inmen="FF808182848993A589818181FF-FF0181412191C9A591818181FF"^
^eop^

^Lnew^

A newlywed couple spent there honeymoon in a remote
farmhouse. The day after the wedding, the farmer's
wife left a breakfast tray outside there room . At
lunchtime when she took up their lunch she found the
breakfast tray untouched. At teatime she took up
another meal. The lunchtray was still sitting out
side the door . 'I'm starting to worry ,'she told her
husband two days later . 'They haven't eaten anything.
The farmer knocked on the bedroom door . 'Are the two
of you all right?' he asked . 'You haven't eaten
anything since you arrived.' 'We're living on the
friuts of love ,'the couple called back. 'In that
case,' the farmer shouted. 'Would you mind not
throwing the skins out of the window? They're
choking my chickens.'

^44-17^^B^BACK^
^48-17^ ^:inmen="FF808182848993A589818181FF-FF0181412191C9A591818181FF"^
^eop^


^Lsewom^
^2^^B^   SEMINARS FOR WOMEN  ^N^
^1^
The male staff will be offering courses to women of
all marital status. Attendance in at least 10 is
mandatory:

1.  Avoiding Walking in Front of the TV
2.  Doing Housework Without Complaining
3.  Shopping: Buying What You Can Afford, Not What
    You Can Charge
4.  Going to The Washroom Alone (formerly Coping
    Without My Friends)
5.  Understanding the Male Response to "Do I Look OK?"
6.  Excercise: How it Keeps You from Looking Like
    Your Mother
7.  Sex: Learning How to Initiate
^44-17^^B^MORE^
^48-17^ ^:sewom1="FF80818181818181F94929180F-FF0155555555555555555501FF"^
^eop^

^Lsewom1^

8.  How to Apologize When You Are Obviously Wrong
9.  Understanding the Male Response to "Am I Fat?"
10. Dishwashers: Rinsing Before Is Not a Must
11. The Toilet Seat: I Can Put It Down
12. Sex Thesaurus: Alternatives to "Make Love"
13. "The Weekend" and "Long Boring Walks" Are Not
    Synonymous
14. How to Go Shopping With Your Mate and Not
    Embarrass Him
15. The Remote Control: Don't Touch What You Can't
    Handle
16. You Too Can Be the One to Hang Up the Phone
17. Honest, You Don't Look Like Kim Bassinger --
    But You're Acceptable
18. Hairspray: The Effects On The Ecosystem
    (formerly One Can Is Enough)
^44-17^^B^MORE^
^48-17^ ^:sewom2="FF80818181818181F94929180F-FF0155555555555555555501FF"^
^eop^

^Lsewom2^

19. Runs In Your Nylons? It's Not the End of the World
20. Fishing: Being Able to Bait Your Own Hook
21. Sex: More Than Just Lying There
22. Learning to Choose What to Wear In Less Than
    Four Hours
23. Vacations: Doing Without 4 Suitcases
24. Makeup: The Less is More Theory
25. Nagging: Stop the Insanity!

^44-17^^B^BACK^
^48-17^ ^:inmen="FF808182848993A589818181FF-FF0181412191C9A591818181FF"^
^eop^
^Lsemen^
^2^^B^           SEMINARS FOR MEN   ^N^
^1^
Once again, the female staff will be offering courses
to men of any marital status.  Class size will be
limited to 18 as material may prove to be difficult.

