A Good Wife
 ===========
 A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.
 After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.
 He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease,
 combined with horrible  stress. If you don't do the following, your
 husband will surely die.

 Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast.  Be pleasant, and make
 sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal he
 can take to work. And for dinne, prepare an especially nice meal for him.

 Don't burden him with chores, as this could further his stress.
 Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his
 stress worse.  Try  to relax your husband in the evening by
 wearing lingerie and giving him plenty of backrubs.

 Encourage him to watch some type of teamsporting event on television.
 And most importantly, make love with your  husband several times a
 week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10
 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.

 On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"

 "You're going to die," she replied.

 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 A Modern Fairy Tale
 =================
 ONCE UPON A TIME... in a land far away, a beautiful, independent,
 self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating
 ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant
 meadow near her castle.

 The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: "Elegant Lady, I was
 once a  handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One
 kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young
 prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up house-
 keeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my
 meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful
 and happy doing so."

 That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly
 sautéed frog legs, seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce,
 she chuckled to herself and thought : "I don't  think so."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 Biblical Truths Volume I
 ====================
 Adam was walking around the garden of Eden feeling very
 lonely, so God asked him, "What is wrong with you?"

 Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.

 God said that he was going to make Adam a companion and
 that it would be a woman. He said: "This person will gather
 food for you, cook for you, and when you discover clothing,
 she will wash it for you. She will always agree with every
 decision you make. "She will bear your children and never
 ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.
 She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she
 was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have
 a headache, and will freely give you love and passion whenever
 you need it."

 Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"

 God replied, "An arm and a leg."

 Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"

 The rest is history....
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 

FLYING
=======
 A blonde went to helicopter flight training, wanting to learn to fly
 that day. The owner agreed to send her up, and instruct her by radio.
 He showedher the start up, and basic procedures, and up she went.
 At 1000 feet, she radioed, "I'm doing great! I love it! I'm really getting
 the hang of it!"
 The instructor watched her climb to over 3000 feet, then watched in
 horror as the helicopter began a dive and crashed nearby. He ran over
 and pulled her from the wreck, asking, "What happened?" She said,
 "I don't know! Everything was going fine, until I got cold and turned
 off that big fan."

 BREASTSTROKE
 ===============
 There was a competition to cross the English Channel doing only the
 breaststroke, and the three women who entered the race were a brunette,
 a redhead and a blonde. After approximately 14 hours, the brunette
 staggered up on the shore and was  declared the fastest. About 40 minutes
 later, the redhead crawled up on the shore and was declared the second place
 finisher.
 Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly
 collapsed in front of the worried onlookers. When the reporters asked why
 it took her so long to complete the  race, she replied, "I don't want to sound
 like I'm a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their  arms..."

 KIDNAPPER
 ===========
 A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she
 decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.  She went to the
 playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him,
 "I've kidnapped you." She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped
 your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it
 under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground.
 Signed, A Blonde." The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and
 sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked,
 and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The Blonde
 opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you
 do this to a fellow Blonde?"

 TRACKS
 ========
 Two blondes were walking through the woods and they came to some tracks.
 The first blonde said, "These look like deer tracks," and the other one said,
 "No they look like moose tracks." They argued and argued for a while and
 they were still arguing when the train hit them.

 LOCKED
 ========
 Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their
 Mercedes with a coat hanger, but they couldn't. The girl with the coat
 hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said
 anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down!"

 DISRAUGHT
 ===========
 A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is
 having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. Then one
 day she comes home and finds her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead.
 She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed,
 begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde
 responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"

 HURT
 ======
 A brunette goes to the doctor and as she touches every part of her body with
 her finger she says, "Doctor it hurts everywhere. My leg hurts, my arm hurts,
 my neck hurts, and even my head hurts!"
 The doctor asks, "Were you ever a Blonde?"
 "Yes, I was," she replies. "Why do you ask?"
 The doctor answers, "Because your finger is broken!"

                            =========================

 Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio?
 It took her a month to realize she could play it at night.

 What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?
 "Look! They spelled MACY'S wrong!"

 What happened to the blonde Ice Hockey Team?
 They drowned in Spring Training

 What do SMART Blondes and UFO's have in common?
 You always hear about them but never see them.

 Why do blondes always smile during lightning storms?
 They think their picture is being taken.

 How can you tell when a Blonde sends you a fax?
 It has a stamp on it.

 Why can't Blondes dial 911?
 They can't find the 11 on the phone!

 How can you tell if a Blonde has been using your computer?
 There is white-out all over the monitor.

 A Blonde and a brunette were walking outside when the brunette said,
 "Oh look at the dead bird." The blonde looked skyward and said,
 "Where, where?"

