1.  A young man down on his luck went house-to-house in a wealthy neighbourhood looking for work.  Finally a sympathetic homeowner said he'd like to have his porch painted.  He told the man the paint and brushes were in the garage.  An hour later the young man rang the doorbell to collect his pay.  "Thank you, sir," he said.  "By the way, you don't have a Prosche - it's a Ferrari."

2.   Children go through fascinating stages.  First they call you Da Da.  Then they call you Daddy.  Then they call you Dad.  Then they call you collect.

3.    Two young women met a frog on the street.  "Kiss me," the frog said, "and I'll turn into an independent oil man."
       One of the women picked him up and put him in her purse.
       "Aren't you going to kiss him?" the other asked.
       "No.  A talking frog is really worth something."

4.   One mountaineer to another: "It almost cost us our lives climbing to the top of Mount Everest to plant the American flat.  But it was worth it.  Hand me the flag."
       "Me?  I thought you brought it."

5.    Wealthy man, making his will: "To my cousin, George, I leave my stock portfolio and properties on Long Island... to my faithful cook, Betty, I leave my Laguna estate... and to my nephew, Bunny, who always argued that health is more important than wealth, I leave my jogging shoes, and sweat socks."

6.   A corporation president entered his large limousine.  "Ah, a new driver," he observed.  "What's your name?"
       "Charles, sir."
       "Sorry, but I never call my employees by their first names," said the executive.  "What's your surname?"
       "It's Darling, sir."
       "Well.   drive on, Charles."

7.    An efficient expert, making rounds in an office, asked a clerk, "What are you working on?"
       "Nothing at the moment," was the reply.
       "The expert moved on to an adjacent desk. "And what are you doing?" he asked.
       "Nothing."
       "Aha!" exclaimed the expert, making a note on his pad. " Duplication."

8.   The notorious cheapskate finally decided to have a party.  Explaining to a friend how to find his apartment, he said, "Come up to 5M and ring the doorbell with your elbow.  When the door open, push with your foot."
       "Why use my elbow and foot?"
       "Well, gosh," was the reply, "you're not coming empty-handed, are you?"

9.    I'm really worried," said one teenager to another.  "Dad slaves away at his job so I'll never want for anything and so I can go to college.  Mom spends every day washing and ironing and cleaning up after me, and she takes care of me when I'm sick."
      "So what are you worried about?"
      "I'm afraid they might try to escape!"

10. Reporter: "Mr Braun, you're a self-educated man.  How did you manage to do all that reading during those busy years?"
      Mr Braun: "simple.  I kept an open book on my desk, and read it whenever someone on the phone said, "Just a moment please."

11.  Two TV preachers died and went to heaven, where they were met by Saint Peter. "I'm sorry," he said, "but there's no room for you right now.  You'll have to go below and wait."
       They did, and a few months later the devil called Saint Peter.  "You're going to have to get these guys out of here," he begged.  "one of them has converted thousands and the other one is trying to get this place air-conditioned!"

12.  A Hillbilly was visiting the big city for the first time.  Entering an office building, he saw a pudgy older woman step into a small room.  The doors closed, lights flashed, and after a while the door slid open and a beautiful young model stepped off the elevator.
        Blinking in amazement, the hillbilly drawled, Shoulda brought mah wife!"

13.   Members had been requested to bring male hounds to a fox-hunting party.  One longtime member, however, owned only female, and out of courtesy was permitted to include her.  The pack was off in a flash and soon completely out of sight.  The confused hunters stopped to ask a farmer in a nearby field, "Did you see some hounds go by here?"
       "Ye," said the farmer.
       "See where they went?"
       "Nope," was the bemused reply, "but it was the first time I ever seen a fox runnin' fifth!"

14.  A salesman dropped in to see a business customer.  Not a soul was in the office except a big dog emptying wastebaskets.  The salesman stared at the animal, wondering if his imagination could be playing tricks.  The dog looked up and said, "Don't be surprised, buddy. This is part of my job."
       "Incredible!" muttered the man.  "I can't believe it?  I'm going to tell your boss what a prize he has in you - an animal that can talk!"
       "No, no," pleaded the dog.  "Please don't?  If that bum finds out I can talk, he'll make me answer the phones!"