Course No.  Course Title

101   Combating Stupidity
102   You Too Can Do Housework
103   P.M.S.-Learning When To Keep Your Mouth Shut
104   How To Fill An Ice Cube Tray
105   We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas - Give Us Money
106   Understanding the Female Response To You Coming In Drunk
107   Wonderful Laundry Techniques
      (Formerly Called "Don't Wash My Silks")

^44-17^^B^MORE^
^48-17^ ^:semen2="FF80818181818181F94929180F-FF0155555555555555555501FF"^
^eop^

^Lsemen2^

108   Parenting - No, It Doesn't End With Conception
109   Get a Life - Learn How To Cook
110   How Not To Act Like a Butthead When You Are
      Obviously Wrong
111   Spelling - Even You Can Get It Right
112   Understanding Your Financial Incompetence
113   You - The Weaker Sex
114   Reasons To Give Flowers
115   How To Stay Awake After Sex
116   Why It Is Unacceptable To Relieve Yourself
      Anywhere But the Bathroom
117   Garbage - Getting It To the Curb
118   SEX 118A-You Can Fall Asleep Without It If You
      Really Try
      SEX 118B - The Morning Dilemma - If you're
      Awake, Take a Shower

^44-17^^B^MORE^
^48-17^ ^:semen3="FF80818181818181F94929180F-FF0155555555555555555501FF"^
^eop^

^Lsemen3^

119   The Weekend and Sports Are Not Synonomous
120   How To Put The Toilet Seat Down
121   How To Go Shopping and Not Get Lost
122   The Remote Control - Overcoming Your Dependency
123   Helpful Postural Hints For Couch Potatoes
124   How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children
125   You Too Can Be a Designated Driver
126   Honest, You Don't Look Like Mel Gibson,
      Especially When Naked
127   Changing Your Underwear - It Really Works
128   The Attainable Goal - Omitting %@#*! From Your
      Vocabulary
129   Fluffing the Blankets After Farting is NOT
      Necessary
130   Real Men Ask For Directions
131   How To Take Illness Like a Man

^44-17^^B^BACK^
^48-17^ ^:inmen="FF808182848993A589818181FF-FF0181412191C9A591818181FF"^
^eop^
^Lyears^
^2^ ^B^                40  YEARS     ^N^
^1^

A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country road
in her new sports car when something goes wrong with
the car  nd it breaks down. Luckily, she happens to be
near a farmhouse. She goes up to the farmhouse and
knocks on the door. When the farmer answers, she says
to him, "Oh, it's  Sunday night and my car broke down!
I don't know what to do!  Can I stay here for the
night until tomorrow when I can get some help?

"Well," drawls the farmer, "you can stay here, but I
don't want you messin' with my sons Jed and Luke."

She looks through the screen door and sees two men
standing behind the farmer. She judges them to be in
the early twenties.

"Okay", she says.
^44-17^^B^MORE^
^48-17^ ^:years2="FF80818181818181F94929180F-FF0155555555555555555501FF"^
^eop^

^Lyears2^

After they have gone to bed for the night the woman
begins to get a little horny just thinking about the
two boys in the room next to her.  So she quietly goes
says, "Boys, how would you like for me to teach you
the ways of the world?"

They say, "Huh?"

She says, "The only thing is, I don't want to get
pregnant, so you have to wear these rubbers."  She
puts them on the boys, and the three of them go at
it all night long.
^44-17^^B^MORE^
^48-17^ ^:years3="FF80818181818181F94929180F-FF0155555555555555555501FF"^
^eop^

^Lyears3^

Forty years later Jed and Luke are sitting on the
front porch, rocking back and forth.

Jed says, "Luke?"
Luke says, "Yeah, Jed?"
Jed says, "You remember that blond woman that came by
here about forty years ago and showed us the ways of
the world?"

"Yeah," says Luke, "I remember."
"Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?" asks Jed.
"Nope," says Luke, "I reckon not".
"Me, neither," says Jed, "Let's take these things off."