 Why don't Blondes like making KOOL-AID?
 Because they can't fit 8 cups of water in the little packet.

 Why won't they hire Blondes as pharmacists?
 They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: Lesson in brotherly love
 ============================
 A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5,
 Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the
 first pancake.

 Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
 "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say "Let my brother
 have the first pancake, I can wait".

 Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

  Subject: Bumper Stickers
  ======================
  The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
  I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
  Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
  I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
  Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
  WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
  You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
  I got a gun for my wife, best trade I ever made.
  So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute!
  To all you virgins, thanks for nothing.
  I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
  My kid had sex with your honor student.
  I'm just driving this way to piss you off.
  Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
  Keep honking, I'm reloading.
  I don't have to be dead to donate my organ.
  I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... Not screaming
  and yelling like the passengers in his car.
  God must love stupid people, he made so many.
  Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
  It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
  I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
  I know what you're thinking, and you should be ashamed of yourself.
  We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
  A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste.
  Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
  Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
  Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
  Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.

 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 Subject: Computer Gender?!
 ========================
 A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns,
 unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as
 masculine or feminine. Things like 'chalk' or 'pencil,' she described,
 would have a gender association although in English, these words
 were of neutral gender.

 Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, "What gender is a computer?"

 The teacher wasn't certain which it was, and so divided the class
 into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be
 masculine or feminine. One group was comprised of the women in
 the class, and the other of men. Both groups were asked to
 give four reasons for their recommendation.

                     -------------------------------------------------
 The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the
 masculine gender because:

 1.  In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

 2.  They have a lot of data but are still clueless.

 3.  They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they
      ARE the problem.

 4.  As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer,
      you could have had a better model.

 The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitly be referred to
 in the feminine gender because:

 1.  No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

 2.  The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible
      to everyone else.

 3.  Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.

 4.  As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your
      paycheck on accessories for it.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

  Confession
   ==========
   A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the
   confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street
   and asked him to cover for him.

   The Rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the Priest told him to
   come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do.

   The Rabbi comes and he and the Priest are in the confessional. In a few
   minutes a woman comes in and says "Father forgive me for I have sinned."
   The Priest asks "What did you do?".  The Woman says "I committed adultery."
   The Priest asks "How many times?" The Woman replies "Three times. "The
   Priest tells her: "Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more."

   A few minutes later a man enters the confessional. He says "Father forgive
   me for I have sinned." The Priest asks "What did you do?" The Man says "I
   committed adultery." The Priest asks "How many times?" The Man replies
   "Three times." The Priest tells him: "Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box
   and go and sin no more."

   The Rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it so the priest leaves.

   A few minutes later another woman enters and says "Father forgive me for I
   have sinned." The Rabbi asks "What did you do?" The Woman says "I committed
   adultery." The Rabbi asks "How many times?" The Woman replies  "Once."
   The Rabbi thinks for a moment and then tells her: "Go do it two more times.
   We have a special this week, three for $5."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

  Entering Heaven
   ===============
   A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead
   of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt,
   leather jacket, and jeans.

   Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know
   whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

   The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City."

   Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the
   taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter
   the Kingdom of Heaven."

   The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and
   it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am
   Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three
   years."

   Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take
   this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of
   Heaven."

   "Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi-driver
   and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"

   "Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you
   preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 Falling Down
 ============
 There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in
 his parish who kept confessing adultery.  One Sunday, from
 the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to
 adultery, I'll quit!"

 Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word.
 Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen."

 This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well,
 until the priest died at a ripe old age.  About a week after
 the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town and
 seemed very concerned.

 The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks
 in town.  When people come to the confessional, they keep talking
 about having 'fallen.'"

 The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the
 new priest about the code word.

 Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing
 finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing
 about! Your wife fell three times this week."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 God is Missing?!
 ===============
 Two brothers in a small town were well-known as trouble makers.
 If there was a problem in town, these boys were guaranteed to be there.
 Their parents finally decided to do something about it.

 They called on the priest. He was known to have success in dealing with
 problematic behavior. He agreed to see them, but only one at a time.

 The younger brother went first. He walked in and the priest asked him,
 "Where is God?", in a mild voice.

 The younger brother just sat there. The priest asked again, "Where's God?"
 The boy again just sat there...

 The priest tried once more, in a very annoyed and angered voice, "Tell me
 son, WHERE IS GOD?".

 Terrified, the boy ran out of the room and straight to his room at home, where
 he hid under the bed. His older brother came in and asked what was wrong.

 The younger boy said, "We are in big trouble this time. God is missing, and
 they think we did it !!".