15.  A visitor to a movie studio was impressed with the skill and courage required of the stunt man - leaping out of a moving car, plunging over a cliff, doing handstands on an airplane wing.  "How does he manage to survive it?" the visitor marveled.
       "I don't know," answered the guide.  "They get a different guy every stunt."

16.  A newly wed girl had a fight with her husband and came back to the family home. She said," Mama, I'll teach Charles a lesson.  I'm coming to live with you."  Mother said, "If you really want to teach Charles a lesson, you go home, and I'll come live with you."

17.   A man was telling his colleagues about unintentionally driving through a puddle of water and splashing a pedestrian, a visitor from Florida.
       "How did you know he was from Florida?"  asked one co-worker.  "Did you stop to apologize?"
       "No," replied the man.  "I didn't stop because he was awfully big and be looked mad.  But I knew he was from Florida because I could hear him yelling something about the sun and the beach."

18.  Phoning her neighbour in the next apartment, a woman yelled, "If you don't turn that stereo down, I'll go insane!"
        "Too late," came the reply.  "I turned it off an hour ago."

19.   The lawyer for the defense was grilling the star witness.  "You say you were out walking your dog on the evening of the seventeenth.  Did you or did you not stop along the way?"
        "Mister," snapped the witness, "did you ever take a dog for a walk?"

20.  "Knock, Knock."
        "Who's there?"
        "Opportunity."
        "Can't be."
        "Why not?"
        "Opportunity knocks only once."

21.   A fellow took a job painting yellow lines down the middle of a highway.  On his first day he painted ten miles, and the forman said, "You did well.  Keep it up and you'll get a raise." 
        The next day the man did five miles, and the foreman said, "Well, five miles isn't as good as ten, but keep up the good work."
        The following day he painted only one mile.  The foreman called him in and said, "First you did ten miles, then you did five miles, then you did one mile.  You're not doing the work, so I have to fire you."
        As the man walked away from the office, he whined, "But it's not my fault.  Each day I kept getting farther away from the paint can."

22.  Harried English tour guide at height of tourist season:  "This is where they signed the Magna Charta."
       Tourist: "When did they do that?"
       Guide: "Twelve fifteen."
       Tourist: "How about that?  We only missed it by twenty minutes!"

23.   After a week's absence, a mountain man staggered home, clothes torn, shoes worn thin.  He was exhausted.  "Where have you been?" asked his wife.
        "I went out in the woods to check the still," replied the mountain man, "and a giant bear stepped out in front of me.  I took off running ahead of him and finally lost him.  I never ran so fast in my life!"
        "But that was a week ago," said the wife. "Where have you been since?"
       The mountaineer collapsed in a chair. "Walking back!"

24.  Judge to defendant: "I note that in addition to stealing money, you took watches, rings and pearls."
        "Yes, your honour," he replied.  "I was taught money alone doesn't bring happiness."

25.   IRS auditor to taxpayer: "The trick is to stop thinking of it as your money."

26.  A farmer sent his nephew a crate of chickens, but the box burst open just as the boy started to take them out.  The next day he wrote his uncle: "I chased them through my neighbour's yard, but I only got back eleven."
       Answered the uncle, "You did all right.  I only sent six."

27.   The stockbroker's secretary answered his phone one morning.  "I'm sorry," she said.  "Mr Bush's on another line."
        "This is Mr Schwarz's office," the caller said.  "We'd like to know if he's bullish or bearish right now."
        "He's talking to his wife," the secretary replied.  "Right now I'd say he's sheepish."

28.  Upset when only three of his students had listed all the 50 states correctly on a quiz, the teacher told the class, "When I was in school we could name every one of them off the top of our heads."
         "Yeah," cracked a student, "but there were only thirteen then."

29.   Overhead: "I love going to those multiple theaters in shopping malls because you really get your money's worth.  You see one film and hear three."

30.  Two scientists stood in front of an  open door on which a sign read: "Recombinant DNA Lab." Seated amid the lab's high-tech equipment was an old witch stirring a bubbling caldron.
        Said one scientist to the other, "She's from the old school, but she really knows her stuff."

31.   In the early hours of the morning, the young woman heard a tapping on her window.  There on a ladder was her boyfriend.  Their elopement was going according to plan.  "Are you ready?"  he asked.
       "Yes," answered the woman.  "But don't talk so loud - you might wake up my father."
       "Wake him up?  Who do you think is holding the ladder?"