^44-17^^B^BACK^
^48-17^ ^:inmen="FF808182848993A589818181FF-FF0181412191C9A591818181FF"^
^eop^
^Llife^

^2^^B^ Mens Lifestyles Through the Ages ^N^
 ^1^

AGE  DRINK
 17  Beer
 25  Beer
 35  Vodka
 48  Double Vodka
 66  Maalox

SEDUCTION LINE
 17  My parents are away for the weekend
 25  My girlfriend is away for the weekend
 35  My fiancee is away for the weekend
 48  My wife is away for the weekend
 66  My second wife is dead

^44-17^^B^MORE^
^48-17^ ^:life2="FF80818181818181F94929180F-FF0155555555555555555501FF"^
^eop^

^Llife2^

FAVORITE SPORT
 17  Sex
 25  Sex
 35  Sex
 48  Sex
 66  Napping

DRUG
 17  Pot
 25  Coke
 35  Really Good Coke
 48  Power
 66  Coke, a Limousine, the Company Jet

^44-17^^B^MORE^
^48-17^ ^:life3="FF80818181818181F94929180F-FF0155555555555555555501FF"^
^eop^

^Llife3^

DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
 17  "tongue"
 25  "breakfast"
 35  "She didn't set back my therapy."
 48  "I didn't bump into her kids."
 66  "Got home alive."

FAVORITE FANTASY
 17  getting to third
 25  mile high club
 35  menage-a-trois
 48  taking his company public
 66  Swiss maid / Nazi love slave

^44-17^^B^MORE^
^48-17^ ^:life4="FF80818181818181F94929180F-FF0155555555555555555501FF"^
^eop^

^Llife4^

HOUSE PET
 17  roaches
 25  stoned-out college roommate
 35  Irish Setter
 48  children from his first marriage
 66  Barbi

WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
 17  25
 25  35
 35  48
 48  66
 66  17

^44-17^^B^MORE^
^48-17^ ^:life5="FF80818181818181F94929180F-FF0155555555555555555501FF"^
^eop^

^Llife5^

IDEAL DATE
 17  Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in
 25  "Split the check before we go back to my
     place"
 35  "Just come over."
 48  "Just come over and cook."
 66  sex in the company jet on the way to Vegas
     to see Frank

^44-17^^B^BACK^
^48-17^ ^:inmen="FF808182848993A589818181FF-FF0181412191C9A591818181FF"^
^eop^

^Ldate^

^2^^B^      What Not to Say on a Date ^N^
^1^
*  Your sister's a real knock-out.  Is one of you
   adopted?

*  When we get back to my apartment, whatever
   you do, don't tease the pony.

*  You know, if my wife wasn't so hung up on this
   faithfulness thing, she'd probably say you were
    my cutest girlfriend yet.

*  You can trust me, I'm a lawyer.

^44-17^^B^MORE^
^48-17^ ^:date1="FF80818181818181F94929180F-FF0155555555555555555501FF"^
^eop^

^Ldate1^

*  No, really, I read Playboy for the articles.

*  My most painful memory?  Hmmm... That would
   have to be when those three guys cornered me
   in the showers in prison.

*  Who can blame Woody Allen?

*  I'm not free Sunday.  I'm going to help OJ look
    for the real killer.

*  If I was a woman, I'd have Rush Limbaugh's baby..

*  How about after dinner we take a romantic
   stroll by the oil refinery?  The fumes give you a
   really cool buzz.


^44-17^^B^MORE^
^48-17^ ^:date2="FF80818181818181F94929180F-FF0155555555555555555501FF"^
^eop^

^Ldate2^

*  Now I'm just speaking hypothetically here, but
   let's say you were at some guy's house, opened
   the refrigerator, and saw a human head.
   Would you call the cops?

*  I was thinking tonight we'd go to a French
   restaurant.  Have you ever been to Jacques
   En Ze Box?

*  I always wanted to be a doctor, but I couldn't
   get into med school, so now I just pursue
   gynecology as a hobby.  I even have my own
   stirrups.

^44-17^^B^BACK^
^48-17^ ^:inmen="FF808182848993A589818181FF-FF0181412191C9A591818181FF"^
^eop^

^Lincomp^
^2^^B^ COMPUTER HUMOR!!!!

   ^:red=Techno-Rednecks!^

   ^:hel=Lost Helicopter^

   ^:heaven=Heavens Gates^ ^N^
^1^
^44-17^^B^BACK^
^48-17^ ^:TOP="FF808182848993A589818181FF-FF0181412191C9A591818181FF"^
^eop^


