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

   Husbands & Wives
    ================
    The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"
    I said, "Dust!"

    In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man
    and rested. Then God created woman.
    Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

    My wife and I are almost inseparable. In fact, last week it took four
    state troopers and a dog.

    Why do men die before their wives? They want to.

    What is the difference between a dog and a fox?
    About 5 drinks.

    A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and
    said "I haven't eaten anything in four days."
    She looked at him and said, "Gosh, I wish I had your willpower."

    Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.

    Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a  man
    doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
    Dad: "That happens in every country, son."

    A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife wanted".
    Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing:
    "You can have mine."

    The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it
    once.

    First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
    Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

    How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to get laundry
    done for free.

    Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life
    thinking they had no faults at all.

    If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every
    word you say, talk in your sleep.

    Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was
    until I got married; and then it was too late."

    A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get
    married? "And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

    The bumper sticker read: "I lost 125 pounds in one day, I divorced her."

    Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street
    with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

  I.Q. EXAM
  =========

  Time Limit: 3 WEEKS
 

 1.     What language is spoken in France?

 2.     Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with
         particular reference to architecture, literature,law and
         social conditions -OR- Give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.

 3.     Would you ask William Shakespeare to

         ____ (a) build a bridge
         ____ (b) sail the ocean
         ____ (c) lead an army or
         ____ (d) WRITE A PLAY

 4.     What religion is the Pope? (check only one)
         ____ (a) Jewish
         ____ (b) Catholic
         ____ (c) Hindu
         ____ (d) Polish
         ____ (e) Agnostic

 5.      Metric conversion.  How many feet is 0.0 meters?

 6.      What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the
          little hand is on the 5?

 7.      How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)

 8.      What are people in America's far north called?
          ____ (a) Westerners
          ____ (b) Southerners
          ____ (c) Northerners

 9.      Spell -- Bush, Carter and Clinton
          Bush    : _______________________
          Carter  : _______________________
          Clinton: _______________________

 10.     Six kings of England have been called George, the last one
          being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.

 11.     Where does rain come from?
          ____ (a) Macy's
          ____ (b) Kmart
          ____ (c) Canada
          ____ (d) the sky

 12.     Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
          ____ (a) yes
          ____ (b) no

 13.     What are coat hangers used for?

 14.     The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?

 15.     Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR-
          spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.

 16.     Where is the basement in a three story building located?

 17.     Which part of America produces the most oranges?
          ____ (a) New York
          ____ (b) Florida
          ____ (c) Canada
 

 18.    Advanced math. If you have three apples, how many apples do
          you have?

 19.     What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for?

 20.     The Cornell University tradition for efficiency began when
          (approximately)?
         ____ (a) B.C
         ____ (b) A.D.
 

                                       Signed _______________________

 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 Miracles
 ========
 A Jew, a Christian and a Muslim were having a discussion about who saw
 miracles.

 "I was riding my camel in the middle of the  Sahara," exclaimed the Muslim.
 "Suddenly a fierce sandstorm appeared  from nowhere. I truly thought my end
 had come as I lay next to my  camel  while we being buried deeper and deeper
 under the sand. But I did not lose my faith in the Almighty Allah, I prayed
 and prayed and suddenly, for a hundred meters all around me, the storm had
 stopped. Since that day I am a devout Muslim and am now learning to recite
 the Quran by memory."

 "One day while fishing," started the Christian, "I was in my little dinghy in
 the middle of the ocean. Suddenly a fierce storm appeared from  nowhere.
 I truly thought my end had come as my little dinghy was tossed up and down
 in the rough ocean. But I did not lose my faith in Jesus Christ, I prayed and
 prayed and suddenly, for 300 meters all around me, the storm had stopped.
 Since that day I am a devout Christian and am  now teaching young children
 about Him."

 "One day I was walking down the road," explained the Jew, "I was in
 my most expensive designer outfit in the middle of New York city.
 Suddenly  I saw a black bag on the ground in front of me appear from
 nowhere. I put my hand inside and found a million dollars in cash. I truly
 thought my end had come as it was a Saturday and we are not allowed to
 handle money on Saturdays. But I did not lose my faith in Jehovah, I prayed
 and  prayed and suddenly,... for 500 meters all around me,... I could feel
 it was Tuesday!"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 Mourning
 =========
 A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed
 mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted
 to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with
 profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why
 did you have to die?"

 The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere
 with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've
 ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"
 The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's
 first husband."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 On the Island
 ============
 There are nine beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere were the following
 people are stranded:

 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
 2 French men and 1 French woman
 2 German men and 1 German woman
 2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
 2 English men and 1 English woman
 2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
 2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
 2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman
 2 American men and 1 American woman

 One month later on these absolutely stunning islands in the middle of nowhere, the following
 things occurred:

 One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

 The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage a trois.

 The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman.

 The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

 The two English men are waiting for someone to properly introduce them to the English women.

 The two Bulgarian men took one look at the endless ocean, another look at the Bulgarian woman, and
 started swimming.

 The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo on their wristband "Faxi-Mon" and are still waiting for instructions.

 The two Irish men began by dividing the island into north and south and by setting up a distillery.
 They do not remember if sex with the ravishing temperamental redhead is in the picture because it gets sort
 of foggy after the first few liters of coconut whiskey, but they are satisfied in that at least the English are not
 getting any.

 The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide as they listen to the American woman
 bitching about how sex is always unsatisfying, on the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything
 that they can  do, only better, about the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores,
 how all men except her father are pigs, how her relationship with her mother is improving, and how her last
 boyfriend, even though he was a pig, respected her opinion and treated her much nicer, at least before he
 committed suicide. But on the American island, at least the taxes are low and it is not raining....

 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 PERIODIC TABLE OF THE ELEMENTS - WOMEN
 ==========================================

 ELEMENTS  : Woman
 SYMBOL      : Wm
 DISCOVERER : Adam
 ATOMIC MASS: Accepted as 53.8 kg (but known to vary between 40 kg and 200 kg)
 OCCURRENCE : Copious quantities in all urban areas.
 HALF-LIFE : Deteriorates after about 25 years, sometimes rapidly losing shape and luster.

 PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:
 - Surface is usually covered with a painted film.
 - Boils at nothing, freezes without known reason.
 - Melts if given special treatment.
 - Bitter if used incorrectly.

 REACTIVE PROPERTIES:
 - Has a great affinity for gold, silver, and a range of precious stones.
 - Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
 - Can explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no known reason.
 - The most powerful money reducing agent known to man.

 USES:
 - Highly ornamental, especially in sports car.
 - Can be an effective cleaning agent.

 COLOUR:
 - Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in natural state.
 - Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.

 HANDLING:
 - Highly dangerous except when in experienced hands.
 - Illegal to posses more than one, although several can be maintained at different
   location as long as the specimens do not come into contact with each other.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 Sherlock Holmes
 ================
 Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip.  After a good
 meal and a bottle of wine they lay down in their tent for the night, and
 went to sleep.

 Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend awake.

 "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

 Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

 "What does that tell you?" Holmes questioned.  Watson pondered for
 a minute...

 "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and
 potentially billions of planets.  Astrologically, I  observe that Saturn
 is in Leo.  Horologically, I deduce that the time is opproximately
 a quarter past three.  Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful
 and that we are small and insignificant.  Meteorologically, I  suspect
 that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.  What does it tell you?"

 Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke.  "Watson, you ass.
 Someone has stolen our tent!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 Technical Support Advice for Wife 1.0
 =================================

 Dear Technical Support,

 Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed
 that the new program began unexpected child processing that took
 up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this
 phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

 In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and
 launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other
 system activity. Applications such as Pokernight 10.3, Drunken Boys
 Night 2.5 and Saturday Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the
 system whenever selected.

 I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to
 run some of my other favourite applications. I am thinking about going
 back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall does not work on this program.

 Can you help me, please!!

 Thanks,
 Joe
 

 Dear Joe,

 This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due
 to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0
 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES &
 ENTERTAINMENT program.

 Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run
 everything. It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and
 still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files within
 your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing
 is gained.

 It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from
 the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because
 Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend
 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system.
 Look in your manual under "Warnings-Alimony/Child Support."

 I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having
 Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section
 regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility
 for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause. The
 best course of action will be to enter the command: C:\APOLOGIZE.

 In any case avoid excessive use of the Esc key because ultimately you will
 have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the operating system will return
 to normal. The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all
 the GPFs.

 Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance. Consider buying
 additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0.  I recommend
 Flowers 2.1 and Chocolates 5.0. Do not, under any circumstances, install
 Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife
 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

 Best of luck.
 Tech Support.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

  The English Language
  ====================
  Let's face it  English is a crazy language. There is no egg in
  eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
  English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in
  France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't
  sweet, are meat.

  We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we
  find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a
  guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig...

  Why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't
  groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why
  isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, two geese. So one moose,
  two meese?

  If teachers taught, why didn't preacher praught? If a vegetarian
  eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter,
  perhaps you bote your tongue?

  Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to
  an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite
  at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?
  Have noses that run and feet that smell?!

  How can a "slim chance" and a "fat chance"  be the same? While a
  "wise man" and "wise guy" are opposites? While quite a lot and quite
  a few are alike? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold
  as hell another?!

  Have you ever actually met a sung hero or experienced requited love?

  Did you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly
  or peccable? Or who would actually hurt a fly?

  You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your
  house can burn up as it burns down; in which you fill in a form by
  filling it out and in which an alarm clock goes off by going on!

  English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the
  creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all).

  That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the
  lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my
  watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it... ?!

 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

  The Funeral Sevice
  =================
  A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away.

  At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out
  when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a
  faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.
  She lives for ten more years, and then dies.

  A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony
  the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking,
  the husband cries out, "watch out for the wall!'''

 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 The Lawyer and the Blonde
 ========================
 A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight
 from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would
 like to play a fun game.

 The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls
 over to the window to catch a few winks.

 The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of
 fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer,
 you pay me $5, and visa-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to
 get some sleep.

 The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the
 answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer,  I will pay you $50!"
 figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match.

 This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end
 to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

 The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to
 the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls
 out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.

 Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with
 three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a
 puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references.
 He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library
 of  Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he
 knows. All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands
 her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.

 The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde And asks,
 "Well, so what IS the answer!?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her
 purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

 ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 The Mistress
 ===========
 Doctor Smith and his wife are having dinner at an upscale restaurant
 when an attractive young blonde walks by, smiles at the Doctor and
 says "Hi Sammy."

 The wife somewhat irritated asks: "And who is that?"
 Doctor says: "That's my Mistress."
 Wife asks: "You have a Mistress? How long has this been going on?"
 Doctor: "About five years."
 Wife: "Five years? I want a divorce. You'll be ruined."
 Doctor: "Now think about it, if we divorce we each get half of what we
 have. You won't have that big house, you don't get a new Cadillac
 every year and you won't be playing golf and bridge all day with
 your friends."

 Just then a cute redhead walks by and says: "Hi Sammy."

 Wife: "And who is that one?"
 Doctor: "That's Dr. Grant's Mistress."
 Wife: "Dr. Grant has a Mistress too?"
 Doctor: "About twelve years now."
 Wife: "Ours is a lot prettier!"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

  True Love
  =========
  Her husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet
  she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
  One day, he motioned for her to come nearer.
  As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what?
  "You have been with me all through the bad times.  When I got fired,
  you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there.
  When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed
  right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side.
  You know what?"
  "What dear?" She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
  "I think you bring me bad luck!" :-) :-) :-)

 -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

  Uncle Frank !!
  =============
  Saturday morning... Bob's just about to set off on a round of
  golf when  he  realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the
  guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So Bob
  heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.

  "Hello?" Says a little girl's voice.

  "Hi, honey, it's Daddy," Says Bob. "Is Mammy near the phone?"

  "No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with uncle Frank."

  After a brief pause, Bob says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!"

  "Yes I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mammy!"

  "Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone,
  run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mammy
  and uncle Frank that my car's  just pulled up outside the house."

  "Okay, Daddy!"

  A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone.

  "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."

  "And what happened?"

  "Well, Mammy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around
  screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window

  and now she's all dead."

  "Oh my god... And what about uncle Frank?"

  "He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all
  scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool, but he
  must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so
  he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too."

  There is a long pause, then Bob says, "Swimming pool?! Is this 854-7039?!!"
 -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

  Vacation in Florida
 =================
 Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets
 of Chicago for a vacation in Florida.  His wife was on a business trip
 and was planning to meet him there the next day.

 When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail,
 Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail
 address, he did his best to type it in from memory.   Unfortunately,
 he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly
 preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before.

 When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the
 monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead
 faint.

 At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on
 the screen:

     Dearest Wife,
     Just got checked in.
     Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
     Signed,  Your eternally loving husband.
     PS. Sure is hot down here!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

  Who's Cheating?!
 =================
 "That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a
 sympathetic pal seated next to him in the bar.

 "How do you know?" the friend asked.

 "She didn't come home last night and when I asked her where
 she'd been, she said she had spent the night with her
 sister, Shirley."

 "So?"

 "So she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister, Shirle!"

 ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

  Who's getting any work DONE ?!!
 ==============================
 For a couple of  years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much
 pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason I'm tired:

 Because I'm overworked. The population of this country (USA) is 237 million.
 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.

 There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.
 Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving
 19 million to do the work. 2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves
 16.2 million to do the work.

 Take from the total, the 14,800,000 people who work for the State and City
 Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work. At any given time
 there are 188,000 people sick or hurt and in  hospitals, leaving 1,212,000
 to do the work.  Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

 That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And you're sitting
 at your computer reading jokes!!

 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------